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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother and SIL am I being U to say no

269 replies

RedSunflowers · 08/09/2017 16:34

I've had to NC because this could definitely out me....
Ok so really not sure if I'm U, I don't think I am but I want to make sure before this potentially turns into a huge family argument.
My DS and my nephew are in the same class in year 1, we had an email at the end of term (July) to inform us that KS1 would be coming out from now on at 3:30 instead of 3:40, me and other parents that I know had to adjust working hours to do this pick up time (I only had to change one day as the two other days I work I finish at lunch)... My DB and DSIL have a habit of leaving everything to the last minute and if I'm being honest she leaves near enough all sorting out of the children to him, he works in an office and she WFH. Today he picked DN up from mine (as I had collected him three times this week as they finished abit earlier to resettle them in and I didn't mind helping out) and he said to me I need to ask you a favour but I'll call you over the weekend as I'm in a rush. Now I KNOW I just KNOW that he is going to ask me to collect DN with DS everyday and wait for him to get there, this will mean everyday waiting around for him for 10minutes. AIBU to say no? I don't mind helping out every now and then even once or twice a week or something but I don't want to be tied down to this arrangement 5 days a week for the whole of KS1, I'm pregnant and will have a newborn aswell by the end of the year and I don't want this pressure everyday. If you think I'm not BU then how do I say it without causing an argument as I don't want to fall out, we help each other out with the kids frequently.

OP posts:
UrsulaPandress · 09/09/2017 08:57

The whole point of working from home is the flexibility it gives you, imo. Tell sil she needs to step up to the plate.

FinallyHere · 09/09/2017 09:01

You really don't need to be asking us, ypu just need to be telling BIL that it won't work for you. And not explaining all you reasons, as that will just give him ammunition to explain to you why you can, and must help out. This is the thanks you are getting for having been helpful so far. Enjoy Grin and please don't get trapped into doing even more

FinallyHere · 09/09/2017 09:02

Actually, I think Greenfizzywater's response is genius, I think I am a bit in love ...

Gindingaling · 09/09/2017 09:03

OP we have a familiy set up like yours. We help each other out just because we're familiy. Last year we had a situation like this but with a neighbour of one of my children and I have to admit I eventually found it hard going to the extent I won't do it this year. Yet as a granny who regularly does school runs it shouldn't have been any bother. It was the staggered timings that got to me in the end. I'll be back on the road this week doing two school runs a day but I'm not dreading it the way I ended up last year.

Gindingaling · 09/09/2017 09:06

Oh and it's not wanting to upset the Apple cart that means SIL's gotten away with her ambivalent parenting for so long. And because it's gone on so long it will get worse with the passing of time. I think that now is perhaps the time to have a chat with your brother, perhaps with your mum there, to broach the subject.

ElsieMc · 09/09/2017 09:08

Absolutely no. Our primary school finished at 3.30 and it was always five or ten minutes later so you will have at least fifteen minutes. I just do not get why their childcare issues also become yours. Your sil sounds very entitled. Their lack of organisation is not your problem either. The reason they have not got organised is because you are the nominated childminder. They just haven't told you yet.

You are due to have another baby and you do not know whether it will be an easy or difficult baby either so you cannot commit to this.

HorridHenryrule · 09/09/2017 09:10

I would help my brother out - yes - BUT the fact that the mother refused to collect her own son would make me feel resentful. What's the point of working at home if you can't be more flexible... Especially in winter and with a new baby!

Your brother and SIL sound selfish. Have they mentioned how they will help you if baby decides to come on a school day. I have an idea find people (childminders) who can pick him up after school and give him the list. When I had my youngest dd thats what I had to do.

Lindy2 · 09/09/2017 09:13

There will be days when your son goes to tea with a friend or is off sick, or does an after school activity. Would they expect you to go to school anyway to collect DN?
A 10 minute wait on a nice day isn't much. However, on a freezing cold day, or a day when a newborn is screaming, or a day when you need to dash for a doctors appointment etc it is very inconvenient.
If it was me I'd do it for a week so they can make longer term arrangements but I wouldn't do it long term.

MrMessy · 09/09/2017 09:19

I know you don't want to cause bad feeling about your SIL but if they ask you, I think you will have to bring it up. Try looking confused and saying 'but I thought SIL would be getting him'. Just keep saying it and keep looking confused. It really isn't fair to inconvenience you for the sake of her not putting herself out for her own son.

Jengnr · 09/09/2017 09:22

I would agree to do it but with a more fluid arrangement. So I would do it as the default but in the circumstances you describe they will have to sort it out. And obviously mention that once the baby comes you'll most likely need them to step up for you too.

If they can't agree to that in exchange for you doing it most days then they will have a problem won't they?

