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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pre baby, child free by choice friend

156 replies

abigailgabble · 08/09/2017 17:10

Is it just me or is it hard work? My social life is nonexistent I'm 99% hermit by choice, not my strong point so maybe I'm too out of touch.
Friend was going to pop over for a cup of tea this afternoon about 6-8, with her dog . She lives about 25 mns away but I rarely see her these days. My baby (4mo) is hot, clammy and has been screaming for 2 hours for no apparent reason so I've put her, and her dog , off (at about 4pm). She seems narked/has replied "I could have gone to the gym". AIBU?

OP posts:
McTufty · 08/09/2017 22:49

Who has invalidated the experience of mums? I've said I think people need to be considerate of the fact that their friends with children have responsibilities. I just think there should be some reciprocity of consideration for the childfree.

OP I am not infertile as yet as not been trying for a year so hopefully it will happen for me Smile I just meant generally.

I just think everyone should be sensitive to everyone whatever their situation and that this does not start and end with having children.

TenForward82 · 08/09/2017 22:49

Purple, you're willfully misunderstanding my point. Have fun with that.

PurpleDaisies · 08/09/2017 22:50

How have I done that then ten?

TenForward82 · 08/09/2017 22:52

I've made my points in previous posts. Not repeating myself for people not even interested in understanding. Night. Gotta be up early with baby, natch.

PurpleDaisies · 08/09/2017 22:54

So because you have a child, that automatically means your view is the right one? There you go again...

AlmostAJillSandwich · 08/09/2017 22:55

Tbh purple does have a point.
People without children can be more "busy" and have less free time, or not be able to do things so spontaneously, than someone who does have a child.

slashlover · 08/09/2017 23:13

The fact is children take up a great deal of a person's time and energy. Pre baby, I used to think I was busy too. I was very much mistaken.

So it doesn't matter if you have a job/caring responsibilities/sick relatives etc. You aren't really busy until you have a kid.

People have different lives, you can't lump everyone without a baby together, in much the same way as you can't lump everyone with a baby in together.

Worriedrose · 09/09/2017 00:24

@TenForward82
You are just coming across as a deeply unpleasant person
I feel sorry for you that you feel so strongly superior to anyone who is childless
And mumsnet is not only for mums

I can't even be bothered to engage anymore with someone like you
And op
As I have said a lot. You know why your friend is upset, one tends to know these things deep down. Dump your friend for being a twat. Or stop being such a twat to your friend

Night to all the mothers out there!!! I'm sure they'll be so much busier than me they won't even have time to faff around with mumsnet!!! Hmm

MargaretCavendish · 09/09/2017 00:38

Welp, the way I look at it is - all mums have been childless women at some point. So we have experience of both sides of the coin. Childless / childfree have only one experience to draw on.

No, we all only have our own experience, and our empathy, to draw on. Just because you didn't have children in your 20s doesn't mean you know what it's like to be childfree/less in your 30s, for instance. None of my friends who are mothers had multiple miscarriages, so actually none of them have experienced what my current childlessness feels like. We all need to use empathy to understand each others' lives, not just those without children.

slashlover · 09/09/2017 06:17

Childless / childfree have only one experience to draw on.

Childless and childfree mean different things. Childfree usually means the person has chosen not to have kids. Childless means the person has not had a child yet (through choice so far, or though having fertility issues etc.)

I am childfree and would never say I have the same experience as a childless person.

PurpleDaisies · 09/09/2017 08:34

I am childfree and would never say I have the same experience as a childless person.

And I'm guessing you wouldn't say you have the same experience as all other childfree people either. We're all different with different lives and different capacities for empathy and kindness. That doesn't divide neatly down the with children/without children line.

my2bundles · 09/09/2017 09:25

Babies and children can come down with illness very quickly. One example when my dd was 18 months is that she was perfectly healthy yet 90 minutes later she was in hospital with suspected menigitis, it turned out to be something else but needed a 5 night hospital stay. My son was fine yet an half an hour later started coming out in chicken pox. My point is we don't cancel last minute because we think our needs trump those of non parents. We cancel last minute because the health of the small people we are responsible for HAS to be our priority every single time.

