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Original poster

About people who are single and just stay that way?

240 replies

athensrose · 14/09/2017 08:41

I am married. I suppose like all marriages it isn't without problems. Sometimes the problems feel insurmountable.

Being realistic here, I am a woman in her 30s who being brutally honest could best be considered a bit dumpy and ordinary looking. I have children. I don't have much of a life outside of them. I have nothing to offer a relationship.

I was idly wondering yesterday about what might happen if we did split. I don't doubt he would be in a new relationship within six months, more likely six weeks. Meanwhile, I would only attract someone seriously desperate.

And anyway - to get to the point of this ramble! - I don't know anybody who is single and has stayed that way. I don't know anybody who has just stayed on their own for several decades (I'm not talking about a couple of years interspersed with dates) and all my friends are married.

Is being single long term actually a 'thing'? Am I just not looking in the right places?

OP posts:
Threehoursfromhome · 14/09/2017 21:21

2 Nun

3 Bluestocking

GoingTo · 14/09/2017 21:26

Yes I did think of nun but there are so few nuns these days.

Bluestocking - well - you can have an education and be married these days. But there may be a certain residual how-shall-we-say 'antipathy' to domestic life that usually increase with marriage and children.

How about 'free spirit' as another one?

Sienna333 · 14/09/2017 21:31

It's disgusting that a female can only be viewed as a role model if she is in a couple. That is pure insanity

GoingTo · 14/09/2017 21:32

p.s. am liking MrsJamesAspey's attitood Smile.

phoenix1973 · 14/09/2017 21:35

If i split up with my partner of 21 years i know i will not have another relationship. Im fat and suffer with depression and anxiety plus aspergers and the associated social awkwardness.
On the plus side, im pretty and can sing and play guitar hero brilliantly! 🤣🤣🤣

Dafspunk · 14/09/2017 21:37

I'm very open about the fact that if I wasn't with the other half, I'd be single and stay single. I feel qualified to say this with confidence because we frequently spend long periods apart on different continents so while I am in a relationship in theory, I'm very familiar with the single life in practise.

Having written this, I've just realised that it's not really what you were asking but I'll stick it out there anyway.

Barbaradidit · 14/09/2017 21:37

Single for a good number of years now.

No desire to ever share my life or home with another man. I have a brilliant social life, affection from my children, a career and can literally pull a one night stand in about 30 mins (one of the only pros about being a woman)

Why the fuck would I give that away!

Glitterbug76 · 14/09/2017 21:40

I've got lots of friends who are single mums got a job their happy with
Good social lives and say they are really happy and they are , some have not dated some have and said it's to much like hard work.

SabineUndine · 14/09/2017 21:44

I'm long term single by choice. The brutal truth is men don't find me attractive so I've never been confident with them and that's that. I'm now middle-aged and tbh, I would not take the risk of a relationship and the emotional and financial risks that would bring.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 14/09/2017 21:45

I've been single for 4 years after 2 long term relationships (including one broken engagement).

I'm 34 now. I'm currently typing this in my own very cosy, clean flat with my cat on my lap. I have a career, family, friends, hobbies and a wide selection of vibrators.

It would have to be Prince Charming himself who would persuade me to put up with: mess/noise/smell/broken sleep/in-laws etc. Even then, I'd probably only want a shag or a gentleman-caller sort of arrangement. You know, nice walks and the theatre and stuff. Would I live with a man again? Would I fuck! (I'm lucky in that I've never wanted children so I have never had a ticking clock sort of worry).

There are worse things than being single, OP. It's almost like I wanted a DH for so long that I forgot why and then realised that actually, I just thought I wanted one. Kind of a case of "be careful what you wish for".

I believe being single (and childfree ;-p ) is one of the best-kept secrets for happiness...

Eolian · 14/09/2017 21:45

I'm happily married but I don't think I'd want another relationship if mine ended - partly because of all the horror stories on MN about awful men. And partly because I just couldn't be arsed tbh. I didn't meet dh until I was 29, and I had a relationship at university. Other than that I was single (not for want of offers). I'd rather be single than be with almost any man, and I never saw the point of being in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship.

cardibach · 14/09/2017 21:47

I have been single for 20 years. No FWB either. I wouldn't rule out a relationship, but I'm not actively looking. I'm very happy.

MrsJamesAspey · 14/09/2017 21:47

It's not perfect, but it's still 10000 times better than being on my own imo - more income, bigger house, someone to share the workload with, someone to talk to when I get home, someone to be a "plus one" without worrying about what excuse I will make for not having a boyfriend this time.

Shock for me not one of those, is a good reason for being with someone.

It's not about finding someone you can live with, its about finding the one you can't live without.

Trills · 14/09/2017 21:51

Being single is not for everyone.

I much prefer it to being with someone who I only slightly liked.

But if you find yourself making excuses for not having a boyfriend and think that's a big problem, I guess it's not for you.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 14/09/2017 21:59

I'm going on holiday to Las Vegas next month.
Alone.
And I don't consider that weird at all. I have a full itinerary and im sure I can make friends if I want when I'm there! I don't need any passengers slowing me down on my trip of a lifetime!

