Update - missed Grammar School application

[sososocross]

So many people have kindly sent pm and a couple of update threads have been started so I wanted to update.

Firstly I really want to thank you all for your help and kindness. I was in a state and without you all I would have lost the plot. You women rule 🏅

Update: They are not letting him do the test and I have told DS. I made the choice to tell him in a vague way and simply stated that something had gone wrong and his application had not been received. I will not lie to him if he asks for more details at a later date, but I couldn't take away his chosen school and his image of his dad in one cruel swoop.

He cried and asked me to sort it out, and I told him I had tried and couldn't. I told him my alternate plans and he relaxed. I also told him I would be coming home early 2x per week from here on, and we would work together on homework, extra study or whatever he chose. If he wants to register for the 12 or 13 plus I will do all I can to assist him. Then we watched guardians of the galaxy and had big cuddle up on the sofa.

So that's where we are.

I am sorry to those I irritated by deleting the thread, I was very worried about the daily mail and any come back. I hope you understand I was having a crisis and listed inappropriate details which could identify my son on the thread.

Please don't mention school details on this thread as I'd rather it all remain anonymous for his sake.

Thanks again for all the kindness, it meant the world to me.

I'm so sorry there wasn't a way to overcome your DH's twattery

That said, I think you've handled the situation admirably. Your DS is lucky to have such a strong and determined mother.

Your DH on the other hand is, quite frankly, lucky not to be booted out the door.

This pitiful woe is me act (which is common in people who continually mess up anything that is not a priority to them) is specifically designed to divert attention from the fuck up, so instead everyone starts to "worry" about them, eventually cajoling them back from their misery by saying things like "don't worry, these things happen" and "don't beat yourself up about it, it's not the end of the world".

The focus is then magically on making the useless fickwit feel better by absolving them of their cock up......It's a well used tactic.

Truth is, some things can't be put right and frankly can't be forgiven and there comes a point where this "I'm suffering, I feel so bad, you need to feel sorry for me" act simply won't cut it.

It's childlike behaviour, crying because you got caught out. Your DH needs to start, as a first step, stop being Mr Pitiful and own what he's done (to you at least).

sososocross did you post on the elevenplusexams.co.uk website forum for your county? There are so many knowledgeable people on there.

Good luck, I too am in awe of your handling if this.

Holy fuck, I cannot believe he's still making it all about him. He's an absolute cuntweasel op

You have handled this so bloody well, your DS is so, so lucky to have you. I feel so sorry for him, what an awful blow. But you're doing exactly the right thing painting this as a good opportunity.

I feel for you, I really do

Darth - thanks for all your advice and support on Monday. Yes,

"Truth is, some things can't be put right and frankly can't be forgiven and there comes a point where this "I'm suffering, I feel so bad, you need to feel sorry for me" act simply won't cut it"

This is one of those times. I sorted the lost airline tickets, the lost jobs, the late tax return, the car running out of petrol etc etc etc but this is too much. Fuck him.

Ah yes. I deeply suspected he had form.

I would forgive a one off mistake that resulted in profuse apologies, attempts at compensation and excellent thoughtful behaviour going forwards.

Constant inconsiderate ass-hattery like that would result in divorce. He is utterly selfish and thoughtless and you've blatantly been covering all his mistakes so far, so he never takes an iota of responsibility. What a man

I think you should let your son know the real reason - not right now but perhaps in a few weeks?

Otherwise you'll have twatbadger happily taking/sharing the credit for your ds's achievements even though he did bugger all to help him.
Plus, it's better if your son knows which parent he can truly trust and rely on to look after his best interests.

Thinking about this a bit more, I feel that sometimes in a relationship there is an event that occurs that irrevocably changes how you perceive your partner.

It's not always a big issue in itself, but it can create a seismic shift in your feelings towards that person.

For me, it was a throw away comment with my exP (long term relationship, thankfully not married) when he said "when we have kids I want them to look like you but have my brain and personality" . I'm pretty sure you can guess what conclusions I drew from that and refusing to be a incubator for "his" progeny I left him a few months later. He was shocked that one sentence was "so" important in deciding the fate of our relationship, but it was like the scales falling off my eyes and suddenly all the other niggles about his selfishness, attitude to my career etc that I'd been "boxing up" suddenly all took on a new level of significance in the context of that comment. Overnight he became a "different person" to me and one I didn't much like - I too felt emotionally numb towards him and for me there was no going back.

I'm not saying LTB, but I do think, when you are ready, that you might need to think about how you will be able to redefine your relationship going forward. I don't think you can brush this under the carpet and just move on (not that I'm suggesting you intend to do so). Maybe some counselling is needed, especially for your DH to start to understand the gravity of his actions (the lying, the expecting you to rescue the situation, the woe is me act etc).

Regarding DH, I just feel nothing really.

Anger but not white hot shouty anger, a calm disappointment and rage. This morning he was utterly exhausted after a hard night catching up on sport on TV and self pity. He said "I'm in a big hurry do you mind if I don't bring you a cup of tea?' and I replied "Do what you want, but making that tea each day is the only thing you do for me" and he scurried off and made tea. But it's true. He is hilarious, and very tall and handsome and superficially extremely kind (making tea in bed etc) but I had a seriously fucked up childhood and I think my standards are very low. His DP are alcoholics so he has no blueprint. I thought we could graft our kids way into respectable society but incidents like this make me doubt our family unit's strength.

