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Original poster

DH, DD and bodily autonomy

171 replies

TenForward82 · 14/09/2017 21:00

DD is 18 months. DH is an amazing dad but one thing that makes me wince is that he will ask her for a kiss or hug and if she says no, do it anyway. If I ask and she says no, I just say "ok" and leave it there.

I'm concerned at the message he's sending her by ignoring her free will on this. I know she's only little but it still makes me uncomfortable. When she says no he'll sometimes cajole her with "Go on, go onnnnn" and tonight he grabbed her for a hug after she said no and said "I got one anyway". It just makes me squirm.

She's historically not very comfortable with him so I understand he craves that contact, but I think it'll make her feel worse about their relationship, not better.

How can I bring this up without making him feel crushed? He's very "woke" on women's issues but like most men just does some things without thinking about it.

OP posts:
nuttyknitter · 14/09/2017 22:20

This makes me so cross! What's so magical about age 5? If a child doesn't want to be touched their wishes should be respected, no matter what their age.

Original poster
TenForward82 · 14/09/2017 22:21

I don't know, she's always preferred me, as primary carer, I guess

OP posts:
opheliacat · 14/09/2017 22:21

OP understands that it is normal.

However, there is a wider issue here. I was certainly made to hug and kiss relatives. No harm done but the point is that when an adult forces their will onto a child it can make the child feel their wishes will be ignored.

BUT there is a fine line between that and turning things into a needless palaver.

littlecabbage · 14/09/2017 22:22

I agree with you OP. It is important to teach her that her body belongs to her, and she can refuse contact if and when she wants to. Forcing her to have contact after she has said no, will make her resent it, and will send the message that her preferences don't matter.

opheliacat · 14/09/2017 22:22

I think you need to work on that, Ten

They need one on one time to properly bond.

MuddlingMackem · 14/09/2017 22:23

zippy, kids younger than 5 are very capable of showing that they don't want physical affection, I know my DD did from about the age of 1. Sometimes she was happy with it, but mostly she wasn't. We just put it down to her not being a huggy type of child and when family would try to initiate hugs we would just say, 'ah, she's not in a huggy mood today' and they would have to accept that. A few years later and it became clear that she is a huggy child, but only when the mood takes her, and we all respect that.

Lovingmybear2 · 14/09/2017 22:24

jiggiy

Thanks but my dds and my dss totally understand bodily autonomy and are all healthy happy adults with their own kids.

What a bloody sad world it is if 18 month old babies have to consent to kisses and cuddles before getting them!

One of my grandsons is 18 months old and had speech delay. Thankfully being a bloody normal family we arnt waiting for his formal consent to cuddle him.

Fuck my munsnet crazy at times

Daydreamerbynight · 14/09/2017 22:28

If you would describe your husband as a secondary carer, that might be a reason why the bond needs work.

Cailleach666 · 14/09/2017 22:28

*One of my grandsons is 18 months old and had speech delay. Thankfully being a bloody normal family we arnt waiting for his formal consent to cuddle him.
*

My DD did not speak until she was 3 and a half. thankfully we as parents sensitive to her feelings we were well able to know when she wanted hugs and when not.
Even a six month old baby can communicate feelings,

Aperolspritzer123 · 14/09/2017 22:29

Of course randomly showing affection is a great thing - however if the affection is not well received then stop! It's not rocket science! That stuff about before age 5 is complete and utter bollocks. What so are you not a person with your own thoughts and feelings until you are 5?
My dd's uncle loves her so much, but he shows this by grabbing her and tickling her and she doesn't like it - so now because he has refused to get her cues on this and does it anyway she sits on my knee the whole time she is visiting him or hides behind me, clinging to my leg. I have told him that she doesn't like it and to STOP IT. He looked offended. If someone grabbed me like that they'd be getting a knee in the balls.

LaContessaDiPlump · 14/09/2017 22:29

I didn't experience any sexual abuse growing up, but did have fairly bullying/controlling parents and so was conscious that I didn't want to be like that in terms of 'YOU WILL SHOW ME LOVE'.

Having said that, DS1 was never very huggy as a little one but was also jealous of any affection shown to his little brother. Therefore, I started to leap on him shouting CUDDLE, hold for 2 seconds and then release. After a while he smiled when I did it so I took that as a sign it was ok Grin

Now he and DS2 are older (5 and 6), I do always ask if I can have a hug or kiss. I then actually pay attention to the answer, which is admittedly sometimes an effort. I do think it's important though, and ties in with our constant messages of 'I said NO and you need to respect that'.

opheliacat · 14/09/2017 22:30

It is a sad world where little children fall prey to sexual abuse, I quite agree.

