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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH, DD and bodily autonomy

171 replies

TenForward82 · 14/09/2017 21:00

DD is 18 months. DH is an amazing dad but one thing that makes me wince is that he will ask her for a kiss or hug and if she says no, do it anyway. If I ask and she says no, I just say "ok" and leave it there.

I'm concerned at the message he's sending her by ignoring her free will on this. I know she's only little but it still makes me uncomfortable. When she says no he'll sometimes cajole her with "Go on, go onnnnn" and tonight he grabbed her for a hug after she said no and said "I got one anyway". It just makes me squirm.

She's historically not very comfortable with him so I understand he craves that contact, but I think it'll make her feel worse about their relationship, not better.

How can I bring this up without making him feel crushed? He's very "woke" on women's issues but like most men just does some things without thinking about it.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 15/09/2017 00:11

YANBU. He should listen to his daughter.

Of course children learn things from their parents, and of course if a dad, or mum, totally overrides a child's feelings in this way it is not at all helpful.

OP just be gentle explaining it to him.

Charolais · 15/09/2017 00:30

Would you feel the same way if the child was a boy?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 15/09/2017 00:31

Giving a child that age a spontaneous hug or kiss is one thing. I think probably most people do that and it's normal. And I have never met a child that age who didn't also give spontaneous hugs/kisses/slobber too!

What's a bit off is if he's asking her, she's saying no, and he's doing it anyway

Exactly. Why is that distinction so difficult to understand?

Italiangreyhound · 15/09/2017 00:46

Charolais "Would you feel the same way if the child was a boy?"

I have a son and a daughter and I do feel this way for both kids, personally.

Charolais · 15/09/2017 00:50

Sorry Italiangreyhound. I’m new here and learning the ropes. I meant to ask OP. Smile

timeisnotaline · 15/09/2017 00:54

While I do think he should be a bit more respectful of her wishes, I really really hope you are putting at least as much effort into thinking about how you could get her to hug him more. Make sure you leave them alone for activities including bath and story, if you have to leave the house so she doesn't yell fro you then do that. he takes her to the Park and the shops and a cafe etc. Because you must know how much you love your dds hugs and kisses and can see that he wants some. Both dh & I would find it very hard if our toddler consistently rejected one of us for affection. When my son pushed me away at about that age my husband would always give me a kiss and cuddle and say we love mummy. Are you doing anyrhing like this or are you just researching how to persuade him to leave your daughter alone?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 15/09/2017 00:55

I'm obviously not the OP but I'm not sure what relevance the sex of the child has.

Parent/ adult asks for a kiss ; child says no. Adult should respect that.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 15/09/2017 01:02

It's not that I think DH is being creepy and equating it with sexual consent but it is about teaching the child that her body is her own and she gets to decide who touches her. (I find it crazy how many people on MN forget that children are individuals. sigh.) It's so that if she wants to say no to someone else, she knows what to do and what to expect (that they will stop) and that if they don't that something is wrong (not "oh daddy never stopped either").

PopGoesTheWeaz · 15/09/2017 01:14

Anyway off to kiss the dog I hope she won't mind
If your dog growled at you as you approached, would you ignore her and pounce on her anyway?

GinIsIn · 15/09/2017 01:53

you mention DD is "off" with him and then later "he feels judged as a parent" - by whom?

TrailingWife · 15/09/2017 01:56

It's not that I think DH is being creepy and equating it with sexual consent but it is about teaching the child that her body is her own and she gets to decide who touches her.

Exactly. The problem isn't that daddy is a sexually predator, but that he is teaching her to be easy prey for a sexual predator. He's making it easy for some pervert to molest her, or a future date to just keep going and do what ever he feels like, even rape her. Because the lesson, at a VERY fundamental level, is that other people can do what ever they want to do to you. You have no say. And that equals love. It's a sick lesson.

I'd have exactly the same discomfort with someone treating a boy that way. Boys are sexually abused as well. Those who love them don't need to make them easy prey, either.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/09/2017 02:17
This is really good (if a little cloying). Of course we should respect human beings' choices with their body.

