To distance myself from pregnant friend due to way she treats step-daugther

[Eastie77]

Close friend is pregnant with her first child. She has a 6 year old step daughter. She has never had any problems with DSD that I'm aware of and they've always had a good relationship. DSD visits regularly.

A couple of weeks ago we went out for lunch. She said she has become quite anxious as her pregnancy has progressed and is worried about something happening to the baby. As a result she has told her DH that she does not want her DSD to visit for the remainder of her pregnancy or be around when baby is born for the first few months as she wants to create a' cocoon' for the 3 of them. She asked me to tell her truthfully what I thought of this. I replied that I imagined her DSD would be devastated that she cannot see her dad or new sibling. At this point friend began to cry. I apologized for upsetting her. Lunch ended, hugged her goodbye although she still looked quite upset.

Later in the week she sent me a message stating that she had thought about my comment but decided to stick to her guns and had instructed her DH to tell daughter she cannot visit (he can go to visit her but friend does not want him to go too often as she has no family support and doesn’t want to be on her own for a whole weekend). She said she had spoken about the situation with another friend of ours who had told her that her feelings were 100% natural as when you are pregnant you become a lioness who just wants to protect her cub or something along those lines . She went on to add that I shouldn’t judge until I’ve walked in her shoes. I have 2 small DC (no step children) but she seemed to be suggesting that as I didn’t suffer from anxiety during either of my pregnancies I don’t know how she feels. I actually was quite anxious at times but that’s a different story. I didn’t reply to the message or any subsequent ones and I know she is upset about this.

I’m probably projecting but I have a mental image of a 6 year old girl crying and traumatized as she suddenly can’t visit her dad. I want to support friend during her pregnancy, I’m sorry she’s suffering from anxiety but I’m horrified at her behaviour and cannot bring myself to contact her .

Agree with LaughingElliot. This scenario is sadly very common. What is it with some men that they can just move on without a backward glance?

My grandfather was a widower when he married my gm. It transpired that he had a dd but my gm refused to allow her to live with them and he was banned from visiting. Very sad.

ALso, mental health indeed. I am so sick of the mental health card I can't tell you. Mental health issues do not excuse nastiness to others. Ever. The person here who is going to end up with mh problems is the stepdaughter, that's for sure.

I have come to learn over the years that whenever someone is behaving in a way that seems genuinely malicious or cruel, mental ill health is behind it, even if it's not obvious. This doesn't make it any easier to deal with, or any less hurtful, but it is a reason. I also think, OP, you are in a difficult situation because if I were you I would somehow feel compelled to help in some way, and that in itself will be really tough on you and you might find yourself in the firing line next. But maybe distancing yourself is not the right thing to do...if you are long term, close friends perhaps you should draw your friend closer....maybe now is when your friend needs you the most?
These are only thoughts....I may be totally wrong....

Wow. She's a selfish arse. I hope her husband stands up for himself and his daughter and put an end to her crazy nonsense for all their sakes, including the baby.

The thing is that people are saying this isn't normal, except it really is normal for stepmothers to put their own children first once they arrive and to want the stepchildren to be pushed aside in favour of their own children.

It's not palatable but it's far more common than not.

And we need to stop sudo diagnosing mental health issues because the truth is too unpalatable to contemplate.

If this was the husband saying that the children wouldn't be visiting once the baby was born nobody would be saying he was mentally unwell even if this was out of character for him.

But at the moment she is isolating her DH, saying she doesn't want people around them because it will just be the three of them, threatening the DH that she owns the house so he'll have no rights if he leaves. These are all classic emotional abuse tactics. They don't turn into a MH condition just because she happens to be pregnant. In fact being pregnant has given her the upper hand over the DH because she can use access to her unborn baby over him as a means to make him stay. And if they're not married she can threaten to not put his name on the birth certificate therefore giving him no parental responsibility.

If all this was the other way around this is what people would be saying.

Perhaps it is natural to reject stepchildren. Look at Fairy stories: there are heaps of wicked stepmothers and weak fathers. In fact in Italian I believe the word for stepmother is Bad Mother.

