About people who are single and just stay that way?

[athensrose]

I am married. I suppose like all marriages it isn't without problems. Sometimes the problems feel insurmountable.

Being realistic here, I am a woman in her 30s who being brutally honest could best be considered a bit dumpy and ordinary looking. I have children. I don't have much of a life outside of them. I have nothing to offer a relationship.

I was idly wondering yesterday about what might happen if we did split. I don't doubt he would be in a new relationship within six months, more likely six weeks. Meanwhile, I would only attract someone seriously desperate.

And anyway - to get to the point of this ramble! - I don't know anybody who is single and has stayed that way. I don't know anybody who has just stayed on their own for several decades (I'm not talking about a couple of years interspersed with dates) and all my friends are married.

Is being single long term actually a 'thing'? Am I just not looking in the right places?

I'm long term single. I split with my ex DH nearly 10 years ago now. I have a DS (4) and a couple of very short relationships (I'm talking weeks), but I think I'm now far too selfish to be with someone and I'm just not prepared to compromise.

I'm very happy in my own company and I don't feel the need to be with anyone.

The only thing I struggle with is the fact that my DS has no male role model in his life. But I still think its better to have no role model than to have a bad one and I work very hard to try and be both mummy and daddy to him as best I can.

However, in some kind of weird way I enjoyed my looks more and spent more time developing my style and having fun with it. I didn't have to think "is this attractive?"

Yes exactly! It's not that I don't bother - it's just more free and fun. It's easier to do "man-repeller" style if you feel like it. You can take risks - dye your hair, if it doesn't work out well hey ho.

Ex used to have a way of letting me know he didn't like an outfit without actually saying so. I don't know why I cared, but it dragged me down.

It's just one aspect of being happily single but seems to sum it up in a way. It's about just being free to be who you are, and listen to yourself. Of course in a good, strong relationship people feel free to be themselves, but if you haven't had that, being single is liberating.

I'm 33 and single after a long term EA relationship. At the moment, being single suits me as I have a lot to learn about healthy relationships and I want to break the cycle of attracting more EA losers. One of my closest friends is married but I know she is unhappy as her dh is controlling but can't make the break yet.

Widowed 16 years no desire for a new relationship at all. I like living on my own and doing what I please, not having to share my space with someone else. Cats are much less trouble than husbands/partners

I'm late 30's and I've been single for 10 happy years, I have 2 children by a donor. It's not that I wouldn't have a relationship but I'm not looking for one and it isn't a condition of my happiness. I have had sex a few times within that period but no relationship. I have been in 2 abusive relationships in my 20's and now my standards are very high in what a person needs to be in order for me to want to get involved. I have family nearby and my Dad is a big part of my kids life and upbringing so they have everything they could possibly need, as do I!

Goodness me OP, the way you talk about yourself

Even from that short post I can tell that you're intelligent, which is what a lot of people have top of their list when looking for someone to date. I've no doubt you have a whole host of other attributes which I can't gleen from what you've written.

Ordinary looking becomes gorgeous if it's the right person anyway.

Please be nicer to yourself!

Look, I really do recognise and appreciate that people are trying to be kind here.

However, let me put it this way. If I only got a grade F in Maths GCSE it would not be putting myself down to say that I was not very good at maths, would It?

Now, looks wise, I am significantly overweight. I am trying hard to lose it and have lost just over a stone but there's a long way to go and even then being frank I am pretty ordinary. I do not work, this was originally due to children but despite applying for everything I hear nothing back. Like I say I would not date me, that's the brutal truth. If a man messaged me and he was fat and short and plain and unemployed I would not be thinking ooh, I'll give him a shot, I'd be thinking no way!

Mother your honesty is appreciated and I think you're right.

I don't have kids (by choice) but am in a long term relationship. I've been away by myself twice in the last couple of years and the year before that met up with a friend in Asia for a holiday. It's not true that people in relationships only want to do stuff with their partner or with other couples.

What's interesting for me is that the friends I have from school and uni are all married and almost all have kids. Those that don't are trying. The friends I made as an adult, if you like, are very different and much more like me - they are all child free, love travel (and actually do it), they just have a different outlook on life. I met them when I moved overseas, away from my school and uni friends. Had I never moved away I would probably also have felt that pretty much everyone was coupled up and had kids and that was just how it was. I adore my school and uni friends, they are wonderful people and every bit as important to me as my other friends but I don't tend to click much with new people I meet who are focused on the traditional family set up. Which is a shame because I don't currently meet many who aren't focused on that model (relocated to a new area and have a shift based job).

OP, you might not meet anyone if you split with your DH. You might. You might find it very strange being single, you might love it. Who knows. But you sound pretty unhappy at the moment. You don't have to leave your husband but maybe you could do with doing some stuff for you, just you, occasionally? Hobbies, exercise, study, work, whatever.

It's not that I wouldn't have a relationship but I'm not looking for one and it isn't a condition of my happiness

yes this x's 1000!

DS1 is 27 and has never been in a relationship. I think he has too much going on in his life, and thinks that he'd be too much for anyone to take on emotionally.

Fair enough athensrose but I think you are conflating two things here, the first is that you believe that if you became single you are not attractive enough to find another relationship. None of us can comment on that, as we don't know you.

