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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About people who are single and just stay that way?

240 replies

athensrose · 14/09/2017 08:41

I am married. I suppose like all marriages it isn't without problems. Sometimes the problems feel insurmountable.

Being realistic here, I am a woman in her 30s who being brutally honest could best be considered a bit dumpy and ordinary looking. I have children. I don't have much of a life outside of them. I have nothing to offer a relationship.

I was idly wondering yesterday about what might happen if we did split. I don't doubt he would be in a new relationship within six months, more likely six weeks. Meanwhile, I would only attract someone seriously desperate.

And anyway - to get to the point of this ramble! - I don't know anybody who is single and has stayed that way. I don't know anybody who has just stayed on their own for several decades (I'm not talking about a couple of years interspersed with dates) and all my friends are married.

Is being single long term actually a 'thing'? Am I just not looking in the right places?

OP posts:

goingonabearhunt1 · 14/09/2017 16:07

I agree that society encourages women to 'settle down' asap (I hate that expression too). This probably affects ppl's views of being single as it gives it some kind of a negative connotation which it need not have.

goingonabearhunt1 · 14/09/2017 16:08

There are plenty of ppl in bad relationships but you don't tend to hear about that as much.

thisdistance · 14/09/2017 16:14

I've mostly always been single and I'm single now. I'm happy. I have friends (and a dog ) so I'm not lonely. I live with another seemingly perpetual single person so I do have somebody knocking around the house to keep me company.

Maybe it would be different if I was just going to work and coming home to an empty house?

I just don't feel the need to be in a relationship. I think my expectations are too high because, in the past, when I've started to get close to a man there always something that puts me right off. Basically, I won't compromise! If that 'perfect' somebody did come along then great. If not, meh. I can live with that happily.

MotherofSausage · 14/09/2017 16:23

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

stevie69 · 14/09/2017 16:26

Contentious question time then.
If being single is so amazing why are most people in couples

Because they can't afford the rent/mortgage on their own. Probably

HeresMe · 14/09/2017 16:27

I'm a single man and have been for numerous years, I want to meet someone but that is not the be all of life and not what defines me.

I used to be dumpy but lost loads of weight but hey I'm still single, so don't do yourself don't that you are unattractive you are not, you just haven't met the guy who knows you for who you are.

Hey I'm just telling you what everyone tells me

MsGameandWatching · 14/09/2017 16:28

I've been single for almost a decade with one six month relationship during that time. I have been married twice and had two other long term living with relationships. I Am Done. I feel far more at peace when I am single and can concentrate on the things that really matter. I don't think being coupled up and monogamous with the same person for two thirds of your life is a natural or particularly desirable state of affairs. I know a LOT of smug married and they don't realise that I pity them in the same way they do me. The only thing I miss occasionally is a cuddle at night but my dog is a pretty good substitute- when he lets me that is

cuirderussie · 14/09/2017 16:34

I was a single mum for 8 years before meeting my dh. It was lonely sometimes but I'm glad I had that time to be independent. I love dh but if I lost him I couldn't be arsed with finding someone new. I would get more cats.

MsGameandWatching · 14/09/2017 16:40

If being single is so amazing why are most people in couples

Habit. Fear of change. People get together young before they know any better and when the pressure to couple up is immense. Nightmare to dismantle built lives especially where children are involved. Sure there's some that are happier together but I don't think that's the majority, certainly not amongst the couples I know.

AmIthatbloodycold · 14/09/2017 16:43

Some single bit not through choice

OP you say you would only attract those seriously desperate

I don't even attract that

13 years since my last date

Userwhocouldntthinkofagoodname · 14/09/2017 16:52

I know many couples in your situation. They are all so jealous of my single life style but they would never dream of leaving their husbands because you know well, I have kids, I would be lonely, what would other people think, that would mean I had failed.

They then go on to chat about how miserable they are, how they never get out, how lonely they are, how they never have sex anymore, how they probably dont even love each other anymore.

I dont get it. Why do people stay in miserable relationships?

MotherofSausage · 14/09/2017 17:00

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

FrenchJunebug · 14/09/2017 17:13

being single is great for some people. I would rather be single than in a relationship that makes me unhappy. But as pointed by another poster some people are scared being on their own, are lonely, fear that they are judged for being single, etc.

Sienna333 · 14/09/2017 19:28

I don't think it is about attractiveness either. My friend is very pretty but eternally single. Hot people aren't always in relationships

jonsnowthetargaryen · 14/09/2017 19:33

I was single for 7 years after I had DD. My DM was single for 12 years when I was growing up, and has now been single for 14 years since my DSDad died. My best friend has never, ever had a relationship at 47. So yes, its certainly a 'thing'.

