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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About people who are single and just stay that way?

240 replies

athensrose · 14/09/2017 08:41

I am married. I suppose like all marriages it isn't without problems. Sometimes the problems feel insurmountable.

Being realistic here, I am a woman in her 30s who being brutally honest could best be considered a bit dumpy and ordinary looking. I have children. I don't have much of a life outside of them. I have nothing to offer a relationship.

I was idly wondering yesterday about what might happen if we did split. I don't doubt he would be in a new relationship within six months, more likely six weeks. Meanwhile, I would only attract someone seriously desperate.

And anyway - to get to the point of this ramble! - I don't know anybody who is single and has stayed that way. I don't know anybody who has just stayed on their own for several decades (I'm not talking about a couple of years interspersed with dates) and all my friends are married.

Is being single long term actually a 'thing'? Am I just not looking in the right places?

OP posts:

drspouse · 14/09/2017 10:01

one of my parents' friends, in her 70s, said to me that she thinks there's far more social pressure to couple up than when she was young and I think that's probably true.

My mum says this - she's now got more widowed friends thankfully (I know that sounds bad!), and some of her married friends are carers so have a good reason not to socialise, but it's just really pathetic how some of her married friends behave.

My DH was single for many more years than me before we met (as he is older, and wasn't into serial relationships). I had more serious relationships but again wasn't a serial dater. I think he was hiding under a rock, as he is a real gem and should have been snapped up when much younger.

We are unlikely to split up but as an older DH with a health condition I do have to think what widowhood would be like. I can't really see myself settling in with anyone else like him.

If we did split up, or he was widowed, I think he'd go and hide under his rock again (or just spend the whole time being Dad's Taxi Service). He is probably the same age as the grannies at the school gate but I don't think a relationship with one of them would appeal to him!

singleandfabulous · 14/09/2017 10:04

Slimthistime That's the sort of thing I'd have said.

OP, honestly, being single after marriage is just the beginning of the rest of your life. Yes, it'll be difficult at first and you'll have your doubts and may be lonely occassionally (watch that first Christmas alone - it's a killer) but then, you'll start to relax, thrive and then blossom into your new independent life, lived the way YOU want to live it, not as a support act in someone else's show.

Slimthistime · 14/09/2017 10:07

OP your focus on your looks is making me wonder if you have asked a different question than what you wanted to ask

are you basically saying you don't want to leave your partner because you think you won't find somone and you are frightened of being single so you want proof that single and happy exists?

Single and happy definitely exists but we can't organise an exhibition to show you

May50 · 14/09/2017 10:07

Hi. I'm happily single and nearly 50. Was married, then LTR. Now single for a year (with 3 kids). ExP very quickly found a new girlfriend - he's looking for someone else to cocklodge with and be his Mum! I don't see myself ever living with anyone ever again. I would like to go on dates maybe in the future but nothing serious. Childcare is an issue for me at the moment so I'm just concentrating on the kids and work, and keeping on top of housework.

FallingOrbit · 14/09/2017 10:07

I've been single for over 200 quite a few years. Partly through choice after my last relationship ended, but more recently I've realised it's probably a combination of things. Where I live, very remote, my job isn't exactly conducive to meeting people in that way either. I don't want to go to nightclubs any more. My social life consists of a couple of pints with my mates down the local pub which is also very remote, hardly likely to meet someone in there. Tried OLD off and on for a few years but whilst I'll refrain from slagging it off, let's just say I don't hold out much hope there either.

Original poster

athensrose · 14/09/2017 10:08

Not exactly, slim, I won't leave, but he might.

I'm sure single and happy does exist but it's a rare breed

OP posts:

WorldWideWanderer · 14/09/2017 10:08

I've been single for 16 years - I absolutely love it and wouldn't consider changing it.

I was married very young, married for 20 years and have 2 grown up children. On divorcing, I tried dating again but wasn't impressed...and instead concentrated on creating the life I really wanted to lead, but wouldn't be able to if I was in a relationship (and therefore had someone else to consider).

