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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Private school and step child - who is BU?

257 replies

ChewyBricks · 14/09/2017 11:47

DH and I have DTSs aged 3 and we also have DSD (DH's DD) who is 9. DSD lives with us half the time.

We are in the very fortunate position that we can afford to pay for all the DCs to go to private school. At the moment DSD goes to a state primary near her mum's house (about 30 mins away from where we live) but when she goes to secondary school, we want to send her to the private school near us, as we will also do the same for our boys when they start school.

The problem is DSD's mum doesn't want her to go. We've said we'll cover the fees and she doesn't have to contribute anything, but she's making all sorts of 'not sure' and 'I'm not keen' noises, but hasn't really articulated why, or given a sold reason why not. I know some people are vehemently against private schools (I don't really want to start a debate long those lines!) but if she has any strong moral or political objection, she hasn't said so. The school is in between both our houses, so distance isn't an issue. We can all drive, have cars, etc.

I'm not sure how to move the discussion forward. We want DSD to have the same opportunities as the twins. And it doesn't seem fair to just send the boys private and not DSD when we can afford it.

OP posts:
Bananasinpyjamas11 · 15/09/2017 17:16

OP I'm urging you not to write off what I am saying so quickly. I am a SM, I am not advocating not being in your step children's life. Or advocating stepping out of your step child's life, or every day decisions, or parenting. You sound like you are doing a great job! Your step child sounds very lucky in that way.

I am urging you to not put the mother down and taking on an equal role with your DH for BIG decisions about children. That includes major decisions about education and healthcare. It doesn't mean you don't have a valid opinion. Or that you don't care. Or that you don't have valuable input.

It's just there were two red flags for me - talking to your DSD and criticising the mother.

laureywilliams · 15/09/2017 17:45

My DH and his ex have secret conversations that I'm not involved in and they come back and tell me what's expected of me with regards to DSD's care? Fuck that

Yes! I think that's what they do because they are her parents. Not you. So they get to decide. Even if you disagree. Harsh but they are.

By the way I'd also think "Fuck that". Very difficult situation for you. But that's the nature of 'blended' families.

Maireadplastic · 15/09/2017 17:49

In her position, I'd be worried about money and control issues. You must be able to see that.

Kardashianlove · 15/09/2017 17:54

My DH and his ex have secret conversations that I'm not involved in and they come back and tell me what's expected of me with regards to DSD's care?
Yes. Well not 'secret' conversations but I would expect DH and his DDs mum to have a conversation discussing her education, visit the schools together.

At what point do they bring me in on the decision Once they have decided which school they feel is most suitable. Obviously, I would expect DH to maybe ask your opinion but I wouldn't expect you to have a say in the decision.

If you and DH separated, would you honestly expect his new partner to be involved in choosing a school for your DSs?
Or would it be something you felt you and DH were best to decide on together?

You sound like a lovely step mum and obviously want what's best for your DSD but this is up to DH to discuss with his ex and try to reach an agreement between them.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 15/09/2017 18:05

In all seriousness, why do you think you have a say in this child's education?

AJPTaylor · 15/09/2017 18:10

Does she have any half siblings with mum?

maudeismyfavouritepony · 15/09/2017 18:17

Maybe she's worried she won't 'fit in' with the other parents and has nothing in common with them and won't be part of the school community on her own terms.

Maybe she's worried her daughter will be in another social class to her and will always be in an unequal footing. It might be had raising issues with the teaching staff if she isn't paying the bills and she worries the staff will know that

Maybe she feels this is a decision out of her hands and she is being made to feel grateful for 'private school' when the local school is her preferred choice.

Don't presume because you have the money to do something other people have to fall at your feet with gratitude.

maudeismyfavouritepony · 15/09/2017 18:19

My DH and his ex have secret conversations that I'm not involved in and they come back and tell me what's expected of me with regards to DSD's care? Fuck that.

Jesus. Yes, because you are a step-parent, not the parent.

cherish123 · 15/09/2017 18:21

Maybe her mum doesn't want it all paid -maybe she wants to pay half but can't afford it. I can't see why she would have any objection to her going. I would stay out of it and leave it for your DH and his ex to sort out.

KnowsStuff · 15/09/2017 18:22

There is no question (Not enough space here to list all the supporting evidence) that children have increased opportunities in private education. Reassure her she will be involved in any decisions. However, if necessary just ignore any objections. It is selfish to deny children equal and increased opportunities as her siblings. Worry about funds falling through if it happens (which would be very unlucky). Some time at a private school is better than none.

user1483875094 · 15/09/2017 18:22

I think you are coming across a bit bullyish... as in you and your partner get to make all the choices. I am appalled that you have discussed this with a nine year old, when you already knew her mother had reservations. I think you have an ulterior motive going on here, not generosity. Generosity of spirit is so very much move valuable than generosity with a few £'s.... there can be hundreds of very complicated reasons why mum has reservations and I can't believe that you feel you can discuss these matters with such a young child behind mums' back.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 15/09/2017 18:36

Give up OP. Really do because you know whatever you say will be twisted around because as a SM you have to be wrong!

