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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About people who are single and just stay that way?

240 replies

athensrose · 14/09/2017 08:41

I am married. I suppose like all marriages it isn't without problems. Sometimes the problems feel insurmountable.

Being realistic here, I am a woman in her 30s who being brutally honest could best be considered a bit dumpy and ordinary looking. I have children. I don't have much of a life outside of them. I have nothing to offer a relationship.

I was idly wondering yesterday about what might happen if we did split. I don't doubt he would be in a new relationship within six months, more likely six weeks. Meanwhile, I would only attract someone seriously desperate.

And anyway - to get to the point of this ramble! - I don't know anybody who is single and has stayed that way. I don't know anybody who has just stayed on their own for several decades (I'm not talking about a couple of years interspersed with dates) and all my friends are married.

Is being single long term actually a 'thing'? Am I just not looking in the right places?

OP posts:

5rivers7hills · 14/09/2017 11:18

@athensrose why woudl it be an end to going out for meals and going on holiday?

Sounds like your problem woudl be a lack of friends, not a lack of a partner.

I eat out with friends FAR more than I do with DP. I also holiday on my own or with friends more than I do with DP.

Cultivate friendships. Join groups. Go away on group holidays that interest you that are fine for single people e.g. walking or adventurous travel trips e.g. with wild frontiers.

Original poster

athensrose · 14/09/2017 11:19

Friends do not go on holiday with other friends, they go on holiday with their husbands and their children. Going out for meals is an occasional thing when babysitters can be found.

OP posts:

5rivers7hills · 14/09/2017 11:21

You can go for meals and holidays alone you know!

If you want to, yes. (And I have done so out of necessity). It. Is. Shit.

I don't find it shit. Especially if you eat at a restaurant with an open kitchen and get a seat up at the bar so you can watch the chefs. Or a window seat to watch the world go by. Or just people watch. Or read. Or be messaging friends.

LetZygonsbeZygones · 14/09/2017 11:21

I'm 56, divorced for ten years now and have never been happier. I don't want or need another relationship. When I hear my friends complain about their DHs I honestly feel grateful to come back to my flat, do what I want, when I want and please myself. It feels liberating. I have friends, interests and love to do stuff but also love to come back to my own place and relax. My friend who has been divorced a bit longer than I have feels the same. She doesn't want another relationship. Generally we find that friends and family don't understand that it's entirely possible to be content out of a relationship and occasionally mention how they know this guy who is lovely and think we would get on well, etc etc. I have a male friend who at one point wanted us to move in together but I just can't imagine myself doing that again. My only regret is not leaving my ex many, many years before I finally did. That is something I could kick myself for.

Original poster

athensrose · 14/09/2017 11:22

No, you don't, but we are all different

OP posts:

FrenchJunebug · 14/09/2017 11:22

I have been single for 10 years and will probably stay that way for the forcible future. I am a single mum and just do not have the mental energy to look for a boyfriend.

exxrecluse · 14/09/2017 11:23

This reply has been withdrawn

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FrenchJunebug · 14/09/2017 11:23

I am happy about being single. I go out, I have friends.

5rivers7hills · 14/09/2017 11:24

Friends do not go on holiday with other friends, they go on holiday with their husbands and their children.

Your friends might not. My friends do. Find some more interesting and accessible friends. See earlier posts about like attracting like...

Going out for meals is an occasional thing when babysitters can be found

So all your friends are single mothers? No one has a partner who can look after the children?

Oysterbabe · 14/09/2017 11:25

If I split from DH I can't imagine being bothered to seek out someone else. Plus I wouldn't be comfortable bringing another man into my children's lives until they were older teens / adults.

Lovemusic33 · 14/09/2017 11:25

I know a lot of people who are single, I think it depends on what your friendship groups are like, I'm guessing because you are married and have kids your friends are people you meet through school/playgroup and through meeting people as a couple. I have a friend who has been single for ten years and has no plans on meeting anyone. I am 35 and single, I'm not overly bothered if I meet someone or not, I'm happy being single and I actually look at people who are married and tied down and feel sorry for them. I can go out without having to tell anyone, I can buy those shoes I spotted in the shop without having to explain myself, I get the to remote and a big bed all to myself. I love being single .

5rivers7hills · 14/09/2017 11:26

As women we seem to spend a lot of time telling each other we are fabulous and that any man would be lucky to have us. The penny has only just dropped for me that most men can do a lot better and in reality I have very little to offer.

