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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tattoo

312 replies

2much2do2littletime2doit · 12/09/2017 14:50

So had my first hen do away just recently and all the hen had a tiny (old 50p) sized tattoo, on our feet. I already have a tattoo from 20+ years ago, my DH of 7 years is not keen on them, which I did know. However come home and he says he now wants a divorce. That using the excuse it's my body is a 'lefty' argument and he has the choice not to look at it, that he's now no longer attracted to me because of it. I will point out we normally get on very well, no issues apart from the normal petty things. I completely think he's over reacting.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 12/09/2017 19:38

It's not for the op to judge the h on his reaction. She may feel its unreasonable to have a reaction like that but she can't control it

Control it she shouldn't but she's perfectly entitled to judge him and think he is a massive knob jockey

Pallisers · 12/09/2017 19:39

Marriage is about compromise, it's a partnership, and it's a contract of your whole self with another person (imo). It's not supposed to be just 2 individuals with shiny finger jewellery and elevated statuses.

you can compromise all you like and be a partnership - you still have bodily autonomy. When the tattoo artist (or the surgeon) asks for consent, they won't ask your spouse.

squoosh · 12/09/2017 19:42

'If I wanted to keep my body autonomy I wouldn't have got married.

I'm not sure you understand what bodily autonomy means.

BlondieNikC · 12/09/2017 19:53

no I'm not advocating rape well you are if you don't believe in bodily autominy. I agree, it doesn't mean what you think it means!

BlondieNikC · 12/09/2017 19:54

Autonomy - don't have my specs on!

SalamiSandwich · 12/09/2017 19:56

I've been to many hen weekends and never have I been asked to get a tattoo. How weird.

NearLifeExperience · 12/09/2017 19:58

Explain how the OP's OH is compromising, being a good partner and giving his whole self to her when he is dumping her for doing something he doesn't like, Newdaddie? Or is it just women who have to compromise?

Marriage is also about respect, equality, tolerance, forgiveness and letting your spouse feel happy, free and loved even in times of disagreement.

Niamhisnotarealname · 12/09/2017 20:00

It does seem that he is overreacting somewhat. My view is different though as I love my Husbands tattoos. he plans on being fully covered one day which I am fine with except for one thing. I have told him that I would be incredibly upset if he tattoed his face.

I haven't explicitly told him he CAN'T tattoo his face just my feelings on it. You knew his feelings on the matter and did it anyway. Now you have to deal with the possible fall out of your actions.

I would like to think that out of respect for me and my feelings on the matter my DH would never tattoo his face. if he did he is aware of how I would feel and would have to accept that I may not be able to accept it.

NewDaddie · 12/09/2017 20:03

Bodily autonomy in the context of marriage means that while I retain freedom of control over my body (whilst in sound health) I will never have freedom from influence over my body.

As an individual I can choose to gain/loose weight or do whatever to my body without thinking about anyone else. As a husband I lose that autonomy because if I want to stay married then I have to think about how those things will affect my marriage.

Like I said before a lot of people still behave like individuals then wonder why they repeatedly fail at long term relationships. And @squoosh you probably should check that you understand what something means before checking someone else.

HTH

NearLifeExperience · 12/09/2017 20:04

Was going to channel my inner Inigo Montoya, Newdaddie but I'll let the man himself do it (just substitute "phrase for "word"... you get the idea)

Tattoo
squoosh · 12/09/2017 20:07

Oh bless. Is the New Daddie getting all cross because he clearly didn't have a clue what 'bodily autonomy' meant?

Silly Daddie.

NearLifeExperience · 12/09/2017 20:08

weight or do whatever to my body without thinking about anyone else. As a husband I lose that autonomy because if I want to stay married then I have to think about how those things will affect my marriage

Considering your spouse's feelings does not equate to losing bodily autonomy! You still have it!

Puppymouse · 12/09/2017 20:11

I'm more puzzled by the idea of everyone on a hen do getting matching tattoos. Is that a thing? I'd be declining politely if any bride to be asked this of me. The worst I've ever had to do was ride a bike for an entire day when I never really learnt how to ride one! Misses point of thread

Headofthehive55 · 12/09/2017 20:16

A sensible person considers their spouses feelings.

I think in terms of bodily autonomy, it's yours to do what you want with - but you also must accept other people may no longer wish to feel the same way about you.
You may feel that's a rubbish way to behave but then, that's life.

NewDaddie · 12/09/2017 20:18

Explain how the OP's OH is compromising, being a good partner and giving his whole self to her when he is dumping her for doing something he doesn't like, Newdaddie? Or is it just women who have to compromise?

I can't @NearLifeExperience because I don't know OP's husband or nowhere near enough about their marriage from this thread.

And if u can actually read... my posts are about me and my expectations of myself and my marriage. And since I am indeed a man that should answer your last question...

I've been with dw for 19 years so not as long as you but nonetheless a fair innings.

Pallisers · 12/09/2017 20:35

Bodily autonomy in the context of marriage means that while I retain freedom of control over my body (whilst in sound health) I will never have freedom from influence over my body.

Well either you don't know what "autonomy" means or you don't know what "influence" means.

DeadButDelicious · 12/09/2017 20:39

If he doesn't like tattoos, that's absolutely fine. HE doesn't have to have any. He has no right at all to decree what the OP does or doesn't do with her body.

He sounds like a massively controlling arsehat.

NearLifeExperience · 12/09/2017 20:49

And if u can actually read... my posts are about me and my expectations of myself and my marriage

No, Newdaddie, I can't read Hmm

Marriage is about compromise, it's a partnership, and it's a contract of your whole self with another person (imo). It's not supposed to be just 2 individuals with shiny finger jewellery and elevated statuses

That was an absolute statement about marriage in general (or your opinion thereof) you didn't say it was your marriage you were referring to.

blueberrypie0112 · 12/09/2017 20:54

I think OP was compromising enough by keeping the new tattoo by keeping it small and on her foot

blueberrypie0112 · 12/09/2017 20:58

Sorry, editing gone awry. I mean to write "by keeping the tattoo small and on her foot"

Plus she avoided adding new tattoos over the years for him

NewDaddie · 12/09/2017 21:00

@Pallisers I've demonstrated quite clearly that I understand the words I use. Unless here on mumsnet there are some special colloquial definitions of the words autonomy or influence.

Please prove me wrong, it will make a refreshing change from being subjected to the very special kind of stupid that people cling onto here just for the sake of disagreeing.

GriefLeavesItsMark · 12/09/2017 21:00

I obviously haven't bothered to read the thread, but has the op said what the tattoo was? Because if it is, for example a comedy penis and balls, I can see why the dh may have objected.

FaithHopeCharityDesperation · 12/09/2017 21:02

**

😂😂😂

Merida83 · 12/09/2017 21:08

Not RTFT but seems to me that he was looking/waiting for what he seems the perfect excuse and you've given him it. So had been thinking about it for a while but sees himself as needing a legitimate reason and he know calling this it.

Cos I can understand hating tattoos (my dh despises them) but using your dw getting a small tasteful tattoo on her foot as the one and only reason for divorce it's very difficult to understand.

NearLifeExperience · 12/09/2017 21:09

"If u can read" "Special sort of stupid... for the sake of disagreeing"

You may want to consider the quality of your own debating skills if you have to resort to phrases like these.