Pre baby, child free by choice friend

[abigailgabble]

Is it just me or is it hard work? My social life is nonexistent I'm 99% hermit by choice, not my strong point so maybe I'm too out of touch.
Friend was going to pop over for a cup of tea this afternoon about 6-8, with her dog . She lives about 25 mns away but I rarely see her these days. My baby (4mo) is hot, clammy and has been screaming for 2 hours for no apparent reason so I've put her, and her dog , off (at about 4pm). She seems narked/has replied "I could have gone to the gym". AIBU?

We're you going out somewhere or was she coming to your house for a cup of tea and chat? If you were going to stay at yours, I don't know why you'd cancel? I'd still have a friend over or go to my friends in that situation.

Maybe I should have said come over anyway but I personally would have found that to be a bit of a shitty kipper/stressful/a stitch up of her - expecting her to give up her Friday night to listen to my baby make a noise like he's running out of batteries

In the OP you say friend was going to "pop over".

Later you say "To me it would be more antisocial to haul me out of my home at rush hour to sit with a fussy grizzling baby for two hours!"

If you were driving the friend or meeting her someone else then it's completely different.

@slashlover ey? She was coming over to me via her transport

Slash - I think OP was putting herself in the position of the friend when she wrote that.

@slashlover as in if I were her/she were me. Baby screaming g2g

This is what it means:

To me (OP) it would be more antisocial to haul me (friend) out of my (friend's) home at rush hour to sit with a fussy grizzling baby for two hours

She probably just doesn't get it. Just explain to her that the baby is sick and will give you no peace. Subs arrange an alternative time to meet when your DP can watch your baby if necessary so that you won't have to reschedule.

I reckon your friend knows you are a touch anti-social and thinks you are either lying or using your baby as an excuse because you cba. If you had given her the option to come anyway, she wouldn't have felt like that.

I think she may be partially right and that you were secretly relieved to have an excuse to cancel ;-)

I think you were maybe relieved to have a reason to cancel too.

I'm surprised at how many people would still have a friend over when one of the dc is ill.

If this were me op I too would have cancelled. I'd want to concentrate on the dc and not on a visitor.

Lol well I am on the one hand relieved to be not socialising, as forever. But I hate to cancel on people because I feel so guilty and anxious about it I would by and large find it less painful to just do the socialising particularly when it's very very low stress like this doesn't even involve buying drinks. But yo are right she knows I'm a flakey mother fucker and probe thinks I am just being a characteristic flake!

Holding baby now all good typing is off

I don't have children and in these circumstances would totally understand. Also, I would just feel in the way, as your attention (quite rightly) would be on your child.

Also, you are having a much worse day than her and I'd have sympathy for that

I have cancelled a million things at the last minute because my babies/ children are ill or have been sick everywhere. This is just part and parcel of raising young children. It does get better. Other parents would have completely understood immediately.

I am surprised she didn't ask you if the baby was okay? That would have been a more expected reply, and at least wishing you both well, going on about the gym when you are worried about your baby being ill is a bit much and sounds selfish to me.

If she lacks empathy to this degree maybe she is not the right friend for you at the moment.

I wouldn't send her any more messages and see if she cares enough to at least find out how you both are. In the meantime try and see if you can bring the temperature down with calpol and call for advice if you are worried. I wouldn't worry about anything other than your baby, focus on the important stuff (and she can still go to the gym after all if that is what is important to her) Me, I would asked if I could drop in any medication and sent you a hug

I'm childfree and I do get a sense that my friends who are parents think it's fine to cancel at will citing children as a reason and expecting you just to be fine with it.

Assuming this is a one off and you're not a repeat offender for cancelling on her for child related reasons, I don't think you did much wrong. It would have been good to give her the choice but she will get over it.

In that situation I would suggest going out for a walk with baby and dog.

1. No good comes of keeping my baby in the house when he's unsettled
2. No good comes of me being stuck in the house with aforementioned unsettled baby
3. Assuming I have the energy to meet friend, chatting while walking would be ideal
4. Dog can roam around and burn off some energy

Sitting around drinking cups of tea isn't really an ideal friend date for me post baby.

Anyway I text her sorry and I'll drop in

@NotTheCoolMum it's a good idea but it's pissing with rain here (also I didn't think of that)

She's probs in the gym!

OP's baby was not ill earlier, so OP couldn't have given more notice of cancelling. As a new parent OP presumably isn't used to judging how poorly a 4month old might be or whether things might improve in a few hours. So cancelling was NU.

Or arranging a weekend of shagging, designer clothes, posh food, white furnishings and foreign holidays like all us child-free ladies ;-)

Haha well I hope so @ChickenVindaloo2

There is clearly a BIG backstory

I think she probably knows you, unlike all of us
I have one flakey friend who has children and I don't
I constantly get the feeling she will use any excuse of her children to duck out of anything
I sort of gave up.

Maybe you should have said, my little one is grouchy and crying and not 100%
DO YOU STILL WANT TO COME OVER GIVEN IT MIGHT NOT BE THAT MUCH FUN FOR YOU.
then it would have been up to her.