To distance myself from pregnant friend due to way she treats step-daugther

[Eastie77]

Close friend is pregnant with her first child. She has a 6 year old step daughter. She has never had any problems with DSD that I'm aware of and they've always had a good relationship. DSD visits regularly.

A couple of weeks ago we went out for lunch. She said she has become quite anxious as her pregnancy has progressed and is worried about something happening to the baby. As a result she has told her DH that she does not want her DSD to visit for the remainder of her pregnancy or be around when baby is born for the first few months as she wants to create a' cocoon' for the 3 of them. She asked me to tell her truthfully what I thought of this. I replied that I imagined her DSD would be devastated that she cannot see her dad or new sibling. At this point friend began to cry. I apologized for upsetting her. Lunch ended, hugged her goodbye although she still looked quite upset.

Later in the week she sent me a message stating that she had thought about my comment but decided to stick to her guns and had instructed her DH to tell daughter she cannot visit (he can go to visit her but friend does not want him to go too often as she has no family support and doesn’t want to be on her own for a whole weekend). She said she had spoken about the situation with another friend of ours who had told her that her feelings were 100% natural as when you are pregnant you become a lioness who just wants to protect her cub or something along those lines . She went on to add that I shouldn’t judge until I’ve walked in her shoes. I have 2 small DC (no step children) but she seemed to be suggesting that as I didn’t suffer from anxiety during either of my pregnancies I don’t know how she feels. I actually was quite anxious at times but that’s a different story. I didn’t reply to the message or any subsequent ones and I know she is upset about this.

I’m probably projecting but I have a mental image of a 6 year old girl crying and traumatized as she suddenly can’t visit her dad. I want to support friend during her pregnancy, I’m sorry she’s suffering from anxiety but I’m horrified at her behaviour and cannot bring myself to contact her .

Give her a copy of Hansel and Gretel as a baby shower present.

I'll probably get flamed but I sort of get some of how she feels although her solution to it is clearly wrong. I was quite anxious when DD was born (first healthy pregnancy after 3 miscarriages) and did worry about DSC passing bugs on when she was very little. But I would never have dreamt of excluding them, apart from the damage that would've done to DSC it would have devastated my DH that I could feel like that about his DC. Is your friend not worried about damaging her marriage OP? I could never look at someone the same again if they'd rejected my child like that.

My feelings faded pretty quickly once DD was here and before long I was bloody grateful they were there to occupy her sometimes so I could get on with stuff or have a cuppa I really hope her DH can find a way to sort this before the baby arrives, if it is a MH issue he needs to get her some help before a little girl gets badly hurt in the fallout

She sounds hideously selfish. What a vile thing to suggest. I hope she takes on board your suggestion to speak to a GP or midwife.

She either needs mental help fast,or telling what a selfish bitch she is being.
She shouldn't have got involved with someone with a child then if she was going to pull that stunt.

*Your friend is obviously having a tough time - so the first thing you do is ask MN if you can legitimately ditch her? I'm glad you're not my 'friend'.

There are some truly vile people on this thread. Calling a clearly struggling woman a revolting nasty bitch? Take a look in the mirror.*

Think what a tough time the SD could have with this woman for a stepmother.

Fucking cocoon. She's a twat.

How horrible for the DSD :(
My DSD was heavily involved in every element, used to talk into my tummy and when DD was born, DSD spent hours in hospital holding her new sister and helping out, it has helped them have an amazing bond.

Poor poor DSD in your friend's case.

People are being way too harsh on the DH here. The way she's treating him is tantamount to emotional abuse: My friend owns the house they live in which is also a factor I think as she has hinted that she has the right to decide who stays in her home or cocoon as she insists on calling it.

What are his options? He keeps the peace and gets to see his baby every day and visit his older child when he likes, and hopefully his DW's attitude softens over time. Or he puts his foot down, which could work or could get him kicked out of his home and having limited access to his baby. It's a difficult situation.

@ADishBestEatenCold I think the text you have suggested is absolutely the correct thing to say. Couldn't agree more.

Please show her this thread!!!!!

Also, please update us!

I'd poibnt out bluntly that her behaviour is abhorrent and that if it stems from her anxiety it is not normal and she needs help. Something along the lines of:

You know I care about you and wish to support you, but I cannot support you in this and I cannot pretend I think it is OK. DSD is a fact of your dh's life and of your baby's life, and therefore of your life. Your actions stand to destroy a father-daughter relationship, ruin a little girl's security and trust in relationships for years to come, prevent a potentially lovely bond between siblings and destroy your own relationship, as your dh will inevitably resent you for putting him in this intensely painful position. This will damage your baby due to damage to the relationship with his/her father.

It is not normal to exclude a child from her normal contact with her father due to your anxiety. If you are worried about health, know that contact with his/her sister will help build your baby's immune system. Many, many babies grow up with older siblings happily and healthily. It is not healthy for anyone involved to create a 'cocoon' to the exclusion of vital relationships in your new family's life. Do not forget that your DSD has a legal and moral right to a relationship with her father.

