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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother and SIL am I being U to say no

269 replies

RedSunflowers · 08/09/2017 16:34

I've had to NC because this could definitely out me....
Ok so really not sure if I'm U, I don't think I am but I want to make sure before this potentially turns into a huge family argument.
My DS and my nephew are in the same class in year 1, we had an email at the end of term (July) to inform us that KS1 would be coming out from now on at 3:30 instead of 3:40, me and other parents that I know had to adjust working hours to do this pick up time (I only had to change one day as the two other days I work I finish at lunch)... My DB and DSIL have a habit of leaving everything to the last minute and if I'm being honest she leaves near enough all sorting out of the children to him, he works in an office and she WFH. Today he picked DN up from mine (as I had collected him three times this week as they finished abit earlier to resettle them in and I didn't mind helping out) and he said to me I need to ask you a favour but I'll call you over the weekend as I'm in a rush. Now I KNOW I just KNOW that he is going to ask me to collect DN with DS everyday and wait for him to get there, this will mean everyday waiting around for him for 10minutes. AIBU to say no? I don't mind helping out every now and then even once or twice a week or something but I don't want to be tied down to this arrangement 5 days a week for the whole of KS1, I'm pregnant and will have a newborn aswell by the end of the year and I don't want this pressure everyday. If you think I'm not BU then how do I say it without causing an argument as I don't want to fall out, we help each other out with the kids frequently.

OP posts:
Appuskidu · 09/09/2017 11:21

No if I say that I will do it for the week and then no more he will be annoyed/upset/disappointed but he will not ignore it

So long as you're sure they are nice people who won't take the piss. Are you sure about this? Having just seen you agree with this question...

red you've posted about these two before havnt you? Are you very close to your brother and his wife takes the piss with childcare?

I think you're mad to agree!

alpineway · 09/09/2017 11:23

Who wants to hang around for ten minutes after everyone's gone. Ten minutes doesn't sound long but it is if you're just waiting. All anyone wants to do is pick up their child and get home. A definite no, it'd just cause huge resentment.

Aderyn17 · 09/09/2017 11:24

So your work isn't as important as sil's, so you can rearrange days in order to do pick up but hers is obviously so much more important that you should do her child care too? That would piss me off too tbh.

I would probably say that you will collect both kids on 2 days, she can collect both on 2 days and you each collect your own on the remaining day. I would arrange playdates for that day, although I don't think it would harm either child to know that they have other friends over to play sometimes, so I wouldn't get too bogged down in that aspect.

pepperlookslikebumcheeks · 09/09/2017 11:56

Tricky situation. I would be annoyed because I wouldn't mind doing it every now and then but not every day for the whole year. Plus what about when it's pissing it down, you have a newborn and just want to get home asap? Or if you have other things to do and need to rush?

DO3271 · 09/09/2017 12:07

I think its a big ask, and seeing as yoir nephews mum doesn't seem to have a genuine reason to not pick her son up I would be pissed off. Why should you when she can? Surely she could manage her day to collect her son.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/09/2017 12:14

Stand up for yourselves. If you want to say no, say no. Your sil has no qualms about saying no to picking up her ds let alone yours. Then has the audacity to make you out to be the massively unreasonable one. You've made a life decision as a family as per your post at 8.33 and their family is not your responsibility.

dustarr73 · 09/09/2017 12:15

I wouldnt do it,they have to realise its their child.You are not the back up option just because they cant [or wont]get their arse in gear.

And 10 minutes at the end of the day is long,especially when you just want to grab the kids and go.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 09/09/2017 12:24

Sorry op I agree with pp. if you agree to one week it'll just seep into the week after...and the week after. It's a known tactic to get what you want by stealth!

I think I recognise you from previous threads. Apologies if I've got it wrong. I know you love you brother but you have a life! And you're about to get much much busier. take care Flowers

RiseToday · 09/09/2017 12:43

10 mins isn't a big deal - IF it ran like clockwork, he was never late never changed the goalposts asking for additional favours etc which I can see happening.

Having said that, you're just about to have another baby, you may need them far more than you currently do, so you don't want to end up regretting your decision. If you say no to this then they will probably tell you to get stuffed if you ever need help - just something to consider!

If you say yes, I would tell him in no uncertain terms that if 10 mins means 10 mins and if it starts to turn into 15, 20, 25 then you are not willing to do it any longer.

Also you state in your OP that he hasn't yet called you to ask, but you know he is going to ask you to wait at the school for him. Brace yourself OP, he may well ask you to just bring them both home together every day!

thatdearoctopus · 09/09/2017 12:52

With regard to all those who are saying the SIL needs to step up to the plate (and I agree), I can't help wondering if the response would be the same if it was the brother who was WFH. Or would it be, "Oh well, he's WORKING."

thatdearoctopus · 09/09/2017 12:56

And I second the idea that it's a bad idea to say you'll do it for a week. I'll bet my mortgage that that means you'll be doing it for good. It's not even "leaving him in the lurch," as he's had all summer to get this sorted, as indeed you have.

