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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

babysitter texting DH

195 replies

Perso25 · 10/09/2017 18:16

I think I am being a bit silly but has been in my mind a couple of days so I thought I would ask other peoples opinion.

We have a lovely babysitter who occasionally comes and looks after my DD (18months) for a couple of hours.

The other week she asked for my DH's number so that she could send him pictures of our DD. I know she doesnt fancy him (she is 16 he is 35, she has a bf etc etc) and I know he doesn't fancy her etc etc.. so I am not sure if it is reasonable of me to find it odd they occasionally message one another?

The messages are always innocent and usually asking after our DD. Sometimes asking him to go on her instagram as she has posted a picture of our DD on there.

Is this normal? Do any of your babysitters do this? Am I feeling off about it because deep down I must be an insecure wreck?

Note sure if it is relevant but before getting his number the babysitter used to communicate with me about when looking after our DD as I was the one who would know the dates and times etc.. but haven't heard from her since she now messages DH.

OP posts:
NoLoveofMine · 10/09/2017 22:06

he'd still not respond because he wants friends his own age where things are equal and theybhave similar lives and experiences.

Quite. This is how most people would think. It's also how most teenagers think.

birdsdestiny · 10/09/2017 22:07

Well I am not at all young and I agree with nolove.

NoLoveofMine · 10/09/2017 22:08

I'm 17. I'm innocent because I'm pointing out the unpleasant attitudes towards teenage girls widespread in society (and on this thread) and think adult men have responsibility not to prey on them?

NoLoveofMine · 10/09/2017 22:08

Thank you birdsdestiny.

ByGum · 10/09/2017 22:08

It wouldn't be being "flattered" or acting upon "positive attention", it'd be abusing a position of trust and experience to manipulate a situation for their own ends.

I agree with you. Its what I was trying to say when I said he has benefit of experience of being an adult and will know appropriate boundaries. If he isn't enforcing his own boundaries I'd be concerned.

Flipfloo78 · 10/09/2017 22:10

I see there being no issue in a babysitter having the number of both parents but it should only be used in a professional context and not conversational as it doesn't need to be. Also, pictures of the child should not be posted on someone else's social media without permission from the parents.

However, something about this doesn't sit right with me and I wonder about the authenticity of the poster. There are quite a few contradictory bits of information. Maybe it's just me....

Autumnskiesarelovely · 10/09/2017 22:12

I'm for changing the babysitter too!

Posting pictures is not on.

Asking for DHs number is not on - even if you were OK with pics she could send them to you.

It's all inappropriate and not mature - so I wouldn't want them looking after my child anymore.

itsalwaysworkedbefore · 10/09/2017 22:15

noloveofmine..... I didnt say all men did I. And ask any sixteen year old female if she would want to be described as a child or a woman. I suspect she would say woman.
Text book comments are no substitution for real life experience. Any one with real insight into feminism would know that female intuition is nothing to be belittled and the poster is working with her gut instincts as a woman.

NoLoveofMine · 10/09/2017 22:17

And ask any sixteen year old female if she would want to be described as a child or a woman. I suspect she would say woman.

I'm 17. I'm a girl. I will object to being described as a girl when I'm 18, but it'll happen. Women are constantly described as "girls".

I don't really know what you mean with the rest of your post. I'm talking about the comments on this thread; I've not actually referred to the OP's posts beyond the situation described then being commented on by others.

Persephonebrown · 10/09/2017 22:20

Noloveofmine... you are young. MOST teenage girls are interested in boys their own age and MOST older men know the difference between right and wrong and would never consider engaging with a teenage girl. However unfortunately sometimes people step outside the norm and behave in ways we would not expect. I think people were trying to warn the op that she needs to listen to her instincts if she feels uncomfortable with the way this girl is behaving. I have a 16 year old daughter who would never behave in this way but equally I have known those who would. People are all different and not all teenagers (or adults) are as sensible as you clearly are!