Sorry, can you all please lay off this woman a bit

meh, she is a nasty deluded piece of shit, really she is. I don't care if she has MH that's never an excuse to be vile

all OP can do is tell her straight and leave her to it in good conscience

we need to not" walk on by" when issues of child cruelty occur, and this is emotional damage

If MH it would not just centre around her SD.

That's absolute nonsense, sorry. Paranoia can be attached to incredibly narrow and specific things/individuals.

None of us here know whether she is suffering from a pregnancy-induced mental illness or not, but it's certainly a possibility and can't just be ruled out.

meh, she is a nasty deluded piece of shit, really she is. I don't care if she has MH that's never an excuse to be vile

all OP can do is tell her straight and leave her to it in good conscience

we need to not" walk on by" when issues of child cruelty occur, and this is emotional damage

Right, so given that you think the most important thing here is the child (and so do I), what do you think is likely to have the better outcome for the child? Talking to this woman firmly but compassionately and encouraging her to seek help for this extreme anxiety, help that could resolve or at least alleviate it and allow her to see that her step-daughter is no threat to her baby? Or telling her she's a vile bitch and leaving her to it? How likely do you think option B is to lead to a good outcome for the child?

I expressed my opinion on her (harsh), however I never advocated that OP should abuse her verbally!

however I also stated that I think Op needs to tell her what she thinks, and I think there is some good advice on how to word it firmly

I am sorry but I don't believe this is anxiety as such, I think this woman is behaving irrationally and unkindly and calling it "anxiety" lets her off the hook

many abusive men have MH issues too, and we don't let them off lightly!

I agree. You need to distance yourself from this, I would too.

It is very unkind behaviour, even considering the anxiety and the heightened emotions that are natural, this is extremely worrying.

Either she is using the pregnancy as an excuse to me DSD out of their lives, or she is unwell, she could be both. Either way you have made your feelings very clear and a bit of distance now will not be a bad thing.

The thing is, even if she does have MH issues, does it mean that we have to agree with anything someone with mental health issues believes and demands? Surely if they have developed unhealthy thought patterns and behaviours we want to gently challenge them and help them to develop healthier ways of thinking and being. If this woman was in therapy, the therapist might say, I understand your feelings of distress, but surely wouldn't be validating them and saying she is right to feel that way.

So really either way, if she's being a precious bitch or if she's ill, challenging her is surely the correct approach.

Ladyincement Exactly. We are not genetically engineered to adore any children but our own blood. That's why this whole step parenting thing which is taken so casually by so many is so disastrous.

I would just back away from her. She is being silly about excluding dsd at the moment - does she think the 6yo will arrive with a chainsaw to chop at her pregnant belly or something?

However you should be careful with newborns. I know a family (mum dad dc1 dc2 dc3) and when dc3 was newborn, the rest of the family (dad, dc1, dc2) had to go stay with relatives for 3 weeks to protect the baby from the chicken pox that dc1&2 had. So, I can understand the "infection to baby" business a bit. Also there are stories in the paper about newborns being

ill from being kissed by people with cold sores

However I wouldn't get into it. I would back away.

This is shocking. I would perhaps text back and ignoring every other part of the problem and just focus on these feelings or her reaction to them not being normal and that she should be careful to not allow this to become depression either pre or post natal. It certainly rings alarm bells.
If you get nowhere but know where her doctor surgery is I would consider writing a short letter explaining your concerns for your friend and ask for it to be passed on to the midwife. You can't do much more than that but it will at least highlight the issues to the midwife who can help both your friend and her DSD before too much damage is caused.

OP, you said that the friend who supported her in this was a friend of "ours" - have you spoken to this other friend at all about it? It is clearly a very unreasonable thing to do and I'd be shocked to find any of my friends that would agree with and support someone who said that they wanted to do such a thing. Is this also out of character for the other friend to support her in this? Do you have any other mutual friends that you think she could talk to about this "to get a more balanced view" - particularly anyone who's child IS a step-child??

