About people who are single and just stay that way?

[athensrose]

I am married. I suppose like all marriages it isn't without problems. Sometimes the problems feel insurmountable.

Being realistic here, I am a woman in her 30s who being brutally honest could best be considered a bit dumpy and ordinary looking. I have children. I don't have much of a life outside of them. I have nothing to offer a relationship.

I was idly wondering yesterday about what might happen if we did split. I don't doubt he would be in a new relationship within six months, more likely six weeks. Meanwhile, I would only attract someone seriously desperate.

And anyway - to get to the point of this ramble! - I don't know anybody who is single and has stayed that way. I don't know anybody who has just stayed on their own for several decades (I'm not talking about a couple of years interspersed with dates) and all my friends are married.

Is being single long term actually a 'thing'? Am I just not looking in the right places?

I'm like this and have several friends who are too. I think most of us have friends who are similar to us, so perhaps unsurprising that you don't know anyone who falls into this category.

I was single till I was 40 something.

It didn't bother me. In fact I was quite proud of myself for getting on so well in life without needing anyone else. I did (and still do) have concerns about people who jump from relationship to relationship as they are too scared to be single.

Now shacked up in a relationship that came totally out of the blue and I wasn't looking (didn't realise I was even being courted for a long time!). I still do have moments where I get surprisingly angry for him doing something for me, as I don't need "mothering" and I kick back against it.

But to answer your question, yes I was quite prepared to live my life single, doing my thing. It was absolutely fine. if you are not happy where you are, do it.

Only me still single after divorce of my friends so certainly isn't inevitable I'm not actively looking but now the children are older I would have the time to date. But 10 years on my own I'm not sure I could imagine living with someone else again!

I really don't know anybody.

It is bizarre when I think about it. I know a handful of people who are divorced but all of them have a second relationship (or third, or fourth.)

I don't think I am doing myself a disservice at all. It's important to be realistic. I wouldn't want to date me, and so I'm not surprised that no one else would either!

The only singles I know are divorced with kids & looking for someone.

Some people don't want to be alone.

I can't see anything wrong with people wanting to though.

I'm happy with my life & my kids.

If my husband & I split now, I think that a new relationship wouldn't be important to me at all.

My ex broke my cheekbone, jawbone, ribs, knocked out a few teeth and left me for dead on the floor, only for my daughter to find me and have to ring 999 "I think my mummy is dead" she was 10

I am single now and have been since that day, I will never ever date again, I will never ever put myself in a position for a man to do that to me again, I'm not saying all men are bad and will hurt me, but out of the 2 long term relationships I've had, both men have, I'm not stupid enough to put myself through it a 3rd time. Apart from the pain I am in daily thanks to these men I quite like my life

I have every intention of growing old to be a mad cat lady .. the only flaw in that plan is I don't particularly like cats but hey ho

athens are you wanting to meet real life examples before taking the leap?

I'm 41 but in my 30s most people I knew were coupled up or seeking to be.

Same diddl but then I suppose the reality of it hits.

Skint, lonely, lonely, skint. Bad combination. Maybe it's different if family are nearby.

I think it depends on your lifestyle. If you are married with young children and aren't working, most of your friends are likely to be parents and will be or will have been in some kind of relationship.

Most of my friends are married/have been married, but I do know some long term single people through work. I have no idea why they are single because it isn't any of my business and I haven't asked.

I'm 40,have been single for 5 years now and I have no desire to get into another relationship whatsoever. I don't think I could handle living with anyone again.

I don't think I'm bad looking (I've certainly had offers!), my body looks almost the same as it did pre-kids , but no, just no...

I actually find it really annoying that every book, newspaper or tv show I see gives the impression that absolutely everyone wishes to be in a romantic relationship. It makes people feel like they are somehow a failure if they aren't seeing someone, as all everyone wants in the end is to fall in love and settle down. A lot of people end up very distressed about this as they feel that their value is based on whether they are single or not. Well not my value! I've noticed people find my view quite shocking - the number of friends and family who tried to persuade me into dating again after a few months surprised me. They all assure me I'll change my mind, maybe I will one day I suppose but I don't see it happening.

My ex on the other hand was in a relationship within weeks of us splitting up and married within a year (with another child too). He would detest living alone. A lot of guys seem to view the determinedly single woman as a big challenge too. Very odd.

Long term single by choice. Its great to not have an adult baby to look after. I go home at night to a house just the way I left it, can relax without someone nagging me, watch what I like on TV, go to bed when I like. Oh and the whole bed to myself is delush. Going out when I want and doing what I want, because I am worth it. Will never go back to living with someone.
Hope it goes without saying that you need to actually enjoy your own company.

I think that we may have been separated at birth You took the words right out of my mouth.

I stayed single after I left my children's father. I might have considered someone who would have made an excellent stepfather to them, but never met such a person, though did have some fulfilling and worthwhile shorter and longer term relationships (not live in) on the way. I have never regretted my decision for one minute and lead a happy and busy life. I have a great regard for friends in long term happy and stable relationships, but I do not envy them at all... OTOH I know of others who are discontented and constrained by their partnerships/marriages and would not want that under any circumstances.

Sorry Dimples, that's awful.

OP, I've been single since leaving ex-DH 8 years ago. I sometimes get wistful and think it would be nice to have someone, but on the whole I like it. I've been raising dd and working and studying and doing stuff I like when I'm free and overall it's a satisfying life.

Dimple

Athens i know what you mean... Reading the comments, all I could think was 'Id never inflict myself on any man' - assuming their interest in the first place (non-existent)

Maybe future me will feel differently....

