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AIBU?

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Original poster

Like newly weds with a newborn...jealous?!?

153 replies

Misstomrs · 14/09/2017 22:27

One of my closest friends recently told me that her relationship with her husband was like newly weds after her DD was born. He was kind, considerate, offering to do things for her, did all the night feeds 10pm - 5am so she could sleep. It made them completely loved up to see how much they loved their DD.
My husband really struggled when our DS was born. I had a horrific birth and was in hospital for over a week with various things. At one point the midwife came and instructed my husband to take my son away for a few hours so I could rest. He refused. If he couldn't rest, then why should I. Where we got home he would not be alone with our DS. Wouldn't care for him without me there. If I asked him to do something he would say he needed the loo so would need me to be quick with shower etc. He has had counselling and there is no denying he has been patient with me physically as I have had major issues which I have posted about elsewhere. Normally my husband is he most considerate man so this was a completely unexpected situation and one I have really struggled with.
My friend is now planning a second pregnancy (our first were unexpectedly at the same time) and I feel bereft that because of how my husband behaved, in part, I don't feel able to even consider having another child. It was just so awful.
AIBU To think having a new baby isn't like being newlyweds for most people?

OP posts:
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/09/2017 23:29

My DH was amazing when our DD was born... did lots of night feeds, worked from home for the first year so he would miss things... etc.

But like newlyweds? Not so much.

nodogsinthebedroom · 14/09/2017 23:29

Some posters on this thread are being incredibly judgemental Hmm.

I don't think you're unreasonable to feel jealous, it's a human trait. Have you had counselling together/serious talks so you understand why he acted like he did and whether it would be likely to Helen again if you had another?

Italiangreyhound · 14/09/2017 23:32

Misstomrs I am sorry you had the experience you had. I would say some aspects of your experience are not uncommon. Many of my friends had quite traumatic births for one reason or another (including myself).

I'd say that 'newlyweds' conjures up an image for me of lots of sex and I would say that post baby neither of us were mad for sex! We were exhausted and I was recovering from a C-section and infection (and iron deficiency and the accompanying constipation.....).

However, my husband was very kind and caring of me. The area where he and I were surprised was during pregnancy, he was not really interested. He thought he would be, but he was not. When he met our daughter, he was so delighted and has been a devoted dad.

Maybe a concern for you here is that you are attempting to measure your own experience against someone else's, which may not be helpful.

Do you want another child Does your dh? I think if you were to consider another child you would need to factor in that your husband may have another negative reaction at first. If you want another baby, go ahead, but be ready to get your initial support from others as well as helping your dh to prepare for the birth. I do know another husband who had a very negative reaction to his wife being pregnant/having a baby etc.

I've never before heard anyone say having a new born baby was like being a newly wed.

pennysnow · 14/09/2017 23:33

"If I can't have a rest why should you?" After you have had a horrific time with your birth and spent a week recovering in hospital

What an utter fucking cunt.

I would have left by now, and would NOT be having a baby with this fucking selfish bastard.

And AGAIN we have an OP posting about how horribly her partner has behaved, and then jumping to his defence the second posters start (quite rightly) bashing him. Coming out with stuff like 'Oh he is not THAT bad!'

Why even bother posting?! Hmm

Italiangreyhound · 14/09/2017 23:35

Your post BlackAmericanoNoSugar is very inciteful and wise.

I do hope all is OK for you and your dh now.

TableMirror · 14/09/2017 23:40

It sounds like your husband had PND, you need to work through those problems together and not worry about keeping up with other people.

Imstickingwiththisone · 14/09/2017 23:41

I think my experience was closer to yours than your friend's OP. Our roles reversed, i was always the one who never stepped up to the plate while he took responsibility for things. My OH is a control freak and babies don't come with manuals and he freaked out, especially as my DC wanted me so much for feeds and got no comfort when they were with him initially. After a while i think he got used to doing piss all so never even offered and i got used to doing it all so never even asked. We also had a traumatic birth that i know frightened him. As well he's not a bad person and was great once DC was a bit older but i still feel resentful too. He did have some anxiety and depression problems around this time and it was all interlinked.

pennysnow · 14/09/2017 23:44

*Would not be having ANOTHER baby with him..........

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 14/09/2017 23:46

Nodding in agreement with you Pennysnow

pennysnow · 14/09/2017 23:49

Thanks fluffy. Smile

And I disagree totally that the OP's husband had PND. (As @TableMirror said.) The baby was less than a WEEK old and he had not even been looking after it. The midwife wanted him to, and told him to take baby home to give his wife a break, and he said NO, if I can't have a break, then she can't!'

I literally cannot get over how spiteful and selfish and mean that is.

Italiangreyhound · 14/09/2017 23:52

www.nct.org.uk/parenting/postnatal-depression-dads

pennysnow · 15/09/2017 00:06

He had not even STARTED to look after the baby, when he said 'If I can't rest then neither can you?'

So that 'PND dads' link is utterly irrelevant.

pennysnow · 15/09/2017 00:06

The baby had not even come home at that point!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 15/09/2017 00:08

And I disagree totally that the OP's husband had PND. (As @TableMirror said.) The baby was less than a WEEK old and he had not even been looking after it.

Could very well have PTSD though.

Giving birth triggered my DH PTSD that had been under control for a long time.

