Like newly weds with a newborn...jealous?!?

[Misstomrs]

One of my closest friends recently told me that her relationship with her husband was like newly weds after her DD was born. He was kind, considerate, offering to do things for her, did all the night feeds 10pm - 5am so she could sleep. It made them completely loved up to see how much they loved their DD.
My husband really struggled when our DS was born. I had a horrific birth and was in hospital for over a week with various things. At one point the midwife came and instructed my husband to take my son away for a few hours so I could rest. He refused. If he couldn't rest, then why should I. Where we got home he would not be alone with our DS. Wouldn't care for him without me there. If I asked him to do something he would say he needed the loo so would need me to be quick with shower etc. He has had counselling and there is no denying he has been patient with me physically as I have had major issues which I have posted about elsewhere. Normally my husband is he most considerate man so this was a completely unexpected situation and one I have really struggled with.
My friend is now planning a second pregnancy (our first were unexpectedly at the same time) and I feel bereft that because of how my husband behaved, in part, I don't feel able to even consider having another child. It was just so awful.
AIBU To think having a new baby isn't like being newlyweds for most people?

She's the one who's here. This conversation really, really doesn't need to be about how her husband felt.

Yeah, I don't particularly disagree with that. However, it turned into that when people kept going on about what a cunt her husband is.

OP might find it very useful to know that PSTD which the counsellor believed he had could have been the reason for his poor behaviour and it doesn't mean it will happen again with another pregnancy.

I wonder if the OP will come back. I don't blame her if she doesn't. She made it quite clear that he is a good dad and husband now and that he got help, but too many people wanted to convince her that she is wrong and he was just an arsehole. Helpful.

PTSD doesn't always hit the person who appears to have most right to feel traumatised. Often it hits the one who was standing next to that person and witnessed something terrifying that made them feel helpless.

And this.

U2, I get what you are saying, but I'm not sure what you - and the OP expected people to say.

'Oh he's probably just stressed hun, and that is why he said 'look after our baby yourself, because you're the mum and I deserve to rest more than you!''

I was saying it doesn't sound like this is the case with the OP's husband, and he just sounds like a selfish tit. So stop with your cherry picking the bits of my posts that suit your agenda.

Says the person who is analysing someone from a couple of posts on an anonymous forum.

My DH behaved a bit like yours, only not quite as bad. He's usually considerate and kind, but really deteriorates when tired/stressed. I had a definite feeling of being on my own (at least emotionally) for the first 3 years or so. He's improving now they are older and less stressful, thankfully.

op

@Misstomrs we are 9 weeks in and currently in what you have described!
We are both struggling. It's come as such a massive shock to us both.
I also had a difficult birth and DH still finds it really hard to talk about. I know it's us who go through it physically but I was high as a kite for parts of it and don't remember bits, he remembers everything! The first 6 weeks were especially difficult and we have already said we cannot imagine having a second child, which makes me sad as 2 children is what we always imagined but at the moment I don't ever want to put us through that again!
He's lost a bit of confidence as well with her this week as I am able to soothe/settle her very quickly where as it takes him quite a while, i have tried to reassure him that i of course am with her all day so she's use to me more but he takes it so personally. So now I'm finding it hard to ask him to take over as I know he's finding it difficult.

He loves us both, I know that and he's a really caring, kind, considerate man but he's struggling.
It seems it ok for the mother to struggle with the changes but not the father!?

U2, I get what you are saying, but I'm not sure what you - and the OP expected people to say.

Oh I expected nothing less from MN.

I don't think it's ok to call her husband names when she has said the counsellor suspected PTSD and that he knew he had a problem and got help. Most arseholes don't bother getting help because they don't give a shit and they are just horrible people. Her husband did get help because he hated the way he behaved. No problems since.

It would be nice if people could stop trying to convince the OP that he was just an arse and not actually struggling with PSTD. Like you know better than the OP or the counsellor.

The counsellor didn't say he was struggling with PTSD, though. All the OP says is that the counsellor mentioned PTSD but that by that point she was so overwhelmed she was past listening. So it could be "you definitely have PTSD", or "there are several things that could make people behave like this, PTSD among them", or it could be "PTSD is a possibility but it doesn't sound likely". We don't know, we weren't there. It's good he got help, and now the OP should get some too.

I think the reality, as with most things, is usually somewhere in the middle. Few people are in such a loved up state as your friends, few have a husband who reacted the way yours did. It's two extremes of a spectrum; and due to the two sets of circumstances being completely different I don't think it does you any good to compare them.

I'm really glad your Dh recognised his behaviour for what it was and went for counselling. That's something a lot of men won't even consider (due to the whole, suck it up, you're a big boy type mentality that is still about).

Have you spoken to him about your feelings about having another child, and how sad it makes you that you feel it may not be possible? Counselling for both of you would be a good idea, but first you need to talk yourselves about the fact that there is still some unresolved issues there and what would be best to do.

'Oh he's probably just stressed hun, and that is why he said 'look after our baby yourself, because you're the mum and I deserve to rest more than you!''

Again I'm not sure you understand how PSTD works. It's not about who is more 'deserving' of feeling traumatised.

It was clearly an awful time in their lives and OP got the brunt of it. Her husband said and did some really shitty things which were selfish. He got help. I don't expect anyone to call her hun and tell her it was ok. It wasn't ok but if he had PSTD it can explain a lot of it.

I am very anti shit men. I don't make excuses for them. I am not seeing a shit man here. One who just dealt with possible PSTD/depression and then got help once he realised how badly he was treating the OP.

