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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I do everything you do and work...

465 replies

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 10/09/2017 19:51

Aibu to think this line is ridiculous. I hear/read it a lot in regards to sahms. It just doesn't make sense to me, life isn't either you work or you don't, there are so many other factors - the amount of kids you have, how much your partner works, if you even have partner, your mental or physical health, the amount of support you receive, if you have someone to help with childcare, if you are a carer on top, if you volunteer etc etc........

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 11/09/2017 13:27

Cailleach I've said a few times already that i know your situation isn't typical.

But most women who swap a full time 9-5 job for a job that suits school hours that they can fit around the kids take a drop in salary rather than an increase.

LaurieMarlow · 11/09/2017 13:29

GetA nothing I've said has disagreed with that. I just don't think you're following the argument I'm making. But fine, it's just derailing now, so I'll drop it.

NeverTwerkNaked · 11/09/2017 19:48

the fit around jobs are not well remunerated in the main

I earn about £50K in a job I fit around children, and so do quite a few of my colleagues. they do exist. The employers that don't offer them just don't want you to realise that. That's why these threads are important, it's good for people to be open about all the different ways they juggle kids/career.

NeverTwerkNaked · 11/09/2017 20:03

(And yes, that's doing every school run - I do 5 hours in the office 9.30-2.30 and then catch up on hours when the children are in bed)

MissDuke · 11/09/2017 20:08

I found that because they were going back to work they saw it more as a hard-earned year off and so often went for cake and coffee, went on more expensive days out than I did etc, and didn't really take on much more housework during that year because they argued it was maternity leave not housework leave

What a bizarre comment! So on my three lots of 14-month long maternity leaves, I never once cleaned my house properly? Believe me, working mums do as much housework as you, they just have less time to do it.

Obviously their maternity pay is the reason they can afford cake and days out, not because they are less invested in being at home than you are.

KweenOfFarts · 11/09/2017 20:11

Form a orderly queue I have Star to give the first 20 superheroes

Honestly does it matter how we all reach that goal of trying to do best by our kids?

KweenOfFarts · 11/09/2017 20:13

Sometimes parenting sucks no matter what

Lurkedforever1 · 11/09/2017 21:02

thedc to answer your earlier reply to me, I never said wohp do everything you do and work on top. I simply said that all the household stuff you do in school hours still has to be done, but after the kids are in bed.

I have no idea if I could do what you do, and work. However you have no idea if you could have done what I did when dd was younger. And it doesn't really matter.

PisforPeter · 11/09/2017 21:11

Some SAHM's outsource a lot of parenting & have kids in almost full time nursery. Clearly that is a lot easier than a Mum at home f/t with a toddler or a WOHM who only has childcare when she is at work.

InspMorse · 11/09/2017 21:21

I can compare me at work with DC ag& me as a SAHP. Both in the same year.

As a SAHP, I could do as I pleased.
Park, swimming, lunch with friends, shopping, cooking, washing & cleaning fitted in as and when. Leisurely mealtimes, late mornings, slow breakfasts...

InspMorse · 11/09/2017 21:23

As a working mother. EVERYTHING to do with home and DC is crammed into 3 hours at night and weekends.
Nightmare.

PisforPeter · 11/09/2017 21:30

Exactly Morse

BeansandSausages · 11/09/2017 21:31

InspMorse same. No judgement of anyone, we are all doing our best. But I can fit in all sorts when not working, and cram everything in (badly) when working. Family member is sahm and always has been, but is very much a social butterfly when dcs are at school and clearly, I just can't do that.

I think when working I just have to work out what is going to have to give, and think bugger it!

KweenOfFarts · 11/09/2017 21:33

SAHP can be mind fuckingly boring, lonely and mundane

InspMorse · 11/09/2017 21:38

Not read all of thread pits! Smile But, It's obvious to me. Within the same year, with the same DC, same DH, our lives (not just mine) became 100% more difficult when I went back to work. Everything is now scheduled and done at full speed.
Don't get me started on when DC's are ill. When I was a SAHP, no problem - we all cosies up in bed. NOW, well, it's a f'ing disaster.
Depressing. SAHP is the better deal.

redemptionsongs · 11/09/2017 22:17

Yes, I fit a lot of rushed, not great parenting around ft work, it's not the same as what SAHP do. The important thing is to feel you've made choices and not been pushed into one thing or another.

Work has clear benefits for earnings and future earnings, SAHP is a different sort of investment in your children.

Batteriesallgone · 11/09/2017 22:25

I guess I've always defined SAHP in my head as when you have at least one child under school age. This discussion seems to be focused on much older children. I wouldn't know as I'm not there yet, and obviously school isn't all year round so it's not like school is automatic easy childcare.

The only reasons I can see that I wouldn't go into part time work when they are all in school is if DH's career meant we had to move around a lot; or SEN in one or more children meaning difficulties with their education; or some other big life event that eats my time or opportunities.

But possibly I'm idealising how much easier it is when they are all in school (please tell me it gets easier GrinWine)

NataliaOsipova · 11/09/2017 22:27

SAHP can be mind fuckingly boring, lonely and mundane

So can working!

PebblesFlintstone · 11/09/2017 22:31

Batteries Sorry to burst your bubble but I have found juggling work and school-age children much harder than when I could just drop them in nursery and pick them up later. No homework or extracurricular activities to worry about.

I no longer have to get up as often at night though, so there are some benefits!

NataliaOsipova · 11/09/2017 22:33

But possibly I'm idealising how much easier it is when they are all in school

It is, in many ways - they can feed themselves, brush their own teeth, take themselves to the loo etc. But it's harder in others - they have to be taken to and picked up from school at specific times. They want to do activities which require logistics and transportation. And then there are the endless school holidays. Unless you have a lot of family help, it must be a logistical nightmare - especially given that kids often have strong opinions about what they do/don't want to do. One of my friends was upset that she had no option but to put her DD into holiday club for three weeks over the summer....but her DD was telling her in no uncertain terms that she didn't want to go.

So I think I'd say it changes a lot when they're at school rather than it gets hugely easier!

redemptionsongs · 11/09/2017 22:36

Yes my dd is exhausted by school and the homework support could take an hour a day if I had the time, easily. Of course that's not necessary, but it'd be useful and enriching for her to be fully supported and rest at home after school rather than in a noisy club.

Before I had children I couldn't understand why anyone would SAH but now I absolutely get it.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 11/09/2017 22:36

SAHP can be mind fuckingly boring, lonely and mundane

I never found this as a SAHP

I do however get this with my job a fair bit

Batteriesallgone · 11/09/2017 23:06

Pebbles oh yes definitely nursery is easier than school, I hear that from friends all the time! But I'd not used formal childcare at all until DS started school last year.

I can definitely see that it must be so difficult to juggle a 'proper' career with school age kids. Think I was thinking something fairly menial/flexible/low stress. I'm certainly not planning on going back to my old professional career!

KweenOfFarts · 12/09/2017 00:09

@natalie & @rufus I know and I guess this thread made me think about time I went 2weeks without speaking to another adult, that was longest and had many days like that and I don't think it benefited my child me being a SAHP

BeBeatrix · 12/09/2017 00:18

A working parent isn't doing the same as a sahm + job. A family member/child minder/nursery is doing the childcare part. So a sahm is doing chores plus child care stuff. So how's that what a working parent is doing? If it's just chores then yeah, it's all got to be done by sahm and working parents. But being home with children isnt just housework.

Precisely.

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