DD is 6 and is used to us respecting her body. She knows it's her choice. As it should be.

toomuchtooold · 15/09/2017 05:54

Totally agree with you on this one OP, and I'm confused at the idea that hugging and kissing a child against their will is being called affection. I don't think it feels affectionate to the child. I think it probably feels about as affectionate as a poke in the ribs.

TheHungryDonkey · 15/09/2017 06:35

YANBU. My 7yo daughter has always been quirky about hugs and kisses from either me or relatives. Sometimes she wants them other times she doesn't like it and pulls away.

It really pisses me off when other people don't respect that and try to guilt trip her into having a hug. I've had rows with family members about it. It's her body and her choice and she shouldn't be emotionally blackmailed into using it for other people's emotional need or want.

It's really important to respect no means no.

troodiedoo · 15/09/2017 06:49

Agree also. There have been some good resources listed. Never too young to learn about consent.

Original poster
TenForward82 · 15/09/2017 07:18

Charolais "Would you feel the same way if the child was a boy?"

Yes, absolutely. However, women have bigger issues with bodily autonomy than men so I'm more concerned.

He feels criticised by me. DD has preferred me from an early age and that makes him feel rejected. I've worked hard at trying to show him there are better ways to bond (playing, etc) but he still wants that affirmation of kisses and cuddles, which I completely understand. She's gotten better with him as she gets older.

Btw she's very cuddly and affectionate. Just not with him sadly.

OP posts:
Cailleach666 · 15/09/2017 07:23

yimeisnotaline
I really really hope you are putting at least as much effort into thinking about how you could get her to hug him more......you love your dds hugs and kisses and can see that he wants some.

A child owes a parent nothing and should not be coerced into giving daddy anything.

timeisnotaline · 15/09/2017 07:26

Where did you get coerced from? I did not say it, describe coercion or intend to describe it. My example was simply daddy showing mummy affection. Our son would often eagerly lean in for a cuddle when we did this.

AtHomeDadGlos · 15/09/2017 07:26

18 month olds don't know what they're saying 'no' to. YABU.

troodiedoo · 15/09/2017 07:36

It's sad that a lot of men need babies to "give something back" (and I have heard that phrase) to feel validated.

Your best bet probably a gentle approach though. Keep leading by example, tell him not to react when she says no, other than a cheerful "OK", perhaps ask if he can can shake her hand? Is he reading to her? That could help them bond.

Original poster
TenForward82 · 15/09/2017 07:47

He asked her for a kiss just now and she shook her head, so I firmly said "oh, ok, another time then" and he didn't push. Success, of a sort! But good ideas here, thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
TenForward82 · 15/09/2017 07:50

AtHomeDad, how funny. My DD can tell me what food she does or doesn't want, what program she wants on TV, what book she does or doesn't want to read, and will consent to kisses and hugs when she wants them. So ......

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 15/09/2017 07:56

If he wants her to start being more comfortable with him then he does need to let affection etc be on her terms. He's potentially making the issue worse by pushing it.

I agree he should try some other things like high five, pat-a-cake games, anything like that and try to trust that she absolutely will move up to cuddles and kisses. I appreciate it must be hard though.

Would she go in the bath with him? DS used to do this with XP and it was their skin to skin bonding time as I had breastfeeding and he didn't. He could wear swimming trunks if he feels self conscious but at that age it's also perfectly fine to be naked.

Cailleach666 · 15/09/2017 07:58

18 month olds don't know what they're saying 'no' to. YABU.

I disagree.

At 18 months my kids had a preference to which shoes they wore, which foods to choose, where to sit, whether they wanted to sit on a lap, or the floor. They could choose a toy, ask for a cuddle, decide if they wanted a story read.

An 18 month old does have a great deal of understanding of their world.
Pity you can't see that.

TammySwansonTwo · 15/09/2017 08:04

So disheartened by so many of the comments here. How can you not see that pushing physical contact on a child who's made it clear they don't want it is problematic? Children need to learn that no means no, in all aspects of life. No one is saying that this father is going to abuse the child. They are saying that normalising a situation where they say no to physical affection and adults do it anyway is dangerous, which it is.

I actually was abused by my father, when I was older than this. At a younger age he would force me to hug and kiss him when I didn't want to and that alone was enough to damage my relationship and trust with him.

I'm teaching my boys to high five and no one will give them hugs and kisses they don't want.