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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH, DD and bodily autonomy

171 replies

TenForward82 · 14/09/2017 21:00

DD is 18 months. DH is an amazing dad but one thing that makes me wince is that he will ask her for a kiss or hug and if she says no, do it anyway. If I ask and she says no, I just say "ok" and leave it there.

I'm concerned at the message he's sending her by ignoring her free will on this. I know she's only little but it still makes me uncomfortable. When she says no he'll sometimes cajole her with "Go on, go onnnnn" and tonight he grabbed her for a hug after she said no and said "I got one anyway". It just makes me squirm.

She's historically not very comfortable with him so I understand he craves that contact, but I think it'll make her feel worse about their relationship, not better.

How can I bring this up without making him feel crushed? He's very "woke" on women's issues but like most men just does some things without thinking about it.

OP posts:
Autumnskiesarelovely · 14/09/2017 22:55

Yes this is interesting, I've always felt like this, that kids when they say no should be respected. Only over ridden when we are teaching rules or it's about safety.

I also hate it when people look sad to get affection from kids. It doesn't look as bad when kids are young, a baby can't say no! However, I think it would be good if it started at any age. And physical affection can be while playing games too if they don't want a hug.

I also remember annoying slobbery uncles who insisted on a hug when I was young... yuk!

PopGoesTheWeaz · 14/09/2017 22:56

YANBU

I really don't understand the posters who don't understand the difference between having a cuddle, and having a cuddle when you have explicitly been told one is not wanted. Yes shes only 18 months, but he's a grown up and should be able to be patient. Maybe the reason she is off with him is because he keeps pissing her off by grabbing at her when shes told im not too?

I had a DN like this, who just didnt like cuddles as a baby and it was sometimes hard as the rest of us are a very cuddly affectionate family but we wanted to share this with him. But, you know, we got over it, a found other ways to show our affection, like, verbally.

MuncheysMummy · 14/09/2017 22:58

I'd be more concerned as to why she doesn't seem to like him? That situation needs to be recognised and worked on,its very sad for him and her to not have a good relationship and bond. I understand why he feels the need to cuddle her anyway it must be heartbreaking to not be able to snuggle your toddler and them snuggle you back affectionately that's the payoff for all the hard work that is parenting toddlers all the random cuddles and giggles when playing together

Voice0fReason · 14/09/2017 22:59

If he ignores her when she says no, he will have no right to tell her off or complain when she ignores him when he says no to her.

How can you expect a child to listen to you when you don't listen to them?

How can they learn to understand and take notice of "no" when they are given mixed messages about its meaning?

Autumnskiesarelovely · 14/09/2017 23:00

I know munchies however a relationship with an 18 month old is getting down on their level and engaging with them. It's easy! Anyone can do it. You just have to blow a raspberry or play peekaboo and they think it's hilarious.

But asking for hugs and affection? That's all about us the adults and our needs.

Autumnskiesarelovely · 14/09/2017 23:05

Yes voice quite agree. I have a child with severe language delay and also understanding, and you can really see how crucial trust is. I have taught him 'no' and 'stop' and often tickle him and he says 'stop' and I do it immediately. He is very sensitive to others not allowing him to have any control and sometimes people are totally in his face just 'at him' with questions or touch. We do need to learn as adults to meet our children where they feel safe, to build that trust.

By that I mean, if we are annoying them and they are pulling away, we stop! If they cover their ears, we are quiet! If the move away from touch, we don't touch them! And then we notice, by playing, what they do like, and we do that!

PopGoesTheWeaz · 14/09/2017 23:06

the payoff for all the hard work

sorry, toddlers don't OWE their parents anything for their hard work.

And relationships are not built on physical contact.

Not to be too dramatic but that's like saying "I bought you dinner, you owe me sex" and "If you loved me you'd have sex with me".

He just needs to give her space and I'm sure shed come around, but what a horrible basis for their relationship to grow if its based on forced and coerced physical attention.

Puppymouse · 14/09/2017 23:13

I constantly pester DD nearly 4 for cuddles and kisses. Only this morning she yelled at DH while cuddled up to me in bed, "Daddy can you get Mummy off me?" If she gets cross I don't pursue it but it's kind of become a joke between us that I squeeze her or snuggle her growling "cuddle/love/snuggle me" - she loves it and as a pp said, because she's a toddler she also loves saying no sometimes. She is very careful who she lets cuddle her though and I respect that.

Autumnskiesarelovely · 14/09/2017 23:14

You do see that often though, with the Dad (or Mum if she's out at work) coming in and wanting a 'hug' first and getting huffy if the child doesn't give it. It's a shame, how about coming in and doing something that the child wants instead!