If people actually read what the OP has wrote that would help.

This has just come up in conversations because the child has a friend whose sibling goes there and because they drive past. The OP and dad have not sat down and told the child that decisions have to be made now.

The OP and Dad have at least 50% care.

The twins are not going to the same school - this is a possible school for the child that might suit her.

OP - it is a nice thought and likely to give your sd more opportunity in life. I hope it works out.

SallyForthSunshine · 15/09/2017 18:37

Best thing to do is suggest going to an open day with her mother, emphasize the approaching deadlines and ask her to be clear about her objections.

I can only guess at her thoughts, but a lot of people are doing that on this thread so I'll have a bash too - I think she'll be worried that her dd will become a snob/superior if she goes to private school and the local comp will be good enough for her.

Eveforever · 15/09/2017 18:39

I think some people are being hard on you. No, you're not her biological parent, but it sounds like you do a lot for your DSD (with the full knowledge of her mother!) and you are simply trying to do your best for her (in conjunction with her dad!) and people are misconstruing that as you being controlling. I wish my ex was as thoughtful as you seem to be!

How are relations between you and DSD's mother? Do you ever talk to her yourself, or is it more of a stilted relationship?

FaveNumberIs2 · 15/09/2017 18:49

Maybe she feels that you, as the stepmother, are stepping on her ties and taking what is essentially a mother's decision, away from her.

Do you not think she probably feels pretty shit about not being able to send her daughter there herself rather than relying on you and her ex?

Some people would feel like you are rubbing her nose in it.

Also, has anyone asked the child what SHE wants to do? And just remember that the child will probably give all three of you a different answer!

TheGoodEnoughWife · 15/09/2017 18:54

No, apparently mentioning it to child is very wrong and makes the OP a terrible person .... or the child should be spoken to and her opinion sort - I get confused because people are jumping on the OP so much they will say anything!

nonamesleftatall · 15/09/2017 18:54

I think actually you aren't getting a bit of a hard time. The fact you are considering what if fair and want to treat your DSD the same as your biological children is quite heart warming. I do think in a general sense private education is broadly better and does open more doors.

That being said I was privately educated at the cost of my Father and lived in a council house with my Mum and that was tough. My Dad did the making me jump through hoops and I wasn't really the same as the other kids as my home life wasn't a wealthy one. That being said my son goes to a private schooo as I felt the benefits of me going outweigh the harder bits. I do have the benefit of having been through it to know what I need to do now to make it work for him (as we are no mega wealthy just work hard and save).

I can understand her mums concerns about being pushed out, worrying if you and your husband split who will pay for it and potentially if she has another child and can't send them or the distance to and from school each day. That being said you can't spend life worrying about may happen and if it's a good school I would do my best to involve her and stick to your guns on this one.

nonamesleftatall · 15/09/2017 18:55

I meant to say are getting a hard time and you shouldn't be!

Lovingit81 · 15/09/2017 19:07

I think you sound a bit much if I'm honest. Of course you have a say but not a big one as you are not the parent! Maybe the attitude that you have rights over this child is why the mother is so reticent to talk to you about it. I'm sure it's very hard and I feel for everyone involved but let the mother and father decide and involve you on the side. Sorry but that's the way it is!

Glitterbug76 · 15/09/2017 19:10

Just a thought but my freind has the money to send her son to private school but she said their is no point her sons not academic and she would rather him do a job he wants is happy and give him the money towards a house. My sister went a local comp and got some of the highest exam results in her school, some of our high schools have better if not the same results of our local school.

Glitterbug76 · 15/09/2017 19:11

Sorry meant local private school

2rebecca · 15/09/2017 19:12

I think as a step parent you do have to step back and let the parents make the decisions. It isn't about secret conversations it's about the people with parental responsibility trying to work together for their kids not splitting in to camps.
I didn't go to my step kids parent evenings and discuss schools with my husbands ex. My husband and I did discuss stuff but he didn't talk abou "we" to his ex as it would have pissed her off and not helped them come to a mutual decision. You have to put the child first not your ego. She isn't your child. Step parenting is different. My husband didn't get involved in school decisions for my kids. My ex and I looked at the schools together. Thankfully my husband didn't see these as secret assignations just boring visits to schools.

Original poster
ChewyBricks · 15/09/2017 19:12

If you and DH separated, would you honestly expect his new partner to be involved in choosing a school for your DSs?

If she was doing half of all the running around then, yes, I'd expect her opinion to factor in the overall decision.

I wouldn't expect to make a unilateral decision that affected someone else's family life and their weekly schedule without their input.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChewyBricks · 15/09/2017 19:18

I can't believe that you feel you can discuss these matters with such a young child behind mums' back

I haven't Confused

OP posts:
thisgirlrides · 15/09/2017 19:23

I think DH and ex need to go and have a look at the school together, alone, and have a frank conversations about some of the potential issues flagged on here including long-term funding of fees, school extracurricular costs, uniform, trips,etc and then agree whether it's suitable for dd. If they go for it, then they can tell dsd. I think you sound far too involved and can see why ex is digging her heels in.

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