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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother and SIL am I being U to say no

269 replies

RedSunflowers · 08/09/2017 16:34

I've had to NC because this could definitely out me....
Ok so really not sure if I'm U, I don't think I am but I want to make sure before this potentially turns into a huge family argument.
My DS and my nephew are in the same class in year 1, we had an email at the end of term (July) to inform us that KS1 would be coming out from now on at 3:30 instead of 3:40, me and other parents that I know had to adjust working hours to do this pick up time (I only had to change one day as the two other days I work I finish at lunch)... My DB and DSIL have a habit of leaving everything to the last minute and if I'm being honest she leaves near enough all sorting out of the children to him, he works in an office and she WFH. Today he picked DN up from mine (as I had collected him three times this week as they finished abit earlier to resettle them in and I didn't mind helping out) and he said to me I need to ask you a favour but I'll call you over the weekend as I'm in a rush. Now I KNOW I just KNOW that he is going to ask me to collect DN with DS everyday and wait for him to get there, this will mean everyday waiting around for him for 10minutes. AIBU to say no? I don't mind helping out every now and then even once or twice a week or something but I don't want to be tied down to this arrangement 5 days a week for the whole of KS1, I'm pregnant and will have a newborn aswell by the end of the year and I don't want this pressure everyday. If you think I'm not BU then how do I say it without causing an argument as I don't want to fall out, we help each other out with the kids frequently.

OP posts:
Roomster101 · 08/09/2017 20:10

Why can't you just take him to your house and your brother can pick him up from there? You say that it will create more problems than it solves but I don't get why as surely once you get home he will be there almost straight away so you won't be inconvenienced at all..

SeaCabbage · 08/09/2017 20:17

Can you explain a little more why SIL can't do it?

quercuscircus · 08/09/2017 20:19

YANBU to say no.

Its one thing with an occasional arrangement or if someone really has no other choice, but this does ask a lot of you every day and it does seem as if your SIL hasn't really even tried to make an effort to do her parental duty.

Also, what would happen if your DS was off school or was going to a friends straight from school? If they can manage those occasions, then surely they can manage it every day.

What if the nephew was going to a friends? They'd have to remember to tell you.

That's a lot of communication that will need to be kept up on and realistically this could be more of a drain than the 10 minutes hanging around.

And especially with a newborn you will need the flexibility.

You should not feel bad in anyway saying no.

Original poster
RedSunflowers · 08/09/2017 20:21

If I were to take DN back to my house everyday then I would still be faced with the issues that bother me.
If DS has a friend round it seems cruel to my DN that I'm sending him home and he will feel left out, this situation isn't his fault.
If anyone else picks DS up then I have to ask them to grab DN aswell or ask them to wait there for him.
If anyone asks DS for a last minute play date in the morning or night before then I will feel bad about letting them down last minute knowing they won't have another option and I don't wouldn't let DS miss out on other friends because of this, that isn't fair.

OP posts:
plantsitter · 08/09/2017 20:23

Well, wait and see what the favour is. Then if it is that you're prepared to say no. He might just be going to ask for babysitting one night... or he might be asking you to have DN for tea every day after school Grin

Original poster
RedSunflowers · 08/09/2017 20:26

I have no idea, she never seems to move anything when it comes to her work. It's paramount. It doesn't ever seem like it's even an option to ask her, it's not my business though and I don't get involved. He's asks me favours and if I can I will and if not I wont

OP posts:
frogsoup · 08/09/2017 20:29

I'm just impressed anyone can be out of the school gates within ten minutes!! Especially with a newborn - most days we used to be the very last ones out of the gate, with me thinking 'but how do they all DO it?!'

LanaDReye · 08/09/2017 20:35

Please OP tell us the majority behind you that you are going today no!

SonicBoomBoom · 08/09/2017 20:43

If you say your DB has to rush about like a lunatic to get there by 340, I worry that when he knows you've got DN, he'll be less worried about being on time. Suddenly, the time will start slipping to 345, 350, 4pm because he just had one thing to finish...

Just explain that you're happy to do it once a week or in emergencies (whatever you're happy with) but don't want the pressure of every day, as you have a lot on your plate at the moment too. That's perfectly fair.

tictoc76 · 08/09/2017 20:49

I'd do it but make sure he knows if you have anything on then the arrangement won't hold. As some others have said pickup can easily take 10 mins anyway.

