To distance myself from pregnant friend due to way she treats step-daugther

[Eastie77]

Close friend is pregnant with her first child. She has a 6 year old step daughter. She has never had any problems with DSD that I'm aware of and they've always had a good relationship. DSD visits regularly.

A couple of weeks ago we went out for lunch. She said she has become quite anxious as her pregnancy has progressed and is worried about something happening to the baby. As a result she has told her DH that she does not want her DSD to visit for the remainder of her pregnancy or be around when baby is born for the first few months as she wants to create a' cocoon' for the 3 of them. She asked me to tell her truthfully what I thought of this. I replied that I imagined her DSD would be devastated that she cannot see her dad or new sibling. At this point friend began to cry. I apologized for upsetting her. Lunch ended, hugged her goodbye although she still looked quite upset.

Later in the week she sent me a message stating that she had thought about my comment but decided to stick to her guns and had instructed her DH to tell daughter she cannot visit (he can go to visit her but friend does not want him to go too often as she has no family support and doesn’t want to be on her own for a whole weekend). She said she had spoken about the situation with another friend of ours who had told her that her feelings were 100% natural as when you are pregnant you become a lioness who just wants to protect her cub or something along those lines . She went on to add that I shouldn’t judge until I’ve walked in her shoes. I have 2 small DC (no step children) but she seemed to be suggesting that as I didn’t suffer from anxiety during either of my pregnancies I don’t know how she feels. I actually was quite anxious at times but that’s a different story. I didn’t reply to the message or any subsequent ones and I know she is upset about this.

I’m probably projecting but I have a mental image of a 6 year old girl crying and traumatized as she suddenly can’t visit her dad. I want to support friend during her pregnancy, I’m sorry she’s suffering from anxiety but I’m horrified at her behaviour and cannot bring myself to contact her .

Wow!! I'm in the same position as your friend (pregnant with 6 year old step daughter). There is nothing I wouldn't do to make sure that little girl feels included and that I love her just as much as her new sibling. When we discuss the baby with her we make it clear it's the 3 of us bringing someone new into our family. We are also going to make sure she is the first one to meet the new baby. What a horrible step mother your friend is.

Forward her this link. What a horrid bitch.

Your friend is a selfish fucking bitch. Her DH needs to put his foot down over this, immediately.

I would reply that when her dc is here and around the same age that she will probably realise what a dick she has been. That even if her feelings are natural she is a grown up and to deny her dsd of time with her own father and new sibling she is being cruel and very unmotherly. That I am sorry if the truth hurts but as a friend you would be doing her a disservice to say otherwise. I would also tell her that you care about her a lot and hope that she sees this despite her anxiety which you totally understand as you suffered anxiety when pg also.

I would honestly send her a message stating that you think she is being fucking unreasonable, and if her partner did this, what does she think might happen if they break up and he gets his next partner pregnant and that partner demands the same thing.

I would also point out that this child is going to be in their lives for at least another 12 years minimum, she is her childs half sister and should be included as much as possible.

I might even go with the, if you were to have another child, where are you going to ship this child to?

Oh and bollocks to it being a natural reaction unless you are a complete idiot

I couldn't continue a friendship with her. What a horrible woman.

I hope she gets her comeuppance and with that attitude she will at some point.

No doubt she'll complain that DSD doesn't like the baby in a few months and banish her for good.

Ask her if she'd be ok with her baby being treated like that in 6 years time.

MimiSunshine - she is worried about the baby picking up an infection from DSD, about DSD being 'hyper' and upsetting the calm environment the baby needs and other unspecified concerns I'm not really clear on. She has said it is not specifically about DSD - she does not want lots of people around including her DM and DMIL as the baby needs time to 'settle'.

I hadn't really thought about ante-natal PND or psychosis. She doesn't seem mentally unwell but I'm in no way qualified to assess that.

Way to make the step daughter resent her new sibling. Is there actually something wrong with this woman?

