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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I do everything you do and work...

465 replies

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 10/09/2017 19:51

Aibu to think this line is ridiculous. I hear/read it a lot in regards to sahms. It just doesn't make sense to me, life isn't either you work or you don't, there are so many other factors - the amount of kids you have, how much your partner works, if you even have partner, your mental or physical health, the amount of support you receive, if you have someone to help with childcare, if you are a carer on top, if you volunteer etc etc........

OP posts:

chancerprancer · 12/09/2017 09:58

I wouldn't say it to someone, because it's judgy and none of my business but well it is basically true isn't it? At least in terms of essential jobs. Obviously sahm probably do end up being busy with groups, volunteering, activities etc but those are kind of optional.

plantsitter · 12/09/2017 10:13

If you're talking about SAHPs with preschool children it's not even slightly true.

You'd have to take every single SAHP with kids at school and compare them with every WOHP to see if it were true in general about those. And when you'd done it you'd think 'what the fuck was the point of that?'

Being paid to do something may make it an essential task but NOT being paid for something doesn't make it inessential.

redemptionsongs · 12/09/2017 10:16

I don't agree that only what is essential should be done for children though. I may feel that it's essential for us to retire 10 years earlier, and my kids will be ok in the end, it doesn't mean SAHP aren't doing something useful by keeping a nice house and putting more effort into homework/enriching activities for their DC, to me this is perhaps optional but it does add value.

TrueRainbow · 12/09/2017 10:16

How on earth can you say its not even slightly true, plant sitter?

OwlOfBrown · 12/09/2017 10:17

plantsitter I think chancer meant 'essential jobs' to mean cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. The jobs that are just part of life, whether you are in paid work or not.

plantsitter · 12/09/2017 10:19

About SAHPs with children not at school yet? Because looking after children is a thing. And if you're at work you're not doing it. No judgement implied, just a statement of physics really.

TrueRainbow · 12/09/2017 10:21

Again but what about people who have to take their children to work, work from home, work opposite shifts etc

TrueRainbow · 12/09/2017 10:22

I di both and did 24/7 childcare for 7 years

fruitlovingmonkey · 12/09/2017 10:24

I've never had anyone say this explicitly but it is an attitude I've come across. One particular acquaintance loves to point out how much she does with the kids AND works a professional job. Funnily enough she never mentions the nanny, the GPs or the part- time working DH who facilitate this.
I think it's very British in that we 1) love to play the martyr and 2) equate being busy with being productive. I now live in Europe and no one I know here brags about how much they do. They also don't seem to feel guilty about hiring in help, even if they are SAHP.

plantsitter · 12/09/2017 10:24

Well then owl you have to refer to the Op's post about what might be considered essential - i.e it's different in everyone's case.

TrueRainbow · 12/09/2017 10:26

All of us that are currently on here are SAHMs at the moment. How on earth can people say we are rushed off our feet?

ballestief · 12/09/2017 10:29

All of us that are currently on here are SAHMs at the moment

Er. no we aren't.

TrueRainbow · 12/09/2017 10:30

Most of last commenters are. I have only done this a few months, its so relaxing

SuzukiLi · 12/09/2017 10:30

All of us that are currently on here are SAHMs at the moment

I'm on my fag break

TrueRainbow · 12/09/2017 10:32

I get how if you were doing it forever though then it would get boring. I feel relaxed as done all the decorating, deep cleaning, sorting the garden, all jobs I didnt have time for before.

Im getting to end of list though and nearly back to work time. I can tell I am running out if stuff to do as I keep going on the internet.

Cailleach666 · 12/09/2017 10:32

All of us that are currently on here are SAHMs at the moment.

You don't know that. Some may work shifts, some may be retired, some may have no kids, some unemployed, some self employed. Some may be at work.

I have just dropped youngest off at school, been to ASDA, Hobbycraft , put some chicken in a marinade, hung out some laundry.
Having a cuppa before starting craft work.

I am certainly not ruched but neither twiddling my thumbs either.

gillybeanz · 12/09/2017 10:33

How does anybody know what another person does anyway.
I used to read this on here but have never heard anyone say it in rl.

I think it depends on if you believe that your day should consist of work or if you believe that life is a balance between what you want to do and what you have to do.
We all have to keep clean, both personally and our homes.
We all have to feed ourselves/cook.
Our clothes need to be cleaned etc etc.
So in that sense a wohp does do the same as a sahp.

However, a sahp with children pre school age and not in childcare are also caring for their children whilst a wohp is working.
It isn't rocket science, but it seems to confuse a lot of people.

A sahp with children at school can do the necessary tasks and most often have time left over for whatever they choose to do, whereas a wohp is of course working. This too isn't rocket science and of course a difference between a wohp and sahp..

Original poster

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 12/09/2017 10:34

Yes that's what gets me fruitlovingmonkey the attitude that just because they work then they are so busy when some have more help, not everyone of course, not even that many. Even my family member that has all the childcare under the sun pulls the I'm so busy card cause she has small age gaps, but she has so much help with them im just like tbh anyone who bleats on about how much harder they have it than someone else is just annoying.

OP posts:

plantsitter · 12/09/2017 10:34

Oops, nearly admitted there are things you don't have time for when you're at work there truerainbow .

Anyway I have 'inessential' stuff to do so am off to do it.

OwlOfBrown · 12/09/2017 10:35

Blimey plantsitter, you 're very argumentative this morning.

You said Well then owl you have to refer to the Op's post about what might be considered essential - i.e it's different in everyone's case. In which case your statement If you're talking about SAHPs with preschool children it's not even slightly true. is also rubbish since it's different in everyone's case.

TrueRainbow · 12/09/2017 10:37

No, plantsitter its more big jobs like decorating all rooms. Ive done that over summer with the kids here.

I am boring myself now. I've cleaned all the insides of the kitchens cupboards every week. I wouldnt do things like that when I was at work, but Im just doing it as nothing better to do

redemptionsongs · 12/09/2017 10:37

Well I mostly mumsnet as work breaks - ft working parent here - I've got the idea I'd be one of those fantastic SAHP who does enriching activities like learning Italian and teaching them about art and classical music etc but I know myself better than this which is why I'm working!

plantsitter · 12/09/2017 10:40

In all honesty I'm desperate to get back to work and it's making me grumpy .

Of course it's different in every case. But I would hate some lonely and isolated SAHM to read all this and think she is shit because it's easy to do when you're in that situation, so I feel I have to defend it as a worthwhile task.

Really the argument about who does more is not even worth having but you surely have to separate those doing the hard slog of solo 24/7 childcare from those who do get a break from kids whatever form it takes!

TrueRainbow · 12/09/2017 11:05

I think you are more likely to be busy with work, but more likely to be bored and depressed at home. That then makes sahms say they are busy as they dont like to admit its boring long term as then it might be construed as them saying their kids are boring

Original poster

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 12/09/2017 11:07

Who knows who has it harder and why people are such martyrs and so on. All I know is life is hard sometimes and cutting others down for whatever reason makes you an asshole rather than busy and important.

OP posts:

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