Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About people who are single and just stay that way?

240 replies

athensrose · 14/09/2017 08:41

I am married. I suppose like all marriages it isn't without problems. Sometimes the problems feel insurmountable.

Being realistic here, I am a woman in her 30s who being brutally honest could best be considered a bit dumpy and ordinary looking. I have children. I don't have much of a life outside of them. I have nothing to offer a relationship.

I was idly wondering yesterday about what might happen if we did split. I don't doubt he would be in a new relationship within six months, more likely six weeks. Meanwhile, I would only attract someone seriously desperate.

And anyway - to get to the point of this ramble! - I don't know anybody who is single and has stayed that way. I don't know anybody who has just stayed on their own for several decades (I'm not talking about a couple of years interspersed with dates) and all my friends are married.

Is being single long term actually a 'thing'? Am I just not looking in the right places?

OP posts:
Trills · 14/09/2017 08:46

It certainly can be a thing, if you want it to be.

If this a choice you are making for your life, I think "how common is it that other people do this?" should be lower down on your list of questions than "is this what I want for myself?" or "am I choosing this, or just choosing not to try for anything else?".

Feilin · 14/09/2017 08:46

Yes it is i have some friends who prefer it that way. If my DH and I were no longer together for whatever reason Im not sure I could be bothered with another relationship myself but perhaps thats more down to my social awkwardness .

ShatnersWig · 14/09/2017 08:47

Some of us are long term single not by choice but just haven't met someone. I've been single for 7 years and I have a friend who has been single 10. Neither of us are exactly happy about it!

Trills · 14/09/2017 08:48

You also don't have to choose between "stay in an unhappy marriage" and "be single for decades".

You only have to choose what you are doing now. You can think about what you'll do after that, but it's future you who will ultimately be making that decision.

TrunkiTrailer · 14/09/2017 08:50

Of course it's a thing! A very common one. I think maybe you move in very narrow and homogenous circles.

My two oldest friends are long term single. Both in their late 30s now. They have just never met anyone they wish to settle with. My mum was single after my dad died when she was 38. She never found someone to match him so was single until she died 25 years later. Some people love the single life, others just don't find the one, or aren't willing to settle for an less than brilliant partner.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 14/09/2017 08:53

I don't know any single people in my direct circle, but I work from home and my social life is made up of couples. However, my friends who work all know lots of long-term single people. The point I'm making is that sometimes our social circles shrink to fit our circumstances. That doesn't mean there aren't any happily single people in the world, it just means you don't know them.

Foslady · 14/09/2017 08:56

Single for 8 years. Attempted dating over the past year via OLD (I don't meet anyone otherwise)......so far I can't get past date 1......and with the blokes on there I can see I'm going to be single for the foreseeable future......(I'm 49 ffs, do I look like I want to send you 'pictures '?????)

newidentiy · 14/09/2017 08:56

I have been divorced for 15 years.

I have never been happier, I have my friends and I can do what I want when I want. Only times I struggle is some bank holidays as all of my friends are married.

I do not want a relationship anytime soon again although having said that I would like somebody when I retire to go places with although I cannot imagine ever living with somebody again.

DarceyBusselsNose · 14/09/2017 08:57

I do; I have several friends, who have remained resolute spinsters. And men too, with no urge to lose a bachelor status. None of them are what you would call 'players' they just genuinely enjoy their own space and freedom, they never wanted the encumbrance of a family, but still have a wide friendship base and social life.

One eventually married when she got to her mid 40’s and all that ‘children expectation malarkey’ was behind her. The other eventually settled in his mid 50’s when he realised he couldn’t keep travelling the world undertaking extreme sports. One died in her 60’s never having had a boyfriend and became a mad cat lady.

Meanwhile, I would only attract someone seriously desperate. you do yourself a disservice.

rizlett · 14/09/2017 08:57

Surely its all about choice?

You can be single and content or single and discontent or you can be married and content or married and discontent.

Contentment isn't reliant on being in a relationship though and a damaging relationship is probably worse than being single.

