Private school and step child - who is BU?

[ChewyBricks]

DH and I have DTSs aged 3 and we also have DSD (DH's DD) who is 9. DSD lives with us half the time.

We are in the very fortunate position that we can afford to pay for all the DCs to go to private school. At the moment DSD goes to a state primary near her mum's house (about 30 mins away from where we live) but when she goes to secondary school, we want to send her to the private school near us, as we will also do the same for our boys when they start school.

The problem is DSD's mum doesn't want her to go. We've said we'll cover the fees and she doesn't have to contribute anything, but she's making all sorts of 'not sure' and 'I'm not keen' noises, but hasn't really articulated why, or given a sold reason why not. I know some people are vehemently against private schools (I don't really want to start a debate long those lines!) but if she has any strong moral or political objection, she hasn't said so. The school is in between both our houses, so distance isn't an issue. We can all drive, have cars, etc.

I'm not sure how to move the discussion forward. We want DSD to have the same opportunities as the twins. And it doesn't seem fair to just send the boys private and not DSD when we can afford it.

I think there's no point in getting all huffy about schedules because you asked and don't like the answers. You've had a generous impulse and are enthused, that's lovely. But you do come across as determined to undermine the mother's role, influence, parenting and rights as a parent. Maybe if you take a step back you will see that she might have a valid point of view. You say she's just not saying what her objection is, but you don't sound terribly receptive to her point of view either.

Suggest DH needs to ask DSD's mother to look at the two possible schools with DSD and him and make an informed choice. Money won't be a factor either way by the sound of it.

Should I say I won't do the pick ups and drop offs any more then? Because to be honest I'd love to not have to. Is that too involved? I'm happy to be less involved if it means not having to wrestle the twins into the car twice a day three times a week.

Can I start not washing DSD's uniform and games kit? That would make life easier.

I could afford to send my kids to private school .

But I don't want to.

If their dad remarried ( we get on very well and share 50 50 ) to someone a lot richer , had more kids and the new wife was rich and wanted to send all kids to private school I would be very unhappy and it might damage the excellent relationship I have with their dad.

You can't just ignore the private school debate . It's at the heart of the whole thing.

I would NEVER send my kids to private school

Nope OP, you have to give all the time but have absolutely no say. Please do keep up ;-)

but you don't sound terribly receptive to her point of view either.

Well I've no idea what it is beyond 'not really keen'.

To be really clear, I haven't spoken to her about this at all. DH raised it over the phone with her when they were having a call to sort out something else with DSD. He ran it past her as a sort of 'what do you think?' and he says she just sort of shut it down and said she wasn't keen but never elaborated on why.

Nothing's been said since, so I'm none the wiser. Although some posters have suggested some useful insights here.

A good friend sent DD number 1 to an extremely prestigious private school.

Five years later they had another kid who they have chosen to send to the local comp; not because they can't afford the private school x 2 but because they aren't that impressed with it !

Nope OP, you have to give all the time but have absolutely no say. Please do keep up ;-)

Oh right. So I have to do everything that a co-parent does, but STFU when 'mum and dad' are talking?

Got it.

The parents share custody 50/50. In reality the mother asks her ex and his new wife to look after the daughter over and above this, sometimes for solely personal reasons. The OP is closely involved with the child and regularly takes her to school. If the mother has a problem with that arrangement it is curious she doesn't stick to the custody agreement. To a degree the mother is encouraging closer bonds between her daughter and the OP and relying upon the OP to care for her daughter. Yet some on this thread seem to think she should completely butt out of things? It's a bit unrealistic in the circumstances.

Does it matter why she is not keen ? Does she have to give an explanation.

Maybe she thinks private schools raise kids to be snooty and entitled but is too polite to say to not offend your twins?

Yes she should give an explanation because the Dad does want her to go. Therefore a discussion with reasons need to be had.
The Mum doesn't automatically trump the Dad.

I agree that the decision as to which school should be solely between the parents. BUT any decision that involves OP having to do/fetch/carry/run/whatever to facilitate the school of choice needs to be run by her first and she should be able to say "Yes, that's fine" or "No, I won't do that".

Deciding that DSD will attend the local state school, completely up to the parents. But saying, for instance, that OP will do two school runs (twins to private/DSD to state) to facilitate DSD going to the local whilst twins are at the private is NOT a decision to be made solely by the parents. OP must be consulted and agree.

Sorry, but it's really nothing to do with you. You shouldn't be involved in this decision in any way whatsoever as you are not her parent. I know that sounds harsh but it is a parenting choice and I just don't think your involvement is necessary or helpful. I'm very black and white about step families though so others may see it differently.

I do totally agree with you about private school though and hope that the mum can go and see it and come around to the decision. It sounds like she might be cutting her daughter off from a great opportunity for the wrong reasons otherwise.

a degree the mother is encouraging closer bonds between her daughter and the OP and relying upon the OP to care for her daughter

As a mum, as far as I'm concerned my children are with their father when not with me. I have no legal right to challenge who he leaves them with. A court order prevents me changing contact arrangements. If he chooses to abdicate his responsibilities to his partner that is not the same thing as me choosing to rely on his partner to care for my children. Not by a long shot.