NoLoveofMine · 10/09/2017 22:22

Thanks Persephonebrown. I still think there's been a lot of misogyny towards teenage girls on this thread as there is in society generally but understand your point as well. I think it's possible to articulate that without some of the comments on teenage girls which have been made.

Sallystyle · 10/09/2017 22:22

I also don't know any girls who would be remotely interested in men of that age

My experience is quite the opposite. As a teen I had crushes on older men. Many of my friend did too. It's very common actually. I was young once, I remember it well.

That of course never excuses a man acting on it but saying you personally don't know any girls who have crushes on older men doesn't mean it isn't something that happens regularly. Teen boys as well. It isn't just a girl thing.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 10/09/2017 22:32

Time to find a new babysitter OP . Period

She has a crush on your partner and if posting your kid on social media

Bye bye !

BurberryBlue · 10/09/2017 22:33

Darling wake up and smell the coffee.if it doesn't feel normal it isn't,one would sack the bimbo instantly and order her to delete photos of dc.

Goodness,take action.

Weebo · 10/09/2017 22:35

Bimbo?

Christ the night. -.-

becotide · 10/09/2017 22:36

if I asked my 14 year old son if he's rather be referred to as a man or a child, he's say man. that does not mean he is is a man, or that he is perfectly safe from predatory adults in their thirties, or that he is capable of being "professional", or that he's able to control a situation between himself and an adult he is sexually interested in.

16 year olds cannot be sent to 'die for their country', they can only be sent to train, and under 18s are protected by law in the workplace because they are recognised as minors.

becotide · 10/09/2017 22:36

burberryblue, don't be a twat

Howlongtilldinner · 10/09/2017 22:38

I would not be happy about this at all, for two reasons. First being messages between the two of them, secondly, posting pics of MY child on social media! Wrong, all wrong.

The consensual age is 16, so neither would be doing wrong if he wasnt married though. I'd keep a careful eye on this situation, even contemplate changing my babysitter.

DistanceCall · 10/09/2017 22:39

She has a crush on your husband. Even if it's entirely innocent (and it probably is), your husband needs to be very careful in how he handles it. In his place, I would create a group chat on WhatsApp including you and refuse to answer her messages separately. She should be aware that YOU are are her partner and everything she tells him will be shared with you.

Whether you want pictures of your children posted on Instagram is another matter. You (or your husband) can ask her to remove them if you are unhappy about it.

Or you could just find another babysitter.

ScouseBird8364 · 10/09/2017 22:41

Oh Lord OP... This girl clearly has a thing for your DH, sorry, I've been here... I was 14 and in love with my cousin's 35 year old hubby when I used to babysit for them..... Many text messages later, and we still don't speak!

You can't hold this against your babysitter in any way, she's young, naive, carefree etc., but I'd definitely have a talk with your DH before this can possibly escalate... x

NoLoveofMine · 10/09/2017 22:41

sack the bimbo instantly

A 16 year old girl is now being referred to as a "bimbo". The misogyny continues.

Sallystyle · 10/09/2017 22:48

Bimbo? FFS. Misogyny from men is awful and many of us try to fight against it. When women come on and take part in misogyny it makes me feel like it's just a hopeless battle.

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/09/2017 22:49

Sounds a bit strange

Do You mind your dc on her instragram /all over the Internet

Did she get permission?

Why does she need to send pics to your dh

If anything then a groups wats app with all 3 of you on it would be advisable - then all see the pics and know what dates to bs etc

BurberryBlue · 10/09/2017 22:50

I actually laugh out loud reading your politically correct opinions.Maybe when your husbands are banging the babysitter then you won't be so choosy about your language.

NoLoveofMine · 10/09/2017 22:53

Maybe when your husbands are banging the babysitter then you won't be so choosy about your language.

Another abhorrent way of referring to such an instance happening between an adult man and a teenage girl, but maybe if this happened you should blame the man for abusing his position not refer to a 16 year old girl as a "bimbo".