To distance myself from pregnant friend due to way she treats step-daugther

[Eastie77]

Close friend is pregnant with her first child. She has a 6 year old step daughter. She has never had any problems with DSD that I'm aware of and they've always had a good relationship. DSD visits regularly.

A couple of weeks ago we went out for lunch. She said she has become quite anxious as her pregnancy has progressed and is worried about something happening to the baby. As a result she has told her DH that she does not want her DSD to visit for the remainder of her pregnancy or be around when baby is born for the first few months as she wants to create a' cocoon' for the 3 of them. She asked me to tell her truthfully what I thought of this. I replied that I imagined her DSD would be devastated that she cannot see her dad or new sibling. At this point friend began to cry. I apologized for upsetting her. Lunch ended, hugged her goodbye although she still looked quite upset.

Later in the week she sent me a message stating that she had thought about my comment but decided to stick to her guns and had instructed her DH to tell daughter she cannot visit (he can go to visit her but friend does not want him to go too often as she has no family support and doesn’t want to be on her own for a whole weekend). She said she had spoken about the situation with another friend of ours who had told her that her feelings were 100% natural as when you are pregnant you become a lioness who just wants to protect her cub or something along those lines . She went on to add that I shouldn’t judge until I’ve walked in her shoes. I have 2 small DC (no step children) but she seemed to be suggesting that as I didn’t suffer from anxiety during either of my pregnancies I don’t know how she feels. I actually was quite anxious at times but that’s a different story. I didn’t reply to the message or any subsequent ones and I know she is upset about this.

I’m probably projecting but I have a mental image of a 6 year old girl crying and traumatized as she suddenly can’t visit her dad. I want to support friend during her pregnancy, I’m sorry she’s suffering from anxiety but I’m horrified at her behaviour and cannot bring myself to contact her .

She doesn't get to create a 'cocoon' that excludes her dsd ffs. Her dsd is there whether she likes it or not. She can shove her fucking cocoon up her horrid arse. And you can tell her I said that.

What a selfish and insecure act. She sounds like one of those alpha-moms that is going to be a nightmare. Trying not to judge as she has issues with on-going anxiety but even then, it's a sad situation.

Poor DSD. Here's hoping her father develops the backbone to stand up for her rights and provide balance in this situation.

It can be bloody heart wrenching and makes you feel like low priority shit when you are a SP (I am like the Child Catcher of Step Mothers, got heaps of the little critters and one biological one) and sometimes you seethe at unfairnesses especially when you can do no right in the eyes of the Children's DM and it's so pigging hard not to take it out on the child even just by withdrawing emotionally from them. (I became a SM of 3 at 24 years old - Fuck me, I look back now and feel like I was such a clueless child!).
You literally have to keep the mantra 'I am the adult here, they didn't ask for this shower or shite' or similar in your head at all times.
Despite being divorced from the 3 SC Father and separated from DD's DF (Very amicable despite him putting me through hell) I am in regular contact with all SC and SGC and will always be there for them (you don't divorce or 'leave' children). I suffer from horrendous anxiety/social anxiety which I am unsuccessfully treated for along with severe depression. At times it has been so so difficult not to turn into the shrew/fishwife insanely screeching demands and shouting 'Mememememe! What about Meeeeeeeeee'! At EX-DH and EX-Horrible Git, (before they were EX) however you just don't do this!!!
Your friends sounds utterly foul and YANBU in ditching the cowbag. Further then this i'd be headsing her Mother up about the Wicked Step Mother's intentions so she can gear up to fight her poor girl's corner.
In short, your friend is a complete and utter cunt (not a word I use lightly) and cannot blame any of her intentions on anxiety/illness. They all stem from pure entitled cuntishness and that is all. Her husband is a prize bellend if he indulges this nasty nonsense. Why can't DSD be part of her ridiculous 'cocoon'?

Apologies for all the swearing - This post has really made me angry.

Yanbu and I would not be able to keep
My thoughts to myself either !

She has shown her true colours hasn't she

Poor DSD! I imagine that the little girl can't wait to be a big sister.

Her DP needs to step up and stick up for himself and his DD and nip this in the bud as this will only get worse once the baby arrives. Your friend is being a selfish twat and basically asking her DP to choose between the children. Disgusting behaviour!

think your friend wants to pretend it's his first child.

I agree with this. I'd probably set out in writing to her how I feel on the off chance it gets through to her and leave it at that really.

Ah. This happened to me. My ex got his new girlfriend pregnant after about five minutes. She was, and by all accounts still is, sick with jealousy over my DC's existence. She was a very silly, self absorbed person. On saying that, I do have some sympathy with her as my ex is a nasty piece of work who would take delight in playing on all her insecurities. And he should have stood his ground, but he never cared much for my DC anyway.