For me it's lovely, I have done wonderful things I couldn't have done if I were 'with' someone, travelled to extraordinary places in the world.... I work at jobs I want to work at, live a lifestyle I want to live and in parts of the country I choose. I have lots of friends both single and married couples, my singleness doesn't seem to be an issue. I am not afraid to eat alone in a restaurant, travel alone abroad or go to the theatre on my own. Alterntively I can also choose to go out to dinner with friends, go with friends (both male or female) to the theatre and meet whoever I like during my travels - and no questions about who I'm with, where I've been, when am I coming back....!!

Being on my own has actually widened my social circle; I have never been so lonely as I was in my marriage, I am not 'lonely' now, just on my own. I have also gained in confidence, realsing that I can manage myself and attempt projects I would have never dreamt of tackling previously....

Single is a life choice. Some like it, some wish it were otherwise, some wouldn't cope. Sometimes I feel sad for my married friends who have very unhappy marriages....I wonfder why they limit themselves by sticking with it. I am also pleased I don't have to deal with in-laws and I won't need to look after someone else in my old age....

JustBeingJobless · 14/09/2017 10:10

I've been single for nearly 10 years now. Had a few dates in the early years, but I've just lost interest and I'm comfortable with the thought that I might be on my own for the foreseeable future. I realised I was dating because I thought it was the right thing to do and because I felt like I ought to try and find someone. I'm happy on my own.

WhoWants2Know · 14/09/2017 10:18

I'm happily single and not looking. I tried dating after splitting with my ex, and after a few negative experiences I couldn't be bothered to look anymore.

I like my life the way it is, and I don't feel like I'm missing anything. In a way, I feel like a guy would hold me back. Dates are fun, but in most cases I'd rather do something with kids and friends instead.

PetalHead · 14/09/2017 10:18

God yes it's a thing. I've only been separated a couple of years to be fair, but I really cannot imagine ever being in a serious relationship again and certainly not cohabiting or marriage. After almost 20 years with a selfish, difficult, lazy and messy man who was a PITA to live with, being single is like nirvana. Being in control of household decisions. Not having to have a conversation, often leading to an argument, about every little bloody thing. Not having to feel bad about not wanting to have sex with him. (I know I didn't have to feel bad, but i did anyway...) Not having to compromise on TV choices and sit through the fecking Walking Dead again. Jumping into my own bed with a book and staying up with the light on as long as I like. Cooking what me and the kids want instead of catering for Mr Fusspot. The list goes on.

I do sometimes fancy sex, but that's all so it would have to be a FWB thing or a fling. I probably don't fancy it often enough to keep a relationship partner happy, and I don't want to have to try.

I do know people who've been single for years/decades and are happy with it. Also some who aren't happy about it. But my model for later life is my great aunt who has spent her life single and had a whale of a time travelling the word and doing all kinds of creative stuff, as well as a career. I fantasise about when I'm older and the kids are independent, going on adventures and learning new things.

My aunt told me she did have a boyfriend in her 20s and was expected to marry him. One day they were in his car and it just hit her that it wasn't for her. She ended it there and then, got out of the car and never looked back!

LonginesPrime · 14/09/2017 10:21

I have nothing to offer a relationship

I've been single for years and for me, it's more that a relationship has nothing to offer me!

What with 3 DC's and all that brings with it, working FT in a demanding job, further study and charity work, the last thing I want to do when I get five minutes to myself is worry about how I'm neglecting a partner as I don't have time for them. Plus, I'd want to spend my spare time creating something or reading, not apologising for not having put the time into a relationship.

When the DC have finished school and are a bit less dependent on me, I might think about dating, but at the moment, I just can't see the benefits.

Original poster

athensrose · 14/09/2017 10:25

Contentious question time then.

If being single is so amazing why are most people in couples

OP posts:

ShooShoey · 14/09/2017 10:26

I look back to being single and childless with quite alot of affection. I was still driven by a desire for sex though and fruitless attempts to find a boyfriend!

