Update - missed Grammar School application

[sososocross]

So many people have kindly sent pm and a couple of update threads have been started so I wanted to update.

Firstly I really want to thank you all for your help and kindness. I was in a state and without you all I would have lost the plot. You women rule 🏅

Update: They are not letting him do the test and I have told DS. I made the choice to tell him in a vague way and simply stated that something had gone wrong and his application had not been received. I will not lie to him if he asks for more details at a later date, but I couldn't take away his chosen school and his image of his dad in one cruel swoop.

He cried and asked me to sort it out, and I told him I had tried and couldn't. I told him my alternate plans and he relaxed. I also told him I would be coming home early 2x per week from here on, and we would work together on homework, extra study or whatever he chose. If he wants to register for the 12 or 13 plus I will do all I can to assist him. Then we watched guardians of the galaxy and had big cuddle up on the sofa.

So that's where we are.

I am sorry to those I irritated by deleting the thread, I was very worried about the daily mail and any come back. I hope you understand I was having a crisis and listed inappropriate details which could identify my son on the thread.

Please don't mention school details on this thread as I'd rather it all remain anonymous for his sake.

Thanks again for all the kindness, it meant the world to me.

[ShatnersWig]

OP you are a bloody brilliant parent. Truly. I can't find the words for the twatbadger and what I think his fate should be.

[Badders08]

Your ds will be fine because he has you for a mother.
He will meet his potential whichever school he goes too.

[AdalindSchade]

SOso your ds sounds amazing. I had a little cry when I read your posts about telling him (I am pre menstrual, ill and I have a ds and a useless ex so maybe projecting but still) you are an amazing, wonderful mum.

Solidarity on the parenting your partner. I can tell you there gets a point where you just can't be fucked any more. My ex has given me genuine anxiety which I have never had before because he fucks up so often that I just expect disasters at all times.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Your DS knows you are the family sorter outer. You told him. Dad is having a meltdown.

If I were you DS I would assume you had fucked up and Dad is dreadfully upset with you on his behalf.

I'd be careful about what you DH chooses to let DS believe when they talk about it.

They must have talked about it? DH does the clubs etc so surely they have time to talk?

Watch your back.

[sososocross]

AdalindSchade - I have anxiety and predict disasters all the time so am constantly preparing for the worse and double checking everything. It's exhausting.

[steppemum]

soso, I cannot say how sad your threads have made me over the last few days.
I agree that sometimes there is a moment when trust/love/something is broken.

I honestly don't know what the way back from that is.

It is too simplistic to say LTB, you have 22 years together and it woudl be traumatic for so many reasons to end it.
On the other hand how you rebuild I don't know.

I think you cold anger and disappointment are actually in many ways a much deeper form of let down anger that is harder to come back from.
I also think you are in shock. This has been a traumatic event. I am not catastrophising, but it has been an awful time.
The only piece of advice I would have is don't make a hasty decision. You need to allow yourself time to adjust and recover and then to look to the future

[NoSquirrels]

Thank you for updating, soso.

You sound brilliant. It made me well up to think of that conversation with your DS. You are absolutely right not to have said even a word about his father's involvement. Some things should not be the concern of the child.

He'll do well wherever he goes, it seems clear he's a self-starter with great home support from you.

You and your H though will need to find a way forward. I think I'd be insisting on counselling, tbh.

[villainousbroodmare]

You are a lioness.

[Waddlelikeapenguin]

Thank you for updating but so sorry to read that there wasnt a magic solution for your son or at the very least a DH who has learned his lesson

[TingTradition]

... and though its wonderful how you've held things together SoSo, perhaps you need a break ... don't neglect yourself in the process.

[diddl]

If there is a sports acadamy nearby that might always have been the best option anyway.

Even with the extra work he might not have got in.

At least there are still chances for him & that wasn't his one & only.

How lovely he sounds to say that he has enjoyed the work & not to scream that it has all been a waste of time.

You sound so fantastic not to have disillusioned him about his dad.

Don't blame yourself-iirc, your husband still had time to get the application in when you asked him about it.

[Bekabeech]

I would also look for sports clubs for his chosen sport. That is often the best route to higher levels. EG. the youngsters who are really good at Cricket near me all play for the better local clubs, and that matters far more than school.

