Like newly weds with a newborn...jealous?!?

[Misstomrs]

One of my closest friends recently told me that her relationship with her husband was like newly weds after her DD was born. He was kind, considerate, offering to do things for her, did all the night feeds 10pm - 5am so she could sleep. It made them completely loved up to see how much they loved their DD.
My husband really struggled when our DS was born. I had a horrific birth and was in hospital for over a week with various things. At one point the midwife came and instructed my husband to take my son away for a few hours so I could rest. He refused. If he couldn't rest, then why should I. Where we got home he would not be alone with our DS. Wouldn't care for him without me there. If I asked him to do something he would say he needed the loo so would need me to be quick with shower etc. He has had counselling and there is no denying he has been patient with me physically as I have had major issues which I have posted about elsewhere. Normally my husband is he most considerate man so this was a completely unexpected situation and one I have really struggled with.
My friend is now planning a second pregnancy (our first were unexpectedly at the same time) and I feel bereft that because of how my husband behaved, in part, I don't feel able to even consider having another child. It was just so awful.
AIBU To think having a new baby isn't like being newlyweds for most people?

I think he probably did the right thing. If he really felt unable to cope he shouldn't have done it. Loads of cases of shaken baby syndrome are fathers ill equipped to cope who lose their rags when left alone. How many babies wouldn't have been killed/injured if they'd said 'I can't do this'?

He recognises something wasn't right and has taken steps to deal with it which is the important thing.

Its nice to hear from you OP but Im really struggling with how he was when you got a dog because it makes it appear that it really is all about him.

Your expectations seem very low. The fact that you think what your friend describes is unusual and ....

He has just recently looked after our DS, now 2, so I could go away for the weekend. I came home to a clean, tidy house, dinner prepared and a very happy DS

^^this is the minimum/the norm/what you should be expecting.

I am sorry what you went through. I can understand your DH being stressed/struggling to cope with the baby but I can't get my head around him saying if he couldn't rest then why should you. No wonder you don't want to have another baby with him

Sorry, should be clearer, I think he struggled with the dog because he was constantly worried he was doing the wrong thing. HE hadn't had one before. He did more than his fair share in terms of care for the puppy, just needed a lot of reassurance that he wasn't doing it 'wrong'.

Op, I had horrific HG - dh looked after me. Brought buckets, argued with the doctors who refused to treat. Held my hair back, comforted me.
I had complications - I wasn't allowed anywhere far from the hospital.
I had spd- he did all the lifting, cooking etc
I had a rather interesting c section - what actually happened I won't go in to because it's quite outing, but let's just say it was memorable for all the wrong reasons.

At no point did my dh behave like yours. I understand about ptsd, I really do. I experienced it after the birth and yes, it makes you anxious and depressed and all kinds of stuff. It's awful.
Ds screamed for the first several months of his life. He didn't sleep more than an hour for 18m.

We were not like newlyweds. We were knackered, we were snappy, we were randomly crying (ok I was,) about stuff. Shattered, shell shocked, all of it. It was so tough.

But I think when you put someone under that kind of pressure you get the measure of them. Dh and I managed - just- and it brought us closer.

Put aside for the moment all the value judgements about him being good or bad. The bottom line is that he failed you and your child badly when you needed him...and he may do it again.

If he couldn't rest, then why should I

Saying this, this is the bit I struggle with. I do get men can get PND etc. But saying this so soon after the birth just makes him sound selfish to me.

At no point did my dh behave like yours. I understand about ptsd, I really do.

Then you will also understand that it effects different ways.

Ah ok Op, thank you.

Then you will also understand that it effects different ways.

Yes it does. And he's still responsible for his actions. And he still failed her horribly.

Maybe he's the nicest man in the world and had a temporary break from reality and genuinely couldn't help telling her she couldn't rest if he couldn't.

We did actually feel really loved up after our three, it was likely the hormones and adrenaline. We didn't feel like newlyweds when we were newly weds though because by then we'd been together 15 years and had three kids.

Your husbands been really unfair in his treatment of you. I wouldn't want another baby with him either.

But I think when you put someone under that kind of pressure you get the measure of them.

Not always. People react very differently when they have a mental health illness. How her husband reacted does not define who he is (assuming he was unwell). OP has had no problems since (that she has told us) so how 'badly' he reacted to PTSD does not show her the measure of him.

I know no one is sure he did have PTSD but the fact that he went for help because he knew something was really wrong does show that it is very very likely he knew he was unwell. I doubt he would go for counselling if he was just a selfish arsehole.

Have you asked him why he made the comments he did OP? Was he scared to look after the baby alone because he was unwell and didn't think he could cope or it was safe? If he is a genuinely decent husband and dad now and he has no history of shitty behaviour before this then it is possible he was scared and dealt with it that way instead of admitting the truth. Absolutely shit for you OP and unfair but that does not mean he is a bad person and you shouldn't have any more children with him.

People often act totally out of character when they are unwell. I think you got the true measure of him when he realised he needed help, got the help and has been a good dad and husband since.

And he's still responsible for his actions

Which he did. He sought help.

Which for some on here still isn't good enough they still want to shout abuse at him.

which says more about them tbh

My ex was utter wanker after I had Dd, I didn't realise how bad his behaviour was at the time as he made himself sound so reasonable, i.e. I was in maternity leave therefore I should do everything. With hindsight I was also suffering from pnd.

It did however mean that when I kicked him out whilst I was unexpectedly pregnant with our 2nd dc I had no worries about doing it all in my own, as he'd been no fucking use whatsoever first time round.