Now I am single but with a child. I can't honestly think what "a man" in the sense of any-old-man would bring to add to my life, I really can't.

ShatnersWig · 14/09/2017 10:26

athens Looks actually often have sod all to do with it. My friend who has been single 10 years aside from a handful of dates is attractive, intelligent and independent.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 14/09/2017 10:27

My ex H left when I was pregnant (came and went a few times but then finally went). That was 20 years ago. Initially I absolutely hated it - scared at night on my own, only had six weeks maternity leave and was overseas with no family support (in fact my DF didn't speak to me for six years owing to my being a single mother).

I didn't date at all until DD was 11, largely due to lack of time between work and DD. Since then - I am now 48 - I've had three longish term relationships and received three marriage proposals, two of which I have refused and one that I'm happy to accept in principle but really not sure about living full-time with anyone. I've been solely responsible in every way for DD (ex H has no contact) for nearly 20 years, she is now at university and I still feel that I have stuff I want to do, now that I have some space back. I have a nice life and a lot of friends, male and female. I think the intervening years have also made me very independent and I know that exes have become annoyed/frustrated with me when they are being caring or supportive and I'm a bit "no thanks, I can do that myself".

ReanimatedSGB · 14/09/2017 10:27

I'm 52 and have also been lucky enough to avoid marriage, or ever living with a partner. I have a good co-parenting relationship with my DS' dad, though he does not live with us. (DS was a surprise, his dad and I were old pals/drinking buddies who had a shag one night and were not as careful as we could have been).

Original poster

athensrose · 14/09/2017 10:29

Do you think you'd feel differently if you hadn't had a child reanimated?

OP posts:

highinthesky · 14/09/2017 10:30

I'm sure single and happy does exist but it's a rare breed

I'm equally sure that married and bloody miserable exists and is very common. I know which I'd rather be.

QueenofallIsee · 14/09/2017 10:30

I was thinking something similar quite recently (DP and I hit a bit of a bad patch last year). I am 38 with 4 kids and cannot imagine a situation where I would want another man in my home if their Dad moved out. I love my own company, have friends and family that I love, a decent salary and short of an occasional shag, can't imagine starting all that up again if it all went to the wall. Better to be single and content than in a shitty relationship all the way !

PetalHead · 14/09/2017 10:31

I think that's a really good and important question athens - because I think that for many women (not all of course), relationships detract from their lives and are pretty stressful.

It's partly that we tend to be raised to think of bagging a man and getting married as the be-all and end-all and something that will make us deliriously happy. It can take a long time to realise that that may not apply to you.

Some people really don't like to be alone, so it is preferable to them to be with someone, even someone who's not v nice. I'm an introvert and love my own company, and it's easier for those of us who are at that end of the scale to dispense with relationships.

The sad old cat lady trope is alive and well and society/media etc do perpetuate that sense of stigma and shame about "ending up old and alone". We should fight that and say that's exactly what I want, thanks very much (if it is of course).

highinthesky · 14/09/2017 10:31

OP, you are starting the sound like a smug married now. Was your question bait?

Enb76 · 14/09/2017 10:32

I'm long term single - have been since I was 32. I don't really want to share my life with anyone and for the most part I am incredibly contented. I have the occasional "I like to meet someone" but it disappears pretty quickly when I consider sharing any of my space.

ghostyslovesheets · 14/09/2017 10:32

9 years + single by choice and happy with it

I do have 4 cats

Original poster

athensrose · 14/09/2017 10:32

But why high? Why is one form of unhappiness superior to another?

It is interesting because people never say "you could be single and lonely" if someone complains of a bad marriage yet "you could be in a bad marriage" is the ultimate threat to single people for some reason.

OP posts:

NameChanger22 · 14/09/2017 10:33

I've been single for 9 years, by choice. I love it. Nothing would ever make me want to live with another man.

I think being single is very much underrated, but It's not for everyone, some people can't be alone.

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