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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pre baby, child free by choice friend

156 replies

abigailgabble · 08/09/2017 17:10

Is it just me or is it hard work? My social life is nonexistent I'm 99% hermit by choice, not my strong point so maybe I'm too out of touch.
Friend was going to pop over for a cup of tea this afternoon about 6-8, with her dog . She lives about 25 mns away but I rarely see her these days. My baby (4mo) is hot, clammy and has been screaming for 2 hours for no apparent reason so I've put her, and her dog , off (at about 4pm). She seems narked/has replied "I could have gone to the gym". AIBU?

OP posts:
notanotherNC · 08/09/2017 21:53

I wouldn't worry about it. Childless people will never "get" it. If she had of come over she would have moaned about your baby crying and probably been all "I could never cope with this" and been all smug about not having a baby and how wonderful and meaningful her life is with all the exercise she does at the gym. Yet she probably treats her dog like a baby anyway!

TenForward82 · 08/09/2017 21:55

Tufty, I think childfree friend can go to the gym next week, that's what I think. Kids and unpredictable. Babies even more so. That's not playing fast and loose, that's reality as a parent.

When my DD was screaming sometimes I had to go lie down next to her and cosleep. How am I meant to entertain a friend while that's happening, exactly?

Appreciate the flowers though.

TenForward82 · 08/09/2017 21:55

Kids are*

Worriedrose · 08/09/2017 21:56

@McTufty
Says what I want to say but much more eloquently

@juicycake
I feel the same
It's just hard when you feel that new parents somehow feel that they've now got something you'll never understand. Like I said. There are lots of things in life that people experience that others don't.
We all try to understand

TenForward82 · 08/09/2017 21:59

Her friend is clearly NOT trying to understand though, is she? She's getting pissy about how she could have better spent her time.

Worriedrose · 08/09/2017 22:00

@TenForward82
I think we are all projecting a bit!

There are two ways to look at this:
Her friend is self absorbed who doesn't understand anything...

she has let her friend down a lot and it's finally got to her...

Bringing in the "you couldn't never understand unless you have children" is bullshit

McTufty · 08/09/2017 22:01

OP I don't have kids. I am desperate to, but it hasn't happened yet. I find it so cruel when people say things like "she can go to the gym next week" or words to the effect of whatever is going on in a childfree person's life just isn't that important.

I understand parents have responsibilities. Someone dropped out of coming to my wedding 2 hours before because of an ill child, I said so so sorry she's ill, hope he gets well soon.

However I also have friends with children who consistently mess me around using their children as an excuse. I imagine they think this is ok and I have to just deal with it because my needs are subservient on account of not managing to stray a family yet.

McTufty · 08/09/2017 22:03

*he's ill

JuicyCake · 08/09/2017 22:12

Whilst I do think that while we do understand (and we do) ... I must agree with mums, that as child-free folk we most definitely don't "get" it.
Having a baby is mind blowing, I believe. Utterly life changing. And do think that women move onto anothef, previously unknown level. A shift in gear.
The lives of mothers & child-free women are as different as night & day, to my mind.
And I say this as someone who'd like to have a child, myself.

slashlover · 08/09/2017 22:17

If she had of come over she would have moaned about your baby crying and probably been all "I could never cope with this" and been all smug about not having a baby and how wonderful and meaningful her life is with all the exercise she does at the gym. Yet she probably treats her dog like a baby anyway!

Projecting a bit there. I'm child free but have a friend who has a sick child (operations etc.) and I have never done any of this! I try and help, even if that's just keeping kid entertained for an hour to give her a break.

I have a cat, she is spoiled and I do sometimes treat her like my baby.

We have made different choices in life, one is not better than the other, they are the most appropriate for us.

Original poster
abigailgabble · 08/09/2017 22:22

I as a previous child free most definitely did not "get it" prior to shocking oxytocin ambush of birth. It has been a profound experience. all of those who are still waiting @McTufty @JuicyCake, you are in for a treat! Flowers

OP posts:
Worriedrose · 08/09/2017 22:27

@abigailgabble
Only you know your friend. You probably, definitely know one way or the other why she's acted the way she has. And I doubt you needed to come on here for advice about it

Everyone turning this into a "you don't understand if you don't have children" is really missing the point. And clearly it's tough for everyone.
No one who has children would ever known the pain and grief of not having children, just try and imagine it, it's not talked about, you're not in a club.