HorridHenryrule · 09/09/2017 09:28

I think Lindy2 has come up with a brilliant plan tell them you will help out for a week until they find alternative arrangements.

honeylulu · 09/09/2017 09:28

I agree you should send a pre-emptive text.
Your SIL's attitude makes my blood boil. I know people like that.
Just say no.
There's a big difference between an occasional favour and someone must assuming they can lumber you indefinitely!
I work from home once a week and could always find a few minutes to dash to school, collect my son (he's now old enough to walk home by himself) and stick on a DVD.
If I understand, your brother would get home shortly after pick up anyway.
I appreciate working from home means you can't just do as you please but employees are entitled to reasonable breaks.

IggyAce · 09/09/2017 10:02

Can your SIL not use her lunch break to collect dn from school? and by the time they are back home your dB will be too and sil can get back to work.

Appuskidu · 09/09/2017 10:14

Are they piss takers in general or only over this?

MakeItRain · 09/09/2017 10:21

If I were you, I would arrange for a friend to pick up your child this week, as you're feeling "exhausted with your pregnancy". When he asks you you have a foolproof excuse "oh I'm so sorry, I can't commit to that, I've already asked X to help me out this week as I've been feeling run down, I won't be in a position to offer to pick dn up long term." Mention that you don't want the stress of needing to rearrange his pick ups on the days you can't make it, but you don't mind the odd emergency if he gets let down by whoever he gets to do the pick ups.

Motoko · 09/09/2017 10:23

I wouldn't offer to do it for just a week. They've already had 7 weeks to sort something out. If OP offers for a week, I can see them at the end of the week saying they haven't been able to sort anything out yet, but should be able to the next week. When that time comes, there will be another delay, and so on. They won't be trying to sort anything out.

It's all very well saying "I'd do it because it's family", but OP's DB and SIL have form for taking advantage, and the SIL works from home! She can take a half hour break to pick her son up.

OP, as PPs have said, decent people would have no problem if you say you're unable to do it, they may be disappointed, but they won't try to badger you into doing it. If they're not decent people, they don't deserve to get your help.
You've been given some possible replies to give to your brother, all are perfectly reasonable. If it causes an argument, that's on them, you are not the one in the wrong, remember that. Pick one, or a combination, but stick to your guns and don't let them walk all over you.

Appuskidu · 09/09/2017 10:26

If I were you, I would arrange for a friend to pick up your child this week, as you're feeling "exhausted with your pregnancy". When he asks you you have a foolproof excuse "oh I'm so sorry, I can't commit to that, I've already asked X to help me out this week as I've been feeling run down, I won't be in a position to offer to pick dn up long term." Mention that you don't want the stress of needing to rearrange his pick ups on the days you can't make it, but you don't mind the odd emergency if he gets let down by whoever he gets to do the pick ups.

I would go with this!

Original poster
RedSunflowers · 09/09/2017 10:30

I may say I'll do it for a week or so so they can sort something alternative out and that I don't mind helping them as a Plan B obviously but that I can't commit to it forever every single day. People saying how much help will they give you etc etc they do genuinely always help me if I ask I just don't need to ask very often, for instance he is my childcare for when we go into labour, he will come and collect DN from us in the middle of the night if need be and will hang onto him until we need. He has DS round for play dates etc but that's obviously at his convenience which I have no issue with and is fair enough. I just feel really inconvenienced by this situation and find it to much.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedSunflowers · 09/09/2017 10:32

No if I say that I will do it for the week and then no more he will be annoyed/upset/disappointed but he will not ignore it

OP posts:
Trampoline11 · 09/09/2017 10:37

Is he likely to not rush from work as he knows you have his son and then 10 mins becomes 20 etc?

MrsWooster · 09/09/2017 10:50

Thin end of the wedge... "it worked fine last week... I'll sort something out next week... by half term... We will help out later..." if you start doing it it will be much harder to stop. They should be the ones offering to pick up for a bit when you have the new born, to help out...

ijustwannadance · 09/09/2017 10:55

If you agree to do this now they will expect it until the kids go to secondary school!

SIL is taking the piss. She could pick up her child and then do her last half hour work when your brother gets home.

Don't be a mug.

Why would parents be going into school to get their children's coats on etc? Reception maybe but not older. Kids are usually lined up ready by the doors waiting for bell to ring. No waiting around.

RestingBitchFaced · 09/09/2017 11:00

Don't agree to do it for a week, they will assume you will carry on doing it unless you tell them you have plans. Tell them now that you can't do it, or it won't stop. SIL can pick her own child up!

Gemini69 · 09/09/2017 11:02

OP do NOT agree to do it for a week... you're nailed to the floor..... Say NO from the outset.... you must do this for your own health... I've spent my life saying Yes to people when I wanted to say No... it's taken years to correct this submissive response and to stop people taking advantage of it...

Did your DB call you yet ? Flowers

llangennith · 09/09/2017 11:11

YANBU. As you say, it's not the 10 minutes, it's the commitment.
Say no from the start. "Sorry I can't help you out there but I'm sure there are childminders who would pick him up for you." No need to offer any excuse or reason but you could add that if course you'd be willing to help out in an emergency.

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