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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Like newly weds with a newborn...jealous?!?

153 replies

Misstomrs · 14/09/2017 22:27

One of my closest friends recently told me that her relationship with her husband was like newly weds after her DD was born. He was kind, considerate, offering to do things for her, did all the night feeds 10pm - 5am so she could sleep. It made them completely loved up to see how much they loved their DD.
My husband really struggled when our DS was born. I had a horrific birth and was in hospital for over a week with various things. At one point the midwife came and instructed my husband to take my son away for a few hours so I could rest. He refused. If he couldn't rest, then why should I. Where we got home he would not be alone with our DS. Wouldn't care for him without me there. If I asked him to do something he would say he needed the loo so would need me to be quick with shower etc. He has had counselling and there is no denying he has been patient with me physically as I have had major issues which I have posted about elsewhere. Normally my husband is he most considerate man so this was a completely unexpected situation and one I have really struggled with.
My friend is now planning a second pregnancy (our first were unexpectedly at the same time) and I feel bereft that because of how my husband behaved, in part, I don't feel able to even consider having another child. It was just so awful.
AIBU To think having a new baby isn't like being newlyweds for most people?

OP posts:

HerSymphonyAndSong · 15/09/2017 05:13

That's all very well but you don't necessarily know how traumatic a birth is going to be in advance, do you?

FiveBoys · 15/09/2017 05:29

That's all very well but you don't necessarily know how traumatic a birth is going to be in advance, do you?

No you don't but it doesn't have to be about a traumatic birth. It only has to be about birth full stop.

AdalindSchade · 15/09/2017 06:05

Men don't get post natal depression fgs
As if his comment 'if she I can't get any rest then she can't either' was PND or PTSD! It was common or garden cuntery.

After having a baby a man's true mettle shows. The good ones will take over all the woman's normal responsibilities plus do their share with the baby, and provide emotional support. The shit ones will still expect the woman to do housework or will let the house turn into a pit or will sleep through feeds or will go out drinking or tell the woman to stop moaning etc... it's like a mirror held up to their true selves. How selfish a man have you got? Have a baby and you'll find out!

FiveBoys · 15/09/2017 06:16

Men don't get post natal depression fgs

On the contrary -

raisingchildren.net.au/articles/depression_pregnancy_and_birth_dads.html

They can also get prenatal depression

jaseyraex · 15/09/2017 06:17

Well aren't you an ignorant twat AdalindSchade. Men absolutely DO get PND and it's people like you that stop them from seeking help.

I had an emergency c section with my first, the whole pregnancy was complicated from the start. I went in to cardiac arrest on the operating table, my DH was stood beside me with our newborn. One minute we were having pictures taken and the next I was nearly dead. He was utterly traumatised and blamed the new baby. It took almost a year before he improved with a lot of counselling for both of us. When things like this happen it does get better but only if you and your partner are willing to make it better. We now have 2 boys and my second pregnancy and birth was amazing as was my husband. He was a totally different person with our first, not someone I knew, much like yourself OP. It will get better but it takes time and one day you will be able to consider more children.

FiveBoys · 15/09/2017 06:19

Well aren't you an ignorant twat AdalindSchade. Men absolutely DO get PND and it's people like you that stop them from seeking help

Adalind should not be giving up her day job just yet.

silkybear · 15/09/2017 06:22

I don't know many people who would describe the newborn phase as a second honeymoon. They must have had a very easy birth and baby. see what they say after number 2 arrives! i think for us it was the hardest test in our relationship to date, in pain and shock, struggling to bf, lack of sleep, no time for each other. The first few months were grim. It got better thankfully.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 15/09/2017 06:39

"No you don't but it doesn't have to be about a traumatic birth. It only has to be about birth full stop."

The OP said that her birth was traumatic though. Her H sought counselling because of his experience of those. He would not have known in advance whether the birth would have been traumatic and might have been fine with a "normal" one. How would he know? I just don't really understand the point about insisting men attend births as it makes it sound as though the OP is at fault because she overrode his wishes in wanting him there, which there is no evidence for

HerSymphonyAndSong · 15/09/2017 06:41

Regardless of whether men can get PND or PTSD, is his comment about her not resting because he couldn't likely to be related to this? Because it really is a cruel thing to say. I do think his behaviour will have added to the OP's own trauma

Horsemad · 15/09/2017 06:48

What was your midwife's response to him saying if he couldn't rest nor could you, OP?

