Update - missed Grammar School application

[sososocross]

So many people have kindly sent pm and a couple of update threads have been started so I wanted to update.

Firstly I really want to thank you all for your help and kindness. I was in a state and without you all I would have lost the plot. You women rule 🏅

Update: They are not letting him do the test and I have told DS. I made the choice to tell him in a vague way and simply stated that something had gone wrong and his application had not been received. I will not lie to him if he asks for more details at a later date, but I couldn't take away his chosen school and his image of his dad in one cruel swoop.

He cried and asked me to sort it out, and I told him I had tried and couldn't. I told him my alternate plans and he relaxed. I also told him I would be coming home early 2x per week from here on, and we would work together on homework, extra study or whatever he chose. If he wants to register for the 12 or 13 plus I will do all I can to assist him. Then we watched guardians of the galaxy and had big cuddle up on the sofa.

So that's where we are.

I am sorry to those I irritated by deleting the thread, I was very worried about the daily mail and any come back. I hope you understand I was having a crisis and listed inappropriate details which could identify my son on the thread.

Please don't mention school details on this thread as I'd rather it all remain anonymous for his sake.

Thanks again for all the kindness, it meant the world to me.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

AtHomeDad
Really You can't see why the OP might see this as a major breach of trust? It's not like her DH has actually done anything to try to sort his fuck up out is it? Do you realise how demoralising and unattractive it is to have an immature partner (of either sex) who won't take basic responsibility and always wants to be rescued from the centre of the latest drama they have created.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

soso
I would make it very clear to your DH that any attempt to put his feelings at the centre of this situation including pleading with your DS for forgiveness, saying how bad he feels and how much he is hurting, asking DS to effectively make him feel better about his fuck up will be shot down in flames. Quite frankly, his feelings are utterly irrelevant right now.

I think you have handled things superbly and your DS sounds like an impressive young man.

[Oblomov17]

I agree. You have handled this with panache and grace, the like of which I haven't seen in a while.

I am so sorry to hear this. I really thought that Ph47 and the other knowledgeable posters, would get this sorted.

But maybe this is just meant to be? For some unknown reason, that none of us know?

Wishing you and particularly your ds, all the very best.

[twilightcafe]

Your son is lucky to have you. And, quite frankly, so is your husband.

[RiversrunWoodville]

Does Dad know? There seems to be something in my eye at this.
Seriously though to reiterate pps you and your ds are both amazingly strong and you seem to have a lovely relationship. He who shall not be named can sort himself out

[twilightcafe]

Wishing you and your son all the best. the two of you are a credit to each other.

[BellaNoche]

Soso,

You have done brilliantly. You son is a credit to such a wonderful mum and he will thrive with you looking after him.

I'm sorry you didn't get the original outcome that you wanted... but you gave it everything you could.

Plan B sounds perhaps even more promising long term.

Your son will reach his full potential with you and good teachers around him. He will be very proud of his Mum's support and love in years to come.

Pity about his eejit of a father, maybe a Plan C for the longer term?

Hooray for you and well done!

[roundtable]

Thankfully it seems that your ds takes after you and not your dh.

He seems determined to succeed and that will bode well wherever he is.

I look forward to more positive updates in the furniture of your ds's successes. I'm sure he'll do well.

[peachgreen]

You are a lovely Mum OP, your son is lucky to have you. I'm sure this will all somehow work out for the best, one way or another, because you and your DS are strong enough to make the best of it.

[Aeviternity]

We all make mistakes. Sometimes massive ones. Your DH's chance at redemption is in how he handles himself after making the mistake.

Top tips are: apologies. Honesty. Genuine remorse.

Instead he said "you will sort it out", is angry that you will not and has decided not to be up front with his son about it (I agree that a united front is best in the event the offending parent will not be honest.)

My DH and I have been chatting about this scenario, the sort of life-altering what-if where forgiveness is truly difficult.

Ultimately you wouldn't "LTB" over an error. But his behaviour - lying, shirking, blaming, finger-pointing, thinking only of himself and what this error means for HIM, and not his son - those are the qualities he's fucking up with. Those are what are digging him deeper.

It's not easy to openly admit you have made monumental, life-altering mistakes, but bloody hell would you and your son have more respect for him right now if he was doing that.

