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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

babysitter texting DH

195 replies

Perso25 · 10/09/2017 18:16

I think I am being a bit silly but has been in my mind a couple of days so I thought I would ask other peoples opinion.

We have a lovely babysitter who occasionally comes and looks after my DD (18months) for a couple of hours.

The other week she asked for my DH's number so that she could send him pictures of our DD. I know she doesnt fancy him (she is 16 he is 35, she has a bf etc etc) and I know he doesn't fancy her etc etc.. so I am not sure if it is reasonable of me to find it odd they occasionally message one another?

The messages are always innocent and usually asking after our DD. Sometimes asking him to go on her instagram as she has posted a picture of our DD on there.

Is this normal? Do any of your babysitters do this? Am I feeling off about it because deep down I must be an insecure wreck?

Note sure if it is relevant but before getting his number the babysitter used to communicate with me about when looking after our DD as I was the one who would know the dates and times etc.. but haven't heard from her since she now messages DH.

OP posts:
NoLoveofMine · 10/09/2017 21:17

Some unpleasant comments about the babysitter here. "She clearly fancies him", "she is clearly fishing for his attention" and other comments which expose the attitudes towards teenage girls which are far too prevalent in society.

I'm also almost amused by the certainty so many have teenage girls would be lusting after a man in his 30s but of course the man wouldn't be interested at all. There plenty of cases of men attempting to groom and manipulate teenage girls. I also don't know any girls who would be remotely interested in men of that age, contrary to the bizarre view of teenage girls which seems to exist on much of this thread. I've only ever known of girls going out with boys around our own age.

therr inbetween all my pouting selfies, look how beautiful I am!...sorry maybe im just very suspicious but I have seen whats in Instagram especially from young girls.

This comment sums up the misogyny pervading through this thread.

NoLoveofMine · 10/09/2017 21:19

so that he will follow her account and get to see her duck face pouty selfies

Another comment which is horrendous for so many reasons.

BenLui · 10/09/2017 21:20

MN tends to infantilise teenagers.

Yes 16yo is very young but not a child.

She could join the army and die for her country.

She can have sex legally.

In Scotland she could start university, leave home or get married without parental permission. (Or vote in a referendum)

16yo is an adult. A young adult but still an adult.

Coconutspongexo · 10/09/2017 21:21

Never in a million years would I let a 16 year old mind my son or put pictures of him on their own social media?

It doesn't sound like her social media is private. Sorry you need to find someone more mature and with boundaries

NoLoveofMine · 10/09/2017 21:21

It'd take too long to go through all the horrendous comments on here about teenage girls. I chat to all my friends' dads whenever I encounter them if I'm round, as they do with mine; if their mums thought like many of the posters on here we must all fancy one another's fathers? Hmm Of course, these are just more comments showing the misogyny teenage girls face, always being presented as sexualised temptresses luring poor adult men into their traps. Abhorrent.

AnyFucker · 10/09/2017 21:24

Op, you need to look very very carefully at your husband. That he thought this was appropriate in the 1st place. Dodgy as fuck....and I don't mean the 16yo child.

Coconutspongexo · 10/09/2017 21:30

AnyFucker don't you think you're being a tad dramatic

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 10/09/2017 21:30

I work with teenagers. We have safeguarding training to teach us, the adults, how to protect ourselves from inappropriate behaviour and how we need to report it.

We've also had some very inappropriate comments from teenage boys.

StickThatInYourPipe · 10/09/2017 21:32

Anyfucker I assumed from the OP that she gave her his number. If this is the case I can imagine my dp texting back (albeit very brief 'thanks' or 'can you babysit sat?') responses to be polite. I guess he would think that is the reason I gave out his number to begin with. If that's the case I don't see why it is that inappropriate on the DH side tbh.

Florene · 10/09/2017 21:35

I think if you have a group chat, it's reasonable to ask her to put all her contact through it from now on, so that you can both see any pictures/messages etc.

Ttbb · 10/09/2017 21:48

I'm not sure how the age prevents her from being interested in him.

ByGum · 10/09/2017 21:54

She wouldn't be the first 16 year old girl to have a crush on a much older man. Boyfriend or no boyfriend.