I will never see my DC neglected or uncared for and probably over worry about them but it hasn't done any harm so far. I am so very proud of them.

Your son sounds lovely and a real credit to you. With such a great work ethic he will no doubt go far no matter what school he attends.

@DartmoorDoughnut can I just congratulate you on 'twatbadger' 😂

I guess when he realises you are not falling over your feet to make him feel better he will lash out and try and tell you it was your fault, really.

Darth - yes - the lie and the 'I'm sure you'll sort it" did it for me.

The thing is, I am sure I am partially to blame for how he is. We met very young and have always been the "rescuer". He could have a his pick of women, honestly I am told daily how lucky I am to have such a wonderful man - he's there at the school gate, the swimming, etc. So handsome and funny. Always there with a compliment and perfectly timed witty aside. But when it comes to the big things I am 'mum' and he hasn't grown up at all. :(

banana we could run a book on this. You've nabbed "blame soso"

I am betting he'll go for the 'look it all worked out for the best, clever me" angle.

Anymore bets?

I understand that "cold" anger. I'm not surprised.

From what you've said he's become used to you being his "safety net". He never really has to take responsibility fully, because if something goes wrong he "knows" you will pull out all the stops to address it.

Being the family "fixer" must be exhausting. It's not something I've experienced but I can't help thinking I'd feel on edge waiting for the next crisis .

It's probably why he his so pitiful now - because for the first time his actions have real consequences. He's never really had to deal with that before I expect.

Maybe it's something you can't get past or perhaps it's an opportunity to redefine your relationship. That's something only you can consider in time.

I'm so sorry you are in this position.

However, it's clear that whatever the state of your marriage you've done a cracking job at parenting. Your DS sounds mature, sensible, focused and kind. Don't lose sight of that

I've said this before a thousand times on MN. But isn't it funny how men are somehow superhuman and wonderful and amazing for doing normal parenting-type stuff, and women are just expected to get on with it.

That helplessness and lack of maturity and expectation that someone else (you) will fix everything is so bloody unattractive in a partner, isn't it?

I'm a sad for you that it didn't work out soso but you've handled this brilliantly and your DS sounds like he has the determination and resilience to succeed regardless of this school. I'm not surprised by how you feel towards your H.

Thanks so much for updating. You have been in my thoughts. I actually felt quite weepy at imagining that conversation with your son. I am so sorry. You have shown him how to respond to difficulties and you've shown him your rock steady support. Wonderful.

In relation to the husband; my husband was in and out of foster care his whole childhood and was abused badly by his mother for many years. He had no father. He has no blueprint for parenting either. My husband can be a terrible husband and has let me down quite an bit, but (and this is where it's relevant) his kids are 100% his priority. He would move heaven and earth for them. I can forgive him a lot because of this. This is the way round I would prefer it. Not having a blueprint is no excuse for your man. He needs to bloody step up. He can't forget the important things for your son. It's unforgivable.

I've said this before a thousand times on MN. But isn't it funny how men are somehow superhuman and wonderful and amazing for doing normal parenting-type stuff, and women are just expected to get on with it.

@BananaBottom - absolutely it's the whole "wife work" concept isn't it. I'm blessed apparently because my DH irons his own shirts and DS's school shirts at the same time . If only sainthood could be so easily achieved by me cleaning DS's sweaty sports kit/rugby boots etc etc

Sorry - bold fail on first para which was a quote from @BananaBottom

Concise - I agree and this has not happened where DC have been let down before - it's changed how I feel

Banana - yes - it takes very little to be a fantastic dad or a terrible mum

Strange how I got caught up in your problem OP, like so many others.

I am so relieved you have dealt with it so well on behalf of your son, it was very moving to read your update. I was worried that your anger and distress might spill over but you have managed to park it to deal with it separately as much as you can. In the meantime you have made the future seem so positive for son as I am sure it is. He sounds such a lovely boy, and you sound a great mum, as so many others have said.

Though it was a really shocking and distressing thing to happen, probably a lot got realised in the process - about your boy, your DH and life in general. This is how it goes in life sometimes, though often extremely hard to bear sometimes; been there, and got quite a few t-shirts.

Thanks for the update OP.

You sound like a great mum. Your DS is obviously your priority at the moment. I am sure he will thrive whatever school he ends up at, and there is something to be said for being a bigger fish in a small pond.

HOWEVER when the dust has settled can I ask you to get over to the Relationships board here and seriously consider your relationship with your DH. He really does sound like the worst kind of "incompetent husband". I made the mistake of holding on to a failing relationship with a man like this for far too long, hoping he would change. They never do. My mental health suffered badly as a result. I wish I had got out earlier and not wasted those years on him.

Yes, it's been 3 days that felt like 3 years tbh.

Thanks for your update. I've been reading your threads and wondering about your DS.

This could be the making of him and with your support and input it all sounds really good for DS.

I don't know if I could move on from this with DH especially if he had form. Sounds like a giant man baby. Where's the responsibility?

You are obviously a magnificent human being.