We haven't seen either of them for years now

YOU know her - do you think she's mentally unwell?

It sounds to me like your friend is experiencing some kind of pre natal MH episode. There was a thread on here recently by someone who developed a form of psychosis and decided to terminate the pregnancy.

He thoughts sound irrational and intrusive. If you are a good friend I would support her to seek help in case the pregnancy has triggered a serious MH issue.

The responses are nasty because it is not necessarily mental illness. It could just be colossally selfish, in which case most of the stronger comments are justified. I'm sure the op will send something reasonably moderate to sound out her mental state. I don't think people suggesting you ask what happens to this baby with additional siblings is relevant, I'm sure there is a difference in her mind between sd and her own baby. Op, if you can't get a rational reaction I'd have to distance myself and say why pretty clearly. Someone phrased it something like ' as a mother I find it abhorrent' and id have to be at least that clear. She needs to 'cocoon' with 4 people not 3. Poor little girl.

She told you not to judge after asking for your truthful opinion? Puts you in an impossible position.

The reasoning for shutting her stepdaughter out is unclear & suspect...I think you're right not to engage in further discussion...starting to sound like stepdaughter needs protecting from stepmum not the other way round.

If she has genuine health issues that make her see 'enemies' where there are none it needs tackling directly.

I'd end the friendship and tell her why, and tell her H he's a shit father if he goes along with her request to the detriment of his DD, so puts his U and selfish wife above his DC.

Sounds like she knows what she is planning is awful as she's asking you not to judge, which makes me think it is anxiety lead rather than nastiness - she just can't see quite how damaging it's going to be because she's focused on her anxieties maybe?
Obviously you're the only one who knows her OP but if you think it's out of character then I echo previous posters and think you should stick by her to be the voice of reason even if it upsets her. And definitely encourage her to speak to her midwife about it.

I hope for both their sakes they don't get to the stage of mentioning this plan to the girls mother. The sound of shit hitting the fan will be deafening. And any good relations will be soured permanently.

Wow, she's set a low bar for the kind of father she wants for her own child.

I'd tell them both that then lose contact. Dicks.

If MH it would not just centre around her SD.

I afraid there are lots of women who don't like the idea they are not giving their partner their first-born.

For a colleague of mine it only worked because her ex had a son from previous relationship so she could give her his first daughter.

Some wonen are just batty and selfish too.

I really think your friend has pre-natal depression. She really needs to talk to her MW/GP and get help. So do really press her to go and talk to them and get help.

@caprianna the OP said it extends to friends DM And MIL as well, which is what made me think it's more than nastiness

If MH it would not just centre around her SD

That shows a lack of awareness of MH tbh. Of course it can be centred around one person or one particular thing Anyway, as whyhas points out, it's not just the SD the OP's friend is worried about. I think this is likely to escalate and she should be strongly encouraged to see her GP.

I would be telling her that I have no wish to associate with someone so emotionally abusive that they would ban a 6 year old from her father's home for months while they set up a new family that this poor child clearly isn't part of. I had no idea you were like this and now I know better, I don't want anyone capable of such vile behaviour around me or my DC.

It's harsh but she really really deserves it. Hopefully her father won't stand for such nonsense. I know mine wouldn't have and he frequently threatened to leave my stepmother if she couldn't treat me like family.

If I was DSDs Mum I would go absolutely fucking apocalyptic about this. It's such a shocking display of cruelty. I'd get the father to write it down and then I'd probably refuse all future access to protect my child from the vicious bitch step mother and I'd make damn sure I saw a solicitor.

This is about territory. About making HER child no1

Agreed. Saw this happen with an ex friend of ours. It's all portrayed as these natural feelings that we're not meant to disagree with or judge, but it didn't stop there, the DSCs were never fully accepted back into the family and the friend became more and more aggressive in her stance - toys were not to be shared, the DC had to have first go on the garden swing because it was "hers" - that sort of thing, slowly chipping away more and more at the DSCs sense of belonging, all while their dad stood limply by and let it happen. I've never felt more contempt for a fellow male than I have for him. I think it all came to a head when the DSCs had to eat their Christmas dinner on another table while the "proper" family ate together. They're NC now, which is probably for the best but poor kids having their SM, fully supported by their dad, alienate them like that.

OP you can alert her maternity care that you think shes having MH issues - this typical of paranoia that she thinks the DSD will harm her baby. She needs intervention and she needs it NOW. I hate to say it, your friend, is the sort of candidate that could quite likely end up like Charlotte Bevan (mother & baby found in the Avon Gorge, MH issues not addressed).

*and spineless wimp of a father who won't stand up for his eldest child.

What an absolute horrid 'person' your friend is. Please be extremely blunt in telling her this. Poor step daughter