TenForward82 · 09/09/2017 09:36

I don't feel superior to childless people. I just acknowledge that I have experience that they don't. That's not superiority, that's just fact. It doesn't make me better, but it does open my eyes. Nothing affects you like giving birth to and raising children. Nothing. That's my opinion.

Prusik · 09/09/2017 09:52

This is an absolutely crazy thread. IF DS came down poorly I could spend 90 minutes upstairs with a tired, screaming baby trying to calm him to help him to sleep. Not what a visiting friend wants to have to put up with and I wouldn't be able to see the friend anyway with all that going on. Kids are unpredicable. That's life

my2bundles · 09/09/2017 09:57

Adding to my previous comment. When we have a child coming down with something, esp when they are small babies like the op we like to keep a very close eye on them, monitor them, keep the house quiet and focus on their needs. Esp n the case of babies which are very new and we are still getting used to caring for them and how they react when I'll, you carnt do thus with visitors or springy strange dogs in the house. My dog loving 9 year old would still become distressed at a strange dog in the house when he is ill. When you are a parent your life change completely. The children quite rightly are your priority and adult friends do need to accept this fact.

my2bundles · 09/09/2017 10:42

And those posters who seem to think we should drop our children's needs to acomodate them really need a reality check 😡

Worriedrose · 09/09/2017 11:08

@my2bundles
I really don't think you understand the way this thread went.

JamPasty · 09/09/2017 11:18

TenForward82 - I fail to see how not having had the same experience (ie having children) mean that those of us without kids can't empathise with those of you that do? I've not lost my parents for example, but that doesn't mean I can't empathise with those that have.

McTufty · 09/09/2017 11:42

And those posters who seem to think we should drop our children's needs to acomodate them really need a reality check

Literally no one has said that.

my2bundles · 09/09/2017 12:01

IT was implied by posters who said they are fed up of parents using their children last minute as an excuse to get out of meeting up. So many things crop up last minute with children, things we have no control over and other plans do have to be cancelled. It's hard enough we have to let people down but even worse when the guilt card is played on us. If I cancel plans because of my children it us because their needs are my priority and rightly so, I don't use them as an excuse.

SilverBirchTree · 09/09/2017 13:11

Yep, YABU.

Your time is not more important than her time.

Cancelling late is rude. If you didn't want the dog to come you should have said.

MiaowTheCat · 09/09/2017 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gandalfspants · 09/09/2017 13:31

I don't see how a grumpy 4 month old and an excitable dog would be any worse than a normal 4 month old and an excitable dog?

If you didn't want the dog to come you should have said that in the first place. Which if your house isn't dog-friendly or your baby spends time on the floor is totally acceptable.

I have an almost 1 year old and two excitable dogs, had a 4 month old and one excitable dog in January, keeping the floor clean enough for a crawling baby is a right pita and I wouldn't inflict it on anyone else unless they were 100% happy with it.

With regard to the short notice cancellation, I would have been v. apologetic and said she could still come if she wanted but it may not be much fun, and you might not be able to concentrate on conversation properly.

People with babies and children sometimes need to cancel short notice, but if you do it too often without really good reasons people will think you're just being flaky, one NCT mum in our group has had various illnesses, flat tyres, double bookings, and days from hell, and it's got to the point that we think she just doesn't like us.

silentpool · 09/09/2017 13:37

Having children doesn't excuse you for being thoughtless, OP. Despite not having children, I am sure she values her free time and does not appreciate being dropped at the last minute.

Worriedrose · 09/09/2017 14:05

@gandalfspants
This

The whole point of this thread was is the op a flakey person who consistently lets down her friend. She implies yes and then says no.

Only she knows. Everyone else bringing in how childless folk just don't understand is just uncalled for

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