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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother and SIL am I being U to say no

269 replies

RedSunflowers · 08/09/2017 16:34

I've had to NC because this could definitely out me....
Ok so really not sure if I'm U, I don't think I am but I want to make sure before this potentially turns into a huge family argument.
My DS and my nephew are in the same class in year 1, we had an email at the end of term (July) to inform us that KS1 would be coming out from now on at 3:30 instead of 3:40, me and other parents that I know had to adjust working hours to do this pick up time (I only had to change one day as the two other days I work I finish at lunch)... My DB and DSIL have a habit of leaving everything to the last minute and if I'm being honest she leaves near enough all sorting out of the children to him, he works in an office and she WFH. Today he picked DN up from mine (as I had collected him three times this week as they finished abit earlier to resettle them in and I didn't mind helping out) and he said to me I need to ask you a favour but I'll call you over the weekend as I'm in a rush. Now I KNOW I just KNOW that he is going to ask me to collect DN with DS everyday and wait for him to get there, this will mean everyday waiting around for him for 10minutes. AIBU to say no? I don't mind helping out every now and then even once or twice a week or something but I don't want to be tied down to this arrangement 5 days a week for the whole of KS1, I'm pregnant and will have a newborn aswell by the end of the year and I don't want this pressure everyday. If you think I'm not BU then how do I say it without causing an argument as I don't want to fall out, we help each other out with the kids frequently.

OP posts:
N0tNowBernard · 08/09/2017 22:45

Can you imagine OP if the favour isn't about this afterall! Grin It might be something else. We can hope!

londonista · 08/09/2017 22:46

Magdalen - who has said she is rotten?

Jux · 08/09/2017 22:49

That's all very well, londonista, but there's another adult who has responsibility for the nephew but who is not taking any responsibility in this case.

Surely she could take half an hour out of her terribly important day to pick up her son, give him a drink and keep him amused until his dad gets home? Wouldn't you try to do that if you wah in these circumstances? I would, as would dh. Infinitely preferable to using your emergency cover person, surely? Who would they go to if RedSun were ill or had an appointment, or even went off to work herself?

londonista · 08/09/2017 22:52

Jux, quite so.

Would not change what I personally would do in this situation as they are my nephews and my brother. My SIL wouldn't factor into it for me. They are MY family, and therefore my responsibility.

Original poster
RedSunflowers · 08/09/2017 22:54

N0tNowBernard I know it's about this. I spoke to my fm earlier and she said that he hasn't mentioned anything to her, if he had found his own alternative he would have mentioned it to her because he was telling her he didn't know what he was going to do back in July when we first found out. I can also tell because he doesn't need my help all weekend and then we're back to Monday, it's the only favour he could need for the weekdays.

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 08/09/2017 22:59

He needs to speak to the school and arrange for them to keep DN in for an extra 10 minutes until he gets there.

Nope. That's what after school care is for.

LouHotel · 08/09/2017 23:04

I would swap this favour for them giving your DS tea wants a week to give you a longer break (nap) with your newborn.

LouHotel · 08/09/2017 23:04

*once a week.

stella23 · 08/09/2017 23:24

I don't understand why posters keep saying it can take 10minutes to get out the gates anyway, most of the reasons I don't want to do it have literally nothing to do with that

I mentioned it, my thinking was bro made it there for 3.40, so if they come out at 3.30, it takes a few minutes for the children to all get out, so might only be 5 mins that your waiting around for.
However I can understand why you don't want to do it.

MissBabbs · 09/09/2017 05:32

I would say to him no as DS has playdates regularly but as it's only 10 mins your sure he'll have no probs finding someone to do that Grin

Supermagicsmile · 09/09/2017 06:56

Leave him with the teacher. I'm sure they'll give dad an ear full if it happens a few times and he'll soon get the message.

ThunderR0ad78 · 09/09/2017 07:37

I would pre-empt being asked like you have and drop him a text letting him know this wont work for you - this will take away some of the awkwardness about saying no or discussing things when you see him in person over the weekend!

I don't think it's necessarily a big ask of your brother, but I get how restrictive and annoying it would be to have the burden every single day! Maybe a text will prevent him asking! Good luck!!!

caroline161 · 09/09/2017 07:56

I'd do it, it's not really a big deal and helps them out enormously. I'd also probably give him a kidney as well so it's not much in comparison to others. In life you reap what you sow, your kindness will come back to you.

GreenTulips · 09/09/2017 08:09

You do 'reap what you sow'
However this littl boys own mother is able to step up and do the job as she works from home. There is no reason for anyone other than the child's parents to collect him.

I would resent doing something that that can do themselves.

puglife15 · 09/09/2017 08:12

I do t agree you reap what you sow if you're surrounded by people willing to take advantage of you.

Original poster
RedSunflowers · 09/09/2017 08:24

If the arrangement effected me and only me then I would probably feel differently but as it effects my son, my nephew and the fact that I think it is unfair if say my MIL picks up DS and is taking him out somewhere etc or if my DM is as she likes having one on one with the boys but would also feel unfair sending DN home and vice versa. I wouldn't mind being their Plan B, I have no issue with that at all, they are probably my Plan B aswell BUT I don't want to be Plan A, every single day, 5 days a week.

OP posts:
rigsyssquashed · 09/09/2017 08:26

I would help my brother out - yes - BUT the fact that the mother refused to collect her own son would make me feel resentful. What's the point of working at home if you can't be more flexible... Especially in winter and with a new baby!

Can he go to after school club? It would save your brother rushing!

I would probably pre-empt the call by telling them that you will happily help out in an emergency - when SIL can't make it.

Original poster
RedSunflowers · 09/09/2017 08:33

It does also really grate on me that SIL isn't expected to inconvenience herself or her work EVER yet they just "know" I would have rearranged mine on my longer day and that I obviously have nothing else going on that it will be fine for me to wait everyday and they are so certain they will wait until the day before to ask.
I feel like saying sometimes that I could also go out and get a five day a week full time job and make much better money than I do now, I had a great career before I fell pregnant with DD but me and DH decided that it was best for all of us this way and I'm happy with my decision but it's like neither of them have made this decision and instead put everyone else in these awkward positions.

OP posts:
Juanbablo · 09/09/2017 08:35

I think I would agree to do it twice a week until half term or until the baby is born for example. That way you're not saying absolutely not but it is a limited time and they will have to get their act together.

eddielizzard · 09/09/2017 08:37

please ask him, for us Grin, why sil can't pick him up??

GreenTulips · 09/09/2017 08:38

It's a good point about MIL, she may decide to take your DS after school and DN would feel left out wouldn't he?
You would also be expected to host the play dates and include him in everyone. Which isn't healthy really.

Then they'll pay for any afterschool clubs you might arrange and before you know it you have 3 kids and no time one 2 one with DS

I'd say no

Original poster
RedSunflowers · 09/09/2017 08:40

god there's so many things I would love to say but I don't want to have a huge argument with him. I just don't understand why she's never expected to take any responsibility

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 09/09/2017 08:44

If your last post is how you feel then you just need to say no. They have other options so suggest they use them.

Mummaofboys · 09/09/2017 08:44

Tell him you will do it until the baby arrives, perhaps he could do the pick up for a few weeks after your new little one is born. He's your nephew I'd do it for him if it was me.

Ylvamoon · 09/09/2017 08:49

I agree... you could do it till half term BUT once baby is born and the weather gets colder/ wetter waiting for 10 min can be a pain.
PS: suggest to him to speak to the school, I had similar problem (2 kids at 2schools needing pick up at same time), school was happy to hold on to the children. And once other parents noted my predicament, I had lots of help!