To distance myself from pregnant friend due to way she treats step-daugther

[Eastie77]

Close friend is pregnant with her first child. She has a 6 year old step daughter. She has never had any problems with DSD that I'm aware of and they've always had a good relationship. DSD visits regularly.

A couple of weeks ago we went out for lunch. She said she has become quite anxious as her pregnancy has progressed and is worried about something happening to the baby. As a result she has told her DH that she does not want her DSD to visit for the remainder of her pregnancy or be around when baby is born for the first few months as she wants to create a' cocoon' for the 3 of them. She asked me to tell her truthfully what I thought of this. I replied that I imagined her DSD would be devastated that she cannot see her dad or new sibling. At this point friend began to cry. I apologized for upsetting her. Lunch ended, hugged her goodbye although she still looked quite upset.

Later in the week she sent me a message stating that she had thought about my comment but decided to stick to her guns and had instructed her DH to tell daughter she cannot visit (he can go to visit her but friend does not want him to go too often as she has no family support and doesn’t want to be on her own for a whole weekend). She said she had spoken about the situation with another friend of ours who had told her that her feelings were 100% natural as when you are pregnant you become a lioness who just wants to protect her cub or something along those lines . She went on to add that I shouldn’t judge until I’ve walked in her shoes. I have 2 small DC (no step children) but she seemed to be suggesting that as I didn’t suffer from anxiety during either of my pregnancies I don’t know how she feels. I actually was quite anxious at times but that’s a different story. I didn’t reply to the message or any subsequent ones and I know she is upset about this.

I’m probably projecting but I have a mental image of a 6 year old girl crying and traumatized as she suddenly can’t visit her dad. I want to support friend during her pregnancy, I’m sorry she’s suffering from anxiety but I’m horrified at her behaviour and cannot bring myself to contact her .

I think the dad should fuck off and leave your friend if this is her attitude!

This thread is very close to home for me, my daughters have been pushed out by their step mum, also have been but even more so since she had a baby! All she wants is my ex and her own family with him! Sadly my ex hasn't got the balls to stand up to her!

What an unbelievably stupid, selfish cow. Insane. He needs to get away from her. I'm a sm. I treat my skids as if they were my own. Horrible woman.

My word, what a lovely mother she will be if she can treat a child in such a despicable way!!
What is she going to do with the baby if she becomes pregnant a second time? Send it away for 6 months?
If her DP was a real man and father, he would be telling her where to go with her bloody cocoons and such as.
She sounds to me like she doesn't like the little girl for some reason and is using this as an excuse to erase her from their life.
She also sounds like a pathetic self centred nasty cow.

"To the person who asked up thread, yes I assume I am also not welcome to visit before the baby has his/her vaccinations."

Does she intend to have the baby at home? If not, then has she mentioned any concerns about her baby being born in hospital and spending a day or so in hospital, and the exposure to others they will have there?

If her concerns re the step-daughter being around the baby, are rooted in anxiety/MH issues, then I would expect this all to spill over to anxiety about being in hospital (and the exposure to germs, strangers, interference that she and her baby will encounter there).
If she isn't concerned about that then, sadly, it would seem the focus may be to exclude the child (and by extension of that, PIL etc), be that a MH issue or personality driven. It is a shame there is no one in her life, who is in a position to stand (albeit supportively) against that, as
the damage and consequences could be far-reaching.

OP
Having 're read your post, I find it odd that your friend doesn't want her dsd near her for the remainder of the pregnancy (including afterwards for a while) due to concerns about her baby , yet she was quite prepared to go out for lunch (in a public place) thereby 'running the risk' of being near many children!

In short, if she really was anxious and concerned etc she'd be already 'cocooning' herself from the outside world. I would say the truth is she's trying to pretend her child is her partners 'first born' and that's the real reason why she's excluding her dsd.

Does she still insist that this is what she wants to do OP?

No one wants to think the worst of their friend but I disagree with a PP who said you don't just change aspects of your personality in pregnancy, it can happen to an extent. Just hope the results of her actions have minimal impact on those affected in the end

@DiscoDiva70 - she isn't particularly isolating or cocooning herself at the moment. Still goes to work, meets in public places but she works from home a lot.

Apparently she wants a home birth with an inflatable pool but is concerned about possible damage to the house/flooring.

