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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To breathalyse DP before he drives tomorrow?

203 replies

Ilovecoleslaw · 10/09/2017 02:28

DP gone out for the night with the 'lads', but due to drive at 9-10 tomorrow as planned to go see an old mate and get out of my hair whilst i do my dissertation.

He has form for wanting to drive the morning after a heavy session and sometimes he gets a bit angry/annoyed if i dare suggest the alcohol may still be in his system even though he feels fine.
I have a pack of the france breathalysers that you need to carry in your car when over there, and don't think he can argue with that!
My judgement may be clouded by annoyance as we had planned to spend the night together and he's also just text asking for a lift home at 3, which most certainly won't be happening Hmm
I'm also not entirely sure he'll be going now, as he'll have a stinking hangover and he normally sleeps for the majority of the day after!
But wibu if i were to get him to do the breathalyser?

OP posts:
BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 10/09/2017 10:47

Well if it's your car, perfectly reasonable not to want it driven by someone over the limit

WineAndTiramisu · 10/09/2017 10:47

I think all the people saying she's controlling should think to themselves what they'd think if her DP crashed into one of their family members and killed them whilst over the limit...

And you definitely can stop him if it's your car!

Original poster
Ilovecoleslaw · 10/09/2017 10:49

Sat here crying cause he's saying I've now ruined his day when i pointed it out that it's my car so he can do the test or wait till 2 to drive it.
Also saying how to never ask him for anything again :(
Feeling so so shit about this noe

OP posts:
WineAndTiramisu · 10/09/2017 10:51

There's no need to feel shit, if he was so damn sure he was fine to drive, he'd do the test!

Cambionome · 10/09/2017 10:52

Ignore. Ignore, ignore, ignore ignore.

Or, even better, tell him he's behaving like an entitled idiot and he won't be driving your car again any time soon.

HolidayTimeAgain · 10/09/2017 10:52

He is turning this on you. It's your car all he has to do to have the keys is pass the breth test, he's making a fuss to cover his own unreasonable behaviour.

orlantina · 10/09/2017 10:53

Feeling so so shit about this noe

You'd be feeling more shit if he'd had an accident. Or been pulled over and lost his job.

And he's have been feeling more than shit if that had happened.

If he thinks he's safe to drive, he should take the breath test.

RJnomore1 · 10/09/2017 10:53

If he had 15 units he should really be waiting until 8pm to drive. (I know your body starts metabolising alcohol after 5 minutes but I asked on atraining programme once and was told to count from when you stop drinking not start).

You haven't ruined anything love you've potentially stopped him getting a criminal record and or hurting someone. He's the one who ruined his own day.

This is all very unattractive behaviour on his part, acting like a spoilt little boy now.

RainbowDashian · 10/09/2017 10:54

I think it's reasonable to expect your partner (or anyone) to not drink and drive. YANBU.

LittleOwl153 · 10/09/2017 10:55

Your car? If he thinks he can drive under the influence- just take him off the insurance and refuse him permission permanently. (Likely to have other implications but ...)

pointythings · 10/09/2017 11:00

I probably wouldn't breathalyse him, but if he insisted on driving, I'd be notifying the police. There's really no excuse.

BlueKarou · 10/09/2017 11:01

You're doing the sensible thing. If he thought he would pass the breathalyser then he would be taking the test. This macho bluster is his way of disguising that he doesn't want to take it because he knows he'll fail.

Can you go out for lunch (in your car) and tell him you'll be back at 2 and he can borrow your car then? Don't stay in with him if he's going to have a tantrum.

AvenuesAndAlleyways · 10/09/2017 11:04

You are responsible as the policy holder and if he gets into an accident you will be liable for any claims against your insurance. I wouldn't be brow beaten into something that could have major repercussions to you and innocent road users.

AppalachianWalzing · 10/09/2017 11:04

It's very simple.

He's asking you to let him drive your car while over the limit. You have a responsibility not to let that happen. If he disagrees with that fairly basic premise, then he is an asshole and I would be rethinking the relationship.

If he argues that he's fine- well, then he'd take the test. You need to be sure someone is not drunk before you let them drive your car. You have that responsibility. The only reason to not let you do the test Is because he thinks/knows he'd fail.

He knows he's wrong and he's hoping by making a fuss you'll think you're the one who has to apologise. Go out, do something nice for yourself. Take your keys. Make it clear you are very unhappy, will not be gaslighted and need to have a serious conversation when he's sober.

You are entirely in the right. Don't be swayed by his bullshit which is designed to confuse and wrongdoing you.

LoniceraJaponica · 10/09/2017 11:09

Can't he use public transport to get to where he wants to go?

LittleR1e · 10/09/2017 11:17

He's being childish as it's your car!

NurseButtercup · 10/09/2017 11:20

I have hidden the keys and the car is mine, he's just a named driver on it, so i suppose i can stop him. I'm happy if he waits till 2pm to drive or do the breathalyser before hand!

This is the right thing to do you're not being unreasonable.

Sat here crying cause he's saying I've now ruined his day

Please stop crying and don't let him gaslight you either.

Just stick to your earlier stance, do the breathalyser or wait until 2pm. Ignore his tantrumming.

Good luck Flowers

SoPassRemarkable · 10/09/2017 11:22

If he writes your car off while drunk your insurance won't pay a penny towards it.

Jaxhog · 10/09/2017 11:24

Hide the car keys now, and tell him he can have them back if he takes the breathalyser.

Original poster
Ilovecoleslaw · 10/09/2017 11:25

He's apologised for being a knob, and says he'll wait till 2 to drive.
Still refuses to do the breathalyser because he said it makes him feel like a criminal Hmm can't really see his point, but at least he's going to wait till 2.

Thankyou for all for making me feel like I'm making the right decision Flowers

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 10/09/2017 11:26

So tell him that if he takes the test and it's negative it proves he's right, but as he won't it proves he's at best unsure or in reality, positive that he's still over the limit.

And in future, he can do what he likes when it's his car.

Char22thom · 10/09/2017 11:27

He is likely over the limit and knows it, otherwise he would take the test to prove you wrong, he knows he will fail it and doesn't want you to be right. Ignore him like you would ignore a toddler having a paddy, that's all he is doing, if he wants to go out he takes the test first, simple x

ZaphodBeeblerox · 10/09/2017 11:27

Good for you OP. He can take the breathalyser and once he's clear can drive. Or he can take the bus.

Some truly weird responses on this thread overnight and I genuinely hope it's just people not thinking things through. A drunk driver's "needs and agency" don't trump the rights of the rest of us not to get mowed down on the road. And even more bizarre when clearly being drunk will impact your decision-making ability.

Just put this down to him being drunk and get on with your dissertation OP. Go out if you need a quiet place to work. And you can have a more reasoned conversation with him when he's sobered up.

orlantina · 10/09/2017 11:28

And in future, he can do what he likes when it's his car

But if your partner is over the limit and then go out and you know they are over the limit, should you call the police?

Kittychatcat · 10/09/2017 11:29

Don't feel bad, op. You are absolutely right to not let your DH drive your car. My cousin was killed by a drunk driver when she was 18. She was due to start university and had her whole life in front of her. Her father died a few years later from a heart attack due to all the stress. The man who killed her was just a normal, average bloke who'd just 'had a few' with his friends and couldn't stop the car in time on a pedestrian crossing the next morning. Op, do this for my cousin and all the other families like ours.

Show your DP my reply if it helps.