My FIL is an example of this. He was raised by a single Dad, who met his second wife when FIL was late teens. Very quickly FIL was shoved out and replaced by her DC and later her Grandchildren with my DH and his DB being ignored. FIL always swore he wouldn't do the same when him and MIL divorced when DH was late teens. Fast forward fifteen years. FIL is remarried. Ignores his DC. Has never had his Grandchildren overnight because new wife said she was done raising kids. She has 2 adult DC. Fair enough. Until Her DC had their own DC. Then two of the spare bedrooms were renovated for her grandchildren to stay in. Her GC are there regularly and they all holiday together. My DSS is lucky to get to a birthday card from his Grandad and FIL didn't meet my DD till she was almost 1 despite living 10 streets up from us. FIL is particularly despicable to me as he knows exactly how it feels to be the child in this scenario.

Just put this update on my other thread so re-posting!

I think her DH genuinely believes she is unwell and so is treating her with kids gloves as she has told him the baby will be affected if she subjected to any stress. He isn't a particularly strong character and wasn't responsive when I tried to enlist his help on another issue (wrote about this in a previous thread about an awful baby shower) but I know he will continue to see his daughter and that is non negotiable for him thankfully. I think it will just have to be at his ex's house, day trips out etc.

To be honest, perhaps that's a good thing. The main thing right now in my opinion is that DSD continues to feel loved by her dad and I think some one on one time is a good idea.I don't think she should be around my friend in her current state. I can understand why he wouldn't want her be exposed to my friend's unbalanced behaviour whether it is caused by MH or selfishness. Longer term, of course he has to deal with this situation.

This is out of character for my friend so I'm leaning towards a MH issue. She has been anxious throughout and had several private scans due to unsubstantiated concerns about baby's health. I have messaged and asked her if she's spoken to her GP.

She references different cultures around the world where new mums stay in the house for a month or more and do not leave or have visitors etc while they bond with the baby. She doesn't seem particularly paranoid or delusional although she was very weepy when I criticized her.

She said DSD will be welcome once the baby has had initial vaccinations and in fact all visitors will be told that they can visit after this time

PetalMettle Thanks for providing that insight and I'm so sorry you had pregnancy anxiety

custardcreamplease sounds horrific but almost seems as if it is better your ex is out of your lives sad

I think ADishBestEatenCold it Haybales responses are perfect. I think she needs to see just how awful she is being and reminding her that causing family resentment will damage her child much more than a cold is a good idea, might make her think. Kids love older children, to get recognition from a cool big sister will mean the world to baby, my children worship their older cousins and she needs to be nurturing the relationship, for her own child's fault as much as dsd!

I felt very anxious towards the end of my last pregnancy, everything felt like a threat particularly my house that wasn't spotless and my own kids who had illness after illness. I do get how she feels and I do get the mh route. BUT you cannot indulge your fears if it means harming an innocent child. There is no excuse for that especially as she is obviously aware it isn't a nice way to behave

I had a HV who tried telling me I shouldn't let my 4 yo daughter go anywhere near my newborn as she had a cold! I told her I wasn't allowing kisses but I wasn't going to stop her talking to her and stroking her hair etc. She actually told me I 'must' because it could be deadly!! And then went on to say my son should be made to wash his hands before coming anywhere near her

Initial vaccinations? Which ones? The 8 week vaccines? 12 week ones or 16 weeks?
Or will she wait for the 12 month ones?

My point being, she will forever have an excuse. If she isn't able to be around an inncocent child when her baby is protected the most (inside her) then she will go completely doo lally when her pfb is actually here.

She needs to discuss it with her MW because the quicker it's addressed the better. The MW will have good advice and possibly signal her in the right direction.

Fuck other cultures and all that other bullshit, you will find whatever your looking for on the internet. She needs to talk to her MW about it and get professional input.

If she declines to bring it up with her MW the it's because she knows full well she is being a totally selfish delusional human being.

Experiencing mental health issues is not a get out of jail card to treat people in a horrible way that could have lasting potential psychological consequences, especially a young child.

How cruel. I want to cry for that poor little girl.

This is every child's deepest fear made real: when the new baby comes I will be pushed out. Your friend's baby will have her daddy there every day; this is a child who doesn't get to live with her daddy. To push her away when she needs reassurance the most will damage the child for life.

I'd imagine the child's mother will go absolutely bat shit, which. You can fully understand.
Your friend is just creating problems by putting a wedge between this little girl and her new baby.
She's beyond deluded if she thinks. You can push a child's nose out and not face and repercussions or resentment.