Please be honest with yourself. If it is really your anxiety driving this behaviour, please confide in your midwife and/or GP and get help. If you won't seek help and reconsider, I'm afraid I cannot promise to 'not think badly' of you, as a continuation of this behaviour will lead me to think very badly of you indeed.
I am sorry to be so blunt about this, but what you are proposing is awful and I am very worried about your DSD and, because I believe this is out of character, about you.

You need to be blunt and ask if she would have excluded her own kids. Also, make it very clear that you don't think this is normal protective behaviour & to see the GP. Pnd that shows up before the baby is born is often the most serious and if anything she's the one in danger of harming her baby.

Op turn it back to her and how she would like her on child treated in same circumstances.
Or send her a personalised book of fairy tales.... With her name in for the wicked stepmum

I think its more likely to be what others have already suggested, jealousy this is not DHs first child. I know of people who have felt that way while pregnant but never acted on it like your friend. I think she is being vile too and could never be friends with someone like that. Her DH is a total twat too if he goes along with it.

I have a good relationship with my Children's stepmother but if she was to try that one, I'd be fucking livid! I hope her DH point blank refuses to entertain the idea. Because I certainly wouldn't be letting ExDH see the DCs afterwards, when it's 'convenient'. Children are not toys you can pick up and put down and walk away from whenever it suits you/because a new child is joining the throes. They have feelings. It affects them. She's a twat.

It sounds like you have some influence with her, OP. If she knows that she risks losing your friendship then perhaps she could be persuaded to behave differently. I would send a message saying you're sorry to have upset her but you feel strongly that this isn't right. Remind her how she'll feel when her unborn baby is a 6yo.

Could you approach her DH and say you're worried about your friend's mental health?

As your friend is not normally a twat, I'd wonder what was hoong on mentally for her. Can you suggest she talk to her GP or MW re this? It might penetrate her paranoia if she hears the truth from a professional. I hope this is addressed soon especially for the sake of her poor SD.

She's either ill or a selfish cow. If it's the latter I expect the father won't hang around for long.

Don't distance yourself. Stick around to remind her what a complete cow she is being. Don't stop telling her what you think. Someone needs to make her see sense.

Well done to those who've provided reasoned responses. The majority of these responses are absolutely disgusting to someone with mental health issues they can't control.
I had pregnancy anxiety, it's not "hormones" it's Recognised that it occurs. I spent every day convinced I was going to lose my child, or that I already had and didn't know. It was really tough.
Obviously there's another person at stake here, and a child to boot, so I think some of the more rational responses you've had are the way to go - encourage her to seek help to find a way that her step daughter can be part of the new baby's life e.g. An assurance that the Sd won't come over if she's unwell, a promise she will wash her hands as soon as she arrives etc.

I think it sounds like antenatal depression/anxiety since it's out of character. Her fears seem to centre around the baby being harmed which is also the main symptom of prenatal OCD. She needs to see her midwife.

I'd suggest shes having some sore of psychosis or break down. Next step is imagining the DSD will physically harm her baby.

My ex adores our daughter but he made one, monumental fuck-up when his new child was born. He came to collect DD but asked if I coyld keep her over the Bank Holiday (his day) to give him, his wife and their new baby time to bond as a family. In front of DD. I'm not sure I've ever felt so angry. Oh, except years later when he took wife and now two new babies on holiday without DD because she was in school. However, she was a lot older then and was incredibly upset. He was quite taken aback and I'd like to think he'd never do it again.

Your friend is a cock.

Poor little girl. I hope you manage to get through to your friend. How anyone else could advise her that it's ok and normal to feel like a "lioness" and to counsel her to exclude her dsd is beyond me.

Have you spoken to this mutual friend to see what they say?

PetalMettle, I don't think this should be conceded to or pussyfooted around, even if it is anxiety (and believe me, I know from first-hand experience how awful AN and PN anxiety is). Of course it would be natural for her not to come for contact if she is ill when there is a newborn in the house (or anyway, I should think, assuming a typical EOW arrangement), and handwashing is a sensible thing for anyone to do before touching or holding a newborn. But I think providing a list of 'assurances' beforehand may encourage her to push for more, and more. She needs to be reassured that normal, sensible precautions will be taken, that would be taken anyway (i.e. if she wasn't feeling anxious). But that's all. A pregnant/post-natal mother's feelings are important, but those of a child are more important, and I think it's inadvisable at this stage for the dh to give her any other message. It may well be that she is genuinely anxious but would also quite like to establish her child as no. 1 with the dh. Some of her language and behaviour (hinting about her dh's status with the house - which would inspire a chorus of LTBs if the sexes were reversed -, the talk of 'cocoons') rather indicates that.

I wonder if she'll want a second child. Will she send her first born to stay away to protect her second baby because of infection and disruption? Will she fuck.

No, she is being a selfish shellfish, even if she is anxious. She is making sure her baby has centre stage while her dh's child is pushed aside. This is about territory.

I wouldn't be able to go along with her shit either OP...I can't think of single friend of mine I would sit back and agree with over this jealous, petty and frankly, deeply unpleasant proposal. She'd hear it from me and if that meant a fall out then so be it. That she could be so self-centred and cold would mean I wouldn't miss her as a friend in the long run anyway.