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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To distance myself from pregnant friend due to way she treats step-daugther

230 replies

Eastie77 · 13/09/2017 22:58

Close friend is pregnant with her first child. She has a 6 year old step daughter. She has never had any problems with DSD that I'm aware of and they've always had a good relationship. DSD visits regularly.

A couple of weeks ago we went out for lunch. She said she has become quite anxious as her pregnancy has progressed and is worried about something happening to the baby. As a result she has told her DH that she does not want her DSD to visit for the remainder of her pregnancy or be around when baby is born for the first few months as she wants to create a' cocoon' for the 3 of them. She asked me to tell her truthfully what I thought of this. I replied that I imagined her DSD would be devastated that she cannot see her dad or new sibling. At this point friend began to cry. I apologized for upsetting her. Lunch ended, hugged her goodbye although she still looked quite upset.

Later in the week she sent me a message stating that she had thought about my comment but decided to stick to her guns and had instructed her DH to tell daughter she cannot visit (he can go to visit her but friend does not want him to go too often as she has no family support and doesn’t want to be on her own for a whole weekend). She said she had spoken about the situation with another friend of ours who had told her that her feelings were 100% natural as when you are pregnant you become a lioness who just wants to protect her cub or something along those lines Confused. She went on to add that I shouldn’t judge until I’ve walked in her shoes. I have 2 small DC (no step children) but she seemed to be suggesting that as I didn’t suffer from anxiety during either of my pregnancies I don’t know how she feels. I actually was quite anxious at times but that’s a different story. I didn’t reply to the message or any subsequent ones and I know she is upset about this.

I’m probably projecting but I have a mental image of a 6 year old girl crying and traumatized as she suddenly can’t visit her dad. I want to support friend during her pregnancy, I’m sorry she’s suffering from anxiety but I’m horrified at her behaviour and cannot bring myself to contact her Sad.

OP posts:
Changednamejustincase · 13/09/2017 23:50

She is not a nice person. I would not want to know her.

misshelena · 13/09/2017 23:53

Ugh, what a nasty woman. The poor DSD. And double poor for having such a spineless Dad.

Nothing you can do. I would drop the friend.

lalalalyra · 13/09/2017 23:56

The fact you mentioned she's cutting her DM and DMIL out as well makes it sound more ill health / paranoia than cutting out his past to focus on their shiny new family tbh

Rainbowqueeen · 13/09/2017 23:56

I'd also try the GP route. Ask her what the GP thinks. Ahs her what she will do if she feels the same way on pregnancy number 2. Will she be shunting her first born off to stay elsewhere for months on end or will she seek some help for her own issues?

Does she know that women who live in war zones still manage to give birth to healthy babies?? Does she think all the babies born in the UK during WW! and WW2 were damaged?

Handsfull13 · 13/09/2017 23:58

I'd comfort her in her anxiety but point out her poor DSD will lose a change to bond with baby aswell. And this could actually make her resent her new sibling or become even more over excited when she does finally get to meet the baby.
Unless she is planning to never let her DSD be part of their new family unit she is actually going to harm their bonds.
I agree with pp she needs to talk it over with midwife and DH to find a happy medium.

ittakes2 · 14/09/2017 00:01

Sounds like she is trying to get her hubby to put their child first. How very sad. That would affect my friendship with her too as I would question her moral compass. Hopefully after the birth she might come to her senses.

EamonnWright · 14/09/2017 00:02

Why is the dad getting any abuse here? He's being put in a shite situation by this woman. If he refuses she seems the type to cut him out of his new kids life. He's on a loser no matter what.

He's the only unreasonable person and other shite 🙄

The only fuckknuckle is the Ops friend.

HPandBaconSandwiches · 14/09/2017 00:07

Dear friend

I'm extremely worried about you and ask you to please seek help with your anxiety from your doctor.
It is NOT normal to fear infections and older siblings to this extent. This is paranoia. Children are born all the time with older siblings and those older siblings do not get sent away for months to protect the growing baby.

You will hate yourself once you are well for this if you follow through with ostracising your stepdaughter. This little 6 year old is your family now, refusing her access to her dad and sibling will create lifelong problems for her and have an enormous impact on the sibling relationship. When your child is 6 you will be horrified you even considered this.

The whole concept is so out of character for you, I refuse to believe you could be so dreadfully cruel unless you are really very unwell. This can happen a lot in pregnancy and the feelings can feel very real, but it's an illness.

Please, get some help. I'm here for you.

Hmmalittlefishy · 14/09/2017 00:10

She may well be a mumsnetter - ice read loads of threads about posters insisting everyone is kept away from their newborn for an unspecified amount of time but not heard it related to a dsd
She does sound like she is struggling with her mental health. Encourage her or her dh to speak to her midwife or her health visitor if they do a pre birth visit.
I would say that I understand her concerns but dsd is old enough to wash her hands and sit nicely near the baby and needs to be part of the family and then speak to midwife /hv etc

JWrecks · 14/09/2017 00:11

I don't think you necessarily need to distance yourself, but I'm with you that I think it's rather cruel of her to cut her DSD out of the family. Perhaps, as she has continued to communicate, and even to say things like "please don't think badly of me", you can still reason with her about this? As you said, using a conciliatory tone, and seeing things from DSD's perspective?

