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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother and SIL am I being U to say no

269 replies

RedSunflowers · 08/09/2017 16:34

I've had to NC because this could definitely out me....
Ok so really not sure if I'm U, I don't think I am but I want to make sure before this potentially turns into a huge family argument.
My DS and my nephew are in the same class in year 1, we had an email at the end of term (July) to inform us that KS1 would be coming out from now on at 3:30 instead of 3:40, me and other parents that I know had to adjust working hours to do this pick up time (I only had to change one day as the two other days I work I finish at lunch)... My DB and DSIL have a habit of leaving everything to the last minute and if I'm being honest she leaves near enough all sorting out of the children to him, he works in an office and she WFH. Today he picked DN up from mine (as I had collected him three times this week as they finished abit earlier to resettle them in and I didn't mind helping out) and he said to me I need to ask you a favour but I'll call you over the weekend as I'm in a rush. Now I KNOW I just KNOW that he is going to ask me to collect DN with DS everyday and wait for him to get there, this will mean everyday waiting around for him for 10minutes. AIBU to say no? I don't mind helping out every now and then even once or twice a week or something but I don't want to be tied down to this arrangement 5 days a week for the whole of KS1, I'm pregnant and will have a newborn aswell by the end of the year and I don't want this pressure everyday. If you think I'm not BU then how do I say it without causing an argument as I don't want to fall out, we help each other out with the kids frequently.

OP posts:
NoProblemForMe · 08/09/2017 16:53

What is he planning to do if your child is off sick? Will he still expect you to trundle up to the school on his behalf?

He needs to speak to the school and arrange for them to keep DN in for an extra 10 minutes until he gets there.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/09/2017 16:54

YANBU. Their child, they need to sort it out.

He could finish work 10 mins earlier (it's not that much! Cut 10 mins off lunch hour or get into work 10 mins earlier?)

Either that or your SIL needs to step up. This is not your problem and I think you've been more than considerate already.

Good luck!

MoosicalDaisy · 08/09/2017 16:54

Yep do a swap, suggest he can pick your son up for the morning run, you'll do the afts, it'll be such a help when new little one is here

Holidayhooray · 08/09/2017 16:55

I would definitely do it.

10 mins for family. I wouldn't hesitate tbh

Original poster
RedSunflowers · 08/09/2017 16:56

It's more the forever commitment of it that I don't like. I've just for an entire school year picked him up every single Thursday and had him for dinner because they couldn't, honestly I don't and didn't mind, i love him and the boys are best friends but I don't want the pressure of every single day doing this. It's complicates other things aswell like if DS has a friend round after school DN will be there waiting with us at the car and then he'll feel left out that he's going home and also if it was there other way round DS would feel left out. Also if I ask someone to pick DS up for me especially when I have the baby I'll feel obligated to ask them to wait around for DN. I can't and won't be able to do last minute play dates that are arranged in the morning as they wouldn't have been able to arrange for someone to collect DN on time.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 08/09/2017 16:57

He needs to sort himself out, go in ten minutes earlier or knock ten minutes off his lunch break, and pick his kid up. Every day for the whole year is a childminder's job.

Purplemac · 08/09/2017 16:57

Honestly if my brother asked me and it really was only ten minutes I would do it. Do you walk or drive?

If you walk you could head off in your brothers direction and he could pick you up en route and take you all home? If you drive you could drop him off at your brothers work?

I wouldn't do it for a friend or distant relative but I would for a sibling.

MadMags · 08/09/2017 16:58

Exactly, OP! There are a plethora of reasons why it's not a good idea!

GoodMorning1 · 08/09/2017 16:58

People are saying 10mins is nothing, but 10mins in the rain and cold with a hungry/wet/soiled newborn could feel like forever. And what about when he gets stuck in traffic?

I'd say no but accept that means they might not be willing to do favours for you.

You say you help each out with the kids but I'm getting the impression that maybe you help them more than they help you?