[ohfourfoxache]

Soso can I suggest that perhaps your anxiety is worsened because your husband is a disorganised, lying tosser?

Perhaps if he took more responsibility then your symptoms may ease a little.

[sososocross]

Bekabeech - He attends a local club and loves it.

[DartmoorDoughnut]

@TheDodgyEnd - it's a fab insult isn't it no idea where I first heard it but it seems apt!

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I'm so glad you told your DS. I know it was DH's task to do but the way you handled it (and handle things generally) was massively more likely to prevent more harm.

Regarding DH, I just feel nothing really. That was when my first marriage was over. Cold, bland, unemotional contempt. It's a horrible feeling and my marriage didn't survive. I felt total relief when I did split up with him and thought, "you're not my problem any more". So if you don't want that, there will be lots of work. If you do, might be time to start planning.

[sososocross]

offorfox - yes, I know, that was what the massive row was about in June that resulted in him promising to do the admin tasks (works in admin so v capable in this field) then lying and resulting in this situation. FFS! I am taking a step back and reassessing things.

[RubyRed2017]

Can I also just second the poster who said to watch your back on this.

As if things turn nasty your DH may try and blame you for this to DS.

I made the mistake of shielding my kids from their father's bad behaviour, however he had no scruples about lying to them about me when it all went tits up.

[sososocross]

I am very weak when it comes to DH. We've been together 22 years and since we were teenagers, we have done everything together. Giving up feels like giving up all the happiness and joy we have had. We've achieved stuff we had no right to given our childhoods and done it together. Yes, I did 95% of the work but he's always made me laugh and he's shown me 100% loyalty. And I have never been in love with anyone else. And he puts up with all my problems and loves me. Oh fuck it why did he do this. Fuck him.

[Fishface77]

Your my hero op x

[Bobbins43]

Just keep breathing for now, OP. You don't need to make any decisions about relationships just now. Has your DD doing, btw? Has she picked up on any of this?

[peachgreen]

@sososocross Your last post really spoke to me. You obviously do love your DH, despite his (obvious!) flaws - and that's okay. This is a massive, MASSIVE fuck up that he's made here, and it's totally understandable that it's made you so angry, given how much it's hurt your DS. But that doesn't mean your marriage is over. Everyone brings different things to a marriage, and whether we on Mumsnet think it's a fair exchange or not is neither here nor there. He's obviously not practical at all, and having lived with (and left!) someone that I had to "mother", I can completely understand your frustration. But only YOU can decide if that's worth leaving your marriage over. It's okay for it not to be, too.

I'm very anxious and that impacts on my DH's life, and I'm sure he'd much rather I wasn't like that, but thankfully he stays because the good outweighs the bad. It wouldn't for other people, but I'm not married to them so it's okay! What I'm saying is that you may not get the practical support you want from your DH, but if - for YOU - there are positive aspects to your marriage that outweigh that, that's okay.

I think a bigger issue is his lack of remorse and responsibility in facing up to his actions. I'd find that much harder to forgive. But I wonder if (hope!) that's because he feels truly awful about it and hasn't quite got his head around how to admit his own failings just yet. I really hope so - I think an honest and sincere apology, plus a discussion of how to avoid anything like this EVER happening again, would go a long way to making things up to you. He must also acknowledge how terrible and cowardly it was to make you tell DS. And I agree with PPs that some counselling is needed.

Augh, I really feel for you, OP. Horrible situation all round.

[Leavingonajet]

What your DH did was really bad and the way he dealt with it was even worse. You don't need to made any snap decisions about your relationship and maybe some couples counselling would be a good place to start to look at how your relationship works at the movement and how it needs to work if you are to stay together. If your DH is committed to your relationship he should be okay with this. If you both had crap childhoods and have been together a long time some unhelpful ways of functioning together may have built up and need reworking.

[sososocross]

Bobbins - Yes this is what I am trying to do. DD is well, but sad about DS's situation. She made him a pancake this morning, bless her sweet self.

[steppemum]

agree with peach. 22 years is a long time to throw away and it is not impossible to come back from this, but it will take time and work.

I second counselling. It would help for you both to have an outside perspective