She said in a longer recent exchange that she has felt anxious about picking up infections from DSD or other people throughout the pregnancy but she has been hiding her fears and it has now all become more heightened in recent weeks as her due date nears.

How precious of her. I worked in the City up until the week before DD was born. I didn't have time to worry about infections.

Oh boy. People never cease to amaze. Would she do the same next pregnancy, banishing her first "blood" child?

I am sorry but I think you should call her out on her planned behaviour
I feel so bad for the 6 year old
I have an 8 year old and I think if she was treated like what is planned she would be crushed and it would impact her life

I seriously would need to tell her even in a really nice way it's not acceptable
And I couldn't be friends with her

I know it might be a mh issue but it doesn't mean you should brush it under the carpet
It might push her into getting help

That's just me though as I couldn't live with myself if I didn't stick up for the child

If you are truly her friend you should tell her how you really feel.

Well you can point out that DSD is unlikely to be infecting the baby with anything that can be vaccinated against as she will have had the same vaccination program.

Eastie
Well if she's still meeting in public places then she can't possibly know that she'll need 'cocooning' from her dsd.
Also, if she's so apparently over anxious about her baby then it makes no sense that she would want a home birth, where her baby would be more at risk should complications occur. And she only seems concerned about the state of her floor
I think she's spinning a load of crap regarding her need to 'cocoon' and just wants to push her dsd out so that she isn't included in her 'precious family unit'

OMG - even the bitch SM of my 2 DCs did not do that when their brother was born.
Got to meet him the day after he was born - later pushed out but they did go there first and were so proud and lovely that they saw him first. They adore him even if contact is minimal.

Not rtft, but the main thing screaming out at me here that this sounds completely out of character and my initial worry would be that her first pregnancy anxiety could be spiralling into perinatal depression or even psychosis.

I would not cut her off - quite the opposite.
She needs your support more than ever here. This is not a normal thought process.

Firstly speak to the other friend (and ask wtf she agreed for) she needs to be as supportive in vetoing this plan as you.
Try and speak to the DH
Encourage her to discuss this with her MW or GP, point out that if it 'is' a good idea, they'll be sure to agree which clearly they won't

Honestly - this could end up far worse with her not wanting to leave the house etc.

Don't forget, you could always call a midwife yourself for some advice about what to say or do next.
You sound like a great friend, don't write this off as being a massive twat

Update: friend has given birth to a beautiful baby girl, born 2/3 weeks early I think. She has sent me a picture as I am traveling for work atm.

She didn't get her home birth and I hope she is coping well with the hospital environment. We exchanged several messages over the last couple of weeks and she did seem to acknowledge that her behaviour was not reasonable and she was also worried about impact on her DH. I suggested asking for help from her MW or GP, she said she didn't feel she needed help from outside agencies at this point but she did want to eventually talk to someone about her health anxieties. I think this is a really good start as she has recognized that there is a problem. I tried to avoid continually mentioning the issue with her DSD as it just seemed to make her worse/close down so I am just hoping she does seek help. In the meantime I can see her DH is spending lots of time with his DD (photos on social media etc) and she looks happy, so this makes me feel a bit (temporarily) better as I was just haunted by how traumatized she would feel as a result of my friends plans.

I am not cutting contact with my friend and plan to take her the baby clothes etc I promised when I get back to the UK but she knows and understands I will never support her stance re DSD.

That sounds the best you can do and hope for.

She clearly just wanted someone to agree with doing something so horrible to a child!

I'm surprised that people seem to find this unusual. I have known more than one woman who did this, one tried very hard to get me to spend alot of time with her, our babies were the same age, but I couldn't get past her being so nasty to a little girl so I just didn't engage.

I hope the father doesn't go along with this.

now I do have anxiety, and I do know what it's like to fixate on future events and believe the only possible outcome is death and disaster.... but she is being an unreasonable dick and I hope she gets some help/a head wobble before she devastates this poor little girl.

Oh dear I do wish I would learn to RTFT

The poor DSD!

Your friend is being thoughtless, selfish and cruel. The DF should be doing everything he can to make sure that his daughter doesn't feel pushed out, not the other way around... hopefully he won't go along with this. I think you're doing the right thing by being honest with her. I can't imagine many will agree with her.

I hope he tells here were to go!

Talk about a wicked stepmother.