My mum's been single for about 20 years. She gets lots of people trying to set her up on dates but she isn't interested at all. She might meet someone someday, but equally she's happy enough with her own company. I do know sometimes she feels lonely or left out or worries about her old age but broadly, she would rather be single than in the wrong relationship and I really admire that.

You called?

Forty nine, single, no kids, never married. I've had a couple of live in relationships (god, what a pain!) and several boyfriends but never met anyone I wanted to spend serious time with since I turned 30.

I do enjoy being with men but the sacrifices you tend to have to make for a relationship to thrive just mean it's not been worth it for me (career, finances and health suffer mainly). I live in the Midlands though and the choices are dire here. Perhaps if I lived in London or the south, things would be different.

I'm fit, healthy, told I look at least a decade younger and enjoy a great social life, have a high paying career with flexible hours, own my own home, have 'men friends' and travel. I know lots of other long-term single women too in a similar position.

You probably don't know any single people because married women tend to run away from us screaming in case we steal their husbands (honestly, it's a thing) and men don't want us being a bad 'independent' influence on their wives (again, it's a thing).

By the way, if you're only in your 30s, there will be lots of men to choose from, probably in their 40s but still, you'll certainly have a choice although they may not want to settle down to a traditional 'coupled-up' life as they have the sweet shop known as 'on-line-dating' now. It's got to be better than being in a dead marriage though but then at least you'll meet loads of fabulous single women too!

You probably don't know any single people because married women tend to run away from us screaming in case we steal their husbands (honestly, it's a thing) and men don't want us being a bad 'independent' influence on their wives (again, it's a thing).

yes yes yes. they fail to realise that we probably dont think their partner is all that and would sooner stick pins in our eyes.

Thats probably why i lost all the friends (couples) in our split.... amazing how men will trust a single man more readily. drives me nuts.

Roomba - yes, one of my parents' friends, in her 70s, said to me that she thinks there's far more social pressure to couple up than when she was young and I think that's probably true. Firstly there was an element of single women in particular being seen as free, and then there weren't relentless dating adverts.

I do think men have lost the whole glamorous bachelor thing too - like they are commitmentphobes or freaks if they want to stay single. I've got one of these ridiculously good looking single man in his 50s stereotype friends - by which I mean he's gorgeous, rich, gets chatted up all the time and occasionally dates those women - usually in their 20s -for like 2 weeks or something. He's very clear that it's just a bit of fun. And he's heard "but you will wish you had settled down" for about 20 years now.

the funniest thing was when I was at his place - he lives in a really posh block in central London. We'd just entered the lobby and an estate agent was showing a couple round and saying "most people in this building are single or divorced... I don't know why that is, strange isn't it".

and I couldn't resist saying "dude, if I owned one of these flats, there's no way I'd risk someone else getting their hands on it". the EA and the couple looked rather alarmed

Dimples that's horrendous. Hope you're ok now and your DD of course!

DH went to a works evening do the other night, where there were loads of former colleagues. He said he was a bit at how many of the women were still resolutely single, 5/6 years after they'd left the company (they were all mid to late 30s). Whilst working there it was no surprise as it's a high-flying career in the City, but still years later, that surprised him.

I know a few long-term single women and they are all very very happy, even those that are open to getting married/having babies etc. They are still life to the max and enjoying it.

OP, I am in my mid-40s and although have had relationships in the past have always considered myself to be single rather than committed (I've certainly never been married) and that's the way it's gonna stay. I say this as a product of a throughly rotten marriage....still going strong after the best part of fifty years.

Looks have nothing to do with sustained attraction, it's about how open you are to a relationship. I look ultra-glamorous and younger than my years, and have no shortage of male interest. I wouldn't touch any with a bloody barge pole as DD comes first, middle and last. In fact as I am now middle aged, I am concerned that I am seen as a sitting target for predators that think I come from a privileged and wealthy background (nothing could be further from the truth, but I have recently realised that people consistently get this impression of me).

Pick you self-esteem out of the gutter and look in the mirror. You are worthy of love and the life you have, so don't even think that you're not. If circumstances were to change as per your scenario, not only would you survive but are likely to thrive.

12 years single here, aside from the odd FWB type situation of convenience (mine)

Lone parent with no family nearby, and it's obviously not high on my list of 'things to do'

Do you really know no-one op?

I know a lady in her eighties who has never even kissed a man, she is a great neighbour and really a wonderful person to know.. She still lives in the same house she moved in to when she was six with her parents. I also have a friend who after having her child has remained single, that child is now almost 19.

But having low self esteem will attract the wrong uns.

What you need to do is be single for a while and work on your self esteem. Work on your mind and your body. Plus I'm not suggesting a paid make over or anything but appraise your good bits. Everyone has something beautiful about them.

It's true about the confidence thing. My Mother gave us actual lessons on how to attract men. It's messed up I know. But she did say be confident always, make them think you are doing them a favour by even allowing them to speak to you. She always said women are better than men.

I would always say be single rather than in an unhappy relationship. I was deeply unhappy and seperated from my DH, I had no fear because I was financially viable. We did actually sort our differences out after many painful months of honest discussions and real soul searching.

OMG Dimples!

Looks do require that initial interest though. If you don't get past that then that is tricky.

My best friend is single and not looking to change that anytime soon. She loves her independence and has never wanted children. If my marriage ended I cannot imaging going through The rigmarole of meeting and dating and feel that I could have a good, fulfilled life on my own.