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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....to send a terse note to these families? And maybe an invoice?

300 replies

agirlcalledmove · 08/09/2017 20:33

My Daughter is 16. Her party is tomorrow....first one for 5 years. I have saved forever to do a fun and unusual activity for her "friendship group". Invites given out late July before school broke up. Reminder invites by instagram in August before deadline for paying deposit and ordering/paying for food. Directions to venue and disclaimers along with paper reminder given out at beginning of this week for invitees.

TONIGHT 3 people have told daughter they are not coming. 2 have yet to say yes or no. Out of 12 (including daughter). Minimum for activity is 10.

When, just when did people become so rude and unfeeling never mind unconscious of wasting money????????????????

OP posts:
Krissiew · 10/09/2017 17:30

Apologies for very bad typing

blankface · 10/09/2017 17:33

Great result Op, so pleased your DD has had a wonderful birthday to remember.
Flowers Star Halo Chocolate Cake Bear

Also secretly glad the campers who behaved so nastily to your DD were washed-out. Grin

Jaxhog · 10/09/2017 17:37

So glad it worked out ok.

Groovee · 10/09/2017 17:38

Glad your Dd had a fab 16th birthday x

KnowsStuff · 10/09/2017 17:39

P.S Sending them a note gives them power, allowing them to know you are bothered. I'd be seriously tempted to invoice them lol but again probably not worth the hassle and typing time. X

Craigie · 10/09/2017 17:55

Of course YABU, and stop organising your daughter's social life.

ProphetOfDoom · 10/09/2017 18:07

Glad dd had a great time & can catch up with those who did turn up at school too. They sound like the friendships to nurture.

I had this with my dd who invited three girls she thought were her closest friends to her birthday sleepover - one never confirmed despite an invite and speaking to the mum directly and the other 2 dropped out the evening before. It's taken her a while (she's now 11) to work out that the friends who are reliable and kind are the ones worth sticking with.

If the 4 camping girls mention it dd can say 'you missed a blast' and shrug them off as insignificant to her life.

Garofbalaxy · 10/09/2017 18:12

I'm a preschool practitioner and try very hard not to gender stereotype, however the "bitchy girl" nonsense is very real and starts young. We had 2, 4 year old girls last year who could've given your 16 year olds a run for their money in the bitchy stakes, and they were always picking up and dropping others when it suited them. On the other hand boys tend to just have a brawl and it's over with. I'm glad your daughter had a good day out, I struggled with finding a group to fit in with at school but found my feet at uni, hopefully she does the same.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/09/2017 18:19

You and DD won out in the end by having a great day. With the six defectors and their parents - it would be so satisfying to say something or invoice but in reality it would just taint the lovely day you had. Also, if you contacted all of them and complained it would become a big deal - you wouldn't get much out of them by way of apology, or anything else and it might cause them to gang up on DD. I'd waft off feeling superior that you and DD had a better time without them. News of how good it was will spread without you doing anything at all, and they will feel more gutted on that account than anything else. Well done to both of you
on getting through this so well

pollymere · 10/09/2017 18:42

We invited some other friends at the last minute who had a great time. Or offer lifts to the kids who've said they have a lift problem.

Willow2017 · 10/09/2017 19:25

Krissiew

RTFT
The op paid for everything the parents went out of pocket. OP was out of pocket ad she still had to pay fir the ones who pulled out at the last minute.

What 16 yr old wants to go to someone's house and 'dance' around the bedroom and 'play games' for a party?

Willow2017 · 10/09/2017 19:27

Craig's
Organising the 16th birthday party that your daughter has CHOSEN is organising her social life? Wtf?

The girls all accepted the invite them planned something else and pulled out. How is it ops fault?

ShellyBoobs · 10/09/2017 19:33

Just read the whole thread.

So pleased to see it all worked out in the end, OP, and that your DD had a day to remember for the right reasons.

It's tough for girls and their flaky, cliquey groups. I remember how awful a time I had in many ways at 16yo but I wasn't lucky enough to have fantastic mum like you on my side. I'm sure your DD appreciates you so very much.

Flowers
llangennith · 10/09/2017 19:42

Glad it all turned out so well OP and that your DD had a lovely birthdaySmile

lilypoppet · 10/09/2017 19:53

I had this once. I'd invited all her boys and on the day she said she wasnt co.ing barely an apology when I'd had to leave out two children who'd have loved to have come and the I was three short. It's really annoying but not much you can do I'm afraid.

Shadow666 · 10/09/2017 19:57

My son is 8 and there is so much "bitchyness" among the boys in his class. Why they can't all just play nicely together is beyond me but they're always switching and swapping who they are friends with and who is on the outs. My daughter has never had this problem.

