To distance myself from pregnant friend due to way she treats step-daugther

[Eastie77]

Close friend is pregnant with her first child. She has a 6 year old step daughter. She has never had any problems with DSD that I'm aware of and they've always had a good relationship. DSD visits regularly.

A couple of weeks ago we went out for lunch. She said she has become quite anxious as her pregnancy has progressed and is worried about something happening to the baby. As a result she has told her DH that she does not want her DSD to visit for the remainder of her pregnancy or be around when baby is born for the first few months as she wants to create a' cocoon' for the 3 of them. She asked me to tell her truthfully what I thought of this. I replied that I imagined her DSD would be devastated that she cannot see her dad or new sibling. At this point friend began to cry. I apologized for upsetting her. Lunch ended, hugged her goodbye although she still looked quite upset.

Later in the week she sent me a message stating that she had thought about my comment but decided to stick to her guns and had instructed her DH to tell daughter she cannot visit (he can go to visit her but friend does not want him to go too often as she has no family support and doesn’t want to be on her own for a whole weekend). She said she had spoken about the situation with another friend of ours who had told her that her feelings were 100% natural as when you are pregnant you become a lioness who just wants to protect her cub or something along those lines . She went on to add that I shouldn’t judge until I’ve walked in her shoes. I have 2 small DC (no step children) but she seemed to be suggesting that as I didn’t suffer from anxiety during either of my pregnancies I don’t know how she feels. I actually was quite anxious at times but that’s a different story. I didn’t reply to the message or any subsequent ones and I know she is upset about this.

I’m probably projecting but I have a mental image of a 6 year old girl crying and traumatized as she suddenly can’t visit her dad. I want to support friend during her pregnancy, I’m sorry she’s suffering from anxiety but I’m horrified at her behaviour and cannot bring myself to contact her .

You friend might be borrowing from cultures where the mother doesn't go out for a month, but those cultures absolutely would not exclude family members. She is twisting all kinds of things to fit her agenda.

I'd be keeping a very close eye on the baby and the DSD in your shoes. I don't think it's at the referral stage at present but there could be potential for her anxiety to increase and her behaviour to get ever more ridiculous. Isolating herself is a very bad sign.

I think it is a horrible thing to do. She should be trying to encourage a bond between them not spark up a divide! I hope her DH puts a stop to it.

She sounds at risk of getting poorly mentally. She might be ok, but keep an eye on her and don't cut her out - alarm bells ringing over the germ anxiety and out-of-character behaviour.

She may be absolutely fine, but keep an eye out (work in perinatal mental health)

You friend might be borrowing from cultures where the mother doesn't go out for a month, is SUCH an MN thing to say Not

OP I don't think she would necessarily realise the impact on DSD. Some people find children's feelings difficult to relate to until they have their own children.

Anyway, though it's unfortunate she didn't get the birth she wanted it sounds like things are perhaps working out a little better than hoped with DSD because of the distance imposed by a hospital stay.

I wish them all the best at navigating their parenting journey.