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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother and SIL am I being U to say no

269 replies

RedSunflowers · 08/09/2017 16:34

I've had to NC because this could definitely out me....
Ok so really not sure if I'm U, I don't think I am but I want to make sure before this potentially turns into a huge family argument.
My DS and my nephew are in the same class in year 1, we had an email at the end of term (July) to inform us that KS1 would be coming out from now on at 3:30 instead of 3:40, me and other parents that I know had to adjust working hours to do this pick up time (I only had to change one day as the two other days I work I finish at lunch)... My DB and DSIL have a habit of leaving everything to the last minute and if I'm being honest she leaves near enough all sorting out of the children to him, he works in an office and she WFH. Today he picked DN up from mine (as I had collected him three times this week as they finished abit earlier to resettle them in and I didn't mind helping out) and he said to me I need to ask you a favour but I'll call you over the weekend as I'm in a rush. Now I KNOW I just KNOW that he is going to ask me to collect DN with DS everyday and wait for him to get there, this will mean everyday waiting around for him for 10minutes. AIBU to say no? I don't mind helping out every now and then even once or twice a week or something but I don't want to be tied down to this arrangement 5 days a week for the whole of KS1, I'm pregnant and will have a newborn aswell by the end of the year and I don't want this pressure everyday. If you think I'm not BU then how do I say it without causing an argument as I don't want to fall out, we help each other out with the kids frequently.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 09/09/2017 14:21

What if your child is off sick? I'd bet they'd still expect you to bundle up your sick child and go and pick theirs up.

Roomster101 · 09/09/2017 14:48

You could just say that you are happy to help out but you don't want to commit to doing it every single day as it won't necessarily be convenient. Therefore they will have to ask you each time if you can wait. If they have to do this knowing that there is no guarantee that you will always agree, I bet they'll make other arrangements pretty quickly.

schoolgaterebel · 09/09/2017 15:11

I would absolutely do this for my brother, its 10 minutes!

^ no it's not. It's 10 min every day for a whole year (that's 32.5 hours a year)

And if this continues until the end if primary school, it adds up to 195 hours.

Original poster
RedSunflowers · 09/09/2017 16:00

Yes maybe saying something along the lines of yep happy to help out when you need me to but I can't be the everyday plan because I can't commit to that every single day. My DM agrees that he is probably going to ask me as he hasn't mentioned an alternative plan to her after the initial conversation they had but 100% thinks I'm right to say no and that if he is angry or upset it's just being directed at the wrong person

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 09/09/2017 16:02

I'd say happy to help as a back up plan or plan b otherwise he can say he needs you everyday.

Textpectation · 09/09/2017 16:58

Yanbu.

You've been very kind this week and they would be taking the piss. I'm surprised they are not regularly reciprocating a day already (for Thur).

For all of the reasons you've explained, yanbu to say no.

RockinSushi · 09/09/2017 17:22

Just say no, Zammo.

Craigie · 09/09/2017 17:29

If he was my brother I'd be happy to pick his kid up every day and take them to my house, but under no circumstances would I be hanging around in a playground in the cold/wet/dark just to suit him.

Bumpinthenight · 09/09/2017 17:34

If you are going to do it I think you need to realise that you are going to be picking up DN for the rest of time. If they haven't sorted childcare in the six weeks that they have already had why are they going to sort it now?

They didn't even have the decency to ask you in the hols, they waited until you felt you couldn't (you can!) say "no".

Harriedharriet · 09/09/2017 18:11

Posters saying "I would do it for my brother" are forgetting that he is not your brother, it is HERS and HE, in avoiding a much needed conversation with his DW about their child is piggy backing on his sisters decisions re work, is using her goodwill, her time and her loving nature to facilitate his life and his wife's.

In so doing he wants to remove most of the flexibility that the op has created in her life at her and her DHs cost.

OP - seems to me that you value your relationship with your brother. If so, do not do this. It will only end badly and will fracture your future relationship with him. You do not need elaborate excuses or justifications. A simple "you know that is not fair" should suffice!

Harriedharriet · 09/09/2017 18:14

Excuse my grammer! My iPad type writer is doing the weird seizing up and reload things...

Dianag111 · 09/09/2017 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gemini69 · 09/09/2017 18:19

Why can't you and the wfh wifey/dh split the week between you so you both get a break? If you've got to collect your ds anyway then compromise?

why should the OP compromise on a situation that is nothing to do with her.... it's her DB and his Wife's issue.... how ridiculous Hmm

jayne1976 · 09/09/2017 18:22

Presume they can't live too far away to be in catchment so why can't his wife take ten mins out of her day to do it?

Dianag111 · 09/09/2017 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wrapmeupincottonwool · 09/09/2017 18:25

YABU, by the time everyone has a chat, walks slowly etc the 10 mins will soon be up. TBH I think it's U to even question it.

Wrapmeupincottonwool · 09/09/2017 18:26

Unless he asks for favours all the time and never returns them!

Dianag111 · 09/09/2017 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gindingaling · 09/09/2017 18:27

Op, your mum sounds really supportive and well aware of your SIL. I suspect this will be a lot easier to say no to than you thought.

Dianag111 · 09/09/2017 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenTulips · 09/09/2017 18:34

Wrapmeupincottonwool

Can you pick mine up every day please? I finish at the same time and then drive to collect them - they're usually waiting by the exit

Then I can stay later for meetings, oh they might have a friend or two with them as well for play dates and I'm sure you could walk them to the shop for a year or two

Thanks

thatdearoctopus · 09/09/2017 19:22

After all this, it might well turn out that the favour is to borrow your lawn mower or something! Grin

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 09/09/2017 19:52

Lawn mower Grin Let's hope so!

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 09/09/2017 20:14

Just tell him that his wife needs to interrupt her work to pick her child up and it isn't fair for you to have to stand around for at least 10 minutes at day, every day.

Cakeandcustard123 · 09/09/2017 21:11

I think it was posted earlier but it's 50 minutes a week with 39 weeks in a school year so over 32 hours. 32 hours standing around waiting. Have I got that right?