My Ex did this and was always expecting a lot of hugs. Even now, he expects way too much emotional feedback from DS, but does less parenting... it's too much about feeling like a loved father and not actually being one.

Viviennemary · 14/09/2017 23:17

I agree some of the comments are totally beyond madness. Comparing a parent kissing an eighteen month old with a boyfriend kissing a girlfriend is totally weird IMHO.

Lovingmybear2 · 14/09/2017 23:17

wide

Teaching boys is just as important.

Look yes absolutlry I don't like people continually grabbing abs hugging children mainly because those types are noisy and annoying as people.

However in this particular case the op has openly stated she was abused and obviously this makes it a very sensitive situation for her.

Equally her dh comes from a huggy boisterous family and sees his behaviour as completely normal.

In my view neither is all wrong or all right and with good communication each can be brought to understand he others views.

I just think some posters are a bit OTT on the bodily autonomy or am 18 month old baby.

Some posters are making him sound groomy and all dds obviously all set for a pole dancing career because daddy didn't respect them saying no to a hug as a toddler.

for goodness sake a bit of commen sense.

Lovingmybear2 · 14/09/2017 23:19

Autumn

Op says he's an amazing dad so not in the least like your ex.

Lots of projection here.

Goosegettingfat · 14/09/2017 23:20

I get you OP. But you just have to tell him. My dh used to do something similar: he would get annoyed at dd1 if she didn't want to hug/kiss dd2 and try and force her. I said "I don't think that's a great idea. We don't want to teach our dd that if someone wants to touch her, she has to let them and reciprocate. That's not a message we want to send." He's a switched on guy so he got it instantly. Problem solved.

GarlicGrace · 14/09/2017 23:31

This thread's reminiscent of those conversations with men who think sexual consent means women want a signed, detailed certificate prior to physical contact Hmm The point isn't that OP's DH spontaneously kisses his daughter, it's that he kisses her after she's indicated reluctance.

TenForward82, it's illuminating that you say his parents show no affection. It must be pretty hard to develop a nuanced understanding for things like family hugs, if your own childhood lacked those things. It may even have left him feeling a bit desperate, perhaps, for the physically affectionate family he never learned how to have. And, sorry to say, children read their parents' emotions extremely well - underlying anxiety of his could be putting DD off!

That said, most kids go through phases of preferring one parent over the other - quite often for several years per parent. It does sound like you can talk to him, and the only problem is a certain insecurity on his part. Hope you get this sorted easily.

yodelehoho · 14/09/2017 23:32

FFS FAT GOOse, OR WHatever you are called...

Jux · 14/09/2017 23:33

DH used to ignore dd's "no" too. I explained to him why he should consider respecting her wishes; clearly he thought about it, as he stopped.

These days, he throws is arms open and says "gimme a hug". Mostly she does, but sometimes she doesn't, and he's fine with that.

Just talk to each other.

FenceSitter01 · 14/09/2017 23:34

Anyone called social services or signed the toddler up to Stately Homes ?

GarlicGrace · 14/09/2017 23:41

These days, he throws is arms open and says "gimme a hug".

This is so natural & normal, it's hard to understand why people think consent is a problem!

Wide0penSpace · 14/09/2017 23:43

Yes, teaching boys to respect consent and choice is as important as teaching girls @lovingmybear2 - I didn't imply it wasn't.

MuddlingMackem · 14/09/2017 23:44

Viviennemary Thu 14-Sep-17 23:17:03

I agree some of the comments are totally beyond madness. Comparing a parent kissing an eighteen month old with a boyfriend kissing a girlfriend is totally weird IMHO.

It really, really isn't. Girls learn from their fathers what kind of behaviour from men is acceptable. This father is teaching his daughter that a man's insistence on physical affection over-rides her reluctance. It's the drip drip effect and it's so much easier just to respect her boundaries from babyhood and give her the confidence to set and enforce them from the beginning than for her to have to start learning that as a teenager.

SweetLuck · 14/09/2017 23:47

Tell him to stop asking and just do it.

Anecdoche · 14/09/2017 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lovingmybear2 · 14/09/2017 23:50

So now we are equating a dad grabbing a toddler for a hug with a man asking for sexual consent. Dear God what a mind set.

Yes Fence waiting for the LTB brigade as he obviously has zero respect for you and dd.

Anyway off to kiss the dog I hope she won't mind Smile

Iheartjordanknight · 14/09/2017 23:53

YABU love and affection is hugely important and is the best thing you or you h can show your child

Iheartjordanknight · 14/09/2017 23:54

Yes but muddling children also learn affection from their parents which is enormously important in the early years