MaximaDeWit · 15/09/2017 06:49

OP, when I read your description of the way your husband behaved it sounded like a very extreme version of the way I WANTED to be after the birth of my son when I was suffering from horrible PND. For whatever reason my feelings didn't manifest in the same way they did for your husband but I certainly felt terrified at the thought of being alone with my baby and watched the clock to see when I could feasibly wake up my OH who was snatching a few hours of sleep in between looking after me and doing all nappy changes, cooking, cleaning, etc. so I wasn't the only one not resting. It's a fucking miserable time and I'm sorry for your DH but mainly for you who has had to deal with a new baby and the knock in confidence around yourself and your marriage.

Have you thought about counselling together to discuss the second child scenario? Do you know how he feels about it? I really thing a proper talk about it could help you focus less on the comparison with your friends scenario and more on making things happier for little family

Original poster

Misstomrs · 15/09/2017 06:58

Thank you everyone.
I agree that my DH and I should have counselling if we were planning to have another baby.
For those asking for more detail, I had a really tough pregnancy. I had HG all the way through and was medicated (3 types simultaneously) throughout but that only just made water and small amounts of food manageable. For the last few weeks of pregnancy I was assessed weekly to see if I needed an emergency c-section as there were a number of issues. The birth was very traumatic - my son was at considerable risk and I was then very unwell. Our DS then had CMPA that was undiagnosed for 5 months, so could scream for 18 hours out of 24. I tried to get help was told all babies cry and I was probably over reacting because he's birth was so hard. It was only the emergency GP at the hospital who took me seriously when I took him there early one Sunday morning in utter desperation. So, hopefully, hardly a 'normal' experience.
At the time the counsellor my husband saw mentioned PTSD but I was so fed up by then I'm afraid I was too exhausted and miserable to take that in.
It's nice to hear that people had different experiences with other children, and thank you to those who have said that my reaction is understandable. I do know that comparing yourself to others isn't helpful, but I can't help feeling sad about it.
For those criticising him as being a twat etc. He isn't. He behaved badly, he knows it. He has worked hard. He has just recently looked after our DS, now 2, so I could go away for the weekend. I came home to a clean, tidy house, dinner prepared and a very happy DS.

OP posts:

Octopus37 · 15/09/2017 07:06

Not trying to be horrible here but it will change for your friend. Tthey might be being all lovely dovey and considerate with each other now but this wont last for 18 years + will it. Especially when a second child comes along and it is harder still, goodbye free time. It doesn't change when they are older even, no couple time in the evenings ever. Sorry if htat sounds negative but she is in the first flush at the moment, almost makes me suspicious of why her husband is being so nice. My DH did help out, but cause I was breastfeeding and not working, obviously most of the practical stuff was up to me. A friend of a friend once told me that her Mum (when in her 80s) had said to her that as a couple her and her husband fell in and ou of love many times and it was mainly cause of the kids. Go figure.

53rdWay · 15/09/2017 07:07

So sorry you had to deal with HG and a CMPA baby as well as the birth and all that surrounded it.

Counselling for you both if you decide to have another would likely be a good idea, but you should also give some thought to getting some yourself, even if only one session. You really do need and deserve some space to freely talk through your feelings about all this yourself, without letting the focus be on your DH and why he acted that way and what his PTSD might mean for him, etc etc. I saw a counsellor once after my own traumatic birth and it was really, really helpful.

AdalindSchade · 15/09/2017 07:07

Post natal depression is a condition that affects WOMEN post pregnancy and birth. It is not just reactive depression following the fact of becoming a parent. Men do NOT get post natal depression because they don't GIVE BIRTH (that's what 'post natal' means!)

Men may get reactive depression following the birth of a baby but this is not post natal depression.