MrsJamesAspey · 14/09/2017 22:00

During my 10 years of being single I was frequently asked "but why is someone like you on your own" the first few times I didn't have an answer, but then realised I should be honest so after that I replied with "because there's so much more going on in my life than men and their cocks Grin

And in answer to pp I was celibate, couldn't be arsed with fuck buddies either despite some charming offers Hmm

Tobythecat · 14/09/2017 22:02

I don't like men, well the majority of them anyway. Out of all the men I've ever known of from family, friends, in general, they are all awful, with huge ego's, controlling, cheaters, drink/drug problems. No thanks.

In previous generations men were more likely to be respectful towards women, and to just be decent, good family men. Nowadays, everyone seems so shallow and materialistic - everything is disposable, nothing is special anymore.

I have never fitted society's expectations- I have mild autism and have never had a relationship or had sex, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. I won't put up with most men and their shit and I refuse to settle, so I'm quite content being single. As for children, I think they are overrated - most turn out to be disappointments as they become older.

EBearhug · 14/09/2017 22:03

I've been single for abut 9 million years or thereabouts.

It gets better as you get oder - now we're mid-40s, it's easier for the people I was at school with to socialise again, but for about a decade of babies and toddlers, contact with some people was low because it was difficult with my work patterns not matching their parenting patterns.

If I didn't do things alone, I just wouldn't have done most of the things I've done. I've travelled half the world alone. There are loads of holidays for people on their own - I have been on yoga retreats (hich I know wouldn't suit everyone), and I have done quite a few city breaks where I get to go to the museums and so on that I want to see. I'm currently in a holiday cottage with someone from work and his friend, and there is absolutely nothing romantic about it, but we were all interested in seeing the same area.

I've eaten in lots of restaurants on my own (including more than one where I got a seat, but couples were being turned away.) I go to the cinema on my own and the theatre and all sorts.

I work full-time and do on-call, as well as yoga, swimming and language classes. I don't really have time for dating. There have been times when I've felt lonely, but now I get more opportunities to meet up with long-term friends, that's not been an issue for a while. Most of the time, life is quite good.

IrritatedUser1960 · 14/09/2017 22:03

Yes me, I was single for 20 years between marriages and am single again at 55. I have absolutely no interest in another relationship even though I've had plenty of offers. I've always preferred living alone. i have friends, interests, men add nothing to my life.

IrritatedUser1960 · 14/09/2017 22:04

I don't like men either Tobythecat, I think my life would be better if I was a lesbian. Unfortunately I am 100% straight.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 14/09/2017 22:09

Being single is fantastic! I was for many year and loved it, I turned down three proposals until marriage to my DH at 36, I am very happy but if any thing happened between us I am pretty sure that I would never re marry. I think op you have insecurity issues, learn to love you, your DC do don't worry about what might be. Best wishes x

LonginesPrime · 14/09/2017 22:10

if you find yourself making excuses for not having a boyfriend and think that's a big problem, I guess it's not for you

^ This.

Occasionally people I meet ask if I have a partner (or sometimes assume that I do, and I have to set them straight), but it's never occurred to me to feel inadequate about it. It's just a fact, like 'oh, I live in London' or 'I'm not keen on swimming'.

Also, people who know me know I'd be really offended if they suggested that being coupled up was 'the norm' and that I was waiting for someone to come along. Sure, sometimes friends ask me for my dating stories because they're way more exciting than their date nights with their OHs, but it's never felt like an issue that I'm single.

Sienna333 · 14/09/2017 22:17

See people always assume I am single which is....weird. I mean I am, but for people to assume that about me right away is odd.
I am surprised, pleasantly, by this thread. My friend always feels like an oddity for never having had a relationship (She is 33) but there are similar women here too and for many like her getting married and having babies is just not a priority. It's good to see women happy in their own skin doing their own thing without conforming to society expectations

EllaEllaE · 14/09/2017 22:28

Hah! I was single for a very long time through my 20s and 30s. I noticed with a certain group of friends I hung out with around then, that as they got married themselves they stopped inviting me over to social events that were otherwise only other couples. When I did see them, they seemed kind of uncomfortable having me there. I joked at the time that I messed up the seating plan at their dinner parties, but I think it was something more subtle and unconscious than that. I'm really not sure. The thing that was weird/unsettling was that, as soon as I was in a couple, they were super excited and wanted to see me (and my new DP) again. I really don't think they realized they were doing it at all.

It made me feel pretty unhappy at the time. But in retrospect I realized that that circle of friends were also the kind of people who only ever socialized in couples. None of them had friends of their own that they went out with, away from their partner. If one of the couple didn't want to go out, neither of them did.

Many years later, I'm no longer single! But my DP and I both have our own circles of friends as well as our friends in common. We also know lots of people who are both couples and long term singles. Having been single a long time and experienced the 'social pariah' aspect of it, I try to be very conscious of not making my entire social life couple-based -- and to make sure my DP and I can socalize either together or apart!

Which is all to say: if you don't know any single people it may be that (unconsciously) the way you yourself socialize and treat potential new friends makes single people feel not welcome to your circle. Not that single people are some weird exotic species...

5rivers7hills · 14/09/2017 22:50

There is also an economic advantage to being with a partner - two bed flats don't cost twice as much as one beds, internet, TV, gas and electricity and water don't cost any more / much more for 2 than for 1. Holidays for two are cheaper PP than for one. It's less wasteful/easier to cook for 2 than for 1. Etc.

Its easier to be happily single if you have a decent salary and can afford to do 'fun' things with your time.