NannyRed · 08/09/2017 20:49

For the sake of 10 minutes I'd pick up my nephew, you might appreciate your DB and SIL owing you some favours once your new baby arrives.

Tazerface · 08/09/2017 20:51

Everything you have said here is completely valid as a reason to say no. Hell, just not wanting to do it is reason enough.

Make a list of all these things so you can say it to brother when he calls. Or just day you can't unless it's completely reciprocal and he takes DS in every morning.

Original poster
RedSunflowers · 08/09/2017 20:55

I don't understand why posters keep saying it can take 10minutes to get out the gates anyway, most of the reasons I don't want to do it have literally nothing to do with that

OP posts:
sonjadog · 08/09/2017 20:58

I think you have very good reasons for saying no. So just say no if that is what he asks. It sounds like an issue they need to address within their relationship. They can ignore it currently but they are going to have a serious conversation on how they manage childcare without you being there to bail them out every day.

N0tNowBernard · 08/09/2017 21:14

OP for almost this exact reason we are holding back from a house move to our dream location. SIL moved there a few months ago and I just KNOW she will ask us to do pick ups/drop offs every day and it puts us off.

BeachyKeen · 08/09/2017 21:46

I'd say 'I'm sorry but no. You will have to sort something else out, I'm not taking on any more commitments right now. I wish you had asked me early, when you were first aware, and I could have let you know that right away'

BeachyKeen · 08/09/2017 21:48

To be clear, Blush that is if I were in you position.
If it was my sister, or sil, I'd say sure, because they have helped me out in many ways. It sounds like your brother and his wife are taking you for granted

londonista · 08/09/2017 21:53

I'm with Lanaa- i can't help but feel a bit sad about this. I personally wouldn't say no to my brother because we are family and I love and care for him, we help each other for no reason other than that.

I understand people have different relationships with their siblings than I do. It's a shame, is all.

I agree that if you don't want to do, don't allow yourself to be talked into it, or guilted into it, as will just build resentment.

DoJo · 08/09/2017 22:24

I personally wouldn't say no to my brother because we are family and I love and care for him, we help each other for no reason other than that.

But the OP loves and cares for her son and nephew as well and doesn't want to limit her son's options or upset her nephew by doing this favour. I could understand this kind of response if the OP was saying 'I don't want to do it because I'd rather get home 10 minutes earlier to drink vodka and polish my nails' but she's got several legitimate reasons why this could make life more difficult for her, her son and her nephew.

Trb17 · 08/09/2017 22:30

I'd say No. one thing for an odd favour but something else to be tied to it for years!

Plus it'll be great waiting ten minutes when it's throwing it down. Just say, "no sorry I can help out the odd time but can't commit to it permanently as I don't want to be tied down in case we want to make plans straight from school. Clubs, activities etc".

Be strong.

Original poster
RedSunflowers · 08/09/2017 22:33

DoJo thank you.
I am extremely close to my brother and we help each other out all the time but this "favour" in many ways complicates things for my son and my DN who I love and care for very much, we have a very close bond. It will limit things for my DS, him and DN are best friends, extremely close and in many ways are more like brothers but he also needs to be able to have other friendships, how am I supposed to have DS have a friend back, DN knowing exactly what's going on, having it shoved in his little face and then being sent home and if it was he other way round and DN was having a friend back and they were waiting with me DS would also be upset. They are still both only 5 and only just.

OP posts:
londonista · 08/09/2017 22:36

DoJo - I get that OP believes she has valid reasons to say no - they seem all quite reasonable, and she sounds like a nice person. I personally would do it still even if it was in no way convenient to me. Just cos it would help him and it helps that I do love my nephews to bits as well.

Sometimes he takes the piss. Sometimes I do. We're family, so we don't keep score, just what happens.

londonista · 08/09/2017 22:40

RedSun I genuinely don't mean to imply you don't love your bro!

You've posted on MN and you're going to get a range of opinions, of which mine is just one, and means nothing in grand scheme of things!

MagdalenLaundry · 08/09/2017 22:40

All the posters saying she is rotten for not helping family out
It's all good when it's give and take and favours are reciprocated. This is different. OP is the one always doing favours. And it's the every day that will grate here

Urubu · 08/09/2017 22:43

Please OP just send them a text like a PP said "hi DB, I hope you are not going to ask this because obviously that would be such an inconvenience for me compared to how little it would imact you to do your own pickup"