HorridHenryrule · 09/09/2017 13:00

Of course not if he was WFH then it would be the same response. She doesn't want to inconvenience herself or her set up. Which isn't fair and we all have to make sacrifices when we have children.

mummmy2017 · 09/09/2017 13:09

I did a swap with my friend, I took in the mornings and she collected and dropped mine home.
Don't underestimate just how helpful it is to have the extra time in the morning when all you have to do is have your child ready to walk out of the house into a car and off to school, while you can get dressed and sorted each morning instead of rushing...
In return just walk your DN home with you each day..

Jux · 09/09/2017 13:16

I think if he was wfh then people would still expect him to take 1/2 hr out for his own child. Did your sil and db have some agreement that having children would not impact on her work or something, and that was the only reason she agreee to have children at all? Even if that were the case, it's ot fair that it impacts on you like this. Is she the higher earner, is he the primary carer?

If they split up, she'd have to take a bit more responsibility for her son, anyway.

DontDrinkDontSmoke · 09/09/2017 13:23

I would do it but then my SIL and bro wouldn't take the piss and would definitely do the same for us.

Everyone is different though. If it doesn't work for you, say no.

HorridHenryrule · 09/09/2017 13:26

To even it out why not ask DB to take your ds to school in the morning and then you do after school pick up. You will be grateful for that when baby comes trust me.

Marinade · 09/09/2017 13:44

It sounds like your SIL has conveniently opted out of these decisions and from having any involvement in the routine of pick ups, which is clearly very useful to her. The fact that she shows such little regard for the inconvenience it will cause you is so rude and entitled and it would enrage me. All your reasons are very valid. for not wanting to do this. If she works from home she could nip out and have him for 20 minutes whilst your brother returns home to take over. Hanging round the playground in the cold is an absolute pain. I really think you should just be assertive and say that it is not feasible for you. They will be resentful but they will get over it. If you agree this will be your life until year six unless the school change the rules.

C8H10N4O2 · 09/09/2017 13:46

Working from home doesn't automatically mean you have more flexibility. However as parents they need to get a proper arrangement in place with minder or after school club just like any other parents. When a friend offered to do something similar for us a couple of days we actually talked through the pluses/minuses and I insisted on paying her something so that for the inconvenient times she felt she was getting something back. This worked for us - might not work for you with a new baby.

There is a big difference between being a backup or "one day a week" and being the permanent person five days a week come rain, shine or inconvenience. I've remember offering to help out on the morning school run for my WFH days and was very glad when it came to an end. I don't regret offering to help someone but it did become increasingly difficult as time went on.

If they struggle a bit financially maybe offer a regular day or two a week but not the full week so its less of a tie?

Roundandroundtheapartment · 09/09/2017 13:48

Not read all the replies (just read your comments) but what about offering to do it until baby is born (which I presume from your posts isn't too long away) and making the excuse that you don't want to be hanging about in the cold/rain with a newborn waiting for him to arrive.
I'd also put to him that he will need to make arrangements because if your DS is ill then you won't be available for pick up anyway

Willow2017 · 09/09/2017 13:51

Isn't it practically 3.40 by the time you've put the coats on, packed the bags, chatted to people and exited?

Our kids come out of school all ready, they dont need coats putting on etc parents just collect as they come out the door and leave.

I cant imagine standing in the rain/freezing cold in winter for 10 minutes will be much fun for op and her kids.

Why cant the mum collect them if she is wfh?

Colinfarrellsarse · 09/09/2017 13:51

I would absolutely do this for my brother, its 10 minutes!

CauliflowerSqueeze · 09/09/2017 13:57

"Sorry that won't work for me. You could get a childminder for an hour each day and then not be in a massive hurry?

SoPassRemarkable · 09/09/2017 14:07

Just say you can't hang round for ten minutes in the winter when it's cold and raining with a newborn.

AprilLady4 · 09/09/2017 14:07

What Marinade said

Maryann1975 · 09/09/2017 14:18

I'm a childminder, people should pay for this kind of thing if they can't arrange to finish work early.
I'm getting really fed up of dealing with the chancers who ask 'can you pick up Fred while I'm shopping and take him back to yours till I get there?' 'Can you have little jess every Monday while I take her brother to swimming?' They think because I'm at school already an extra one won't make any difference - but why should those who pay me have to share me with those who don't want to pay for proper care? I'm getting really annoyed with this at the moment.
If it doesn't work for you, say no. Family is important but it has to work both ways. Why should you put yourself out every day because they don't want to put themselves out for their own son?

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