Butterymuffin · 08/09/2017 16:58

Have they ever done childcare favours for you, OP?

plantsitter · 08/09/2017 17:00

Just say all that then. Definitely NBU.

Original poster
RedSunflowers · 08/09/2017 17:00

I think it also really grates on me that I've moved my work, why can't SIL come and get DN, he would only be getting home at 4 and disrupting her anyway, so she'd have to finish work at 3:15 instead to get him so why can't she just start the day earlier and why am I being inconvenienced and neither of them are.

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 08/09/2017 17:01

Tbh I'd do it, it's family. I would, however, make it very clear that I'm not taking responsibility, iyswim, so if I couldn't do it for any reason they'd have to deal with it.

ginswinger · 08/09/2017 17:02

I think my answer would be something like 'okay I'll do Monday and Friday and you do Tues-Thurs right?'

amicissimma · 08/09/2017 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LurkingHusband · 08/09/2017 17:02

10 minutes for a few days wouldn't faze me in the slightest. Make sure they know it's not a 'forever favour' though.

You must be new around here Grin ...

plantsitter · 08/09/2017 17:03

Oh I missed the WFH part! She can definitely knock off ten mins earlier then! Don't do it if you don't want to. Just say 'sorry, I don't want to commit to all that. It seems like just ten minutes but it has a knock on effect on playdates and all that.'

Kailoer · 08/09/2017 17:03

"I don't want to be tied down to this arrangement 5 days a week for the whole of KS1, I'm pregnant and will have a newborn aswell by the end of the year and I don't want this pressure everyday."

That is a perfectly acceptable NO to his request.

Why do you think that wouldn't be an acceptable way to decline his request of a favour?
It's not your problem if he takes your perfectly reasonable NO in an argumentative way or tries to guilt you into a YES.

Just say no!

Leeds2 · 08/09/2017 17:03

I think, as I am guessing you have a good relationship with DB and SIL, that I would agree to collect DN until such time in your pregnancy beyond which you really don't want to commit. For the sake of 10 mins, I would think that could easily be taken up by the boys playing in the playground whilst the weather is good; once it gets colder, I would probably say I was taking them home, and DB could collect from there.
I wouldn't commit beyond the time frame you have given them, and would also remind them that you can't do it if your DS has a playdate or if he is going to an after school activity. And give them as much notice of either of these things as you can!

Kailoer · 08/09/2017 17:07

I love the posters saying 'its only 10min'.

It's like when you car share

Fine when all is well

but what about when someone's sick, or on holiday, or you have a dentist apt for yours, or its pissing it down, or they take extra time to pick up cos they know you're (the idiot) covering it

THAT is the reality of 'oh it's just 10mins'. The never ending commitment and inflexibility which turns into a broken friendship or sibling relationship & which could have been avoided with a simple NO

autumnkate · 08/09/2017 17:08

For family I would do that with no question.

Kailoer · 08/09/2017 17:09

Leeds2 do you not think that taking them home with OP just adds another layer of logistic problems for OP.

Why oh why do people sign up to solve problems which aren't theirs?!

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 08/09/2017 17:09

I hadn't even thought about the possible issues with play dates or illness. Op you don't want to commit to this and for valid reasons IMO. I think it would be very presumptuous to expect anyone to do this for a year.

If you cave you're going to end up feeling resentful so you need to be straight if/when he asks. Remember they actually do have other options so you're not leaving them high and dry.

noenergy · 08/09/2017 17:10

In the past I would have done it but now I know that the favour is never returned for me I wouldn't commit.

Say u will do 2 days n make up excuse that u have to b elsewhere or have shopping to do. Will also b annoying when u have other play dates organised.

Why can't either of them finish 10mins earlier, esp ur SIL

OlennasWimple · 08/09/2017 17:10

I'd do it, if I was certain that it would be only 10 mins.

If it started to drift into 15-20 mins I would be annoyed. And I would say that when the weather is bad you will need to agree alternatives to standing in the playground for 10 mins every day