Pre baby, child free by choice friend

[abigailgabble]

Is it just me or is it hard work? My social life is nonexistent I'm 99% hermit by choice, not my strong point so maybe I'm too out of touch.
Friend was going to pop over for a cup of tea this afternoon about 6-8, with her dog . She lives about 25 mns away but I rarely see her these days. My baby (4mo) is hot, clammy and has been screaming for 2 hours for no apparent reason so I've put her, and her dog , off (at about 4pm). She seems narked/has replied "I could have gone to the gym". AIBU?

*Anyway I text her sorry and I'll drop in

OP FWIW I was the last of my friends to have DC yet I always totally understood when they had to cancel numerous times over the years at short notice, or worse dash off home when we were already out due to a sick baby . It's disappointing but unavoidable and definitely not rude, unlike your friend's response which was very rude. I think it comes down to whether or not you both value the friendship enough to accommodate the changing dynamics through their and your own life changes.

Oh give over - the OP has already said she gets anxious. Just cos she's worried about her friend's lack of reply doesn't mean she's hard work!

@PollyFlint ¯\(ツ)/¯

We are millennials we haven't been unconnected to even run a bath since about year 7

Also I'm not offended I'm a guilty feeling shitty idiot of a human just doing her cruddy best and flopping over pathetically as usual

That was to PollyFlint by the way

You're not an idiot! You also have a fine turn of phrase :)

@JamPasty MARRY ME. Just don't expect me to turn up on the big day that's all.

@abigailgabble - you're on, we can avoid the day in synchrony :)

OP, I completely think it's that she doesn't understand, being childfree. I struggle to relate to childfree friends as they don't "get it". All my friends with children do.

@TenForward82
Honestly
I struggle to relate to all my friends who don't understand owning a business

I struggle to relate to all my friends who don't have a parent with dementia

I struggle to relate to all my friends who haven't been divorced

etc etc

Oh no I don't. Actually
because it's called empathy and understanding and knowing that any situation is individual and different.

What is it with these "oh they don't understand" folk. Like having a child gives you some automatic gift of understanding

Rose, do you have kids?

I cannot bear those who bleat on like the childfree live in a state of darkness and ignorance and only get it once they procreate and join the club of the enlightened, the club of mummies

@tenforward82 she says earlier in the thread that she doesn't.

So I guess her life is silly and inconsequential and she just doesn't understand.

Was it the dog coming round that was really the problem?

I can imagine it being very stressful having a young bouncy dog around while trying to care for a fussy baby.

I am honestly curious what percentage of the women bristling with outrage on this thread actually have children. Cos if you don't, that's kind of my point.

I, myself, personally struggle to relate to those who don't have children. Maybe it's because I have PND and have found becoming a mother life-changing in both good and bad ways. I'm not saying it's a universal experience. So calm yer tits, ladies.

McTufty, no, she doesn't understand the challenge of raising a 5 month old. Clearly.

But if it's your friend coming over to your house, I don't get why you'd cancel. Surely your friend doesn't need much entertaining? I mean if I went to my friends and their baby was unsettled or screaming, I'd be happy to go round, make myself useful, hold the baby if she was desperate for a shower or make some tea, do the washing up etc.

Former, that's great that you would but not everyone is like that. Come round mine!

@McTufty do you have kids?

I'm a child-free friend. Gotta say, I give all of my mum mates a free pass on this one. They have to cancel because the kids are sick, the babysitter fell through, they're just knackered. It's life with kids! I totally understand, even though it's not my reality.
I made a bunch of other kid-free friends, just like most of my mum mates made new mum friends. It's quite natural, really.
We see each other when we can, mostly on their terms. And I don't mind that, as often there's just no other way. I know that I can afford to be flexible. They can't. Yeah, it can be annoying with cancellations etc, buy I'd never say so. Mums don't need to be made feel worse...

No I don't have children. That's my point!!!
No one can ever understand what it's like to walk in someone else's shoes
That's what empathy is for. That's why I pointed out things that I have dealt with that people might think I don't think they would understand.
Only I do think anyone who is human understands that all of life is hard and complicated. No one gets a special "in" card.
And to think that all women who don't have children just "don't get it" is crass

No one and I mean no one apprecIates a A last minute cancellation

It's that simple - apology needed

Standing ovation for @juicycake! You're a star

@tenforward82

I am sorry you have PND. I have been suicidal with depression and I know that it can make relating hard

That's a slightly separate issue though. Of course childfree people need to understand once their friends have children they have repsonsibilities. Do you think this consideration is a one way street or do you think that parents need to be considerate that they can't just play fast and loose with childfree people's time because the inconvenience to them is the same whatever the reason for cancelling?

Or do you think once you're a parent you have carte Blanche to do what you like and if anyone complains it's ok to make disparaging remarks about their childfree status?

@Worriedrose, in this context, having a screaming 4 month old trumps a grumble about missing out a gym session. When does OP get to go the gym?

Very few things affect you like having and caring for a child. I totally didn't get that before I had a child. It's been a humbling experience for me.