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Original poster

DH, DD and bodily autonomy

171 replies

TenForward82 · 14/09/2017 21:00

DD is 18 months. DH is an amazing dad but one thing that makes me wince is that he will ask her for a kiss or hug and if she says no, do it anyway. If I ask and she says no, I just say "ok" and leave it there.

I'm concerned at the message he's sending her by ignoring her free will on this. I know she's only little but it still makes me uncomfortable. When she says no he'll sometimes cajole her with "Go on, go onnnnn" and tonight he grabbed her for a hug after she said no and said "I got one anyway". It just makes me squirm.

She's historically not very comfortable with him so I understand he craves that contact, but I think it'll make her feel worse about their relationship, not better.

How can I bring this up without making him feel crushed? He's very "woke" on women's issues but like most men just does some things without thinking about it.

OP posts:
Kokapetl · 14/09/2017 21:04

YANBU to feel like this.

The best way to bring it up might be to "come across" a parenting article on this subject on the internet one evening when he's there and give it to him to read because you think it interesting.

BlondieNikC · 14/09/2017 21:04

I think at 18 months she's probably saying no because toddlers like to say no. I don't see a problem at this age. I'd say unless she's actually upset when he kisses her there isn't much to worry about.

missyB1 · 14/09/2017 21:05

Well I don't know, I nearly always spontaneously kiss and hug my ds without asking him! He doesn't seem to object.

Do you and your DH always ask your dd before giving her physical affection? How does she react when her daddy hugs and kisses her? Is she happy?

MuddlingMackem · 14/09/2017 21:21

YANBU.

Maybe ask him if he'd be happy for a boyfriend to coerce her into hugs or kisses - or more! - when she's older and point out that he is showing her that he approves of such behaviour.

missyB1, if your DS kind of pulled away when you tried to hug or kiss him would you let him go or would you force them on him though?

Kids show when they don't want physical affection and it can be tough getting other family members to recognise that, let alone respect that if they were never afforded that respect themselves as children.

Ttbb · 14/09/2017 21:23

I was going to suggest parenting article too. Do you share a computer/tablet? Might be better to just leave it open.

JigglyTuff · 14/09/2017 21:32

If he's very 'woke' (whatever that means) on women's issues then just bloody tell him. Tell him that women are socialised not to say no to men and he's her male role model and it's really important that he teaches her that it's fine for her to do that.

Fuck 'leaving parenting articles open'. You're adults. Behave like them

Whosthemummynow · 14/09/2017 21:35

I didn't know we were supposed to ask our kids permission before showing affection.

Who knew?

Lovingmybear2 · 14/09/2017 21:36

Oh for goodness sake I grab my dss aged 28/27 and dds 18 for hugs and they grab me and their dad.

She's a cute baby who he loves not a social experiment.

Regularsizedrudy · 14/09/2017 21:37

Erm.. tell him?
Seriously you've had a baby with him but can't have a simple discussion?

jaseyraex · 14/09/2017 21:37

just bloody tell him. It's an important issue, don't pussy foot around it. It may not really impact your daughter now but it will as she gets older and he needs to understand that. Don't treat him like a child and leave articles open, thats ridiculous. If he's hurt by what you say then he's hurt, I'm sure you'll tell him that's not your intention and he'll get over it.

RoderickRules · 14/09/2017 21:44

It sounds like it may be a clumsy way of communicating with her.

DD's grandparents had a teasy, wind-up style of communicating too.
Now she's a teenager she has opted out of spending time with them as its overwhelming.

Are his parents like this?

Original poster
TenForward82 · 14/09/2017 21:56

Often if we ask for a kiss she will lean in for one, or run to us for a cuddle. Because she's "off" with DH she usually says no to him, and gets upset if he goes ahead.

His parents don't show much physical affection. My mum grabs and goes for violent kisses (which she also does with DD) which I've always hated.

As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse I am a bit more alert to the issue of bodily autonomy than some parents, I'm aware.

He feels criticised as a parent so I want to approach sensitively. I like the article idea.

OP posts:
Lovingmybear2 · 14/09/2017 21:57

So kissing and hugging his 18 month old dd will negatively impact on her life Shock

My grandson is 18 months old and ajways says no to most things. He's hugged kissed and loved.

This thread and some comments here are bat shit crazy

Lovingmybear2 · 14/09/2017 22:02

Op sorry to hear what you went through but if you want honesty my opinion is youneed help here to overcome or of the awful things you suffered not try to project onto your dds dad. You also don't like his mums kissing her.

Honestly not criticising you but hugging and grabbing to kiss a tiny toddler is what parents do.

Bodily autonomy is of course vital to teach but think it's too much too soon. Flowers

Strokethefurrywall · 14/09/2017 22:02

This thread and some comments here are bat shit crazy

Yup.

Aperolspritzer123 · 14/09/2017 22:06

I'm with you on this OP, a similar thing happened with my dd and my exh a few months ago. He wanted a cuddle, she resisted, she said no. He tried to persuade her, she said no. He tried reverse psychology (jokingly). at this point I stepped in and said to him 'She said NO'.Then I had a little chat with him about his role as a father being about teaching his daughter that she had autonomy of her own body even at a young age and that imo it is wrong to coerce people into doing things they're not comfortable with. To be fair to him he did admit that he'd never thought of it like that before, now he doesn't do it. Just tell him!
I know it sounds all dramatic but it's a good thing for dc (especially girls) to have drummed into them at an early age instead of this old fashioned idea that adults get to override their feelings whenever THEY want a cuddle or a kiss. I never force my dc to kiss anyone - I was always forced to kiss family members and I remember hating it so much!

Cailleach666 · 14/09/2017 22:07

Because she's "off" with DH she usually says no to him, and gets upset if he goes ahead.

Can you explain?

It sounds fucking horrible.

Father asks to kiss DD, she refuses, he does so anyway and she gets upset.

Wouldn't go on in my house.

Aperolspritzer123 · 14/09/2017 22:10

I think children deserve respect whatever their age. If a child doesn't want a kiss or a cuddle don't force them!

2littlemoos · 14/09/2017 22:10

I agree with your concerns OP and second what aperol said.

Apileofballyhoo · 14/09/2017 22:13

Keep hugging and kissing him when he's in the middle of something else to an annoying degree and see if he gets your point. You know, when he's in a hurry to get ready or go out or watching his favourite TV programme or something.

JigglyTuff · 14/09/2017 22:13

Lovingmybear - teaching children that their boundaries are to be trampled over is bodily autonomy 101.

TenForward - I come from a very affectionate family with zero sexual abuse. But I have always taught my DC that they have the right to say no to physical contact. Because it's an important life skill.

They're very affectionate. Possibly because it's never been forced Hmm

Original poster
TenForward82 · 14/09/2017 22:17

Thank you to the posters who get it.

I have said "She said no" before but it doesn't seem to sink in. I think I'll need to have a more serious convo with him.

OP posts:
zippey · 14/09/2017 22:18

I think age is important here. Between 0-5 years it is important to love, kiss, hug and cuddle your kid as much as possible. Kids say no all the time. Half the time they don't know what they are saying no to.

After the age of about 5 then respecting their wishes is important. But not before.

opheliacat · 14/09/2017 22:19

Why is she off with him?

Lovingmybear2 · 14/09/2017 22:19

I think I live in a parallel universe and actually so glad I do.

I get the ops concerns as she has been abused but other posters really arnt helping by stoking her concerns.

Op your dh randomly kissing and cuddling his own 18 month old dd is completely normal it's not going to teach her anything other than daddy loves her and there's years to talk to her and teach her how to keep herself safe.

She's a baby.