Private school and step child - who is BU?

[ChewyBricks]

DH and I have DTSs aged 3 and we also have DSD (DH's DD) who is 9. DSD lives with us half the time.

We are in the very fortunate position that we can afford to pay for all the DCs to go to private school. At the moment DSD goes to a state primary near her mum's house (about 30 mins away from where we live) but when she goes to secondary school, we want to send her to the private school near us, as we will also do the same for our boys when they start school.

The problem is DSD's mum doesn't want her to go. We've said we'll cover the fees and she doesn't have to contribute anything, but she's making all sorts of 'not sure' and 'I'm not keen' noises, but hasn't really articulated why, or given a sold reason why not. I know some people are vehemently against private schools (I don't really want to start a debate long those lines!) but if she has any strong moral or political objection, she hasn't said so. The school is in between both our houses, so distance isn't an issue. We can all drive, have cars, etc.

I'm not sure how to move the discussion forward. We want DSD to have the same opportunities as the twins. And it doesn't seem fair to just send the boys private and not DSD when we can afford it.

Mum disengages, repeatedly requests Op's family take the child extra days, and 'leaves big decisions to them by default. This puts Op in a very different position than stepmum to an actively parented child. Of course she feels more involved. She IS, in reality, more involved

Except we only have one side to the story don't we? OP may feel mum is disengaged. Mum may feel her child has been ripped from her. Particularly as OP is a SAHM and assuming mum needs to work to keep things ticking over. Can you imagine how that feels? OP is clearly strongly opinionated so there is a very likely clash there before you add in something as devisive as private education, Mumhasn't explained her position - she may not have one, she may be being difficult for the sake of it, or she may know that her opinion is pointless because the expand OP won't listen. There is a lot of assumption and ultimately, I fall back on the 'if it goes to court, this is a fight between the parents only' so that's the bottom line.,

Fucking hell. The mother wants a night (or more) out and she therefore isn't allowed a say in where her child is educated. Wow.

As with every post on Mumsnet, we can only go on what the OP says. This has turned into a discussion as to whether or not the OP should have any say in arrangements regarding her DSD. From what OP has told us, I think she does. However, OP was asking how they can move the discussion regarding education forward., maybe we could get back on topic? Again, they're at the intital discussion stage, talk of court is jumping the gun somewhat.

When did anybody say the mother doesn't have a say in her child's education!?

As a step mum and mum me and my husband (dsd) dad had no in put what so ever in nursery , primary or high school. And when his ex didn't like the high school we were only told when she was about to transfer to another the day before. My husband has never been involved in any of the medical appointments when dsd had been ill , I'm not saying it's right or we liked.

I think it's a decision for the parents, and step parents have nothing to do with where a child is educated.
Maybe explain to the child's parents that it might create a rift in the family as the child grows up with half siblings who have had a private education when they haven't.
It really is up to the parents though and none of your business tbh.

If she was doing half of all the running around then, yes, I'd expect her opinion to factor in the overall decision.

I wouldn't expect to make a unilateral decision that affected someone else's family life and their weekly schedule without their input.

But your reasons for wanting the private school are nothing to do with the practicalities, it's because you feel the private school is better for DSD (and maybe it is) but it's not your decision to make.

DH needs to find out the reasons for his ex's reservations against the private school and then take these into account. DHs reasons for wanting a particular school may include how practical it is for you as a family.

Imagine if DH was with someone new and she was trying to persuade you to send your DSs to 'the local comp' as she felt this was the best school for them. Would you not be put out/upset/angry that this person was trying to decide what was best for your DSs future.

Have just seen your post about what you do for your step child, sounds like your dh has a nanny with benefits for all his kids
Does he parent his children at all?

I think you made a good suggestion OP by asking the mum of DSD to attend some open evenings with you.

Arrange a night out after to discuss it and ask outright what her fears or apprehensions are regarding private school.

I absolutely do believe that DSD should be consulted too; no point sending a child to a school they hate as it will only wreck and overshadow their education.

It is something you ALL need to sit down and discuss. TBH I don't think anyone has the 'hierarchy' to decide where DSD goes. I would hope to think that actually it is DSD's decision because it is about what SHE wants. As a teacher, I know that our Y6's largely dictate their secondary choice. Mum needs to consider how her decisions will affect DSD in the long term.

My DS has 2 options for secondary - school A and school B. School A is catchment area and school B is an extra 10 minutes away and offers more in terms of choices at GCSE and has a sixth form whereas the other doesn't and school A has been lingering in the satisfactory/requires improvement for years!
I actually want him to go to school C but that is private and we would have to rely heavily on a scholarship and it is a pipe dream at the moment. But when the time comes, DS will ultimately decide. I an persuade and put my argument forward but I would NEVER send him to a school that he doesn't want to attend unless of course the school of choice is absolutely dire in pupil health and well being, academic success and GCSE and A Level choices.

DSD's friend's big sister has started at the school and has told DSD what her sister gets up to

From my own experiences as a child - i can understand that.
I didn't have the opportunity in my home life to do half the things 'regular' kids did, so i was even more enamoured with the extra privileges enjoyed by those at private school.
I think you need to be careful in managing DSD expectations - usually there is more focus on the academic side and the workload/intensity is not suited to all children.

You could also let dsd know that she can do these activities without going private.
Previous posters have mentioned putting aside that money for her, so she can either enjoy more activities (which is what she's interested in) or she can use it for later on.
This would be a better way of discussing her interest in private school.

