Pre baby, child free by choice friend

[abigailgabble]

Is it just me or is it hard work? My social life is nonexistent I'm 99% hermit by choice, not my strong point so maybe I'm too out of touch.
Friend was going to pop over for a cup of tea this afternoon about 6-8, with her dog . She lives about 25 mns away but I rarely see her these days. My baby (4mo) is hot, clammy and has been screaming for 2 hours for no apparent reason so I've put her, and her dog , off (at about 4pm). She seems narked/has replied "I could have gone to the gym". AIBU?

I wouldn't be annoyed myself, but as a childfree person I do get quite disappointed when my parent friends cancel our plans, because I was looking forward to seeing them. I do find that they assume my time is less important too sadly. If she's a valued friend to you, I'd suggest making a special effort to book in a slot with her, and get someone to look after the baby for a while, so you can catch up and ensure you both have each other's full attention. She might be missing your company and friendship!

I can see why she's annoyed at being cancelled on at such short notice. Not sure what the fact she doesn't have children has to do with it.

Yes I think it was the short notice which was annoying for her. Couldn't be helped but she was probably disappointed.

I would imagine it is the combination of rarely seeing her and putting her off at short notice, as well as the fact that you don't seem to register that this might be upsetting or disappointing for her.

Presumably she can still go to the gym if she was coming over at 6pm?

With the best will in the world, you made an arrangement to see your friend. You then rearranged to accommodate your child. She could have planned her day more productively had you had the courtesy to give her some warning. It's very disrespectful towards your friend to assume she will be hanging around waiting for an audience.

I expect she would have been p'd off at coming over and then sitting listening to a screaming baby though. What exactly are you expected to do? People don't give notice when they're going to be ill, it's not very supportive of her to give you attitude about it! Hope dc is better soon

I agree with the above, she was probably looking forward to catching up with you if she hasn't seen you in a while and was disappointed at the change of plans at such short notice.
Hopefully you can reschedule with her soon.

I completely understand why you cancelled but I have child free friends who have told me how hurtful it is to be cancelled on all the time by people with babies and small children.

Exhausting as it is I think sometimes to preserve a friendship you shouldn't cancel even when its not a great moment.

I'm just wondering if you saw your friend more often before your baby was born? She may be missing you as a friend and have been looking forward to spending some time with you. I'm CF by choice and understand that your baby comes first but I've had friends who completely changed once they had the baby.

That's what I'm saying - is she annoyed because she is child free thus does not understand quite what it is like when your child is unwell (pre baby I would not have really understood) or is she annoyed because I'm a cow?

That's why her being childfree is relevant (sorry posted too soon)

Sounds like she's disappointed to be cancelled on. It's never nice. It's irrelevant whether she has children or not.

No we have never seen each that frequently. She and I are both homebodies who like to do our own thing. Always happy when we meet up though.

I've got 2 DC and probably wouldn't cancel for an ill child TBH. An extra pair of hands and some company can take the stress of dealing with a screaming child away. I'd let them know my baby was ill and let them decide whether to come or not.

I probably having a failure to understand though (often I am) as I'm always relieved to be cancelled on as I have roaring anxiety.

Also, CF by choice doesn't mean 'baby hater'. I love playing Auntie to my friends' kids, did you tell her the baby was ill and offer the choice of coming or not? I've visited when baby was ill, and helped out by cuddling/helping with medication/giving mum 5 minutes to herself to go to the toilet. Maybe your friend would have wanted to come anyway?

She's not a baby hater at all but she wanted to bring her not even 1yo retriever so it would have been chaos/not helpful

Sorry, but there is no excuse for poor manners. The baby isn't going to be so unwell and yet miraculously regain its health in the space of a few hours - or not so much so that you can actually predict the child has the powers of Lazarus

Well I do feel like a dick particularly at the idea that I think her time is less important than mine (I don't!) and will obviously try to reschedule. It really wouldn't have been fun for anyone thought this he's only peaceful now as he's asleep! To me it would be more antisocial to haul me out of my home at rush hour to sit with a fussy grizzling baby for two hours!

This is yet another example of why I am better off being friendless, yes it's boring but much less stressful!

You're not a cow at all! You just did what you felt was the right thing for your circumstances at the time. That involves disappointing people sometimes, but if she's a grown-up she'll get over it. Despite what I said above, when this happens to me I usually can see that my friend has their hands full, and it wouldn't have been a relaxing evening anyway as they'd have been harassed, or if we were out, worried about how it was going at home. Just be glad you have a friend that cares enough to want to see you

Sorry @FenceSitter01 but I'm not following

That's what I'm saying - is she annoyed because she is child free thus does not understand quite what it is like when your child is unwell (pre baby I would not have really understood) or is she annoyed because I'm a cow?

Child free people aren't idiots. She probably thought you should have let her know earlier if your baby was that sick that you've needed to cancel. I'd bet it was the short notice that was the issue.

You should have told her the child was ill and ask if she would prefer to:
a) leave the dog; or
b) re-arrange the visit.

Those of us who are child-free do have a basic grasp of what an ill child entails.

In general, I find people far too keen to cancel/change/reschedule plans at short notice these days. I think because it can be done by text. Much harder to do in the olden days when you had to use the telephone.

But my baby was fine earlier