It sounds like the friends the OP's daughter has are flakey. I'm glad she had a nice birthday.

5BlueHydrangea · 10/09/2017 20:04

Pleased you had good fun. My dd did paint balling for her 18th. Had a brilliant time. Unfortunately I was pregnant so couldn't join in but was rather jealous!

Carriecakes80 · 10/09/2017 20:26

Firstly, hope your daughter gets this sorted, no kid should be let down on her birthday, secondly, all kids are different, why would anyone be 'surprised' at a 16 yr old choosing paintballing?? My daughter would be thrilled to bits to be invited to go paintballing, she hates these girly bitch sessions that most girls choose for their birthdays, talking about Love Island (or whatever crap is on telly these days lol) beautifying themselves up on snapchat, giving each other dog noses and slagging off the other girls in their year group, she would run a mile! My younger daughter however would prefer to have a Gym and ftness party (?) while my boys prefer to have sleepovers, and when asked if there would be alcohol, they turned their nose up and said "We're not 40 mum."! lol!! All kids are different. I would have just fancied getting pissed on 20-20, Diamond White or Blue Strawberry and snogging the lad next door when I was younger! Perfick ;-) x

Original poster
agirlcalledmove · 10/09/2017 20:28

Cheers to you all!

My daughter had a great day

to "Craigie"...why would I not help out my daughter to have a good day? Her choice, her effort in inviting and chasing the girls. I'm assuming you wouldn't have her finance it herself? These are year 11 girls....not 20 somethings, not even 6th formers.
Living rurally if parents don't get involved then under 18s don't have a social life. We don't all have access to public transport and cycling is not always possible/desirable.

Re finances...this was not one-upmanship. Having not had a party for several years my daughter wanted to mark a (to us) significant birthday and understood the financial implications for our family. As far as it is possible for one to tell from outside her friends all come from significantly better off households than us (not that that matters but just for context). Yes you may think it's a show-off party but to us it was an effort to do something fun and to treat these girls well. WE could have invited them for something else but we thought they would enjoy this.

Krissie: 15/16 year olds are unlikely to think that party games and tea at my house surrounded by younger siblings is attractive as a Saturday pursuit and I'm not organising a piss up in the barns and a roll in the hay! That's not what my daughter would want. Fine if yours would and you don't mind!

As a nod to the company "lining their pockets at others expense" although it was expensive for us actually it cost less than a teen ticket to a movie and dominoes pizza for the same number for 5 1/2 hours of full on fun, outdoors exercising and lunch with enthusiastic and helpful leaders. I thought they earned their money and it was good value. I doubt anyone would describe pizza and a movie as a show-off birthday party!

Again I am grateful for all the good wishes and helpful comments.

Memories are precious and I think we made some good ones in the end.

OP posts:
AtHomeDadGlos · 10/09/2017 20:33

Ignore the naysayers. Bunch of idiots. Glad it rained on the mean girls.

LaughingElliot · 10/09/2017 20:38

HAHAHAHa @ "music and games at home" for a bunch of teenagers.

OP I'm so pleased to hear your daughter's 16th was a blast. What a fantastic outing.

Awful for you all that six of her friends let her down on an important occasion but you've handled it perfectly.

smileyfacechocolatebutton · 10/09/2017 20:44

So glad your dd had a fab birthday in the end. You sound like a lovely Mum xx

Brenna24 · 10/09/2017 20:48

I am really glad she had a great day. And I am not-so-secretly glad the campers got washed out. Serves them right. A very happy birthday to your DD and many more fun ones to come.

BikeRunSki · 10/09/2017 20:49

I feel your pain OP. DS is younger, but had his party today. I did whole invitations in July, reminders this week etc thing. Then saw parents at school this week. Got a cancellation - from someone who had RSVP'ed- first thing this morning, for a pre existing arrangement! Why even accept???? A different child could have had that space!

MammaTJ · 10/09/2017 20:58

(escaped DV,relocated and work silly hours) and really feel for DD as I don't give her the example of emotional resilience and social dexterity that I would like to.

EXCUSE ME!! How does someone who has escaped DV not give the example of resilience and social dexterity that they would like to?

You are the absolute perfect example of that!!

BTW although the forecast was fair...localised thunderstorms did hit the camping trip....for which actually I feel a bit sorry (but not that much!)

Karma does exist, or right triumphs over wrong or somesuch!! Whatever, it happened and should make you and DD smile quite a lot, no matter how nice you are.

You sound like you are doing so well, in spite of so much! All credit to you and some to your DD,xx