And even if I did, that still wouldn't give the step mum any legal right to a say in my child's education.

HoorayforBoobies How can it have absolutely nothing to do with the OP when the OP does several schools runs a week? Do you really think it is okay for the parents to use the OP to help care for their daughter and for her to have NO input? Take take take. No nice at all.

"but when she goes to secondary school, we want to send her to the private school near us"

Is it not up to her parents to choose which school she goes to?

It does sound like you may be crossing a line and, even if he would like her to go to a private school, her father should still share the decision making of which private school (if at all) with her mother ... not with you.

Lots of good reasons above - money, distance, culture, power dynamics.

And in addition: it's quite hard to say you are against private school to someone who is invested in it. You don't expect them to understand because the elitism it sustains is something you are part of. This is a tricky problem and I hope you don't dismiss the mother's convictions - if, indeed she has them.

The recipe for split-family harmony comes from trying to understand each other, not control each other.

ohreallyohreallyoh

This situation doesn't really match your own, however, using your logic it is the mother that is at times abdicating her responsibilities to a degree by asking her ex and his wife to care for her daughter during her contact time.

In terms of legal rights I would imagine it is solely the parents decision where the send the daughter. However, some people are suggesting it is none of the step mother's business, which is unfair if both the child's parents rely upon her to take a caring role for the child.

Regardless, the post was simply looking for insight and advice on why the mother might not want her daughter to go to a private school. The OP is asking this because the mother has expressed she is not keen on the idea without offering an explanation which isn't helpful.

Think your partner, her mum and child need to discuss this lots. She's nine. Private is often not better than state. Mine have thrived in local comp. Mile walk/bus from home. They are adults now. Still close to their local friends when home. All working/studying successfully.

It is none of the step mother's business. If the decision ended up in court, the step mother is not going to be allowed to present her case, nor is a judge going to agree that what is best for the step mother is the way forwards. There is no abdication of responsibility on the part of the mother - her child is with an equal parent. She has no right to influence how that time is spent. She is still the child's parent and still has a right to an equal say in the school her child attends, regardless of how much or little time she may spend with her child. She certainly doesn't have to discuss this with the OP. Nor would a judge expect her to discuss this with the OP.

It is very clear from what has been said by the OP that as far as she is concerned, this is the right decision for her. All well and good. But it's not her decision. I struggle to see what is so hard about that.

she has been a bit 'disengaged' with most things DSD over the years. Big decisions have tended to be left up to us for her convenience.

We all maintain the pretence that things are 50:50 and the request for us to have her this weekend even though it's her weekend (again) is a one-off.

I'll be doing all the pick ups, drop offs, homework, sports equipment, trip admin, for all the time that DSD is at home with us. How is that not involved?

Mum disengages, repeatedly requests Op's family take the child extra days, and 'leaves big decisions to them by default. This puts Op in a very different position than stepmum to an actively parented child. Of course she feels more involved. She IS, in reality, more involved.

It's wrong to railroad the mum, but it's also wrong not to acknowledge the role that stepmum has stepped up to fulfill in the child's life.

"Perhaps that's the way forward - go to an open day together."

That sounds like a good idea, if ... as I'm guessing ... that you mean your step-daughter's mother and father should go to an open day together (if they have the sort of relationship where they can comfortably spend a day together).

Your DH could ask her to come simply to have a look and to open up the discussion, between them, of what would be the right sort of school for their daughter (private or state, that private school or a different one, and so on).

Also, if they could open up discussion in this way, have a look and agreed a way forward, they could then also talk about the best time to make the change from state to private education.
The best time would not necessarily be when she goes up to secondary education. Many private schools feel that it's better to have a year or two of prep school, before moving up to secondary ... and that starting (at a prep school) at age 10 (when the serious work to prepare for moving up to senior school really begins) might be a better way to do it.
In fact, it may be that such an idea would allay a lot of her mother's concerns.

The step mother isn't trying to decide what is best for herself, she is simply trying to understand why the mother doesn't seem keen on the idea of a private school. She asking that mainly on the behalf of her husband, who doesn't come on Mumsnet, because the mother didn't give any explanation which makes discussion difficult. The OP asking for advise and insight, I didn't get the impression that the next stop was the courts!

@eveforever The OP is closely involved with the child and regularly takes her to school. If the mother has a problem with that arrangement it is curious she doesn't stick to the custody agreement. . The OP is closely involved with the child and regularly takes her to school. If the mother has a problem with that arrangement it is curious she doesn't stick to the custody agreement.

Maybe she doesn't have the choice of being a Sahm or working less. Unlike the OP who is a Sahm.

I'm going on what the OP said, which is all we can do. OP said sometimes the have the child during the mother's contact time because of the mother's work and I sympathise that she has to lose time with her daughter in this instance. However, OP also said they were asked to look after the daughter when the mother wanted her weekends free for personal reasons, which suggests this is by choice, not necessity.