Equally, your dh wouldn't be the first older man to be flattered and act upon some positive attention from a teenage girl. Wife and family or no wife and family.

PPs have mentioned her needing boundaries, and while I agree to a degree, a 16 year old is also still learning and finding boundaries, chatting and possibly flirting with an older married man may well be part of that. 30 odd year old men have the benefit of lots of experience of being an adult, have been out of their own teenage experimenting with boundaries for over a decade and know and should be enforcing their own boundaries too.

If teenage started texting dh to look at her instagram at photos of dd etc after always communicating through me, dh would think the sudden change is odd and would say hes shit at checking his messages and phone so prob best to just keep communication through me as that's worked since hiring her.

Persephonebrown · 10/09/2017 21:55

Get another babysitter! My ex husband had an affair with our 16 year old babysitter ( he was 43) be very careful, some are not as sweet as they seem!

itsalwaysworkedbefore · 10/09/2017 21:56

I wouldn't like it at all. It sounds like she has a crush on your husband. She may be using your child as common ground between them. Even the most loyal man will welcome a bit of flattery from a young woman because that's what she is. Also you say he doesn't fancy her but would he really say so if he did ?. It may be harmless but why take the risk. If something untoward does happen you will be kicking yourself for ignoring your gut instinct. The whole thing obviously is making you uncomfortable so I would be looking for a different babysitter.

NoLoveofMine · 10/09/2017 21:57

Equally, your dh wouldn't be the first older man to be flattered and act upon some positive attention from a teenage girl.

It wouldn't be being "flattered" or acting upon "positive attention", it'd be abusing a position of trust and experience to manipulate a situation for their own ends.

OlderGolder · 10/09/2017 21:58

I'm not married but I think I'd shut her down with 'gosh no, that's fine, no need to text my husband, we have so many photos already''

SingingSeuss · 10/09/2017 21:59

I am sure it is innocent but you are clearly uncomfortable so that's a good enough reason to stop it. I would also make sure she understands about safeguarding and pictures online. Sixteen is very young in a lot of ways.

Rubies12345 · 10/09/2017 22:00

There are other teenagers that can babysit if you're worried.

If she does have a crush he could be leaving himself open to rumours or accusations.

NoLoveofMine · 10/09/2017 22:00

Even the most loyal man will welcome a bit of flattery from a young woman because that's what she is.

Interesting that girls are "young women" when it suits a misogynist narrative, even though adult women are routinely referred to as "girls" (so women are frequently infantalised to belittle, but elevated to "women" when actually still children to excuse men who may prey on them). Also, you're being quite insulting to men assuming every man would love to be "flattered" by a teenage girl (not that the girl in the situation described is necessarily doing that) - many would certainly not be comfortable should it happen.

Persephonebrown · 10/09/2017 22:01

Noloveofmine, if you had had my experience of a teenager with a crush you would have an entirely different opinion...

amermaideindesguise · 10/09/2017 22:03

my sister got married to the guy she used to babysit for 19 years of a difference and yeah they were at it the full time she had been babysitting for him and his then wife.

ByGum · 10/09/2017 22:04

And if DH wasn't a bit concerned about a teenage girl suddenly changing contact arrangements and asking for his number and asking him to look at her instagram I'd think his own boundaries are messed up to be honest.

Dh just said that even if teenage babysitter just wanted to genuinely be a friend, he'd still not respond because he wants friends his own age where things are equal and theybhave similar lives and experiences. That he would be suspicious of men in their 30s being friends with 16 year old girls.

itsalwaysworkedbefore · 10/09/2017 22:05

Dippingmytoesin..........I think you are right, not all men are perverts.
Persephonebrown.......Bloody hell

NoLoveofMine · 10/09/2017 22:05

Persephonebrown sorry to hear of that experience but in that instance the fault lies with your ex-husband. A 43 year old man who has an "affair" with a 16 year old girl is clearly quite unpleasant in many ways.

Persephonebrown · 10/09/2017 22:05

Also Noloveofmine... I am assuming you are very young, from your posts you sound very innocent ?