The second is that you do not think there is a group filled with confident chattering single women anywhere. Not just in your social circles, but anywhere. And there are, definitely. They might be on average older than you and divorced with grown up kids, they might tend to congregate around Universities, but there are groups like this. I know that for a fact.

I fully accept that not every single person is happy single. But some posters on this thread seem to be going to the opposite extreme and suggesting that no single person is happy single. The truth is somewhere in the middle. Where each individual sits on that spectrum is down to personal history, social circumstances, innate preferences and importantly, financial security.

Not really. I accept the people on this thread are happy single but I also don't think this is the default as some have suggested it is.

I love being single and hate the message we get that we must be coupled up if we want to feel worthy. It's ridiculous.
Having said that about 98% of the people I know are married and/or have kids. Only my aunt who is in her fifties (Been single for 20 years) and my female friend who is 33, never kissed a guy and always been single are the ones I know in my circle. And no, neither of them are ugly, in fact, they are both very attractive. My aunt is desperate for a partner and that desperation puts men off but my friend isn't looking at all. She doesn't want kids and has a full and happy life. Only thing that upsets her is some of the comments people make about spinsters and what have you.

I suppose the question is whether some people are naturally better than others at being single (and there's not much you can do if you're not one of them) or whether it's a set of skills/habits that you can learn.

I'd like to think it's the second, but I don't honestly know.

My dfs uncles were bachelors. My uncle was a bachelor, and my brother is one at 44. All long term singles, never heard about girlfriends as such, just happy in their own skin 🤷🏼‍♀️

athens " accept the people on this thread are happy single but I also don't think this is the default as some have suggested it is."

hard to scrolll back on phone but I don't think anyone said it was a default?

Some people are happy single
Some people are not
Some people dance cheek to cheek
(Some people have still have Belouis Some on their ipods)

But I suspect this whole thread is a smokescreen for other things that are troubling you so I will toddle off to work and wish you all the best

I have read the whole thread and a lot of women ARE content being single. Sorry if that concerns you but we don't all feel the need to be coupled up so we feel 'complete. '

You can go for meals and holidays alone you know!

Or you could go with someone you're not shagging! I don't tend to eat in restaurants alone because I go there with my friends or kids. Ditto holidays.

OP, I think it's easy to assume you're living the best life you could possibly live given the circumstances (overweight, attractiveness, age, etc). It's also perfectly possible not make the changes to your life that you think might improve it because you don't have a cast-iron guarantee that things would definitely be better.

But there's no one formula for happiness and no right answer for how to live life. Everyone's different and you have to work out what you think is best for you at any given time. I think you could waste a lot of time trying to figure out the right answer and might look back in a few years and realise you could have made changes sooner.

You might not meet anyone else. You might meet someone who turns out to be really shitty. You might meet your dream partner. Or you might still be here in five years time asking other people about their happy lives and worrying about your weight.

I'm retired, single, lived on my own for decades after a couple of long term relationships when younger, mainly ended because I was not able to have children. I am happy on my own, could not contemplate having a man living in my home, am and never have been lonely.

I'm 31, single and never been in a relationship during my Adult life.
I'm happy being single most of the time but do have the odd time where I wish I was with someone, mostly due to the fact that all of my closest friends coupled up and now its a struggle to see any of them as they either want to spend time together or with other couples.
I only have myself to blame really as I don't actively go looking for a partner and internet dating doesnt interest me (more worried about disappointing the other person than me being disappointed by them).
Also recently I've known 3 people get married and then separated within a few years, the last one being a very messy separation involving a baby and a house. So doesn't fill me with a lot of confidence.
I also have a couple of mates, who jump from relationship to relationship but never seem happy.
Who knows, maybe one day I find someone.

OP, what's coming out for me in your posts is that you're very isolated, even in a relationship. I am married and most of my local friends are too. I have some longer-term friends who don't live nearby who are single. But, I think what's very different between your life and mine, is that I still see these friends all the time. My social life does not rely on my marriage. The opposite in fact. DH and I have very different social lives. Partly, that's because of children - we don't have a lot of money for babysitters so its easier for me to go have dinner with a girlfriend one night and him to go see a gig with a friend another. But it's also the nature of our respective personalities - both of us are quite happy to be alone and to do things separately. He's been away for weekend with friends, as have I. And I'm currently planning a week away with a group of women made up of some married, some single, some with children, some without.

If we weren't together for some reason, I think whether or not I got into another relationship, I'd carry on seeing married and unmarried friends. Logistics might be more complicated if DH wasn't at home to look after DC when I was out, but otherwise, my social life would probably be quite similar. Fewer family events where we go to his friends as a family perhaps, but otherwise, not.

Reading your posts, it strikes me that relationship or not, you really need a broader social circle. Is it possible to meet married female friends alone without your respective DHs?

a damaging relationship is probably worse than being single
Probably worse?

It isn't a competition. I can't think of any other context in which this happens.

Just wanted to chime in to say that if my husband passed away or we split up I would have no interest in another relationship. Before I met him I was happily single and I know many of my friends who are honest with me and tell me they are perfectly content. I believe single people (especially women) are often happier than people in relationships overall.