She IS cutting her DSD out of the family by doing this, and the poor thing NEEDS, particularly right now, to know that she is indeed still part of the family! Surely her DSD understands what her pregnancy means, and she is probably even already terrified that the new baby will "take her place" and all of the other things that children fear (but don't always articulate!) when a new baby comes into the picture. What your friend is doing by asking for DSD to be excluded at this time is cementing those nightmares into reality for the poor girl. That's terribly sad, and the poor girl will be terrified and hurt.

I hope her DH will put his foot down and refuse this cruel request.

Hmmalittlefishy · 14/09/2017 00:12

It sounds like your friend needs you although I agree with what you said to her. Don't shut her out or call her some of the horrible names people have on here

Trunkisareshite · 14/09/2017 00:21

Christ!

Try asking her if she is to have another child where she will be sending this one when baby number two is born? Maybe that would put what she's suggesting into context?

Assuming she's not mentally unwell and actually thinks this is a reasonable way to behave I think you have to be completely straight with her. She shouldn't be having a child with someone who is already a parent. Poor little girl!

ADishBestEatenCold · 14/09/2017 00:23

"but her messages to me since have been along the lines of 'don't think badly of me' etc"

Perhaps you should respond in detail, really pointing out what she is doing. Along the lines of:

It is not a case of thinking badly of you or otherwise. Unfortunately I don't think it's that simple. What you are proposing is not only potentially damaging to your 6 year old step-daughter's relationships with her father, with you and with her own baby brother or sister, your child, but is also potentially damaging to the child herself. Permanently so. As a mother, I find it utterly abhorrent that someone would consider treating a little girl in this way and, while I am so sorry that your pregnancy is being blighted with anxiety in this way, I have got to admit that the mum in me will struggle to be with you and discuss your plans. I urge you to at least discuss this with your doctor and pregnancy health care team.

What I've written sounds quite shocking, but what she is proposing is shocking too, so it might get through to her.

EamonnWright · 14/09/2017 00:23

It's jealousy. I used to go out with a woman who actually asked me not to mention my kids. I thought she was joking but she wasn't. It's because the child reminds her of the fellas ex.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/09/2017 00:26

If one of my friends starting acting this way I would be deeply concerned. There are severe conditions that can arise in pregnancy and post. Paranoid, delusional conditions.

And please don't call her a bitch, cunt or any of the awful names she has been called on here. I know you wouldn't!

It may be that she is being selfish or a terrible person. But this far out of character and rejecting the GPs as well? Sounds like a serious MH issue.

Charolais · 14/09/2017 00:30

She’s pushing her husband’s child out to insert her own her place. I’ve seen this before but with much older children.

steff13 · 14/09/2017 00:56

What happens if she has a second child? Is she going to send the first kid away to preserve the calm environment for the second one? What does she think other people with multiple biological kids do?

I hope she emerges from her cocoon as a decent human being.

emmyrose2000 · 14/09/2017 01:06

What a revolting, vile, nasty bitch. There's no way I could continue being friends with such a disgusting person, and I'd tell her exactly why.

Trying to pass it off as hormones is such a cop out. These are her true colours coming through. She's trying to make her husband choose between his children. No decent human being would do that. She's clearly not a decent human being. If her husband goes along with this insanity, then he's not decent either.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/09/2017 01:15

I'd be very blunt. I'd remind her that this is her first pregnancy, but not the first child in her life NOR her DH's first child. Children are not disposable and DSD is part of their family. It's a cocoon (vomit) of FOUR, not three. Tell her if she can't see that she needs to go & get help because it's not fair on her DSD or DH. You & he cannot let her do this to that little girl who is already going to have to share her Daddy with a baby that gets to live with her Daddy. She's going to make it really really difficult if she's allowed to act like this. Babies don't need complete silence to 'settle' or say of that nonsense.

CoughLaughFart · 14/09/2017 01:24

Your friend is obviously having a tough time - so the first thing you do is ask MN if you can legitimately ditch her? I'm glad you're not my 'friend'.

There are some truly vile people on this thread. Calling a clearly struggling woman a revolting nasty bitch? Take a look in the mirror.

Alisvolatpropiis · 14/09/2017 01:35

She is deliberately excluding a 6 year old child, who was part of the deal when she struck up a relationship with that little girl's father.

I have very limited sympathy for the grown adult, of the two.

Alisvolatpropiis · 14/09/2017 01:38

This happens all the time in set ups where the step parent doesn't have a child, becomes part of the step child's world and then goes on to have their first, more common with women than men in my experience. But step child becoming an inconvenience once their first biological child is on the way is pretty common, sadly.

silverbell64 · 14/09/2017 01:45

He's taking this seriously? If men were the ones that had the babies and I was the one with a previous daughter. I wouldn't recover from this and the relationship would become pretty rocky to say the least.

Dustbunny1900 · 14/09/2017 01:52

Revoltingly cruel and cold, something straight out of a grimms fairy tale. Banishing a mother in law is not even in the same realm as cutting out a six year old child from her own parent, sibling, and home.
I've seen this before , with my own sister. Perfectly fine with the child until their own comes into the picture and then they turn it into "game of thrones: my child deserves all the attention and the other one needs to disappear"
If it's indeed mental illness I hope it's addressed right quick

DiscoDiva70 · 14/09/2017 01:54

Coughlaughfart
You say there are some truly vile people on this thread, do you not think that what the OP's friend intends to do is not vile? Hmm

I agree with emmyrose about the so called hormones being an excuse. I don't believe for one minute that she's really worried about infections. I believe she wants her child to be the sole focus of her dp's attention (because she's jealous of the fact he has already got a child) and I think this is the start of how she means to go on, her child comes first with dsd pushed out.
She is being absolutely vile.