That's something a lot of men won't even consider (due to the whole, suck it up, you're a big boy type mentality that is still about).

Including on this thread it seems.

I'm really glad your Dh recognised his behaviour for what it was and went for counselling. That's something a lot of men won't even consider (due to the whole, suck it up, you're a big boy type mentality that is still about).

A woman would not be judge this badly. You're right, too many men don't get help for problems. No surprise really is it? If they do they are still called arseholes and sociopaths.

Ok, slightly different scenario (I am aware that a cat isn't a baby), but we have just got two cats, and my boyfriend and I have such a reignited bond over them. They haven't been easy - multiple vom and poop incidents, challenging behaviour.

I was worried how my boyfriend would take it - I've been a pet-owner since birth, and used to dealing with their messes, foibles and attention, and tbh, he struggles with his own laundry. He's blown me away with how caring and responsible he has been to both them and me.

No way should the father of you actual human child be anything less than that.

It's no wonder the suicide rate among men is so high if you go by some the disgusting attitudes towards mental health on here.

OP- people cope with new babies differently. Your partner recognised a problem and sought to fix it. That is a good man, not a bad one. A lot of people struggle with their first born. It is a massive shock to the system for men and women. Personal experience, first time was immensely difficult but second time was amazing!

Your dh sounds terrible op, I'm sorry you went through that.

You are seriously comparing having cats to witnessing a very traumatic birth and having a baby?

Why even bring cats into this like it's any way comparable? He's blown you away with how caring and supportive he has been over cats?

I do think it would be worthwhile for the OP and her DH to work out why he behaved as he did, not least because they would then have a better idea of how he might cope with future birth. I know that I generally deal with shocks and unexpected trauma in quite a PTSD way, obsessing, internalising, irrational beliefs and flashbacks, so if my H had another brush with death I would possibly react in exactly the same way. I deal much better with expected trauma, like my Dad dying of cancer, as there is no sudden shock involved.

What he said when he refused to take the baby while in hospital might just be what he said because he couldn't say what was in his brain. He might have been irrationally afraid that the baby would die and not want it to happen while he was in charge. After my H's accident I refused to go out to restaurants for family dinner for quite a while. I gave lots of feeble excuses, like not feeling well or I manufactured an argument about nothing so that H wouldn't want to go out. The truth was that I couldn't sit opposite him to eat for fear that I would look up and see him looking like one of the walking dead, I could never have said that out loud because it was so stupid but also there's something about saying your worst fears out loud that seems to tempt fate.

It was a terrible time for you OP, I'm not saying that you should put your own hurt aside in order to forgive and forget. I think your suffering is harder than his because he has now recovered while it's still affecting you. But if he is likely to go that way again then it would probably be worse because a child and a baby is far, far harder work than just a baby, so you would both need to give it honest consideration before deciding what to do.

Piglet and U2 - since you failed to read it the first time, I AM AWARE THAT A CAT ISN'T A BABY. And, I also stated 'No way should the father of you actual human child be anything less than that.'

The point I was making is that taking on cats - a smaller shared responsibility than a child - has improved my relationship - I feel like we're working as a team, and he's been very caring, especially since I've been unwell. Something I didn't expect of him given his general self-care laziness (for himself, not for me), and something that reassures me that we'll thrive when having kids.

I wasn't saying 'Ooh, I know just what you mean, having cats is exactly the same'. I was drawing the parallel that an increased level of challenge and caring responsibilities did in fact improve our relationship, whereas for the OP, it didn't, when it should have (and in tougher circumstances). Would you have got the hump if I'd said 'looking after a sick relative'?

I mean, your DH is a complete arsehole so I'm glad you don't want another baby with him.

Your friend has a decent boyfriend who is an amazing dad and cares for her, this isn't 'rare'. You shouldn't be having children with someone who won't support you. Get rid and find someone that will help you jointly raise a child as much as they jointly made it.

Sort of like newlyweds, although that's not how I'd have described it, but I do get what your friend means.

Have you talked to DH about this? Does he know his behaviour is making you feel this way about having another?

It's important that he knows he let you down, to prevent it happening again.

I AM AWARE THAT A CAT ISN'T A BABY.

Then you must be aware that the two are in no way comparable, including how parents react to it.

THEY AREN'T THE SAME IN ANY WAY.

I didn't fail to read it at all. You're still comparing it. You keep saying it's nothing like a baby and then talk about how the shared responsibility of a cat has made you closer.

People are still calling this man an arsehole. I wonder if you would call a woman an arsshole if she had PSTD acted badly as a result and then got help.

I had an extremely traumatic birth. DH supported me and the baby all the way through. I wouldn't have used the term newlyweds, and we certainly had our moments of exhausted bickering, but overall I am stunned at how amazing he's been and it's brought us closer. Made us a team. Made us a loving family.

I wouldn't have another child with someone who acted the way your DP did. No judgement about the possibility of PTSD etc. I just wouldn't be able to face the possibility of it being traumatic again and not having support.

Wow! Thank you for all the messages ladies. Although I don't agree with all of them, I love the spread of opinions.
To be clear, I don't think my DH is a twat / sociopath / bad man. I think he's just someone who struggled and that struggle has had an impact on us, and how I feel about having another baby. We have talked about it briefly but I think we should have some support to talk about it in depth as it's such a difficult subject. As you would expect I felt let down, hurt, isolated, disappointed.
The cat thing made me laugh out loud. It did remind me though that my husband struggled a bit when we got a dog. He's a sensitive soul all round and that has positives and negatives.
I'm sorry that there are others who are going through a difficult time. I would honestly urge people to get help. It isn't an overnight solution but it does help.