AtHomeDadGlos · 15/09/2017 07:20

To all the posters having a go at the OP's DH, if you flipped this round and the wife/mum had had difficulties you'd all be jumping up to defend her.

He was suffering from PTSD/PND which, although unusual, can happen, especially after a traumatic birth. He's not a 'twat' (how helpful of some of you) and he has acted appropriately and pro-actively to remedy the situation.

He actually sounds like a good husband and father, and one who is comfortable in admitting when he faces problems and isn't afraid (or too macho) to ask for help.

FiveBoys · 15/09/2017 07:21

Men may get reactive depression following the birth of a baby but this is not post natal depression

Well I guess the medical profession haven't understood that yet. Perhaps you should tell them.

gamerwidow · 15/09/2017 07:21

I you and your friends experiences are the extreme ends of what is normal for parents post birth. Most new parents fall somewhere in the middle.
My DH found the new born stage really hard and although he did his fair share of parenting actually told me that he thought we'd made a terrible mistake and he didn't want the baby anymore! Obviously this was completely unhelpful and the last thing I needed with a non sleeping constantly crying baby.
We got through it though, he loves her to pieces now and is a great dad and does a lot with her.
It's not always easy adjusting to the challenges parenthood brings.

jaseyraex · 15/09/2017 07:26

AdalindSchade Better tell all those medical professionals diagnosing men with PND that they're wrong then! Post natal is after birth, not giving birth. Men suffer after birth too. Stop waffling on when you're clearly uneducated on the subject.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 15/09/2017 07:35

The thing is that the OP is the one who needed more support (and didn't get it) and who will need support again if they have another child.

Counselling would be good, and a clear plan for how he will avoid behaving in the same way again if there is a second child - what strategies can he put in place to minimise the likelihood of the same reaction and behaviour

This isn't about not being sympathetic, but postnatally the father can't be the priority, he needs to be there for mother and baby, and he needs to make sure he has his strategies in place so that he is fully supporting her and not adding to trauma again

Miserylovescompany2 · 15/09/2017 07:37

I think everyone deals with traumatic events in their own way - people perceive things differently - all those people in the delivery room would describe what happened through their own personal perspective.

With my first birth - it went from 1 professional in the room to many. I don't remember the majority of it? My birthing partner had a very different take on those events. She was stood at the end being cut 100 stitches worth

Maybe, OP's, DH - was traumatised by what happened. OP, needed support at a vulnerable time - he couldn't/wouldn't give it.

sandgrown · 15/09/2017 07:38

If it helps DP one evening when DS was about 6 weeks old we were having a major row.DP said he was leaving. I said not without this and passed him DS in the Moses basket. We stood on the doorstep playing pass the parcel with him refusing to take DS and me refusing to keep him! We laugh about it now (DS is a teenager) but it was,a difficult time.

pufflepup · 15/09/2017 07:43

Thank god someone pointed them out.

The ops DH suffered from being a twat syndrome it sounds like to me.

peanut2017 · 15/09/2017 07:44

Definitely not like newly weds. I had a difficult time and my son had to be taken to icu and on antibiotics for 4 days. We never fought as much for the first few months and most people I know that are honest said the same.

I was very protective of the baby with his family initially whereas now I'm like have him no bother.

Baby has been in hospital twice, colic, constipation, eczema and silent reflux so I'm not sure how any couple couldn't argue at a time like that.

However, oh has always and still does nights sometimes while I am in other room, puts him to bed, baths, walks, nappies, feeds, changes and so on - he is the dad so he is both our responsibilities.

He even cooks when he comes home and I know my mother thinks I am the worst wife in the world as I'm on maternity leave. I do the cleaning so it works for us.

I'm sorry op your other half treated you like that. It's not acceptable especially after just having a baby. Did he not see the work and effort you put into pregnancy and delivery?

SukiTheDog · 15/09/2017 07:49

Not in any way like newlyweds, here. DH and I weren't fully prepared for the upheaval. We'd read all the books, attended the classes and still, it was a shock how tired and emotional we BOTH were. DH took on more of the cooking/household stuff but, all feeds/care and "doing" for ds, was down to me.

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