Instead he sulks, cowers and worries he might end up disadvantaged, playing the victim whilst forgetting your son (and how powerless he must feel) and you (the almighty corrector, currently failing to correct his error and thus this is definitely all your fault, so he believes.)

The mistake won't be his undoing; the cowardice will.

[LadyInDread]

Sorry to hear tgis Soso.

[JaniceBattersby]

sososocross children with parents like you do well. Your son will be great.

There are many people like me who neither grew up in a grammar school area or live in one now who have done really well for themselves. I know it must not feel like it now, but this time next year you son will be at a new school and will be happy and you won't remember what all the fuss was about.

As for your husband, well, forgetting to do something like that is the sort of thing my husband would do. However, when he realised he'd done it he'd be moving heaven and earth to rectify things. I wouldn't have been so upset at your husband forgetting, it's his reaction afterwards that is so telling. I honestly don't know what I'd do in your shoes. I'd find it a really difficult thing to forgive. I don't think I'd tell your son though. That will achieve nothing. Protect him from it until he's old enough to understand.

Good luck to you all. Please do update next year to let us know how he's getting on.

[TSSDNCOP]

The "does dad know" question was so, so sad.

Op you're ace, we know it, your boy knows it.

💐

[sososocross]

Campervamp - there is no later test in this area. The results are ranked in merit and they work thru them until dec year 7 then re examine if places become available in year 8.

[TakeMe2Insanity]

Well done op you've handled this really well.

A sorry state of affairs though that op is had to delete thread to maintain privacy - yes looking at you daily fail.

[iogo]

Your son sound like a very mature going man. My son ended up in a local secondary rather than the grammar and he did brilliantly. As a PP said, sometimes it's better to be a bigger fish in another pond. Not that that lets your husband off the hook though.

[albertatrilogy]

I'm in a grammar school area and my stepson wanted to go to a particular school that had good sports facilities.

He gained a place.

I was never convinced that it was the right school for him. It was a few miles away, but getting up for the bus was always a chore. The teaching was old-fashioned and the pastoral care was poor. As a teenager, he became much less interested in team games and compulsory practices - though he was a talented player who'd been invited to take part in county trials.

The only point I'd like to make is that there are a lot of - different - good schools around and that young people change a lot between the ages of 10 and 16. Having at least one supportive parent is one of the key factors in terms of their development.

I hope that the OP works out what to do re her husband. Marriage is a very complicated thing - more complicated than schools admissions even! A bunch of angry strangers on the internet are not really equipped to know the right way forward...

[SandyDenny]

Thanks for updating, sorry it didn't work out.

Your DH's reaction would confirm for me that I wouldn't be able to continue the relationship, he should have manned up and been the one to own up to what he did. Sadly I think it's likley that he might find out anyway if another parent at the school read the first thread and puts 2 and 2 together and word gets out.

I believe that children who are destined to do well will tend to do so whatever school they go to so your son should do just fine.

[TheTurnOfTheScrew]

I think you are managing this in the best way possible. I'd also echo those posters who say that Grammar School is not the be all and end all. I live in an area without grammar schools, and there are none that can be commuted to either. Our schools and 6th form colleges still have lots of students who get stellar results.

[NSEA]

Thank you for the update OP. Hope everything wotks out for your son.

[sososocross]

Aeviternity

"The mistake won't be his undoing; the cowardice will."

Yes, this^^

I am furious and watching to see how he is dealing with the fall out. I feel totally emotionally removed from him and don't care how he feels anymore. Time will tell how this works out but I am not engaging in a row, this is too serious for that. I can't trust him anymore and that's very very serious to me. We' ve been together 22 years and never had to doubt his good intentions and trust although we have had issues with laziness etc

[sonjadog]

All the best to your son. He may find that his new school suits him well as this originally one isn't so important any more.

Your DH is a selfish dick.

[BananaBottom]

Op, thanks so much for updating. I am so so sorry.

[sonjadog]

"and this orginal"

Stupid autocorrect.

[peekyboo]

Not wanting to tell you what to do OP but it sounds like a trial separation might be the way forward, if you want to give things a chance. It could be the break from him you need to look at things more clearly.

Also, his behaviour re the separation would probably tell you a lot more than any desperate promises made to keep the marriage together.