I wouldn't respond to her. She's clearly not listening to anyone who doesn't agree with her.

I hadn't really thought about ante-natal PND or psychosis. She doesn't seem mentally unwell but I'm in no way qualified to assess that.

And if this is seriously out of character for her I would consider it. Sounds like she had a good relationship before and she is also excluding DM and DMIL. Not normal and therefore worrying. Has she expressed this to a doctor or midwife?

I would tell her that she is being completely unreasonable and unbelievably neurotic. If her DH goes along with it then he is also BU.

how heartbreaking for the daughter. If you're close friends, do you feel comfortable enough speaking to her DH about this?

I have stepchildren. I asked DH not to bring them to see me in hospital when I gave birth (emergency c section, blood transfusions etc) but was very happy for them to meet DD as soon as we were home. Unfortunately DHs ex then refused access to them for over 6 months and we had to take her to court. Affected the step children loads. It's incredibly cruel not to involve a 6 year old who will feel daddy has chosen his new child over her, especially if there is a bitter ex involved

maddening - thank you, I will use some of that and send a response. I want a slightly conciliatory tone (even if it's not the way I feel) as she might actually be quite ill.

The replies on here confirm that her behaviour is in no way normal and I've never seen this side to her before so it's really not in character.

Creating a cocoon? The dsd causing the baby an infection? She is a grade A selfish twat . I really have no words. I would definitely write her a letter as a last form of communication. Don't attack her but explain how unreasonable she is being. Ask how she would feel if her child was the victim of this sort of behaviour?

You do realise that after a few months she will probably be even more neurotic and will probably still not want that poor little girl around. She needs someone to tell her what she is doing and not to pander to her by telling her bullshit about lionesses protecting cubs

Tell her the truth - that you can't be civil with someone who views a little girl as a "threat" to her. She obviously never liked the child in the first place and is using pregnancy as an excuse. Vile behaviour.

My first thought was antenatal depression - I would encourage her to speak to her GO/midwife about her concerns as they're extreme and out of character.

No, don't think she has told a doctor or MW. She said she could only tell a few people which is why she burst into tears when I bluntly told her what I thought at the lunch. Our other friend then gave her a more palatable response which made her feel better but her messages to me since have been along the lines of "don't think badly of me" etc so I think it is eating away at her a bit.

DP knows her DH well, they are both from the same country. He knows about the situation but I doubt he'd say anything to her DH as he is completely disinterested and just rolls his eyes when I bring up the subject.

I think you should tell her exactly how horrified you are, and I hope you clearly illustrate how damaging this will be to her step-daughter AND to her husband. She has totally lost the plot. She is being precious and ridiculous.

Oh dear that is awful - but it does sound like she needs some help with her anxiety.

My DSCs were older when I was pregnant (8 and 10) but I cannot imagine how devastated they'd have been if I'd banned them for months! I did have anxieties about how I would cope with them and a newborn and how I would feel - but I kept those anxieties to myself because I am the adult and they are children and they were my issues to deal with.

If she can't see how awful she's being then
maybe she is not coping - I look back now
and realise I had a lot of quite odd worries and thoughts when pregnant but I did manage to deal with them... it doesn't sound like anyone will come out of this well without some help.

Poor girl.

I'll suggest the GP/MW route.

My first thought was (apologies in advance for the language) "What an absolute cunt". However, your follow-up about her being convinced that DSD will give the baby an infection or that her very presence will be intrinsically harmful to her sibling does make me wonder if she is suffering from an ante-natal mental health condition. That level of paranoia is way beyond the whole 'precious first-born' stuff, isn't it?

Do you know her DH well enough to drop him a message and say you're a bit worried about your friend because her behaviour is so out of character?

I can totally see why you're finding all this distressing. I would too. The thought of that poor little girl being pushed away from not only her dad but her own brother/sister as well is absolutely heart-breaking.

I cannot stand that lioness/cub/mama bear thing. It's uncivilised. Poor step kid