He saw both I and our DC nearly die and me lose a lot of blood and rushed to ICU where I stayed for a significant amount of time.

I don't remember any of it.

Lovingmybear2 · 15/09/2017 00:11

Well as new weds we had lots of sex so no not remotely alike Grin

He sounds a cold fish op.

pennysnow · 15/09/2017 00:19

He could well have had PTSD.

Nah. Not buying it for a second.

Just as well SHE didn't have 'PTSD' (as well!) isn't it? Otherwise, who the fuck would have looked after the baby?! Hmm

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 15/09/2017 00:23

Nah. Not buying it for a second.

Bet you would say my DH didn't either then. Glad you know better than professionals.Hmm

AcrossthePond55 · 15/09/2017 00:48

Well, first off I think you need to take what your friend says with a grain of salt, especially if you're seeing a lot of this via Facebook. No husband is that perfect, not even her husband. Every couple struggles adjusting to parenthood in some way.

Second off, don't compare your husband to hers. It's not really fair to him. He may have been an arse, but let him be judged on his own behaviour, not his behaviour in comparison to your friend's paragon of husband-hood!

My DH was pretty darn good when our children were born. He held them, changed them, and played with them. I had time to rest and do housework. I did more housework than he did but he did help out and clean up after himself as well as bring in takeaways. I was EBF and he worked nights so the night feeds were all mine. But we were also very lucky in that both our mothers were wonderful, nonjudgemental, non interfering support. AND my lovely late MiL would pull DH up if she thought he was getting lazy.

As far as your DH, I'm not going to pass judgement on him. I mean, the way he behaved was completely off the scale and truly horrible. But you say that he's gotten help and is 'much better' now. All I can say is that before you decide about another child, you need to sit back and evaluate his behaviour as an equal partner in parenting as it is now. And perhaps a few sessions of marriage counseling before you get pregnant to be sure you're both on the same page. If, that is, he even wants another child. If he truly understands how horrendous his behaviour was and the reason for it, he may be just as afraid of having another child as you are.

MakeItStopNeville · 15/09/2017 00:51

Just ignore it all, OP. As you said, your DH has admitted he didn't handle it so well and has sought help. It's really not that long ago since Dads didn't go into the delivery room at all, and nobody condemns those generations of Dads!

I would also take the "like newlyweds" comment with a pinch of salt. The reality is that we're all doing our best. Some truly fly with newborns and others don't but parenthood catches us all up at some point. My kids are early teens to early adults and I've never met a parent ever who didn't find parts really, really hard at some point, even if they waltzed through the newborn and toddler stage. Just because he floundered at the first fence, doesn't mean he can't do this. Good luck!

Pallisers · 15/09/2017 00:52

Well I think your friend is a bit of an exception. Most people muddle through and are a bit snappier than usual through exhaustion and fear and radical change after a first baby.

But your husband is an exception too - most fathers are not so spiteful as to refuse to take the baby because they don't want their wives to rest after a traumatic birth.

I hope he got to the bottom of what was going on with him, apologised to you in a very sincere way, and promised you that this kind of abandonment wouldn't happen again - whether it be you being sick or disabled or having another baby.

I do wonder about how considerate he is really though, despite what the OP says. The thing is consideration is easy before you have a baby. the odd "would you like a cup of tea" or "What restaurant would you like to go to?" gives an impression of being considerate The really kind, really selfless behaviour tends to be required as life gets more complicated - as in when a baby is born or a parent gets sick. He really did fail that one spectacularly.

WombOfOnesOwn · 15/09/2017 01:52

My husband and I were also a lot "like newlyweds" when DS was born. Lots of long lingering looks, lots of kissing and cuddling as soon as he was asleep even before we could have sex again. He is the stay-at-home parent so already did the bulk of chores, but when I am pregnant or have had a baby recently, he does it ALL.

We became closer than ever and had so many good laughs and so much affection and love in DS's early months. I would have felt incredibly hurt and betrayed if he'd acted how your DH did, OP. I would feel the same way as you about having another child. Instead, I am happily pregnant with DS's sibling and hoping for another peaceful, loving babymoon period -- hopefully DS will cooperate!

HerSymphonyAndSong · 15/09/2017 02:28

Does PTSD definitely explain the "if I can't rest then neither can you" response? Because that is particularly cruel

Mumagain2017 · 15/09/2017 03:03

Can men get PND?

Reppin · 15/09/2017 04:00

I would say your friend's experience is the norm. Luckily. Your husband is very selfish.

FiveBoys · 15/09/2017 04:45

There was a thread last week from a poster who was going to give birth without her partner being with her because the bloke just knew he wasn't up to it. I wish she could read this because this is exactly the type of thing a few of us said could happen and if her partner knew he wasn't up to the birth then he shouldn't have to be at it.

When I had my first almost 40 years ago it was around the time partners being at the birth was starting to catch on and my husband was away with the military. I was a bit upset and when my mum came to classes with me the midwife was full of romantic notions about partners being at the birth till my mum said, so when were you going to tell us about partners who've not been able to do it, and those who have had great trouble getting over what they saw.

It was only then that a balanced approach was given and thats the point - we've been brainwashed into believing that if a man knows he cant be at the birth he's a let down as a partner and its just not true all the time. People really should be able to make the choice without pressure from anyone.