McTufty · 08/09/2017 22:30

Thank you OP, but please try to understand not everyone who wants to be will be able to be a parent. For some people, their lesser existence as a childfree person will be all they ever know. Please try not to belittle what they have going on in their lives (I don't mean cancelling today - I already said upthread assuming you don't have form for this it's fair enough - I mean the attitude of childfree don't get it)

JuicyCake · 08/09/2017 22:31

Thanks, abigailgabble. I've never longed for children, but I would love it to happen to me. So, I don't feel incomplete as such. But I know there's another life out there... And, well, I'd like to experience it. If I can!

PurpleDaisies · 08/09/2017 22:39

For some people, their lesser existence as a childfree person will be all they ever know.

Lesser existence? Is this a joke?

McTufty · 08/09/2017 22:41

@purpledaisies

Not a joke as such, more a sarky remark about the fact that some people on this thread seem to view it as such.

I do not think childfree people or their lives or their interests or wishes or feelings or opinions etc are any less valid than those of parents, and that's been my point all thread.

MammaTJ · 08/09/2017 22:43

She had two hours notice of you cancelling a slot that ended four hours after that.

She could have totally still gone to the gym for an hour and was glad to use you for an excuse not to!!

She is not so much angry, as grateful for the excuse!!

YANBU!!

Original poster
abigailgabble · 08/09/2017 22:43

I don't mean to belittle AT ALL, truly. I am reflecting on my personal experience, having spent much of my life as a very cynical, detached person and recently undergoing a shocking about face that I did not anticipate, despite all the anticipating, iyswim. Idk Perhaps that's why I feel quite evangelical and far away from my child free self, because I was so cold in the first place.

And I wouldn't want to speak to you assuming you will never have children either, out of the two possibilities I would prefer to anticipate that you will as that's what you want.

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 08/09/2017 22:43

You mention she is similar in the keeping herself to herself, could it be that she too, finds social interaction difficult/stressful/anxiety inducing and has really worked herself up for this, then you've cancelled last minute?
I don't have kids but do know from talking to friends babies and young children can be fine one minute then come down with something really quickly, far more so than an adult would, and that it can be completely unexpected. But she might not know that, i was only enlightened by chance, so she may well think you could have told her this morning if baby was sick, rather than let her get all sorted and ready for the rush hour drive, to be told last minute. (im staring at the word minute convinced it is spelled wrong but cant for the life of me think how it should be spelled)
And she might indeed think you couldn't be bothered and decided never mind i'll just cancel and make up an excuse that sounds plausible.
Either way, she's disappointed. Hopefully you manage to re arrange and get well soon baby!

TenForward82 · 08/09/2017 22:43

Welp, the way I look at it is - all mums have been childless women at some point. So we have experience of both sides of the coin. Childless / childfree have only one experience to draw on. Invalidating the experience of mums on a forum called Mumsnet is a bit ironic!

The fact is children take up a great deal of a person's time and energy. Pre baby, I used to think I was busy too. I was very much mistaken.

Best of luck to those trying Flowers

TenForward82 · 08/09/2017 22:44

OP, you sound a lot like me!

PurpleDaisies · 08/09/2017 22:44

tufty I've just realised you've been all over the thread saying basically what I think. Ignore my other post.

I absolutely hate threads like this with smug mummies telling others that their time isn't important and there's no way they get it.

Having supported friends and family through having kids gives you a pretty good idea. Comments like this gem If she had of come over she would have moaned about your baby crying and probably been all "I could never cope with this" and been all smug about not having a baby and how wonderful and meaningful her life is with all the exercise she does at the gym. Yet she probably treats her dog like a baby anyway! make me want to throw things.

PurpleDaisies · 08/09/2017 22:46

Childless / childfree have only one experience to draw on.

Because we're all so busy going to the gym and swanning around care free that we don't give a shit about our friends who have had kids and ignore them when they talk to us. Hmm

Original poster
abigailgabble · 08/09/2017 22:47

@TenForward82 very nicely put again

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 08/09/2017 22:48

It's not nicely put. It's reducing women who haven't had children to a single homogeneous group who have the same experience and knowledge of children.

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