Monny · 14/09/2017 19:57

I'm single after ending a 20 relationship (boiling frog senario). After persuading Gollum to finally let go of me, I felt so alone (but was in no state to go near anyone). Months on, I'm starting to feel strong and relishing my sort of freedom (I have young kids). I like having my bed to me, answering to me, being me. I doubt I'll meet anyone, but that's OK as I think I am starting to get more out of life alone. My time is precious and I'm not sure I want to live with a partner. That said, I'll not cast my future in stone.

ForalltheSaints · 14/09/2017 20:16

I was single for many years. There are some advantages and certainly judging by some of the relationships posted here (especially those of couples where there are no children). Nice that no-one was worrying if you are late home (in the days before mobile phones), never watching tv that is not to your taste, and the bathroom is always available. When I was single I was fortunate in that I had enough of an income to afford a house for myself, not house sharing as many have to nowadays.

LesserofTwoWeevils · 14/09/2017 20:26

Loooong term single, not by choice: I have v few friends and most of my acquaintances are women in the same situation or gay men. And now I'm ancient so not much hope really.

But I agree with previous posters who say looks have little to do with it, confidence, luck and opportunity (ie being able to go out, being around prospective partners, having the nerve/being in a place where you can do OLD) seem to have much more to do with it.

Also it's said that you won't be ok with someone else until you're ok on your own.

VioletCharlotte · 14/09/2017 20:32

I'm single and have been for 21/2 years. I love it! I'm honestly so much happier when it's just me and the DC. I've got no interest at all in meeting anyone for the foreseeable future.

Sienna333 · 14/09/2017 20:44

There is way too much emphasis on settling down asap. For many being single is seen as an embarrassment and something that needs to be dealt with immediately. Crazy really that we are viewed as incomplete without a partner. Load of rubbish.

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 14/09/2017 20:47

I've just been on holiday. One of my work colleagues asked who I'd gone with & was surprised to hear it was just me.

I love going on holiday by myself. I can do what I want, when I want, do the same thing half a dozen times or ignore something completely if I don't fancy it. What's not to like?

MistressDeeCee · 14/09/2017 21:01

If single is supposed to mean no partner at all including a sex-free life/no partner around then yes, I don't know anybody who is truly single

Im in my mid-50s. I know several men who live alone and sing the praises of bachelor life, no woman around to get at them etc. In reality these men shag around where/when they can get it. & Im thinking of 2 in particular - 1 had an aneurysm, the other has diabetes high blood pressure and high cholesterol - and all of a sudden they are 'looking to settle down'. Aka nurse with a purse who will likely be wiping their ass within 5 years

Women friends that are 'single', tend to discreetly have a FWB or whatever other label they want to put on it. They don't seem to be out there tryin to grab onto a man. I had a FWB for years until I met OP,, once I met him and we got serious, I stopped. I do think thats what many women do, eventually

I was married previously, ExH was settled with another woman within 2 years they went on to have children.. I found as a newly divorced woman it was a bloody minefield of chancers losers, dickheads who thought as you were newly single you'd be gagging for it etc. I think online dating nearly scarred me for life. I firmly believe its easier for a man to get with a woman longterm after divorce, than it is for a woman

Been with OP years, we are happy. But don't live together. We visit each other/stay over, do a lot of stuff socially together. It suits. I can't imagine ever wanting to be married or live with a man again..you get used to your own space. & Id say thats the same for a good few women.

When all said and done, whatever suits you best then thats what you do.. I can easily understand why women would be single for years. Men = hassle, a lot of the time.

user327854831 · 14/09/2017 21:06

You certainly can be single long term, some people don't meet anybody and other people don't want to - I've been single for over 10 years and I actively don't want to have another relationship. There are far worse ways to live your life.

MrsJamesAspey · 14/09/2017 21:09

I was single for 10 years before I met my DP, wasn't looking for anyone and was more than happy on my own with my kids, I would have been more than happy to stay that way and had my life planned out for what I'm going to do when the kids eventually leave home. And should we ever split up I would be even more determined to stay on my own.

Men are a pain in the arse and life is so much easier without them, as I frequently tell my DP

GoingTo · 14/09/2017 21:14

I think one reason is that there aren't many "single" female role models, whereas there are lots of married female role models.

There is 1. Career woman or 2. ............ (struggling to think of one).

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