Ouch! Really? You have little to offer? What a sad way to think about yourself :-( Being an fun companion to do things with, holding interesting conversations - aren't those good qualities to offer?

Original poster

athensrose · 14/09/2017 11:28

Oh will you give it a rest, 5rivers!

Seriously, it is not that easy. And on that front in am fairly sure it isn't me. I've always had friendships. But I am a woman in my thirties, and despite this thread I do not know ANY single people! That's right, not one. I've known a handful of people be single for a few weeks between marriages breaking down and finding the new one but no long term singles.

So out of my numerous friends, i never get to see them. Why? They have husbands, children, mum's and dads, brothers and sisters, in-laws and then friends, that's the pecking order.

I do NOT think there is a group filled with chattering confident single women anywhere. Not that I'd fit in if there was!

OP posts:

5rivers7hills · 14/09/2017 11:28

Child-free single friends, or single friends with grown up children are going to be able to have a lot more fun and have a lot more time for you. People with young children don't make good single companions given their focus for their time and money is (rightly) on their children!

MotherofSausage · 14/09/2017 11:28

This reply has been withdrawn

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Slimthistime · 14/09/2017 11:28

I have married friends who go on holidays without husbands or children.

OP you sound quite entrenched in your views.

user1499419331 · 14/09/2017 11:29

I became a single parent 9 months ago.

I was left with our 6 month old.

At first I was terrified about finding someone else, but no I couldn't want anything less. I have my daughter, have started exercise classes again, work, doing activities I'm passionate about, going out with friends... a man would just get in the way.

I don't know how long I will stay single, but I hope it's a long time. I'm 36 this year. I might want to settle down when I'm about 50 I reckon.

user1490465531 · 14/09/2017 11:29

I've been single for ten years and fed up with it.
It's all good being single by choice but when your single because your not deemed attractive enough by society that's when it's hard.

Original poster

athensrose · 14/09/2017 11:29

All the girls I knew at school are married with kids. I don't think it's just that because I'm a mum I'm meeting other mums. All my ex colleagues. The only single one is a 22 year old and she has an on off relationship. I just honestly think it's not what people do!

OP posts:

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 14/09/2017 11:30

You've just lost your groove Athens. You can get that back, little by little. It's possible your marriage has ground you down. I've been where you are and I was older than you. I would objectively describe myself as overweight and ordinary looking but I got my sparkle back after I left what had brought me down and had a fine old time dipping my toe until then I met my man. Start being kind to yourself lady

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 14/09/2017 11:32

Ps I'm sorry if my advice isn't helpful right now, I'm just speaking from my own experience x

5rivers7hills · 14/09/2017 11:35

Ooooh sorry you're right @athensrose There are no single women (or even women in relationships) having fun and fulfilling friendships outside of men/couples. ALL women are at home whit partners and children.

You sound exceedingly defeatist. Have you taken any steps to widening your social circle outside of your norms?

I know lot of people. Some are single. Most aren't but that doesn't stop them going away with female friends or going away on mixed group holidays or socialising regularly.

Common denominator is my friendship group has by and large chosen to be child free. Only a few have kids so they dip in and out a bit more.

youhavetobekidding · 14/09/2017 11:36

I am a woman in her 30s who being brutally honest could best be considered a bit dumpy and ordinary looking

Don't put your self down. Very few people are true beaties. Very few people look like Shrek. Most people are in the middle ie quite ordinary looking

NorksAkimbo72 · 14/09/2017 11:41

I have a number of friends in their 40's who have never been married by choice...they are perfectly happy on their own!
I was never really bothered about getting married, until I met my DH. He is the best guy I know, so if we ever split, it's unlikely I'd pursue another relationship. I love being married to DH, but I also loved my single life, so it wouldn't be difficult for me to embrace that again.

scampimom · 14/09/2017 11:46

I know several single people, of different ages from 20s to 50s. I think there's a big difference between NEEDING to be in a relationship and just being open to the idea - it's all down to your relationship with yourself. If you're not happy within yourself, you won't be truly happy either with or without someone. But if you value yourself, you can find the good in any situation you find yourself, and make the most of being married or make the most of being single.

I think some people still have this idea that somehow it is a bit 'sad' to be single. Like it's a lesser state or something, or you haven't been validated by someone publicly showing that they find you acceptable. They don't look at singletons and think, "That person must have high standards and won't accept anything less than fantastic and are living a full and interesting life", they think, "Oh, poor thing, they can't get a partner." Time to challenge that thinking, imo.

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