What shesaid said !

And in addition: it's quite hard to say you are against private school to someone who is invested in it. You don't expect them to understand because the elitism it sustains is something you are part of.

In practice, DSD's mum often asks us to have DSD extra nights and weekends - sometimes for work reasons, sometimes for personal reasons

That is very different to saying she just can't be bothered/isn't interested in dd's welfare
To an outsider, it looks like you and dh are 'punishing' the mother for needing the support that enables her to work.
Does she have a partner who offers the same support that you provide your dh?

It's a conversation that's needed between your dh and his ex as joint parents really. That is it.

Well I've no idea what it is beyond 'not really keen'

She doesn't really need to explain any further though......private schooling is not a necessity and it doesn't provide a guarantee.
So neither of you should be hounding/pestering/harassing/keep banging on about private schools for her dd.

Also, have a heart. When you know that her socio-economic position is very different when compared to yours.....why do you want to keep pushing her to spell it out for you?
Do you want to embarrass her or make her feel shit?

Why not just focus on giving dsd access to extra activities for now?
Leave the talk of private schooling til she turns 10?

Why do you keep saying "we will pay" ? What you mean is her father will pay. Her father's income can be spent on her in any given way , without you necessarily trying to over ride her mother's decision. If you are honestly trying to make sure the children all get a fair share of their father's salary spent on them Then feel free put the money in saving/trust fund/assets for his daughter.
He could also support her in now with activities, additional tuition, educational trips etc instead of arguing about what might happen years from now.

I think you need to take a step back and clear your vision.

I am afraid you have no parental responsibility. Even if you are the father's new wife. So although you could offer your opinion if they ask for it . You really shouldn't be pushing your own agenda with this " resident parent and 60:40 nonsense" this is someone's child not a reception teddy bear who gets spend different weekends with different families.

You have what seems a total disregard for the child's mother and if this is the case the daughter will soon enough pick up on this.
.good luck

Heebie For her child? The child is the fathers too and HE would like her to go private. The mother doesn't trump everyone else! Especially the child's!

Mothers seem to walk on water and every reason will be explored as to why she doesn't want to go private, why she gets the father so to do extra care, why she might feel this or that. Some mother are not so great. Some mothers. Not that that means she doesn't get a say, she of course still does but OP is not controlling or mean.

OP, did you H ever express a preference for private education with his ex before now? I'm presuming that he's had the means to pay for private schooling for some time (possibly even whilst he and ex were still married since he now has the funds to pay for three kids on his salary alone). If he hasn't been mooting private education as a possibility or an aspiration before now I can see why the ex might (a) be a bit blindsided by this new offer being put on the table, and (b) feel that it's been driven by you since your H was presumably previously content that the state education was perfectly fine for his daughter. I have a 9 year old and, if my ex had a preference for private secondary, I'd be staggered if he was only just started mentioning it now.

I think It's great and fair and right that this offer is being made - give the ex a little time to get her head round it and then she and your H need to discuss the relative benefits of each option and come to a choice.

We are in the very fortunate position that we can afford to pay for all the DCs to go to private school.

But you are not in a position to send someone else's child to a private school if that is against her mother's wishes. And I suspect you know that talking to a nine-year-old about this matter is unfair on her - if she knows that you want private school she will agree with you.

And if your assumption that private is automatically better than state is a sample of your thinking, then I wonder about the quality of your decision making overall. Our local private school went bust for £5 million five years ago and was bought into the state system as an academy for £5 million of taxpayers' money. And this is going to happen more and more often in the next thirty years as fees gradually price all but the very rich out of the market.

Geordie1944 - I'm guessing by your username and last paragraph that we live near each other!

Why not ask if DSD mom would like to look around school she can hardly be expected to make decision if she has not been to look around and ask any questions she may have. She may be worried her DD may lose her current friends if she moves school. She may also worry about what would happen if your circumstances changed, redundancy, divorce etc. could money be put into trust fund for education which may well allay her fears.

Private school is a long , big , commitment - you can't just leave one and go back into the state sector. I would not let someone take on my son's school fees unless I was absolutely sure they could pay to the bitter end (which in our case has involved and extra year as he re-did AS year at the by no means small cost of £28000 which we had not been expecting to pay. In the current economic climate, no-0ne can guarantee where they will be in ten years' time (unless, of course, you have won the lottery, and I think that if you are honest, your twins' futures will always come first, so I don't blame her for being unsure about this. Plus, independent schooling has a lot of extra costs - uniform, a large variety of sporting outfits and outdoor activity outfits, not to mention things like a really decent lap-top, phone, car (once seventeen) otherwise you feel left out. Independent school is not for everyone and I think you should seriously consider what you are offering to take on here.

Why not save the money for university? Private school students have a higher drop out rate and more state school students get Firsts.

Take DSD and her mum to an open day and let them see what the school is about.

why she gets the father so to do extra care,

Because if her work involves overnights or late nights or early mornings, childcare is either nonexsistent or prohibitively expensive? Because surely the child is better in the care of a willing parent than a child minder? Because sometimes she wants a night out, to let her hair down and have a hangover? So what?

I think maybe you're putting her nose out of joint. Suspect she feels a bit miffed / usurped by the offer.

Her DD, Her & D-exH choice - try suggesting that they discuss together what they want for their DD & their feelings on private school vs state & who funds all the added costs - then recommend they visit lots schools together to choose (all 3 of them).

Went private myself - hated it there, but can write a formal letter / email well.