We are as a society just starting to get our heads around the scale of the problem and as such we aren't going to be perfect. We have to temper our worries about bodily autonomy with common sense, of course we do.

Many people think that because their babies grew in their bodies and came out of their bodies and fed and nourished them from their bodies, they are an extension of them. They aren't.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 14/09/2017 22:30

Aren't people missing something here?

Giving a child that age a spontaneous hug or kiss is one thing. I think probably most people do that and it's normal. And I have never met a child that age who didn't also give spontaneous hugs/kisses/slobber too!

What's a bit off is if he's asking her, she's saying no, and he's doing it anyway. The point isn't that it's a hug or a kiss, the point is that it's confusing for her. It'd be equally weird if he always said 'are you going to eat your broccoli' and, when she said no, shoved a spoon in her mouth. Not that there's anything wrong with getting your child to eat their greens, but there's no need to pretend they have a totally free choice if you're then going to overrule them.

MammaTJ · 14/09/2017 22:31

My DGD is 19 months old and has never accepted hugs from me, her doting Granny!

She sunned my last week by putting her arms out to me and not then pulling them back and saying 'No', but actually following through. Since then, she has cuddled me and even gave me two kisses spontaneously today!

I got there by not forcing the issue, which DD was adamant would not happen, even if I had not been in agreement with her and letting her come round to me! The kisses happened when I had changed her nappy, stood her up to pull up her leggings then puckered up!

You have to tell your DH he cannot force her, he is teaching her how men behave! He has to let her come to him!

Lifeofpies · 14/09/2017 22:31

I quite like this article on consent, which has a bit on not 'forcing affection' www.romper.com/p/9-ways-to-teach-consent-to-your-toddler-before-theyre-old-enough-to-explain-it-9964/amp
Might be a good way to start discussion? Much as I love smothering my boy with kisses, I am forever watchful and respect his boundaries. I also ask if I can kiss or hug him if he's otherwise occupied, ie I wouldn't just grab him and hug him if he's eating/engaged in play/watching tv, but I might if we're 'wrestling' or snuggling in bed.

Daydreamerbynight · 14/09/2017 22:32

Cailleach666

Only sensitive in parenting eh?

Beeziekn33ze · 14/09/2017 22:33

Does he sit with her to watch her tv programmes, read her a bedtime story, share books with her, get down on the floor and play with her? Those are ways of having one to one time and getting physically and emotionally close without any grabbing or arguing.

OnlyHereForTheFeminists · 14/09/2017 22:34

No-one said that you need to ask for formal consent. Just that if a child says no, you don't ignore them and carry on.

OP I agree with you, it's not too early to teach your dd that no-one is allowed to touch her if she doesn't want them to. My dd has just started to say no to kisses. She seems to be experimenting with the word rather than seriously objecting, but I still want her to know that it's her choice.

opheliacat · 14/09/2017 22:36

DD2's first word was "yeah". She said it to everything. "Am I beautiful, DD2? Has daddy trumped? Shall I watch corrie and leave the tidying up?"

Grin

I always knew that child was a cool kid.

Ohyesiam · 14/09/2017 22:39

What is "woke"?

Wide0penSpace · 14/09/2017 22:39

@Lovingmybear2 The issue is not about actively asking a child for consent every time you want to show physical affection. It's teaching girls that they can say 'no' to physical displays of affection(particularly from males) and their choice will be respected. It's never too early to learn that!

mathanxiety · 14/09/2017 22:40

I think you need to sit him down and have that chat, OP. I think the suggestion of intrusive affectionate gestures when he has indicated he is not in the mood is something you could follow up with if he won't listen.

If he feels criticised as a parent, so be it. Both parents have the right to hold each other accountable for their approach as parents. Ideally everything can be discussed and consensus arrived at.

MoonGeek · 14/09/2017 22:42

She should not be forced to kiss/cuddle anyone. My ds is two and I always ask for kisses and cuddles, and he will let me know his response, verbally or otherwise.

I read an article on how to teach children about consent and it starts young. If you treat them with respect then they learn to treat others the same way.

MoonGeek · 14/09/2017 22:47

I like your article too lifeofpies

ScoobyDoosTinklyLaugh · 14/09/2017 22:51

I agree with you OP. DD gets loads of spontaneous hugs and kisses off us but sometimes she objects, we back off straight away when she does.