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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I do everything you do and work...

465 replies

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 10/09/2017 19:51

Aibu to think this line is ridiculous. I hear/read it a lot in regards to sahms. It just doesn't make sense to me, life isn't either you work or you don't, there are so many other factors - the amount of kids you have, how much your partner works, if you even have partner, your mental or physical health, the amount of support you receive, if you have someone to help with childcare, if you are a carer on top, if you volunteer etc etc........

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 12/09/2017 05:53

Kind reminder that what I was trying to get at was people's lives are so vastly different that it can't possibly be sahm vs working mum. You can't sat one or the other has it harder, so why bother. Of course my personal life would be made harder by having to work, but with 4 kids and no support that doesn't mean my life is easier than the parent of 1 who works part time in a low demand job whilst her mum helps with her child. But my life would be tons easier than the mum of 2 with no partner, no support but still has to work to pay the bills. I could go on.......so many different factors.

P.S you can only stay snuggled in bed when your child is ill if you have 1 child, is still have to get others to school or keep others entertained.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 12/09/2017 05:57

But then saying that, for all I know the mum of 1 could be going through something I wouldn't know about so to actually say I had it harder would still be ridiculous. But just trying to show what I was trying to get it xxx

OP posts:
TrueRainbow · 12/09/2017 07:11

My life was much, much harder when I only had 1 child to 3, so she could be telling the truth.

gingerh4ir · 12/09/2017 07:14

so a sahm is doing chores plus child care stuff.

no, they don't. most of my Sahm friends have school aged children. whilst I am at work, they have 6 hours to themselves every day.

TrueRainbow · 12/09/2017 07:27

We are going round in circles as lots of parents take their children to work, work from home with their children or do opposite shifts so there are many, many parents that do both roles.

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 12/09/2017 07:36

Exactly, your experience says your life is easier now, in mine I find it harder as sahm to 4 than I did as a working mum of 2. But that's not to say another working mum of 2 has it easier than me, just that that was my experience.

And yes also exactly true, my point it everyone's life is so different it's not as simple as sahm vs working mum, every child is different, every life is different, every job is different x

OP posts:
TrueRainbow · 12/09/2017 07:39

That was only cause of sn/disability and being young and working full time in first management job with my daughter with me 24/7. I think it was hard as I was younger. Now I am not bothered how many kids I have with me as I can't remember working without always having children with me.

It's not that it's easier, it's just that you get used to it.

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 12/09/2017 07:42

I had my 1st 2 as a teen, and worked nights so didn't get much sleep, my 1st 2 were text book babies, so good, my 2nd 2 not to much lol! I find we had more free time then, but now we are always busy now, also my DH works more now as self employed x

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 12/09/2017 07:43

Not trying to compete btw, just saying that we all have different experiences x

OP posts:
Cailleach666 · 12/09/2017 07:46

I think a lot of workers are invisible.

I know I am.

There are 5 million self employed in the UK, which is 16 % of the workforce. many of these people are working odd hours. early mornings, weekends, evening or when kids are at school.

How would you even know that those "SAHM with school age children" are doing nothing all day.
I have members of my family who wonder when I am " getting back to work" .
I rarely tell people of my activities, other than to say I " work from home".
Neighbours see me wandering through woodland walks, pottering in the garden, going to the gym, doing school runs.
I am sure they assume I am one of those who have "6 hours to themselves every day".
What they don't know is I make £50K profit from my part time business a year.

TrueRainbow · 12/09/2017 07:51

For me without the SN/disability side none of it has been too bad. I would have dc 4 now, but I want to wait a couple of years as as it is still harder than your average parenting now she is older. I expect it will be her whole life.

GeriT · 12/09/2017 08:01

My brothers ex wife lived by the mantra that it was more difficult for her to be at home, then it was for him to go to work and look after the family when he got in.

She would literally entertain the child and do very little else. Guess some people feel entitled Hmm

ssd · 12/09/2017 08:01

the thing that annoys me is when women I know who haven't worked for years and have all their kids at school and often have family help, tell you how exhausted they are and how they can't fit it all in, when you ask what they are doing and they tell you, you're tempted to say, yeah I did that before going to work today

other than that, nothing about this debate bothers me too much

thenewaveragebear1983 · 12/09/2017 08:05

It must depend on lots of factors really- I am a sahp and I don't know of any parents who are at home full time once their kids are all at school. When my ds gets free nursery I'll still be based at home for that year because I will need to do some voluntary work or I'll never get a job when he goes to school!

ssd · 12/09/2017 08:05

I think if you haven't worked for years and have not mixed with a wide range of people outside the house and lived in your own wee bubble, it's easy to lose perspective on it all and doing the admin and hoovering seems like a mammoth task that'll take a day up, or going to the hairdressers is a big event. Most workers squeeze this stuff around work and so get exasperated when told how this takes up someone else's day.

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 12/09/2017 08:09

geri I have a family member like this, frequently had family members look after her kids though, and has them in nursery whilst she stays home, then will take the day off on the weekends whilst her DH has them. My DH works so hard I make sure to pick up he slack at home x

OP posts:
TrueRainbow · 12/09/2017 08:13

If someone's at home then they should do everything at home imo

olderandnowiser · 12/09/2017 08:13

I stayed at home for 10 years with my 4 children, plus I child minded 2 toddlers. When my children went to secondary school, I took up a full time teaching post. I still had all the cleaning, shopping etc even though DH did help a bit. It was much harder than when I was at home. When I was at home, I used to watch tv, go to people's homes for coffee, chat at playgroups, stroll to the park as well as run the home and look after the children. Mind you, I was skint all the time.

Just saying.

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 12/09/2017 08:18

That's your experience, it's not comparable to someone else's though olderandwiser

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plantsitter · 12/09/2017 08:30

Amazing all these SAHP who just 'get a job' when their kids go to school

One thing I don't regret about being a SAHM is just hanging out with the kids. Just, y'all know, being around. Means I get to hear most of the gossip about them and their friends.

missadasmith · 12/09/2017 08:33

well, my bills never paid themselves, Plantsitter. some parents simply haven't got the luxury of just hanging out with the kids. some do life in the real world where they have to provide also financially

NataliaOsipova · 12/09/2017 08:50

Most workers squeeze this stuff around work and so get exasperated when told how this takes up someone else's day.

But why would you care, unless it was having a direct and negative impact on you? Fair enough if you need a favour from someone who refuses because she claims not to have time. But in the normal run of things, what difference does it make to you? If you have 15 things you need to do in a day, then you do them. If you only have 5, then you do them either at a slower pace or with more time in between to do other things. There's no moral superiority involved in either.

TrueRainbow · 12/09/2017 09:00

I think it's because If the person doing 5 tasks is moaning to the person doing 15, Natalia

GetAHaircutCarl · 12/09/2017 09:19

natalia because it's crass and bad mannered at best and lacking imagination at worst.

Surely the whole point of not working is to free up time? If you've freed up the time and still want the moan about being busy...

plantsitter · 12/09/2017 09:53

Indeed, missada, and some of us don't have the luxury of being able to afford childcare so we can work.

The universal problem with this issue is that no-one seems able to accept that just because what I do has value doesn't mean that what you do has none.

There are definite downsides to being a SAHP - many of them - but discussing the upsides doesn't mean I think every kid should have one and I would never say that. Unfortunately many WOHP seen unable to pay me the same courtesy.