About people who are single and just stay that way?

[athensrose]

I am married. I suppose like all marriages it isn't without problems. Sometimes the problems feel insurmountable.

Being realistic here, I am a woman in her 30s who being brutally honest could best be considered a bit dumpy and ordinary looking. I have children. I don't have much of a life outside of them. I have nothing to offer a relationship.

I was idly wondering yesterday about what might happen if we did split. I don't doubt he would be in a new relationship within six months, more likely six weeks. Meanwhile, I would only attract someone seriously desperate.

And anyway - to get to the point of this ramble! - I don't know anybody who is single and has stayed that way. I don't know anybody who has just stayed on their own for several decades (I'm not talking about a couple of years interspersed with dates) and all my friends are married.

Is being single long term actually a 'thing'? Am I just not looking in the right places?

MIL has been single for 40+ years. She is technically a widow, but she was separated from DH's dad when he died.

Her relationship with DH's dad wasn't great and she's never bothered with relationships since. She has loads of friends though.

I've been single almost eight years after always being in a LTR and then married. When my marriage ended I deliberately wanted to remain on my own until I could work out why I had historically allowed myself to be badly treated by men and not just packed a bag. By the time I had done so and recovered from divorce I realised being single was actually great.

I am on holiday with an old friend at the moment and she and her DH are very happy and she naturally talks about him a lot and I've found myself thinking a couple of times how lucky she is and had a pang that nobody loves me.

Maybe in a couple of years or so when my DC leave home I will think about it but certainly I would never want to live with a man again but some sort of gentleman caller arrangement might be nice.

Im single a decade. Wouldnt have planned that, but the only men who were interested, i wasnt interested in them really. I cannot go through motions

I am divorcing and have been single since April last year, I've had a few flings but thats it. It will take a lot for someone to change my mind, I'm happy with life just being me, my children and my friends.

Since being single I've found that the married couples I know have floated away and I'm friendlier with a lot more single people- I suppose it's a mindset change and you gravitate towards people you can relate to.

I suppose it's a mindset change and you gravitate towards people you can relate to.

I don't think being single or not is what I most identify with in people. Shared interests in history or language or books or sport or other activities is more likely to be it.

Don't get married, girls

I've been single for 6 years , and I've not even bothered to date in this time, I love being able to do what I want,when I want. I like walking back into the house and know that no one is asking me what's for dinner etc. I love that if I want to stay in my pyjamas all day I can. If I want to go away for the weekend I just pack a bag and go. I love the fact that I can meet my friends whenever I want, best of all I get the whole bed to myself and I don't have to wash anyone else's smalls I was married but I think I've made the best decision ever by staying single.

what a fascinating threat! didn't know being single (or not) was such a mindfield.

Most of my friends are in couple. It has it difficulties and I cannot lie that sometimes I wish I had a partner (and yes it is more expensive to be single). But I have my son, my friends and a good life.

Split from my ex at 19. Had DD at 20. Been on my own for over 11 years now. I would not change a single thing.

I genuinely enjoy my life as a single woman and mother. I feel incredibly lucky. I have never felt compelled to change my status. My money is my own. My home is my own. My decisions are my own. I don't have to compromise or apologise for anything. I never feel lonely. I have a beautiful daughter, a wonderful family, loving pets and a group of amazing friends. Life is rich and fulfilling.

I'm an attractive, relatively intelligent, kind natured 30 year old woman. I don't lack confidence in myself. I don't 'shy away' from a relationship because there is something 'wrong' with me. I don't have a relationship because I don't want one. It really is as simple as that.

Currently sitting at my dining room table as I type this, drinking my second coffee. My lovely girl is at school learning, my house is spotless and quiet, my dog is curled up at my feet snoring and I feel blissfully content. I have a date with a new book and a Lush bath bomb this evening and plans to spend time with my family this weekend. I stick to one general rule of thumb - I do what makes me happy. My independence and single status makes me very much so

Been single for years, only relationship was with someone I had no real feelings for, tried to make it work because he was a good guy, and frankly no one else was interested, but couldn't keep that up for long.

Day to day I feel the same as you VinoTime but I'd say I do shy away because I feel like there's something 'wrong' with me - there's definitely a big lurking feeling that I've missed out on something

I know quite a few single women in their 40s who have never married or had kids. Some through choice, some through circumstances.

Vino, sorry this is a terribly cheeky question, but do you work? and if not, what is the source of your income?

I am single and have been for over a year. I'm 45 and this is the longest since I was 17!

I like it now but at first it was really hard to accept that I had "failed" at my relationship. Before it ended, like the OP, I was pretty sure no one else would want me. Perhaps that was why I worked so hard at it - ultimately in vain.

I think it is a huge gear shift to enjoying being single. The things you can enjoy are simply not accessible to you at first if you are not practised at making your own decisions. Freedom to do WHAT? you think - because it doesn't occur to you how many brilliant things there are to do with your time and energy when no one else has already decided how it should all be used.

I have to admit tho that I am dating a bit (that is having a little fwb action) so that is one of the ingredients in a fun life for me. I am not sure how long I'll keep it up though - it's a lot of effort for a certain kind of fun which is a huge novelty at the moment, but if I'm not looking to settle down (I'm not) I'm not sure how much it's a good use of my energy indefinitely. I think it will at least become more occasional.

I have two children and I am grateful for them every day.

The only thing I would say about this thing about "women are always building each other up, perhaps unrealistically" is this:

By the time I finally got rid of my ex, I had fully accepted that being with him was worse than being alone. I also have lots of friends who insisted that I was a catch and any man would be lucky to have me; I didn't believe them; I didn't leave my ex hoping to find a better man but to get away from that one. I was actually a bit annoyed at the number of kind encouraging remarks I was getting about how soon I owuld be with someone again, because like the OP I was like "chinny reckon".

Now that some time has passed, I have found that with a confident and happy attitude I am a catch; I have also found I still don't care.

Women in relationships are always telling other women that they will definitely soon be in relationships. I am not at all sure this is helpful because I think you may need to be prepared to have your bluff called on this to find out who you really are; where your happiness really is; find out whether you want to be in a relationship again or not.

I find the longer I am single the easier it is to remain this way. I gravitate towards single women or single parents or women who may be in a relationship but are naturally independent minded and do not judge me for preferring to remain single.

It is sometimes hard to have platonic men friends though as sometimes the boundaries get a bit blurred. Other than that I prefer single.

It is just in the winter I sometimes feel a bit wistful especially February but by spring I come to my senses and realise I am ok as I am.

Ds has just 4 more years left of his school education and he sees his dad's London family regularly and we have a good relationship ds and myself.