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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

babysitter texting DH

195 replies

Perso25 · 10/09/2017 18:16

I think I am being a bit silly but has been in my mind a couple of days so I thought I would ask other peoples opinion.

We have a lovely babysitter who occasionally comes and looks after my DD (18months) for a couple of hours.

The other week she asked for my DH's number so that she could send him pictures of our DD. I know she doesnt fancy him (she is 16 he is 35, she has a bf etc etc) and I know he doesn't fancy her etc etc.. so I am not sure if it is reasonable of me to find it odd they occasionally message one another?

The messages are always innocent and usually asking after our DD. Sometimes asking him to go on her instagram as she has posted a picture of our DD on there.

Is this normal? Do any of your babysitters do this? Am I feeling off about it because deep down I must be an insecure wreck?

Note sure if it is relevant but before getting his number the babysitter used to communicate with me about when looking after our DD as I was the one who would know the dates and times etc.. but haven't heard from her since she now messages DH.

OP posts:
RoseLight · 10/09/2017 18:56

Not at all saying anything is definitely untoward. But it sadly does happen.

My friend's parents had a similar beginning.

Her mum was the 16 year old babysitter, her (my friend's) dad the 30+ year old dad of the kids she looked after (and married).

They ran off together and had my friend. Very, very difficult for everyone.

coddiwomple · 10/09/2017 18:57

On one hand, fathers are supposed to be as involved with their children as the mums, but on the other, they are not allowed to communicate with the babysitters. Isn't that funny?
If the babysitter was male, would he only be allowed to contact dad?

If you are not happy about baby picture on instagram - and that's entirely up to you, it's your baby - do tell her. She's not sneaky about it, but obviously don't realise it's a problem for some parents. You would do her a favour by telling her.

If you are uncomfortable, just get a different babysitter. There's a reason why some women (and some very famous ones) employ only nannies that they think are not attractive. Nothing wrong with that, I am sure some men wouldn't be too happy to have a fit 20 year old hanging out in their home either.

AnyFucker · 10/09/2017 18:57

Well, this is a strange one.

Vulcano · 10/09/2017 18:57

Can I ask, why would you agree to and give her his number?

BelindaBlinked · 10/09/2017 18:59

I don't know tbh.
Part of me thinks it's strange, but then the other part thinks if it was a male babysitter texting me I wouldn't think twice.

I'm also interested in Biwis question. Are you coming back op?

BIWI · 10/09/2017 18:59

@Benlui

Mrsmadevans · 10/09/2017 18:59

Very odd behaviour
I would be finding another babysitter tbh OP

PollytheDoily · 10/09/2017 19:00

When I was 15 a few of my friends used to fancy my dad who was well in his forties Hmm

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/09/2017 19:01

If I were an older man who got off on stories normalizing very young women fancying older men, the OP is how I would go about it.

Coming back OP?

Willow2017 · 10/09/2017 19:01

I would not be giving her my dh' s number. Surely she can stick to communicating with you?
And I would not be happy with het posting photos of my child on Instagram. Not her place to do that.
Plus as someone said I doubt her parents would be happy with him seeing her Instagram stuff.

There is no need to change arrangements and if she complains then its time for a new babysitter. She definitely has a thing for your husband.

Who said they were new? Maybe they have been on other websites they all use much the same acronyms. Its not difficult to decipher anyway.
And what the hell does it matter if it's their 1st or 100th time anyway?

Handsfull13 · 10/09/2017 19:02

I agree with a lot of pp. She has a crush on your dp, which you probably shouldn't have given her his number as there was no need for it.
But the biggest thing is did she get permission to take photos of your child and then post it all over her social media.
I have a whole instagram full of my babies but I would never allow someone else to post them everywhere when I can't control it.

Original poster
Perso25 · 10/09/2017 19:03

Thank you for your replies. I showed my DH and he said that is fine he won't reply anymore and will only communicate in person or on a group chat (which we have with her mum so she knows what is going on).

To answer some of you I think she started messaging him rather than me as she kinds him a lot funnier than me and may well find him easier to talk to. Whilst I think we also get on fine she definitely prefers chatting to him (he is more funny than me).

OP posts:
LoobysMummy14 · 10/09/2017 19:06

Very weird. I baby sat for a family for a number of years and only ever had the mother's number, I would never post pics of someone else's child on social media without their permission. Very unacceptable. Have a chat with our DH about it as it could become complicated even if it is innocent.

zoewhat · 10/09/2017 19:06

Seems like it's already been covered above, but she probably fancies him. The age difference doesn't matter at that age - I had the biggest crushes on teachers and a friend's dad (I was 16/17 and he was 35). Even having a boyfriend she might feel that getting a married man's attention makes her more grown up or something. I'd suggest having your husband ignore the texts and you reply on his behalf, then start sending her the details without any involvement from him whatsoever.

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2017 19:07

On one hand, fathers are supposed to be as involved with their children as the mums, but on the other, they are not allowed to communicate with the babysitters

This is my view also. It's a strange double standard.

BIWI · 10/09/2017 19:08

So you are happy about the supposed babysitter posting pictures of your child on Instagram are you?

DearMrDilkington · 10/09/2017 19:09

Why on earth is the girls mother in the whatsapp group? She's 16!!

It all sounds really unprofessional and I'd get rid.

LondonLassInTheCountry · 10/09/2017 19:09

16 and 35 is nothing.....
Having a boyfriend doesnt count either.

She may fancy him, she may think of him as a male figure in her life....

You do realise that Instagram isnt protected? In the sense that photographs are not protected at all...
A babysitter putting them on her private instagram is weird to be honest.

I was a nanny for children i knew from birth and had them till they was 7, i loved them but wouldnt dream of putting their photos on social media, as they arent my children

Original poster
Perso25 · 10/09/2017 19:10

She got his number from message group we had.

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 10/09/2017 19:10

set up a group whatsapp. Bizarre

And I wouldn't be happy about pictures of my child on instagram.

Thingvellir · 10/09/2017 19:11

Texting with your DH is off, posting pics of your child on her social media is also off. Do you not see this?

BenLui · 10/09/2017 19:13

The point Perso is that babysitting is a business arrangement, there isn't any need for chatting outside a five minutes for politeness as she arrives and leaves.

I'd have no issue with my DH making a booking with a babysitter but that's not what we are talking about here.

I'm also a bit Confused about your group chat with her Mum. If she's mature enough to care for your child she should be mature enough to make arrangements independently.

Original poster
Perso25 · 10/09/2017 19:15

Clearly I see this hence the post. And yes namechanger for reasons others have stated!

Thank you all.

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 10/09/2017 19:25

The other week she asked for my DH's number so that she could send him pictures of our DD.

...and then...

She got his number from message group we had.

Confused Which one was it?

Note sure if it is relevant but before getting his number the babysitter used to communicate with me about when looking after our DD as I was the one who would know the dates and times etc.. but haven't heard from her since she now messages DH.

How does this work?

Isn't it normal for the person needing the babysitting to get in touch with the babysitter, to ask if they're available?

Not the other way round - why would the babysitter get in touch with you or your DH? Do you mean, to randomly ask if you need babysitting? Confused

If you need a babysitter, would you just contact her? Or are you suddenly putting all the requests to her through your DH?

This doesn't make any sense to me.

lostfrequencies · 10/09/2017 19:29

All very odd.