He has just recently looked after our DS, now 2, so I could go away for the weekend. I came home to a clean, tidy house, dinner prepared and a very happy DS

A couple of people have cited this now saying that this is the bare minimum that Dh could do. I think they're missing the point. Op wasn't suggesting he deserves a medal for this - but considering the amount of people calling her Dh a twat and generally abusing him I think she was just pointing out that under normal circumstances, after receiving the help he needed, he behaves as a normal father and husband would.

Mine waited on me hand and foot for weeks (to the point it began to annoy me ☺️and I was desperate for him to go back to work). It changed our relationship, he has always totally respected me but he almost began treating me with some kind of awe. Our DD was born at 34 + 4 and totally caught us off guard and was rather poorly for the first 5 days so I think that was also part if it.

A couple of people have cited this now saying that this is the bare minimum that Dh could do. I think they're missing the point. Op wasn't suggesting he deserves a medal for this - but considering the amount of people calling her Dh a twat and generally abusing him I think she was just pointing out that under normal circumstances, after receiving the help he needed, he behaves as a normal father and husband would

Well said.

I think first of all, you need to take what your best friend says with a pinch of salt. Some girls (or women) can go a bit OTT when describing their OH. I feel like if I were in her position I wouldn't 'brag' or atleast I would have been a bit sensitive and caring about sharing my blessings with others.

With regards to your husband, from what you've said he sounds v selfish & inconsiderate.

We'd never had a row before we had DS. We had loads after he was born. I was the twat in our relationship- super controlling and anxious. DH couldn't do anything right. Nobody advised DH to leave thank god. I was worse second time around but realised it quickly and got treatment for PND.

We had very dark days so I'm not surprised you are worried about having a second. But provided you can talk about your feelings and his and plan how things will be different (extra support etc) it will/should make all the difference.

Similar circumstances here @Notonthestairs . I had post natal anxiety and tried to control everything that I could (probably after being forced into being totally out of control during the birth/immediate after birth period). It was so hard for OH. I got to the point where I had real trouble going out with my DD, even if he was there to help because if I was out of my own environment (in hindsight, where I could control what happened) I would get in a right flap. We had lots of rows in the first year, some due to normal tiredness/adjusting and some down to me, behaving in a way that was so out of character that my OH was at a loss as to what to do - and he was incredibly frustrated and to be honest a bit baffled. There were times when he was pretty unkind to me, before he (we) understood what was going wrong.

What a good job I got treated with kindness, respect and was also given help (in the form of counselling and CBT) . How horrible it would have been for people to just call me a selfish twat/cunt/arsehole/terrible partner. Even though I WAS selfish. I just couldn't help it.

Some of the replies on here are truly horrible. OP I hope you manage to sort through to the useful ones and have a bright future with your family. Forewarned is forearmed, you know he may struggle (but hopefully less next time) so address it beforehand and come up with coping strategies so that if he gets like this again you feel more able to manage.

I was the same when we first got a puppy. Completely over anxious and overwhelmed. Can't think why now but that's how it was.

Back to babies though , as a midwife I honestly saw every combination of reactions from mothers and fathers. It's just the most incredibly powerful and intense experience to become a parent. When there has been a very difficult pregnancy and birth it's easy to see how the father could apportion some blame to the newborn no matter how irrational that is. He will have hated himself for this.

Most new parents fall somewhere in between these two very extreme versions of events. Ask other friends and they will definitely not all have husbands like the saintly figure you describe.

And finally, I have a friend who unexpectedly gave birth to a child with a disability. Her dh couldn't deal with it and didn't support her at all in those early, awful days. Couldn't even look at or hold their baby. However, he got past this and has been a quite exceptional parent and husband since then. She hasn't mentioned it since but I doubt she will ever totally forgive him but has moved on.

You can never absolutely predict a situation but becoming a parent for the second time is so different. It just isn't so scary and overwhelming. In many ways it's easier to enjoy those early days. It may even be very healing for you both. Talk and if necessary get joint counselling but please don't let it dictate whether you have anothe baby.

My ex and I had an horrendous time with our first born who was very unwell and required major surgery at birth. She came home when she was about six weeks old and I've got to say he was an absolute star as he was with subsequent children. He never once let me get up in the night with her as I was on my knees with exhaustion, as was he. He'd come home from work at around 6 and would take over until around 6 in the morning. She cat napped throughout the 24 hours for the first year so we both got some sleep but me more than him. He would say, you've had to do this all day, you cant do it all night too.
Didn't divorce him until many years later when he became a bit of a knob. However my memories of that time with him are still precious.
Why would you want to be with someone who doesnt care for your child as much as you do?

I love my husband so much more than before! I have fallen in love with a new person, a dad to my child.
He is so affectionate and caring. He did everything he could in third grist few weeks , even took the baby down for hours blocks (DS was breast fed) and only brought him up when he needed feeding. He cooked, cleaned organised everything. I would say I feel even more in love with him (maybe not newly wed as we definitely don't have that much sex 😂)

Moodyone.... yes, I agree.

I would say being like newly weds is rare? I have a wonderful partner but inevitably having new life is stressful and causes stressors. It sounds like you OH may have had post natal depression. What an awful situation for you all. You friend may have an awful shock when number 2 isn't as hunky dorey as her first. Don't compare yourselves. Everyone has issues and difficulties justbay different times. Xxxx

Blimey I'm jealous you guys are so lucky. Just had no2 and we are both just knackered and trying to survive lol no chance of romance here!!

But feel sorry for OP rest assured it's not normal!!