Oliversmumsarmy · 14/09/2017 08:57

I have quite a few "dumpy" friends. It has never stopped them fighting off really good looking blokes. One is on dh number 3 and one on dh number 4. Their dhs tend to be a lot younger. Friend(2nd marriage) who is 48 but looks 58 is married to a really nice guy of 32.

Don't let being dumpy mean you only have the pick of the desperate.

megletthesecond · 14/09/2017 08:57

I've been a lp for 8yrs. My body is grim and I don't have the time or energy to meet anyone. Maybe in a decade when the kids are at uni and I can patch myself together.

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 14/09/2017 09:00

I know quite a lot of long term single people. One woman I know, her DH died and she's deliberately stayed single for over 40 years now.

It sounds like you have quite low self esteem though and are not valuing yourself. You're still relatively young, looks are subjective (I found DH'S black tooth attractive when we first met because it made him look a bit like a pirate!), and I'm everyone has something to offer, it's just a case of finding someone who's looking for what you have. Whether that's kindness, generosity of spirit, or even an ability to gossip for England Wink

stevie69 · 14/09/2017 09:03

I'm single and planning on staying that way Blush

I have trouble envisaging ever permanently sharing my space with someone, although my manta is ........ never say never Wink

My body is awesome Blush but I sport a shaved head and am a cantankerous old cow occasionally, which I'm assuming are the reasons that I may have difficulty in attracting anyone, should I ever feel that I need to.

icelollycraving · 14/09/2017 09:04

If I split up with dh I don't know if I could be arsed to meet someone else.

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 14/09/2017 09:05

I've been divorced for three years now & I only wish I'd made the break earlier. I plan to stay single forever because for me it's exactly right. I see plenty of friends & family, but I love having my place to myself & the freedom (no kids).

farfarawayfromhome · 14/09/2017 09:06

my best friend is 51 and single, very happy. i was happily single for a decade and only married when 37.

i had a full, happy, fulfilling life as a single, and if i found myself in that situation again, i would genuinely be fine with it. better than fine!

Allergictoironing · 14/09/2017 09:07

I'm in my 50's and very happily single by choice, never been married & though I've had my share of boyfriends never lived with anyone. My DSis was married for many years, but since getting rid of her useless excuse for a husband has been determinedly single since.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 14/09/2017 09:09

Definitely a thing. I find the idea of marriage repulsive and so so my single women friends (we are all middle-aged).

Autumnskiesarelovely · 14/09/2017 09:12

Yes being single is actually a lot better than being in an unhappy marriage. I have friends who have been single over 15 years. Lots of them. I've beeen single for years, we attract each other.

Userwhocouldntthinkofagoodname · 14/09/2017 09:12

Long term single by choice. Its great to not have an adult baby to look after. I go home at night to a house just the way I left it, can relax without someone nagging me, watch what I like on TV, go to bed when I like. Oh and the whole bed to myself is delush. Going out when I want and doing what I want, because I am worth it. Will never go back to living with someone.

Hope it goes without saying that you need to actually enjoy your own company.

Slimthistime · 14/09/2017 09:13

Loads of people are single by choice, myself included
What do you mean, is a "thing"?

Do you mean a socially acceptable thing?

Generally I'd say yes but there will alwys be idiots. My friend's dad - who is a total arse - said to him "I'd rather you were at least married once but no long term relationship just makes it look like my son is weird or gay".

But generally, do we exist and enjoy our lives? Hell yes!

Sandsunsea · 14/09/2017 09:13

If you love yourself and have confidence then others will find you attractive. It's nothing to do wit physicality. I have some friends who are long term single, they have high pressured careers and prioritise them. They say they want to find someone but I'm not sure they actually do, if they go on a date they are very quick to write the date off for a trivial reason (too chatty, too tall, his shoes etc) which makes me think that they are happier being single than they realise.

CrochetBelle · 14/09/2017 09:14

I am 33 and been single since shortly after the birth of my youngest DC, very almost years.

Can't say I'm looking for anyone.

CrochetBelle · 14/09/2017 09:14

*9 years - damn num lk

Swipe left for the next trending thread