About people who are single and just stay that way?

[athensrose]

I am married. I suppose like all marriages it isn't without problems. Sometimes the problems feel insurmountable.

Being realistic here, I am a woman in her 30s who being brutally honest could best be considered a bit dumpy and ordinary looking. I have children. I don't have much of a life outside of them. I have nothing to offer a relationship.

I was idly wondering yesterday about what might happen if we did split. I don't doubt he would be in a new relationship within six months, more likely six weeks. Meanwhile, I would only attract someone seriously desperate.

And anyway - to get to the point of this ramble! - I don't know anybody who is single and has stayed that way. I don't know anybody who has just stayed on their own for several decades (I'm not talking about a couple of years interspersed with dates) and all my friends are married.

Is being single long term actually a 'thing'? Am I just not looking in the right places?

Hemi

Fuck me I haven't had 'half a life'! I'm mid 50s and single by choice. Some long term relationship but I've never wanted cohabitation or children.

My life so far has been amazing! So exciting, so fulfilling, so much FUN. Not to mention calm, relaxed and happy. I am pretty sure that had I chosen to be married/a mother my life would have been much duller and more stressful.

But why high? Why is one form of unhappiness superior to another?

It is interesting because people never say "you could be single and lonely" if someone complains of a bad marriage yet "you could be in a bad marriage" is the ultimate threat to single people for some reason.

Because you create your own happiness. If you're on your own, you have total control over your life and can please yourself. If your circumstances are highly dependent on another person - such as an abusive partner - then the priority is to get away from that rather than to invest in yourself.

athensrose Come on there is something that is attractive in you .

You just need to see it!

Sez JB , single for three years but would like a long term partner to spend time with, do thing s with together, share things and to love each other.

Not too unreasonable?

I know, exx, I really want to say to you that I am sure you are not and so on but it's hard as I know I am!

I wonder too if there is an element of looking at people's lives and thinking they look great and we all do that. But just as under many happy marriages there are struggles under many confident jet setting singles there might be a lot of loneliness, I don't know.

Yes, mother you have put that well.

not a common view on here, but I do wonder how many of the posters say "I am/would be happily single" (or "my friend has been single for 100 years and loves it") have the luxury of either a happy marriage or not having a face like a bag of spanners

Oh dear. Firstly lots of objectively unattractive people find partners/marry etc. Secondly. I am one to blow your theory. I was (and for my age still am it seems) considered a beauty (and I know you're not supposed to admit this on MN but tough), and have had men throwing themselves at me all my life. I have stayed single because I have wanted to, certainly not for lack of options.

You can go for meals and holidays alone you know!

51% of people are single.

www.bbc.com/news/blogs-magazine-monitor-31461595

But I would hate it ghosty

If being single is so amazing why are most people in couples

To some extent I think, lack of thinking about the other options? Or at least that's my impression. I know a couple of years ago someone said to me 'wouldn't you like to be in a relationship,threehours? and I responded truthfully 'to be honest I'd rather do a PhD.' There was a long pause. Again, I got the impression this was not the expected response - it did not compute. People seem to find it very hard to comprehend that women might have other priorities in life.

Anyway, I did the PhD.

a "half life"?!

blimey, the main gripe my 2 boyfriends had was that I didn't have time for them. How do you fit in hobbies, friends, family, etc with a man in tow is what I wanted to know at that time!

Also I'm introverted now - not so much when I was younger - so I need a good chunk of time alone reading etc.

but I don't get to see enough of my best mate, sister and mother even before a boyfriend.

I was always single before I met DH at 36. Was never a boyfriend type, but certainly enjoyed lots of male company. Both romantic & platonic. I was never "looking" for someone. And I did meet more that one lovely guy I could have married. I married my DH at 39.
Obviously, I love being with him, but if he was gone... I would be happily single again. And I do often fantasise about solo things, like traveling or living in a foreign city. He isn't in the picture! Luckily, we are very independent of eachother (no kids). I know he would be the same, if he hadn't met me.

"blimey, the main gripe my 2 boyfriends had was that I didn't have time for them"

oh wait, I wasn't running 2 boyfriends concurrently

I meant the 2 main relationships I had, one in 20s, one in early 30s.

Single and happy possibly not that rare because it's not something society marks. Couples mark anniversaries etc. Mostly I just do a happy dance every day due to being single.

Made me smile Slim

if you leave your DH you will likely need to develop a taste for older men - most men on OLD are looking for someone a lot younger ime

Made me or at least annoyed - but its true for the most part.

I agree the whole "relationships" thing can be very tiring and energy-sapping for women, although I expect longer term love relationships have their positives.

When I stopped trying to date I found it much more freeing in terms of trying to look a certain way, like Petal says. However, in some kind of weird way I enjoyed my looks more and spent more time developing my style and having fun with it. I didn't have to think "is this attractive?"

Being single is a great choice, for however long it suits and most definitely after a relationship. If you do split you can take time to rediscover you, athensrose the woman, not the wife or mother. You will have headspace to work on your image if that's what you want to do. Then you may chose to dip your toe. But listen, if you treated friends the way you treat yourself you'd have no friends - banish words like ordinary and dumpy and the idea you have nothing to offer. Sounds like it's time to put yourself first for a bit. Good luck x

Yes it is i have some friends who prefer it that way. If my DH and I were no longer together for whatever reason Im not sure I could be bothered with another relationship myself but perhaps thats more down to my social awkwardness

Same.

I understand you are trying to be kind, happy, but it is important to be honest with myself about what would happen long term if my marriage failed.

"Once I was told by a couple to put my e-reader away as it was rude. "

a couple at another table told you you were being rude?

how rude were they?!

I admit I am not keen on eating out, so only ever in restaurants because friends want to go, haven't experienced going alone.